Chapter 28: Suffocating

December 31, 1983, Chicago, Illinois

“Jonathan,” CeCi said through my closed door. “You have a phone call on your line.”

I had turned off the ringer while I was napping after grocery shopping with Bianca and Deanna.

“Thanks,” I said.

I rolled to the side of the bed and picked up the phone, which was on the nightstand.

“Kane,” I said.

“Jonathan? It’s Teri Maguire. Troy saw the obituary in the paper yesterday and showed it to me. I’m so sorry.”

“Thanks.”

“That’s all I wanted to say. I won’t disturb you further.”

“It’s OK. How have you been?”

“Fine. I’ve finished my first semester. Are you taking classes?”

“International finance on Saturday mornings.”

“And work is going OK?”

“I was promoted to Head of Research.”

“Congratulations. I should let you go.”

“Thanks for calling.”

We said ‘goodbye’, and I hung up. I went to the sink in my bathroom, splashed some water on my face, then went downstairs.

“What do you want for lunch?” Bianca asked when I walked into the kitchen.

“I was going to make some chicken noodle soup.”

“I can do it for you,” she said.

“Thanks, but I think I can manage to open the can of Campbell’s and add water to it in the pot.”

“Obviously,” Bianca replied. “CeCi said Teri called.”

“Troy saw the obituary and told Teri. She called to offer condolences.”

“Pretty much everyone else was either at the wake, the funeral, or both. The only one of note I didn’t see was Maria.”

“She and Tom separated. I have no idea what happened, because Stuart didn’t say, and I didn’t feel it was my place to pry. You’re right about attendance; the only people missing were a few girls from Loyola who don’t live in Chicagoland, like Izzy and Meg. I don’t know if I ever asked — who’ll be here tonight?”

“Pretty much everyone responded positively. The only major exceptions were Stuart, who is working, and some of the out-of-town girls, whom I didn’t actually expect to show up but whom I felt I should invite.”

“How many?”

“About eighty-five total. There’s plenty of room in the house.”

“Obviously. I was just wondering. You won’t get on my case if I take a break at some point during the evening, will you?”

“No. But please be with us at midnight.”

“I will.”

“Violet called while you were napping to make sure it was still OK to sleep in the spare bedroom tonight. I told her it was, but I can call her back if that’s a problem.”

“No problem for me,” I replied. “I never had a chance to teach her to drive, so if she didn’t stay, someone would have had to drive her home after midnight.”

I made my soup, ate it, then went to the Japanese room to read the Tribune, which I hadn’t read before going shopping. I put on a tape of instrumental Japanese music and picked up the front section of the paper. About five minutes after I’d sat down, CeCi came to the door of the room.

“Mind if I come in and read?” she asked.

“I don’t mind at all,” I replied.

It was rare for CeCi to come into the Japanese room, and I wondered if the girls had decided I needed someone with me or if it was just the fact that the room had been dedicated to Keiko for a few months. I decided not to say anything and to wait to see if I was actually able to have time alone other than in my room. I knew they meant well, but if that was their plan, it would quickly grow oppressive.

I read the paper, which took about forty minutes, then let CeCi know I was going upstairs. I put the paper on the kitchen table where we always left it, then went up to my room to do something I knew I needed to do and felt I shouldn’t put off. I went over to Keiko’s dresser and opened the top drawer. I was surprised to see an envelope with my name on it in Keiko’s handwriting, along with the Kanji she had chosen to represent my name. With more than a bit of trepidation, I picked it up, carefully opened it, and extracted a folded sheet of paper.

Dear Jonathan 勇祐

If you’re reading this, it means the end has come.

Nothing I could write could ever express how much I love you and how grateful I am for the time we had together, even if it was very short. I know you loved me with every fibre of your being, and you showed me that love every minute of every day we had together. There was no luckier girl in the world than Keiko Suzuki Kane.

Remember me always, but do not wear my memory as a straitjacket. You have the rest of your life ahead of you, and you honor me by being successful and achieving your goals. Think of me, but do not allow that to hold you back from being the man I love who is confident and successful.

Please do not despair, for I know you will find happiness in the future. And someday, perhaps, we will meet again.

All my love,

Keiko 圭子

I put the paper on the dresser and sat down on the edge of the bed as tears dripped down my cheeks.

“Jonathan?” Deanna said from the door to my room.

“I’m OK,” I replied. “I found a letter Keiko left for me.”

“OK to come in and hug you?”

I nodded, and Deanna came to stand next to me. She took my hand and gently encouraged me to stand, and we hugged for a couple of minutes while I got control of my emotions.

“Thanks,” I said. “I’ll be fine now.”

“Are you sure?”

“As sure as I can be.”

“OK. Just let me know if you need anything.”

“Thanks.”

She left, and I began going through Keiko’s things, drawer by drawer. I found a diary, which I wasn’t sure what to do with, so I set it aside, along with the few pieces of jewelry she had. I placed her clothes in neat piles on the bed, except for a pair of scarves, which I decided to keep. I did the same with her clothes from the closet, including shoes and belts.

I went through her books, and those which had been purchased from the Loyola bookstore went into a pile to be sold back. The other books — a few novels and a book of Japanese poetry, I put on my bookshelf. Her photo albums and scrapbooks went into a box, which I’d give to her parents, along with the framed pictures of her family from the top of her dresser. I put her car keys, her purse, and an envelope with her birth certificate on my desk.

Keiko had a suitcase and a travel bag, and I managed to pack most of her clothes into them. When I finished doing that, I remembered her coat, hat, and gloves were downstairs, so I went down to get them and brought them back to my room. I hung them in the closet, moved the suitcase and travel bag into the closet, and put the box for her parents on the shelf. Sometime in January, I’d offer the clothes to Keiko’s cousin Ailea and deliver the box to Keiko’s parents.

I sat down at the desk and began going through Keiko’s purse. It felt strange, almost as if I was violating sacred space, but it had to be done. I put her house key in my desk drawer with the other spares. I put her driver’s license and Social Security card in the envelope with her birth certificate and placed the plastic insert with photos in the box with her photo albums and scrapbooks. Her address book I put in my desk in case I might need it at some point in the future.

I cut up her credit cards and made a note to call American Express and the bank to cancel those cards. The small amount of currency in her billfold I added to my wallet, and put the few coins in the tray in my desk drawer. A cherry Chapstick I put in the trash, and a brush and mirror I set on the desk, as I was unsure what to do with them.

I put the purse on the shelf in the closet, then went to the bathroom and collected her things, though I deposited her soap, toothbrush, and deodorant in the trash. The other items — a brush, some hair ribbons, and ponytail holders I put on the desk with the brush and mirror.

“Jonathan?” Bianca said from the door of my bedroom.

“Yes?”

“Violet is here.”

“Tell her I’ll be down in a minute, please. I just need to finish organizing Keiko’s things.”

“Are you doing OK?”

“Yes. I’m sure CeCi and Deanna both gave you a full report.”

“We’re just looking out for you.”

“I know,” I replied. “I promise I won’t seclude myself, but I do need some time alone. Please.”

“Sorry,” Bianca said.

“I totally get it, and I say this advisedly — I need some space. Not like Bev when she ran away, but just time for myself.”

“OK.”

She went back downstairs, I put the letter from Keiko in my locked drawer, then put all the things on my desk into a small box, which I put on the shelf in the closet. As I closed the closet, my eyes went to a charcoal drawing of Keiko and me Deanna had done that was hanging on the wall, and I fondly remembered the very first time I’d seen Keiko when she’d brought Ellie to the house. I stood looking at the painting for a few minutes, reminiscing, then headed downstairs.

Violet greeted me with a quick hug, and we went to sit in the great room with my housemates, except Jack and Kristy, who were out but would return for the New Year’s party. Violet asked the question that basically everyone asked as soon as they saw me — how was I doing? I was really getting tired of the question, but I also knew it was better not to say anything other than that I was doing OK or ‘hanging in there’.

“Do you plan to start a fire in the fire pit?” Bianca asked about ten minutes later. “It’s not as cold as it was, and I have ingredients for S’mores.”

“I’ll do that after dinner. Who’s cooking?”

“Nobody. Jack and Kristy are bringing Brown’s chicken. They’ll be home about 5:30pm.”

“OK. Is there anything that needs to be done?”

“The girls have it all under control!”

The phone rang, and I got up to answer it.

“Kane.”

“Jonathan, it’s Mom. I wanted to let you know I’m home safely. How are you doing?”

“OK,” I replied. “My friends are here.”

“Call me if you need anything or just want to talk.”

“Thanks, Mom.”

We said ‘goodbye’, I hung up, then returned to the great room. I hung out with the girls until Jack and Kristy arrived with chicken, mashed potatoes, gravy, and biscuits from Brown’s Chicken. We ate, then began setting up for the New Year’s party. I wasn’t in a festive mood, but I knew the girls would get on my case if I tried to sit it out.

I built a fire in the fire pit with Violet’s assistance and contemplated filling the hot tub. I suspected I could escape there and not get grief. The only concern would be that I’d need to either leave the heat on all night or drain it, as the temperature was well below freezing.

What made the decision was that I realized that nobody who didn’t live in the house would have a bathing suit, and, as such, I could actually have some time to myself in the middle of the party without retreating to my room. I opened the valve for the water feed, and once the water began to flow, I turned on the heating unit.

“Will people have bathing suits?” Violet asked, seemingly reading my mind.

“No,” I replied.

“So why fill the hot tub and turn it on?”

“Because I have a bathing suit.”

Violet was quiet for a few seconds, then smiled, “And that lets you have some time to yourself.”

“Yes. It’ll be too cold to stand anywhere except by the fire pit, and other than my housemates, nobody will have a bathing suit.”

“May I make a suggestion?”

“Sure.”

“You could come to my house if you wanted to get away. You know I have two spare rooms, and I won’t bother you. Or you could do your homework at my house after your classes on Saturdays.”

“I appreciate the offer. Let’s see what happens in the next week, but we’ll absolutely have breakfast together, as I promised. Remember that in February, I’ll be taking classes for my next securities license. It’s from 1:00pm to 5:00pm in the Loop, so breakfast works better than lunch.”

“That’s the class that allows you to manage other people with licenses? And then you could run your own company if you want to.”

“Yes, and while that’s a distinct possibility for the future, I still have a lot to learn, and the golden handcuffs are pretty difficult to slip.”

“You mean because you make so much money?”

“Yes, but also because a good chunk of that is tied up in Spurgeon’s funds, and he has a lot of sway over clients. There’s no guarantee that any clients I’ve found would go with me, though some are fairly likely. And in the end, that’s the key — having enough funds under management. I have just over $100 million now, but almost 10% of that is Noel Spurgeon’s personal money.”

“Is that legal? I mean for him to trap you?”

“If it’s a trap, then I knowingly walked right into it, with my eyes wide open. But it’s better to characterize it as he makes staying so enticing and so profitable that it’s difficult to leave. Let’s say, for example, the plumbing company paid you $100,000 a year to do your job. Any other job at your level only pays $18,000. Should it be illegal for them to pay you that much on the grounds that nobody else would offer a salary that high?”

“As if!” Violet said with a soft laugh.

“But you see my point, right?”

“Yes. I could leave for another job, but it wouldn’t make sense to do so.”

“Exactly. And speaking of leaving, are you still interested in working as my administrative assistant?”

“Yes! Is that possible?”

“It is. I’ll need a copy of your résumé.”

“What about references?”

“I’m your main reference. You could use whoever supervised you at the daycare or someone familiar with the work you do now. Don’t worry too much about it because, for secretaries and administrative assistants, the person doing the hiring has basically a free hand to choose who they want.”

“Girls who will...”

“That would seem to be the primary criterion for most of them. And that is one of the things about Spurgeon Capital I find seriously problematic.”

“It seems wrong.”

“Because it is wrong. Something radical will have to happen to change the culture there. Hopefully, it will, and girls like Anna Bergdahl and you are the harbingers of change.”

“That’s the Swedish girl who works for your boss, right?”

“Yes. And who flat-out refused to participate in any shenanigans. And you know Bianca would never do that, either.”

“She’s not a secretary!”

“No, but she’s female.”

“Obviously! Especially given she’s six months pregnant! Can I ask you something about that?”

“Yes, the baby is mine, and yes, Keiko knew and approved. The timing is such that you should be able to work out that Bianca was pregnant before Keiko and I married.”

“I wasn’t accusing you of anything because I know you’d never, ever break your vows. Who knows you’re the baby’s father?”

“All our housemates, obviously, and a few others, such as my mom. Mrs. Peterson in personnel knows, as does Noel Spurgeon, but we’re keeping it quiet for what I think are obvious reasons.”

“Yes. Anyway, back to the job, I can give you a résumé right away. I prepared a new one when you mentioned the possibility. You’re driving me home tomorrow, right?”

“Yes.”

“I’ll give it to you then. How much does the job pay?”

“$21,000 per year, plus bonus.”

“Whoa! That’s basically double what I was making at the daycare and twenty-five percent more than I’m making now. How much is the bonus?”

“Only Noel Spurgeon knows. It’s closely guarded information. I honestly have no idea what bonus amounts anyone else receives, including people who work for me. The one exception is I know how much Bianca’s Christmas bonus was because she told me, but that’s not something that’s normally discussed.”

The tub was full, so I closed the valve, then put the canvas cover over it to retain as much heat as possible. I walked over to the fire pit, put another log on the fire, and then Violet and I went back into the house.

Guests began arriving just after 8:00pm, and nearly every one of them asked me how I was doing. By the time most had arrived, I was ready to try to hide in my room just to avoid the constant ‘Are you doing OK?’ questions. I understood everyone cared, but the caring was beginning to feel oppressive. I was tempted to take my mom up on her offer, but a six-hour drive each way when I had to be at work on Tuesday morning didn’t make sense.

For the moment, I could take refuge in the hot tub, so I went upstairs, changed into my bathing suit, put on a robe and flip-flops, then walked out to the hot tub with numerous stares and questioning looks. Outside, I removed the cover of the hot tub, shed my robe and flip-flops, and climbed into the warm water. Enough heat rose from the water so that my head, which was above water, wasn’t cold.

“And I didn’t bring my bathing suit!” Katy exclaimed, coming over to the tub from the fire pit. “Of course, it’s dark enough. I probably don’t need one!”

“Please don’t,” I said, as that was the last thing I needed at the moment.

“Sorry,” Katy replied. “I’ll, uhm, leave you alone.”

She walked away, and I realized the tone of my voice had been fairly harsh. A few other girls came by, and I was very careful to not sound annoyed or harsh. Fortunately, I was mostly left alone and had about ten minutes of complete peace until Deanna and CeCi came onto the deck in robes. A minute later, they were in the hot tub but were both careful to basically sit directly across from me.

“I hope you don’t mind,” Deanna said. “We’ll be quiet, so we don’t disturb you, but the tub has been drained for months.”