Chapter 42: You Don't Believe That!

March 3, 1984, Chicago, Illinois

"Last Saturday was your last class for your license, right?" Violet asked when we sat down for breakfast on Saturday morning.

"Yes. You're seeing Nancy today, right?"

"Yes. Do you still plan to come back for lunch?"

"I do. I'll need to leave about 2:30pm because I'm meeting a friend for coffee, and I'll stop at Jewel and the dry cleaner on the way home."

"OK. I like spending time with you, but I get to see you six days a week now!"

"How do you think things are going now that you've been at Spurgeon for a month?"

"The work is really interesting, everyone in Research is really nice, and I got to fly on a private jet!"

"I'm glad you're enjoying it."

"Now I've been to Missouri, Iowa, Minnesota, Wisconsin, North Dakota, and Ohio because of you. Before I met you, I was never out of Illinois or even the Chicago area, really."

"Is there someplace you'd like to visit?"

"You'll think it's silly, but, Disney World."

"There's nothing silly about that at all. And now, with your job at Spurgeon, you can basically afford to go anywhere you want on your vacation."

"It's weird that I make more money than starting teachers, and I don't even have my degree. And that doesn't even take into account my bonus."

"Teachers are underpaid compared to the value they provide to society; we discussed why that was."

"How do you feel about increasing taxes?" Violet asked.

"I hate paying taxes as much as the next guy, but I like the services the government provides. Could the government be more efficient? Sure. Are some things they spend money on silly or wasteful? Absolutely. But we need police, fire and rescue, roads, schools, hospitals, and a military to defend the country. A big part of the problem is that schools are funded by property taxes, which are regressive."

"You mean property tax increases hurt people with lower incomes, right?"

"Yes. If my taxes go up $500 a month, I'll hate it, but it won't materially change my standard of living. Raising your taxes $500 a month when you were working at the daycare would have left you with almost no money on which to live, and you didn't have a mortgage."

"You support progressive income taxes?"

"I'd prefer a more efficient system with fewer deductions and exemptions, as most of those benefit people with higher incomes. In the end, somebody has to pay, and those who have more should pay more, no matter what system or formula you use."

"Don't you receive special tax treatment?"

"Carried interest is considered unrealized gains until withdrawn, similar to how other capital gains are handled. If I own a stock, I'm not taxed on any gains until I sell it. Ultimately, the carried interest rules only defer taxes because I'll pay the capital gains rate when I withdraw it."

"I haven't asked at work, but how are things going with the condo?"

"One of Deanna's friends from the School of the Art Institute is working on an interior design. She showed me some initial ideas, and now she has access to the condo to create a formal design. The basic theme is an open, minimalist plan."

"So, the opposite of my house, which has big, heavy furniture with dark wood?"

"You inherited that from your grandfather, right?"

"Yes. The only things I took with me when I left my parents' house were my clothes, a couple of stuffed animals, and a picture of my sister and me when I was nine, which was before. Everything else was sold or otherwise disposed of. You can imagine why I didn't want anything."

"I can. How is your sister?"

"The same. I went to visit on Tuesday evening after work. She's so drugged she doesn't know who I am. They've tried everything they can think of, but nothing has worked. She's likely to be like this for the rest of her life. So far as anyone can tell, my visits don't help her in any way. I'm not going to stop going, but it's extremely frustrating and makes me angry."

"I'd say I understand, but I don't, at least not from the standpoint of being a victim of that kind of abuse."

"Actually, Nancy insists I use 'survivor' because I focus on me, not what was done to me. It's the only way to move forward."

"And I think you just hit on why she's so helpful compared to Doctor Lochner. Doctor Lochner saw you as a victim who could never escape what happened, and Nancy sees you as a survivor who can move forward."

"I think you're right about that, though Doctor Lochner did help at first. She's the one who got me to the point where I no longer needed drugs to control my emotions and limit my panic attacks. After that, you're right."

"That was right before we met, wasn't it?"

"Yes, and she suggested I try to make a friend, and I chose you."

"Which was not what she'd intended."

"Obviously, but I clearly made the right decision. You've helped me more than anyone, even more than Nancy. Thank you."

"You're welcome."

We finished eating, and after I helped Violet clean up the kitchen, I headed to class.

A little over three hours later, I was back at Violet's house to have lunch. We ate, then went to sit in the front room and listen to music.

"How was your session with Nancy?" I asked.

"I was surprised you didn't ask while we were eating!"

"I felt it was better to not be distracted by our meal and having to do the dishes because I thought it might be a deep conversation."

"You mean because of the things we talked about after my last session?"

"Yes. Did you discuss that with Nancy?"

"Yes, of course. We had a really good talk, and she absolutely agrees that taking things slowly, step-by-step, is the right approach. She compared it to being thirteen or fourteen when you first start really thinking about that stuff, and you begin to experiment a bit. I know I mentioned that she and I talked about the fact that I didn't go through the normal adolescent period because of what happened.

"She also pointed out something that I hadn't considered, and that is that most girls at that age are afraid of sex, at least a little, because the concept can be scary, even without any abuse. And that's what experimenting and discovering your limits are about. I never had that experience. And, interestingly, neither did you, if I understand what you said about you and Bev."

"First kiss to losing our virginities together in less than five minutes?"

"That was her first kiss, too, right?"

"I believe so, yes. I never asked, and she never said."

"Wait! That's different from what you said before."

"I know. I told you what I believed without the caveat that it was based on inferences and assumptions, not anything Bev said."

"You don't trust anything she said because of all the stuff that's happened."

"Let's just say that at this point, in hindsight, I have quite a few questions. That said, until she started lying to me, it didn't matter."

"How so?"

"Bev was free to do as she saw fit, so long as she was honest with me. In other words, I didn't and don't care if she kissed someone before me or even slept with someone before me. That was her business, not mine, as we had never agreed to be an exclusive couple. If she had said she hadn't when she had, that would have been a problem. And I'm not talking details or names, just 'Yes, I have'.

"You know I tried my best to help her, but she kept pushing me away and running away despite repeated offers from me. I think I understand now what was driving her, but I didn't at the time. She was living a lie, and I think that's what caused her to begin behaving erratically. That's when my focus shifted to Heather, and why I insisted at every turn that Bev accept child support from Glen and reconcile with her parents."

"Could you get into any trouble for what happened?"

"Not according to Thomas Hart. I laid everything out for him when I had lunch with him. He made it clear that I didn't make any material misrepresentations. That is, the form saying I was Heather's father didn't make a difference in the outcome because I was Heather's legal guardian."

"What's going to happen now?"

"I have no idea, but what I hope happens is that Heather stays with her grandparents, Bev gets counseling, and after she gets her act together, she regains custody of Heather. Anyway, did you discuss anything else with Nancy?"

"We talked about my job, about school, and about developing other friendships besides Lily. Basically, I feel safe enough to expand my tiny group of friends."

"That's a good thing."

"There is a girl who's been in several of my classes whom I've said 'hi' to plenty of times, so I'm going to see if she's interested in having coffee. How are you doing?"

"I had a deep philosophical conversation with Deanna, and she helped me by suggesting a way out of the circular problem I was having. I think I know the correct way forward now."

"Does that mean you're ready to ask for a kiss?"

"Yes, but I think I need to explain the tentative solution first."

"Is this bad?" Violet asked nervously.

"I promise, with all my heart, that nothing, and I mean nothing, will ever interfere with our friendship. And that is not meant to say we'll only be friends but to say that we will always be friends. I hope you trust me enough to believe that promise."

"I do; it just seemed as if you were about to say something you were afraid I wouldn't like."

"My concern is more that I don't know what you'll say or how you'll react, which is what gives me a bit of trepidation."

"You made a promise which I know you'll keep, and I promise I won't be upset no matter what you say."

"My dilemma was how I could move forward without feeling I was replacing Keiko as my wife. You correctly pointed out that committing to being interred next to her when I die was a potential point of conflict with a future wife. But it also created an internal conflict for me. Deanna's insight was that I should embrace the idea of not replacing Keiko."

Violet was quiet for a moment, and I simply let her think about what I'd said.

"You mean never marrying again?" she finally asked after about two minutes.

"As I said to someone else on another topic, 'never' is a long time. The problem was thinking of Keiko as my wife, which will always be true, but also thinking about a future wife. I'd have a 'first wife' and a 'second wife'. In my mind, that was diminishing Keiko, and I couldn't get past it."

"What does that mean?"

"I'm not exactly sure, but one thing I did realize is that my desire for a traditional family was driven by a belief that my life would have automatically been better had my dad married my mom and we'd been a family. But, as Deanna put it, the only thing I know about my dad is that he was a traveling salesman who was happy to seduce a sixteen-year-old girl in 1962. There's no way of knowing if things would have been better because they could have been significantly worse."

"If he was like my dad, right?"

"Yes, or any other parent who loses custody for being abusive."

"I wondered about your insistence on a traditional family when you and Bianca agreed to have a baby together without being married, but then I found out about Keiko's illness, and it made sense."

"What you don't know is that Bianca and I had agreed on that before Keiko's diagnosis. So, while I was insisting I wanted a traditional family, I'd already agreed not to have one. I obviously don't have a problem with babies being born out of wedlock because I was one, and I don't condemn my mom for sending a message to the stork at sixteen."

Violet laughed, "Too funny!"

"I've also called it 'performing the ritual to invite me into her life'."

Violet laughed again. "Because you don't want to think about your mom doing that?"

"Actually, it doesn't bother me. I said those things to my mom to tease her about it."

"It's cute."

"Thanks. So, my way forward is to assume I won't marry again, but that doesn't preclude other children or a long-term relationship, even a monogamous one. I can't say for sure what the future will hold or how things will develop. I'm just saying that I can't promise to ever marry again, and nobody should assume that's what's going to happen."

"You mean me?" Violet asked.

"I mean anyone. May I be blunt?"

"You are with everyone but me, from what I've seen."

"That's true because of past circumstances. I've been more direct with you over time and have done my best to treat you the way I would any other generally conservative young woman."

"I think I know what you're going to say, but you should say it."

I nodded, "I'm ready to kiss you if you want, but that kiss isn't any kind of commitment to an exclusive relationship, now or in the future. And that's true of anything we might do together."

"Anything?" she asked.

"Yes. Neither of us knows if we'll get to that point, but I don't want to mislead you."

Violet laughed softly, "Seriously? You don't actually believe that! You believe I want to, and I know you want to because that's been clear since the gum!"

"True," I chuckled. "But desire is insufficient for what I think are obvious reasons."

"And yet, I'm confident you believe it will happen. In fact, you wanted it to happen, but you felt even kissing me was a commitment to a very specific future."

"I did."

"I know I promised a straight answer, but you changed the parameters. You know I don't think it's only for marriage, but I've always thought it was only for a committed relationship. I want some time to think about it, OK?"

"Of course. As I said, I promise to be your friend no matter what."

"Thank you."

We hung out until 2:30pm when I had to leave, and when Violet walked me to the door, she gave me a tight hug and a soft kiss on the cheek that implied far more than the peck on the lips she'd given me on one occasion. I was actually glad she'd asked for time because I realized I needed more time despite saying I was willing to kiss her.

I pushed that to the back of my mind and considered what I might say to Kayleigh and what kind of compromise would even be possible, given Deanna's proposed solution to my dilemma. I honestly doubted there was a way forward, but one thing gave me pause — Mary Kealty. She had been an apparently devout Catholic but had claimed it was all to keep her parents happy.

The difference was that Mary had disclaimed believing at least some Catholic doctrine, while Kayleigh had stated she agreed with it. The other name that popped into my head was Teresa, Maria's sister, who had said she was a faithful Catholic but had gone to bed with me nonetheless. And Teri came to mind as well, though she claimed it was as much cultural as anything.

Ultimately, though, none of that likely mattered, given my current thinking about the future. Nothing was set in stone, and all options were open, but the least likely option was one that Kayleigh would likely insist upon, just as Teri had. Accepting that condition would simply put me right back where I had been — concerned about replacing Keiko.

When I walked into Maxim's, Kayleigh was waiting at the hostess stand, and we were immediately seated. A waitress poured coffee and asked if we wanted anything to eat, but we both declined.

"Were you waiting long?" I asked.

"Maybe two minutes, if even that," she replied.

"I'm not quite sure how to approach this, so I think I'm just going to ask why you gave me your phone number that day you were called to act as a Notary."

"You seemed nice, were obviously super successful, were tall and in good shape, and if my grandfather trusted you with his money, you had to be an honest, trustworthy guy. He didn't like either of the guys I dated seriously in High School or junior college, and he obviously likes you. It seemed like a good chance to take."

"I didn't call because, at that point, I was involved with Keiko, and she had received her diagnosis. When you made your second overture, I wasn't quite ready to see anyone. I'm still proceeding very carefully."

"That's totally understandable, and that's why I made the point of saying I hoped you'd call when you were ready. I just didn't want to miss a chance, though I'm not sure I really have one."

"I suppose it's a question of what you want, what you believe, and where you can compromise. Your grandfather and grandmother appear to have figured it out, at least to hear him tell it, and so have your parents."

"You agree with my grandfather about Catholic teaching, right?"

"What little we discussed, yes. The way I see it is that for us to move forward in any way, some huge compromises would be necessary, and when you made a point of agreeing completely with Catholic doctrine, that was a strong indication there was no reasonable middle ground on which to meet."

"Which doctrines bug you the most?"

"Probably the ones on which you can't compromise — sin, confession, abortion, birth control, and sex."

"I feel like you've had this conversation before."

"A few times," I replied. "If you'll pardon the expression, you can't swing a dead cat in Chicago without hitting a Catholic! I've met a few girls where there was mutual interest, and we've talked about all those things. That's how I knew about the requirements for a Catholic wedding, though your grandfather corrected a slight misunderstanding. May I ask how your mom and dad handle things?"

"You mean about church? Dad goes to church with us on Christmas and Easter, but that's it."