Chapter 7

Suzanne and Andrew let Ara dump the last of her endorphins, just holding her close, showing her they loved her.

“Tell me what you were thinking Andrew.”

“I wanted you to have the best experience possible. You heard what Suzanne and I did in Amsterdam.”

He stopped and thought for a second before carrying on.

“There are two things, one relatively minor and one extremely important. The easy, inconsequential thing is that when we told you about the walk wearing just the coat last year it seemed to really excite you. Now we never got the chance to recreate it when we were there last month. We somehow managed to distract ourselves.”

They all laughed at the memory.

“I am glad that I have the chance to talk about the more important issue because it has been in my thoughts on and off for months. Back in Edinburgh when we first agreed to this wonderful life you talked about your experiences with dominance, how Suzanne had been helping you understand that side of you, allowing you to grow into your sexuality, to accept the desires that you were feeling. The two of you were the two sides of the same coin. So at the time, in my head, that is how I envisioned you within our threesome. But then quite quickly you started to embrace your submissive side and that surprised me. Now this is your life and you have to be comfortable with who you are and the dynamics between the three of us. And I understood that better over the course of the Spring, particularly when you told me how I swamp your thinking. Today is showing that although this is who you are, at least with me, you still struggle with it at times. My struggle is treating both of you the same. It is incredibly important to me, and I think fundamental to us as a three, that I treat the two of you equally. Now today was my cack-handed attempt at treating you the same as Suzanne. So I am trying to keep things equal with you while at the same time I also want it to be unique to you. You are not twins. And you being taller than Suzanne I went with the idea of a shorter coat to highlight your legs.”

Andrew was lying on his left hand side, his right hand gently caressing Ara’s hip. He shrugged, his usual physical punctuation mark. Ara leaned over and kissed him before smiling and kissing Suzanne.

“Just when we couldn’t love you any more you go and tell us this.”

Ara kissed him again. Suzanne carried on.

“Andrew, do you realise that you rarely say our two names in the same order. It is Suzanne then Ara, Ara then Suzanne. It is slightly freaky how you can go back and forth between us. We have known for weeks that you see and treat us as equals. Even in the bedroom, it is never the same person first, we both always come, even when you don’t. What has been fascinating tonight is to hear you talk about it with the submission.”

“You have let me set the pace and when you explain it, especially how I seemed to have switched, it makes sense. You have gently questioned that this is really my choice without being too paternalistic. What Suze has really helped me understand is how men are visual creatures. And you are this bizarre combination of incredibly respectful and gentle man but you also have this very visceral side to you where you love to look at women. And that is just you in a general context. When it comes to the two of us it is like everything is magnified even more. More understanding, more loving, more respectful, and yet also more dominant and more visual.”

Ara stopped and sighed. Neither Suzanne nor Andrew said anything, waiting instead for her to gather her thoughts.

“I don’t know how clear a lot of this will be but let me try and explain. A lot of my experiences have been very confusing and it is only now that I am in a settled relationship with you and Suze that I can look back on parts of my life and try and make sense of it. I grew up in a privileged background; you have met my mother, so you can see how I was raised. Up until I started to tune her out I heard a lot of nonsense from her about ‘marrying well’. Daughters were married off to increase. Well in previous ages there were all sorts of reasons, from a kind of diplomacy to acquiring wealth, retaining power, gaining power. All these reasons and more. You only have to look at how many foreign born Queens there have been here in Britain. So I had all that to try and deal with, try and process. But at the same time it was clear as day from an early age that my mother was in charge of the family. That she had married a Baron was neither here nor there, she was in charge. So although my upbringing was never couched in those terms I have seen a form of submission and dominance up close. But it was all unformed thoughts in my head. I was only 10 years old when I started senior school. I was young for my age, the youngest in the year, but then on top of that I skipped a year so I felt like a little girl when I started. My memories of that first year were not too bad but as puberty hit in second year for most of my classmates that was when I retreated into my studies. It was tough being this gangly flat-chested young girl. Even in second and third year I felt all the other girls were womanly and I was a child. It was tough.

“For the longest time I didn’t see myself as a woman. All around me were woman but I was a child. And although I wasn’t bullied I was picked on, especially when it came to sex. You have both heard the story about how I thought sex worked for women. I would be ‘taken’ by a man. Again at the time I didn’t realise how incredibly submissive that attitude was. And because sex was this hypothetical thing I didn’t over think it. I subconsciously rebelled against it in the other parts of my life. Just as Andrew finds Maths and Engineering easy so it was with me and History. I read constantly and not just standard stuff, my teachers particularly in English and History kept me challenged. But it was when I started to read the books by Katherine Routledge and Gertrude Bell that things really changed. Bell in particular was very influential to me. I can’t remember if Bell was married but I know that Routledge was, and I think these were the earliest moments where the dream of doing something with my life started.

“I realise that I am droning on here but even talking about this stuff is helping. Being the youngest, and often the smartest, person in the year toughened me up. But unchallenged and unchanged underlying my personality was this prepubescent naivety when it came to sex. One of the things I had seen at boarding school was some of the young women in my class kissing each other. As we got older and moved from dormitories of up to eight into smaller groups I saw it more and more. But again being younger worked against me. I had all sorts of thoughts and feelings about what I was seeing but just didn’t know how to deal with them, never mind express them. I think it was at the end of the third week of my first term at Edinburgh that Gwen had another woman stay over. I tried to be cool and worldly but probably came over as the awkward 16 year old that I was. But with Gwen I finally I had someone who I could talk to about it all. And despite being very conflicted about it at first over time I came to accept that I thought about women sexually.

“During all this Andrew arrived and utterly detonated all my preconceptions and misunderstandings about sex. Which just layered a huge amount of confusion into an already overloaded brain. Let’s skip the part where Andrew and I managed to drift apart and move ahead to last summer. The last six months of last year highlighted that I really like sex. I might have been incredibly inexperienced but when Andrew and I finally resumed fucking it was wonderful. But just to show that I can over think things as much as Andrew it also just made everything even more complicated. In no particular order; I liked men and women; thought I wanted a career more than a husband, yet Andrew stirred something within me; and I was trying to come to terms with my need to dominate poor Gwen. And I am being nice to call it dominate, it was more like bossy bullying.

“Then came the fateful night just before Christmas when I met Suzanne at the house. Ever since that evening more and more of my life has started to fall into place. It is only through my time with the two of you that I can try and analyse all the things that happened as I was growing up. When I knelt beside Suze on the bed and she let me spank her, well everything was different from that point. When we went down on each other afterwards there was no hiding that what I had done to her had turned us both on. The whole experience was full of revelations, the two most important being my latent issues with my mother which drove a large part of this, and that how unfairly I had been treating Gwen. Gwen put up with my amateur fumbling attempts at dominance to get to the sex. Suze showed me the difference, I saw, felt and tasted the difference. Just the thought of putting Suze over my knee and reddening her arse makes my heart race and my pussy moisten.”

Suzanne interrupted Ara with a long passionate kiss. Ara smiled wanly when they broke apart.

“See what I mean. The other side of the coin. It resolved one part of the three issues with my life, the dominance part. But it still left unresolved the whole idea of liking both men and women generally and you specifically. Adding to that was what I was starting to feel about Suzanne. And then a career versus a complicated and potentially fraught personal life. Now a lot of those concerns started to recede through the winter as Suze and I met regularly. This doesn’t have to be a recap of everything we talked about in April but most of that was resolved over all the weekends that we met up. I came to accept that I liked both women and men, and Suze and you specifically. And I knew I could trust you when it came to accepting that I wanted, I needed, to have a career. When we met for the first time as a three on April 5^th I thought the same way as you. I would dominate Suzanne in the ways that made you uncomfortable and the rest of the time we would be equals.

“What I didn’t understand, because I hadn’t seen it, was how you treated Suzanne in the bedroom. From that very first week I started to get confused about how I felt. It was lots of little things. It took me a long time to realise but there is a power in submission. I saw that all the time. Suzanne lets go, she has no control over what you are going to do to her, yet it just ends up as this incredibly loving dance between the two of you. You tie her up, cuff her hands, throw her around the bed, fuck her hard, bend her any way you want, but all that happens is I see the two of you in this incredible feedback loop of love and passion. And I was jealous of that.”

Ara stayed both Andrew and Suzanne from speaking.

“If I was as dominant around Andrew as I was with Suzanne then it wouldn’t make me jealous. I was jealous because I wanted to be ‘taken’ the way that Andrew took Suze. ‘Taken’ might be the most important thing that defined my sexuality. It can mean rape or sexual assault, coercion of some kind. The very word is the opposite of given. But Suze had given Andrew that control first. Yes, he was taking her, but it had already been given. I wanted to be loved as much as Suze was. Stop. I know how you were feeling, what you were doing. This was within me. To me, not you, this was love. And when I gave you that control it was the same as that first time with Suzanne. I couldn’t hide from the way it made me feel not just physically but emotionally as well.

“But it didn’t mean that I wasn’t sometimes plagued with doubts. They sneak up on me at odd moments like they did tonight. You really have taught us to ramble as badly as you. I am all over the place with this. Getting back on track I understand exactly what you are doing with the two of us, trying to treat us equally but not just giving us identical experiences. I know that we use the word ‘Paula’ if we need to call for mercy, it has gone too far or it is something we don’t want to do. Our safe word. But Suze also talked about a word to slow something down, to pause what we are doing rather than stop it. We have started to use the word ‘Gwen’ as our slowdown word. Suze uses it to let me know when she is at her limit so that I know not to go beyond that. I would like to use that word with you now.”

“Of course. This makes perfect sense.”

“I want to wear just a coat, and I recognise that it will be different from Suze’s, but can I request that it be above the knee not mid-thigh. I am pretty sure I am going to get there but can we go in stages, mid-thigh is too much for me straight away.”

Suzanne and Andrew hugged Ara again and he could feel the tension flow out of her.

“Thank you for telling me that. Of course you can alter the length of the coat. This is supposed to increase your sexual pleasure not make you a nervous wreck.”

“I know that. It comes back to how I see myself versus how you see me. The whole visual part of your personality. Remember when you asked me to stay topless one day last summer and how it took me a long time to get comfortable with that. It is all related to that. Too many women are only defined by their looks and bodies, and I didn’t want to be that person. I wanted, I want, to make a mark on the world, even in a small way, through my brains. I could never be a model. It was one of the winter conversations with Suzanne that really struck home. You more than anyone else I know are defined by your brain, what you have achieved and how hard you work. But you also model. And it is your impressive body that draws attention. It took me a while to realise, and it is another part of having it all for me. Yes, I want a career; yes, I want and need love from both a man and a woman; yes, I need to regularly dominate someone. But another part is that I can be a sexual woman with the two of you and neither of you will ever define me that way outside our relationship.

“We talked about this Andrew; lady during the day, mistress at night. There are lots of variations of that, princess and whore is another one. So my doubts have receded but haven’t gone away. And I am almost annoyed with myself that I still have them. I mean other parts of our life are the exact opposite.”

Suzanne got there before Andrew.

“Such as.”

“There are three things that immediately come to mind. You are not a controlling person Andrew. You are very accepting of who people are and don’t care about things that aren’t important to you. You have basically ceded control over our house to Suzanne and I. You told us about your desk and the four pieces of art but other than that you let us spend money on the place. You also dealt with the differences in our finances without making it awkward for either Suzanne or me. It will never be perfect, it can’t be as you have all that money. But it isn’t important to you and that makes a huge difference to the two of us. The second thing is related to the third. You are an international male model. We are here in Paris this weekend because of that. And you are with the two of us. Neither of us, even if we wanted to, could model with you. We are both too big. It comes back to the way you treat us, the way we want to be treated. You are never rough with us but you fuck us hard. I remember the famous day when you said my core attracted you, the most utterly random thing I had ever heard. But it is the thing that Suze and I are most similar in. We both have solid hips, bum and thighs and they attract you. And none of the woman that you model with are built like us.

“And the last thing is something that I don’t think you have ever really understood. I don’t think you realise how much you are eyed up by other people. Suzanne and I have both influenced the clothes that you wear and we love to dress you in tight shirts that highlight your body. And when you are out with us it is interesting to see you exhibit really the only sexist behaviour that you have.”

Andrew looked askance.

“When we are out, you are watchful and careful when we are around groups of men. Even couples we see you give men the once over. And it is nothing sexual, it is all that Army training of yours. But it is interesting that you don’t assess the women in the same way. You don’t see them as a potential threat but you are careful with the men. Like I said it is your one sexist behaviour, you don’t see the women as a threat. But because you do that, you don’t see the way you are appraised by them in turn. We both saw it for years when we were out with you, first as a couple and now as a three. You are incredibly unvain. That isn’t a word, lacking in vanity. It is just one more thing, you don’t think you are god’s gift to women. The exact opposite.”

Ara sighed and kissed them both.

“I promise I am nearly done. We have talked before about my dominance and submission as like a seesaw. And even if that is not exactly what is happening it is the mental shorthand that I use. I love you dominating me in a way that feels 100% true and is part of me. It doesn’t change how I feel and want to act with Suzanne. Actually it does but in a positive way. So there may be little hiccups, an odd pothole in the road but I hope I have explained everything. The last four months have been the happiest of my life. I don’t want anything to change. If anything I want a longer higher seesaw. The more you dominate me, push me down, fuck me hard, have me a writhing sweaty mess after endlessly tormenting me, the more I want to punish the naughty woman who will have aided you. I want to punish her, turn her bottom pink and then red and then deep crimson. But then I want to kiss her tears away and show her how much I love her.”

Ara fell off Andrew’s chest she and Suzanne were kissing so frantically. It took quite a while for the emotions of the evening to settle. Suddenly Ara sat up and flipped over to the other side of Suzanne so that she was in the middle.

“On your back, let Suzanne get comfy.”

Once they were all arranged to Ara’s satisfaction she carried on.

“Enough about me. You never told us about your modelling. The model was called Marianne?”

Andrew nodded and walked them through the morning of shopping and strolling in the summer sun before the afternoon and early evening of teasing and semi-striptease, the fantasies that Veronique referred to. Suzanne chuckled as she lay on him.

“I don’t think we can expect any of our fantasies. Can you imagine some of the things that we have done being filmed and shown on TV? Well yes they would be filmed but we know where we would have to go to buy them.”

They laughed at ‘our friend Geert’ and his inappropriate presents. And by inappropriate, they all knew they meant completely illegal in Britain.

“Did she tell you about any of the other fantasies Andrew?”

“No. Tomorrow is Capucine who has turned 40. She was the second lady in the jazz scenes. I think for a lot of Hermès’ customers I am the fantasy. But I was given no idea about what exactly they were going to shoot.”

Ara and Suzanne were silent for a moment before Suzanne looked at Ara.

“What was your fantasy?”

“Sex or romance?”

“Both, either, I don’t care.”

Ara thought.

“It is all the things that I love about Andrew I think. Respect for me, understand I want a career, judge me on my intelligence not just on my looks. We talked about it earlier tonight, that was the piece that I was missing; I could have all that and still be feminine, be loved. And the way Andrew talked that very first night we had sex, well I doubt anything could be more impactful. Maybe the girl that came to Andrew’s bed when he lost his virginity but in terms of sexual impact I doubt it. When I stop and think about it I am living my fantasy. We did say we wanted it all.”

Ara’s contented sigh got her two sets of kisses.

“I am the same, I thought you would be but I wanted to check. But did you not want the big white wedding princess fantasy?”

Ara shook her head.

“I think that fantasy lasted until I was 11 or 12. But then I started to realise that I wasn’t the daughter my mother wanted me to be and it became almost a mental badge of honour to ignore that. I was too worried about finding someone who would let me be myself rather than imagining some mythic big day. What about you Suze?”

“Through most of school I think I did have the whole Princess Di fantasy. But really from the final year at school, so the last five years I suppose, it started to fade. Everything else just made it too complicated. The four months with Phil nearly drove Andrew away and the year after was all about reconnecting. By the end of last year I was way more concerned with everything that I was dealing with in terms of liking both men and women, everything around my submission, all that stuff, that a big white wedding was the least of my worries. When things started between us, during the winter, did the fact that we could not get married impact your thinking?”