Chapter 40: Analysis and a Way Forward

February 25, 1984, Chicago, Illinois

"When is your test?" Jack asked when I arrived home after my final Series 30 class.

"May 8th," I replied. "It usually takes six to eight weeks to know if you passed. Did you clear your Series 7 license exam with Kristy's dad?"

"Yes. I'm going to take the same class you did, starting in May."

"Good! I'm going to change. Are you and Kristy headed out?"

"We're having dinner at her parents' house."

"Then I'll see you later."

I went upstairs to change, then went back downstairs to make dinner. It would only be Deanna and me, as all the others were out or going out. I made a simple meal of spaghetti and meatballs in meat sauce, along with garlic bread, then called Deanna to join me. As usual, she had paint on her smock, her hands, her arms, and her face.

"What are you working on?" I asked.

"I finished 'Rising Sun' and 'Cherry Blossom'."

"Are you going to show those?"

"No. I decided against that because they're personal for you. I showed the 'Market' series, but these are different."

"How are the paintings for your class coming along?"

"I'll need you to pose again, which we could do tonight, and you and Bianca, which we could do tomorrow. You'll both be home, according to the calendar."

"Ellie will come by for a study session. That kind of lapsed when Keiko got sick."

"Understandable. Would you have time tomorrow to sit with Natasha and me to talk about some design ideas?"

"Ellie is supposed to be here from 1:00pm to 3:00pm, so before or after."

"After is better, I think," Deanna said. "I'll call her when we finish eating. There is one thing I should have mentioned — in addition to photos, Natasha will want to show the finished space to her professor."

"I'm cool with that. Is that name Russian?"

"Yes. Her great-grandparents left Russia in 1905, during the First Russian Revolution. Her given name is actually Natalia; Natasha is a diminutive like Bev calling you 'Jonny'. Just think, you'll have a condo decorated by a famous interior designer with art from a famous artist!"

"She has to go to New York, similar to how CeCi has to go to California, right?"

"She's planning on a Master's in Fine Arts, so she could end up in a number of different places, but in the end, New York is where she'd rather stay."

I chuckled, "That one, I know!"

"Natasha actually looks a bit like a young Eva Gabor and dresses similar to her, though not the way she did on Green Acres, but in publicity photos. That aside, New York is where the best schools are, too — The New School, Cornell, and the New York School of Interior Design. That last one would be her top choice. There's also a new school that started six years ago in Savannah, Georgia, but I don't see Natasha moving to Georgia."

"How do interior designers work? Is it like artists? Or for a firm?"

"They can work for an architectural firm, an interior design firm, or be freelancers. It's tough to go freelance without a name and reputation. Think about Dustin's situation — he chose to open his own photography studio, and you've heard about his initial struggles. Now that he has a positive reputation, word of mouth is helping him build his business.

"For Natasha, it's actually probably more like your situation. You need to work for Spurgeon to develop your clientele. Once you do, you have the option of staying or running your own firm. It would be the same for Natasha. Well, unless she finds a patron similar to how yours truly did!"

"How often does something like that happen?"

"Not very, to tell the truth. I was extremely lucky in that regard. That bottle of Jack Daniel's was the best investment I've ever made, even though I had no idea that it would pay off in anything other than orgasms!"

"You can tell me to mind my own business, but have you been seeing anyone?"

"Nobody serious. I haven't been a nun, but mostly the guys who ask are either full of themselves, full of shit, or married."

"On that last one..."

"There's a difference between what I proposed and sneaking around. Keiko would have known about me and approved. Well, she wouldn't, but you know what I mean."

"So, some kind of 'honest' mistress?"

"Yes, actually. Keiko mentioned how it works in Japan, but what I'm talking about is even more open. There's a phrase in Italian — «cortigiana onesta». It means 'honest courtesan' and is a woman who is very well educated and erudite. She's chosen for her conversational skills, intelligence, common sense, and companionship. Sex is part of it, but only part.

"The «cortigiana onesta» is meant to participate actively in the life of the man by whom she's hired. She should be able to converse on any topic and provide good companionship outside of the bedroom. Many of them were quite well off and had a career, often in the arts. Historically, she was accepted by her benefactor's wife and organized her life around her benefactor's marital obligations."

"Interesting."

"That's a far cry from the mistress John Margolis had on his arm at the show or from what the married guys who hit on me want. You do realize that the check wasn't just for a preview of my art, right? He was paying me to fuck him when I show him my art."

"That was not the impression I had."

Deanna laughed, "Because you're a guy! Do you pay attention to subtle hints from guys about sex?"

"Not particularly, no!"

"And, as a guy, you probably had no clue about his girlfriend's tone and body language, which, in effect, told me not to, but acknowledged it was probably going to happen."

"I completely missed all of that."

"And I'm sure you missed the two other guys who tried to pick me up but had to be careful because you were standing close most of the time."

"Black suit, green tie, mid-fifties, with a woman his same age? Who gave you his business card?"

"That was one of them. His wife is clueless, but it was clear when he touched my arm and looked into my eyes what he wanted. It wouldn't have been any clearer if he'd simply said, 'I want to fuck you'."

"That was a guess, by the way, because, at the time, I had no clue."

"Guys with their wives have to be subtle. Well, most of them. Some are just complete assholes and do it blatantly in front of their wives to show how powerful they are."

"And me?"

"Focused, but not a self-centered jerk. You can be unfeeling at times, but you do a good job of hiding it. May I make an observation?"

"Yes."

"The girls in this house, and I mean to include Keiko, all understood that and could deal with it. So could the girls who just wanted to fuck. The girls with whom you had difficulty couldn't deal with what they saw as unfeeling, uncaring, and stoic. Don't get me wrong — you do care, and you do have concern for people close to you, but your true nature is, well, to be a cold-hearted bastard."

"A not inaccurate assessment."

"Setting aside the girls who just want to fuck, how many girls have you gone out with or whatever who simply couldn't deal with your true nature?"

Rachel, Phoebe, Huifen, Clara, Anna, and, to some extent, Lily, just to name six. And that was just off the top of my head.

"Quite a few," I replied, electing not to say the names aloud.

"Don't get me wrong," Deanna said, "I do not think you were faking it with Keiko, but it took effort because it's not your true nature."

I nodded, "That goes right back to the conversation I had with Haley about loving someone versus being 'in love' and how only actions mattered because nobody could discern the depth of your emotions because all they could go on were externals."

"May I delve further?"

"Of course."

"All of us in the house are basically utilitarian — we do what works for us, without concern for what other people think. Bianca believes I'm in love with you, and she's both wrong and right. The same is true for CeCi. It's also true for Bianca, but carrying your baby has changed things.

"All of us need you and want you, and we all gain something from the relationship. If we didn't, we wouldn't be here. That is our primary motive; but for the three of us — CeCi, Bianca, and me — it's deeper, and there is an emotional attachment, but it doesn't drive us the way it does most people. And none of us feel slighted, diminished, or used because we all have that same basic mindset — do what works, what helps you achieve your goals, and makes you feel good."

Which very neatly and succinctly described the problem with Haley.

"I feel there's a point you're leading up to," I said.

Deanna laughed, "Because we all have an agenda! That's another thing about the four of us – we're open and honest about our agendas. Bianca was quite clear with you about what she wanted. So was I with regard to finding a patron. Neither of those bothered you at all, and each of us found a compromise path forward to get what we wanted. No disrespect, but that was true for Keiko as well.

"Keiko loved you, and you loved her, but not in the way that most of the romantic idiots in society see it. Your love was unwavering even in the face of the worst possible circumstances. Nothing could shake it because it wasn't emotional the way most people understand that word. It was, like everything else about you, logical, analytical, and goal-oriented.

"The thing is, it was more real than nearly any relationship I've seen or experienced. And it was more real because it made logical sense. Most people would call it fraud, but it was authentic in ways that traditional conceptions of romantic love can never be. Emotions come and go, but logic is forever."

"An interesting analysis. Are you going to share your agenda?"

"I don't have to! You know what it is."

I nodded, "It hasn't changed because it's logical, practical, and achieves your goals."

"Exactly. There is a way out of the circular trap you feel you're in."

"What's that?"

"You're sure you want to hear this?"

"From you? Yes."

"Your struggle is with the idea of not 'replacing' Keiko. There are two ways out, as I see it. The first is to discard that idea. The second is to embrace it."

"Embrace it?"

"Don't remarry. Keiko will always be your wife, and nobody will take her place with that specific title. I'm not saying don't have a long-term relationship; I'm saying just don't try to fill the specific position of 'wife'."

"I'm not sure that makes sense," I said. "I'm having difficulty wrapping my head around that."

"Deep inside you, you believe Keiko is your wife, and I don't think that belief is ever going to go away. That means any future Mrs. Jonathan Kane will have to compete with Keiko, and she will always lose. And I can prove that."

"OK, this I have to hear!"

"What is going to happen when you eventually die, Jonathan?"

I took a deep breath and let it out, "Violet pointed out the potential conflict, and I told her I'd made the decision to be interred next to Keiko, and it was not going to change."

"Quod erat demonstrandum."

"That does put a very different spin on things and explains my dilemma and why I'm tied up in knots about a way forward."

"Yes, it does, and you knew it; you just couldn't articulate it."

"I have to reconcile that with my thinking about marriage and family. I'm sure you have something to say about that, too."

"Obviously."

"Before you say it, how long have you been thinking about this?"

"Since it was obvious Keiko was going to die," Deanna replied. "And to answer your next question, I didn't discuss this with anyone except a friend who is working on her Master's in psychology at Loyola. I purposefully haven't invited her to anything because I felt I'd receive better advice if she didn't know you."

"Interesting. Go on."

"I believe, and this is speculation because, as you say, we can't know each other's interior thoughts, or even truly understand our own, that your desire is based on your family situation growing up. In your mind, whether it's actually true or not, your mom and dad being married would have solved every problem you encountered. That's what had you fixated on a traditional marriage and a traditional family."

"I can't argue with that, at least at the moment, so I'll accept that for the sake of this discussion."

"I think it all flows from there. And I think you know, or will at least admit the possibility, that things could actually have been worse having your dad around. And I think you know exactly why that is."

"Violet and her sister."

"A traditional family that makes your childhood look like a dream world. I'm positive Violet and her sister would trade families in a heartbeat."

"You're not wrong."

"And it's not just Violet — think of the reports we see of DCFS rescuing children from abusive parents. You have no idea what your dad was like beyond being a traveling salesman happy to seduce a pretty sixteen-year-old girl in 1962."

"True."

"It's also the case that you expressly rejected the idea of a traditional family even before Keiko became sick because you agreed to father a baby with Bianca."

"Also true."

"So, in my view, your way forward is to embrace the idea of not replacing Keiko, which resolves the tension you're having, honors what she asked you, and honors the promise you said you made to her to do what was in your own best interest."

"And yours," I replied with a smile.

"So what?" Deanna asked with a similar smile. "That doesn't offend your delicate sensibilities!"

I chuckled, "I'm the last person to have 'delicate sensibilities'."

"Obviously. May I propose a specific course of action?"

"Always. I'm perfectly capable of declining if I don't think it's a good idea."

"After dinner, you pose in your kimono so I can complete that painting, then we go to my room and have sex. I think that will allow you to move forward in a more natural way without the current struggle. It'll be completely private between you and me because everyone else is out, so you can proceed on your own timing."

"Let me think it through while we clean up after dinner and you paint."

"That was, by the way, the main point of this exercise, and the one I thought was the most likely outcome. Obviously, I want you, but not at the expense of your psychological health."

"I assume we need to bring your easel and some drop cloths to the Japanese room?"

"Yes. You'll see I've done some rough work, and now I need to add detail. I could do it from memory, but it's much better if I can see you. Tomorrow morning, we'll do the same thing with you and Bianca. I was thinking, too, that the Nuclear Family series could continue, with one painting a year."

"Uhm, once Sofía is older, that could be a problem."

"If you mean legally, no. The First Amendment protects art so long as it isn't sexual in nature. Think about all those pictures of toddlers in bathtubs or that famous picture of 'Napalm Girl' taken by Nick Ut. It ran on the front page of The New York Times and won a Pulitzer Prize despite showing a naked nine-year-old girl.

"I also want you to think of the difference between the pose with Bianca and the poses with Alexa. There is a fundamental difference between your hands on Bianca's stomach and your hands on Alexa's breasts. Only the most prudish members of society would see the image of you and Bianca as having anything to do with sex."

"Minus the part where she could only be in that condition if we had sex!" I chuckled.

"Pedantic as always! But is the painting about sex? Or about something else?"

I thought for a moment.

"It's about being human."

"Yes. Do you know the saying from the Book of Job? 'Naked I came into the world, naked I go out of the world'? Well, that's our natural state. Genesis says the same thing — Adam and Eve were naked in the Garden and were not ashamed; they only became ashamed after they broke one of God's rules. And you don't have to believe in God to understand the concepts being taught there.

"You don't have experience with this yet, but little kids often simply shed their clothes because they are uncomfortable, confining, or too warm. They have to be taught that being naked is socially unacceptable. And compare US and European thinking on topless sunbathing. Americans are so fixated on breasts being about sex when that is absolutely not their primary purpose. Europeans don't completely lose their shit when they see topless women the way most Americans do."

"Well, that discussion is several years down the road. Obviously, I don't have a concern about a toddler, but I'll have to think it through, and obviously, Bianca has to agree."

"Yes, of course."

We finished our meal, cleaned up the kitchen, then went up to Deanna's room to get the easel, paints, drop cloths, and canvas. While she set up, I went to my room and put on my kimono, then joined her in the Japanese room. I stood in the same position with the same pose, and Deanna began to paint, allowing me time to think about the very deep conversation we'd had.

She clearly had an agenda, and the status quo fulfilled every bit of it except her desire for a long-term sexual relationship. I had, by giving her a raincheck, expressed an intent to resume that, though I knew she wouldn't hold me to it if I felt it wasn't in my best interest. If anything could be said about Deanna, it was that, except in relation to her art, she was as logical, practical, and stoic as I was.

What she'd said had merit and was, almost counterintuitively, a way to break out of the circular trap I'd laid for myself. I had thought that the way to move forward was to stop thinking of Keiko as my wife, something I was loath to do. Deanna's suggestion had turned that idea on its head. It would avoid the entire mindset of 'first wife' versus 'second wife', as Keiko would always be 'my wife'.

Both Violet and Deanna had made the point about my plans to be cremated and interred next to Keiko being a definitive statement about my relationship with her. There was no chance I was going to change that commitment, and I'd even had Nelson write it into what he'd called my 'end of life' documents.