Chapter 47: I'm Not Sharing My New Toy!

March 17, 1984, Chicago, Illinois

"How are you doing, Jonathan?" Nancy Jane Moore asked when she invited me into her office to chat after Violet's session on Saturday.

"I'm doing OK. My friends are helping keep me on an even keel."

"You've undergone quite a few stress-generating changes in the past year — moving, being promoted, marrying, and Keiko's death, not to mention the situation with your girlfriend from High School."

"I see Violet has kept you posted," I said with a friendly smile.

"Given your relationship with her, we talk about you a lot. To allay any concerns you might have, we also talk about Lily and, most recently, Kallie, the girl she met in class."

"I wasn't concerned," I replied. "I would expect Violet to talk to you about me, and I seriously doubt she's said anything inaccurate or anything I'd consider a violation of my confidence."

"On that note, I wanted to ask you what was going on with your friend in Ohio, if you're willing to share. Violet demurred, except to say she might be caught up in it."

I explained the situation with Bev, clearly showing my frustration, and Nancy picked up on it right away, as I would have expected her to.

"You need to find a way to get past the frustration and anger," Nancy said. "I completely understand why you feel the way you do, but the last thing you need is added stress."

"Somebody should tell Bev," I said. "I did my best to stay completely out of it. The truly frustrating part is that all Bev needs to do is reconcile with her parents, and all of these problems will go away. I know it's not easy, but it's also her best path to regaining full custody of her daughter."

"You said she wasn't acting or thinking rationally. You appear to be able to do that even in the most stressful situations; most people cannot do that. But that also raises a concern that you're bottling up all those emotions. You need an outlet, or you risk suffering severe consequences. The situation in which you find yourself is one that often precedes alcohol or drug abuse, extreme risk-taking, or other self-destructive behaviors."

"I'm working out three days a week at the gym, and I'm spending quiet time relaxing, as you suggested."

"Have you sought any additional counseling?"

"No. Well, not professional. My friends Costas, Jack, and Deanna have worked hard to help me avoid doing those things you suggest. Drugs are a non-starter, and I only drink occasionally."

"You say that, but the stress you're under could easily cause you to behave as erratically as you described your friend behaving."

"Keiko's grandfather runs the karate dōjō just down the street, and he suggested martial arts for both the physical and mental discipline, but I simply do not have the time to commit to that."

"Has your spirituality changed at all?"

"If you mean, do I suddenly believe in magic sky beings who are inexplicably interested in my sex life? No."

Nancy laughed, "I wasn't thinking THAT radical!"

"Keiko and I discussed the possibility that somehow we might meet again in the future, but beyond that, not really."

"And how did that make you feel?"

"Despite being skeptical, it's something I would like to think was possible. The problem is that falls right into the wishful thinking trap. I don't doubt the universe is more complicated than I can even imagine, but life after death in any form that we might understand is not something I could believe in any more than I can believe in any gods."

"I think, based on what you've said, that Buddhism might work for you. There is no need to believe in any deity for that system to work. I don't think it would do any harm for you to speak to a Zen Buddhist monk, and it might do some good. I assume you know one, given Keiko had a Buddhist funeral, according to Violet."

"I do. I'll consider speaking to him."

"Good. Can we discuss your relationship with Violet?"

"Isn't that the point?" I asked.

Nancy smiled and nodded, "Yes, of course. I asked because, technically, you aren't my client, and this conversation might delve into very private areas."

"I'm an open book, at least with regard to my relationship with Violet."

"She suggested you've ruled out marrying again."

"It's complicated, but I think the best way to say it is that no young woman should assume I intend to marry or expect me to want to marry in the future."

"That has something to do with your feelings for Keiko, right?"

"It has everything to do with them. She's my wife, and I can't wrap my head around replacing her. It's also the case that I committed to her that when the time comes, I'll be cremated and interred next to her. Violet rightly pointed out that would cause conflict with any woman I might marry in the future, and she's not wrong."

"It's only been about ten weeks, correct?"

"Yes. And if you're going to say that I shouldn't make any decisions now, I'm not, because I'm not foreclosing the idea; I'm simply saying nobody should expect me to do it. It's a nuanced position, but that nuance is important. I think another way to put it is that it's possible I'll marry again, but not probable. Maybe the probability changes in the future, but nobody should count on that."

"I'm going to take a page from your book and be direct — you know what Violet wants, right?"

"No, I don't. Violet doesn't know what Violet wants unless she's told you something she hasn't told me. Does she have a desire to go to bed with me? Absolutely. Do I have the same desire? You betcha! But having that desire is only one component. Neither of us is fifteen, and life is much too complicated to act purely on our libidos."

"For you, that might well be true," Nancy said. "In fact, I believe it is. Violet, on the other hand, is closer to fifteen than twenty-one in terms of emotional development, and her thinking is more like, if you'll pardon the expression, a horny teenager than an adult who has learned to deal with their sexual urges."

"Who says that's the case?" I asked with a grin.

Nancy laughed, "OK, but you implied you were able to control those urges, at least somewhat. I strongly suspect that you and Keiko were not intimate for long periods of time during her chemo and then towards the end. I also, based on our conversations, suspect you were completely faithful."

"Your suspicions are correct across the board."

"One of your struggles after her death has been to understand what is a valid expression of your sexuality, given your obviously deep feelings for her."

"Yes. One thing I've concluded is that I simply can't invite anyone to sleep in the bed Keiko and I shared. I'm going to replace it when I move in April or May."

"I see you're wearing a ring on your right hand. Did you move it?"

"No. Japanese wear them on their right hands. Keiko and I followed the older tradition of exchanging engagement rings, which we both wore on our right hands, again, following Japanese tradition."

"Do you find it surprising that you operate on a mix of emotion and logic?" Nancy asked.

"I certainly never had to deal with the kinds of emotional challenges growing up that I've had since Keiko's diagnosis."

"I'm going to tell you something you already know, but it has to be said — Violet is operating on emotion. And she, like you, is experiencing those emotions for the first time. The Violet you met would never have contemplated a sexual relationship."

"No, she wouldn't have," I agreed.

"Violet is not under psychological or psychiatric care, so I can't advise one way or the other. All I can do is exhort you to be very careful and to understand, as best you can, what it would mean to her."

I nodded, "I made the point of talking to her about my vision of the future for exactly that reason. That gave her pause, and had I not said that, she would likely have pressed forward. I said it because I promised her that I would never intentionally do anything to hurt her and would do my utmost to protect her and keep her safe."

"That is exactly what she needs," Nancy said. "That is what her parents should have done, and instead, they hurt her in ways you and I may never truly fathom."

"If such a place existed, there would be a special place in Hell for her parents, one where the tortures were infinitely worse. Eternal punishment seems fitting for their heinous crime, but life in prison will have to do, at least for her dad. Her mom, on the other hand, got off easy despite aiding and abetting the abuse."

"Your anger and indignation are completely understandable, but don't let them consume you or drive you to do something you might regret."

"I'm a pacifist."

"And yet, the kind of thing that happened to Violet could drive even the most committed pacifist to violence."

I nodded, "I can see that."

"We're out of time, but please speak to someone. You can always call me, but I think the Buddhist monk might be more effective because of the ties to Keiko's family and traditions."

"Thanks, Nancy."

"You're welcome!"

I left her office, joined Violet, and we left the building. We walked silently towards her house, and after about a block, I felt Violet's hand brush mine. When it brushed a second time, I took her hand in mine, and we walked hand-in-hand the rest of the way to her house. We went inside, she made a pot of coffee, and we went to sit in her front room.

"Can I ask what you and Nancy talked about?" Violet inquired once we'd sat down on the couch.

"Me, mostly, and how I'm dealing with Keiko's death. Obviously, we talked about my relationship with you, but it really was mostly her expressing concern for my emotional and mental health. She suggested I see someone, and her conclusion was the Buddhist monk at the temple who conducted Keiko's services would be a good choice."

"She's worried you're bottling up your emotions?"

"Yes, not to mention all the stress I'm under from work, Bev, and most importantly, Keiko."

"Are you going to?"

"I think so," I replied. "How was your talk?"

"Good. We talked about you and me, of course, but also Lily and Kallie."

"Did you tell her what Lily suggested?"

Violet laughed softly, "I did. She laughed, but then said I needed to consider what that would mean and that you and I should discuss our relationship."

"She advised me to be careful, which was unnecessary, given I promised you I would never, ever do anything to hurt you, and I'm sure you expressed that to Nancy."

"I did," Violet confirmed. "I believe you, and she believes you, too."

"Are you ready to have the conversation? If not, just say so."

"I want to tell you what Nancy said about that, but I think I should tell you what I'm thinking first. I'm positive we both know what will happen if we kiss, but I need more time to think because of the curveball you threw me about the future."

"Take all the time you need," I said.

"When I told Nancy what you explained about the future, she wasn't surprised, but she was somewhat concerned about making what appears to be a permanent decision so soon after Keiko died. She believes your thinking will evolve over time, but she also agrees that I can't assume you will ever want to marry again. According to her, I have three basic options — decide to stay close friends and never be together; accept that we may never be a couple and be with you without any expectations of being a couple; or wait and see. Her advice was to wait and see."

"The first and third options are, in effect, the same," I replied. "Because even if you decided you simply want to remain friends, you would have the option of changing your mind in the future, assuming I followed the path I laid out."

"I see your point," Violet said. "I did say one other thing to her, and I know how this will sound, but I am sure of one thing — it's either you or nobody. I'm not saying that to try to pressure you or encourage you to do something you don't think is right."

"Did you tell Nancy that?"

"Yes. I simply don't see how I could ever get close enough to anyone else to do that. And I'm OK with that. Nancy said she understood."

"I'm going to guess that Nancy suggested your thinking would evolve, just as she believes mine will."

"Yes, she does feel my thinking will evolve, as will yours. I don't believe mine will because the idea of dating scares me, and I don't know if I'd ever feel safe. I also don't want to have to tell anyone else about what happened to me."

"I think I understand," I replied.

"She said something else, too — that being with you might change my thinking in ways I can't predict. That was when I told her I had considered just doing it to get past my fears and my nervousness."

"I think that would be risky," I replied.

"I'm sure Nancy does, too. Should we make lunch so you can go meet your friend?"

"That sounds good."

We made lunch, ate, cleaned up, and Violet walked me to the door. We hugged, but this time she tightened her arms, pressing her body firmly against mine. I returned the tight hug, and we held it for what seemed like minutes but was, in reality, about thirty seconds. Violet kissed my cheek, released me, then watched as I walked to my car.

As I drove away, I thought about the conversations we'd had and Nancy's observation that Violet was, at least with regard to relationships, acting like a fifteen-year-old just discovering the realities of a physical relationship and trying to make sense of the urges she was having and the complexity of intimacy, sexual or otherwise.

Our relationship was complex and ever-evolving, and we'd likely be in a very different place if it hadn't been for Keiko. But I couldn't go back in time, and I wouldn't if I could because I was positive I'd done the right thing with Keiko. I wondered, though, what decision I'd have made if Violet had progressed to the same point a year ago.

If I were honest with myself, I'd have chosen Violet and never become involved with Keiko. That would likely also have foreclosed having a baby with Bianca. That world would be so different that it was almost impossible to imagine at this point. While I didn't believe in destiny or fate or anything like that, Keiko and I had come into each other's lives at precisely the right time for me to walk her terrible path with her. Walking that path had helped both of us, despite the ultimately tragic outcome of her untimely death.

As I pulled into a parking garage near the School of the Art Institute dorms, I thought about my obligations, how best to balance them, and how to forge the best future for myself, my soon-to-be-born daughter, and my closest friends. Obviously, at least in my mind, work — or more specifically, my clients — had to come first because that provided the resources to meet all my other obligations.

My personal life was about to be upended by the birth of my daughter, who had to be my primary concern. Nothing could be more important than providing her with a safe, stable environment. That had been driven home by how my mom had cared for me and the unfolding nightmare with Heather. While circumstances meant having a nanny, I had no intention of foisting Sofía on her as a way of shirking my responsibilities.

After Sofía, there were Bianca and Deanna, to whom I had critical — but differing — obligations. Bianca as my partner in raising Sofía, a confidante, and a future partner should I eventually strike out on my own. Deanna as her patron and advisor, and she was, at least for the moment, my closest confidante. I couldn't imagine a future without them in it.

The same was true for Violet, though my relationship with her was complicated by her past and my recent history. We needed to find the correct way forward that ensured we'd be the closest of friends, even if that meant never becoming lovers. There was little doubt in my mind that she would, at some point, ask me to take her to bed; the question would be on what terms.

Beyond those important women, including a soon-to-arrive very young one, there were my male friends, starting with Jack. If things went the way he and Bianca predicted, we'd become partners in a firm we ran. I was still on the fence about that, trying to balance my loyalty to Noel Spurgeon and my visceral distaste for the way the secretaries were treated. Of course, it was possible my hand might be forced if he were ever called to account for his predilection for underage girls.

Finally, there were the boys — Costas, Trevor, Dustin, and Archie, who were all good friends. I saw very little of Stuart and almost nothing of Tom because of their jobs and Tom's imploding marriage. My obligations to them weren't as strong as to Jack and the young women, but I resolved to be the best friend I possibly could.

As I got out of my car, I refocused on the present and recalled Deanna's question about continuing to see Stefi. My answer — that I wouldn't let it distract me from those most important to me — had presaged the internal dialogue I'd just had about my obligations. Whether or not I'd see her a third time would depend on how she might fit into my busy life, if at all.

When I walked into the dorm building, a monitor at the desk called up to Stefi's room, and two minutes later, she appeared in the lobby. She signed me in, and more or less dragged me to the elevator and then from the elevator into her room, where a thin blonde girl was sitting on the bed.