Chapter 3: You’re Beautiful, Sara

Teddy swept me of my feet, picked me up in his arms as if I was a feather, carried me to my couch, sat down with me on his lap, held me in his arms. Holding me, cradling my head against his shoulder as I wept tears of bitterness and anguish and misery. Tears of pain and hopelessness. All the tears I hadn’t wept since I was twelve years old and I’d summoned up all my courage and asked Michael Robson to dance with me at the Bible Class Christmas Party and he’d looked at me like I was some weird insect and just laughed and said, “with you?” and turned and walked away, leaving me standing there, crying.

Even my friends from Bible Class, the one place up until then where I’d felt safe from laughter and the making fun of me that happened at school, even they’d joined in the laughter. I’d never forgotten the pain and the total humiliation of that moment. I’d never gone back to Bible Class after that night. I’d never cried since then either, not in public anyhow, but now those years and years of held back tears poured out, on and on as Teddy held me.

He held me the way I’d always wanted someone to hold me and that made the pain, the hurt, the despair, the misery; that made it all even worse. All those years, this was all I’d ever wanted. To be held in someone’s arms and told they liked me. Not even that they loved me, just that they liked me enough to hold me and care for me and no-one ever had.

Not even that jerk, Kevin. He’d held me, but that was just to kiss me and to try and get his hand under my top or under my skirt and when I’d stopped him, he’d let me go. He’d never just held me because he liked to hold me or because he cared for me. Cradled in Teddy’s arms I knew the difference and I cried even harder. Now it was all so clear to me. Kevin hadn’t really loved me at all, not even really liked me, he was just trying it on with me and he’d never cared at all and I’d totally misread his interest in me and knowing that, I began to drown in a sea of unmitigated wretchedness.

“Sara ... Sara...,” Teddy held me, stroked my hair, my head as I soaked his shirt with my tears. “Don’t cry, Sara, he’s not worth your tears.” His arms held me tight, his lips kissed the top of my head. A hand appeared, holding tissues, wiping my face, my eyes, lips kissing the top of my head as his voice whispered, “Sara, you’re not alone, you’ve got me now. Look at me, Sara, look at me.”

A finger under my chin tilted my face up. I looked up, unable to stop crying, the tears pouring down my face.

“You’re beautiful, Sara.” Teddy kissed me, his fingers under my chin, brushing my jaw, brushing my cheek as his lips brushed mine so gently, so delicately.

Stunned disbelief held me frozen as his lips somehow took possession of mine, my mouth opening to him, opening wide for his tongue, feeling his tongue in my mouth, touching mine, flirting and dancing with mine and I was being kissed as I’d never been kissed by Kevin. The only guy who’d ever kissed me before. Teddy’s kiss was magical, an ethereal experience that held me still in his arms, looking up at him, still crying silently as he continued to kiss me.

Why? Why was he kissing me? Did he feel sorry for me? Did he pity me? I couldn’t stand to be pitied. Not by anyone, least of all now by Teddy. But he’d put his arm around me when we’d walked to Bocata. He’d smiled at me. He’d held my hand all the way from Bocata back to my apartment and I’d loved that. Loved my hand held in his, loved his arm around me. He was holding me now, holding me so tight in his arms. Maybe he really did like me? Faint hope warred with the agony of long and bitter experience within me. I wanted him to like me so much. I wanted that more than anything but I was so afraid. Afraid of rejection, afraid of laughter, afraid of disappointment.

Afraid that he didn’t mean it, that he was toying with me. Guys did that, I knew. I’d seen it happen with girls I knew and I couldn’t stand to have that happen to me, not after Kevin’s phone call tonight. Not with Teddy, whom I found so attractive, who’d given me those magical hours earlier this evening when I’d almost forgotten the pain and the humiliation that I’d be facing tomorrow and Christmas Day and the day after. I wanted to remember those magical few hours with Teddy, to treasure them, to hold them safe in my mind, not to have them join that endless series of pain-filled memories and now that he was kissing me, I was so afraid that they would.

He couldn’t possibly like me that much. No-one ever had. Not me. Trembling. I was trembling in his arms, shaking as he kissed me. His mouth lifted from mine, he kissed my forehead, held me tight, stroking my hair back from my face, one finger brushing my tears from my cheeks as I sat there silently weeping, the tears trickling down, too scared to hope for anything. Wanting so much to hope, but too afraid to do so.

“Sara.” His voice was so gentle, his expression unsmiling, tender, concerned, as if he actually cared for me and that scared me even more.

No-one had ever cared for me except for my Mom and Dad and really, I wasn’t sure about my Mom. I wanted to be cared for. I wanted someone to love me and care for me so very much and I’d really believed that Kevin had. I’d so wanted to believe that Kevin had. But Kevin hadn’t cared at all. He’d fooled me and he’d set me up for total humiliation in front of my entire family and that hurt so much. The thought that Teddy might betray me like that, that Teddy might hurt me, I couldn’t stand that. Not on top of what Kevin had done to me, because with Teddy it would be so much worse, so much more agonizing because I knew I really did like Teddy. I liked him a lot.

“Don’t,” I sobbed, “don’t, Teddy. Please don’t tease me. Please don’t make fun of me...” I was crying again now, so hard. Sobbing hopelessly, drawing my knees up, curling up, the pain almost physical in its intensity. “I don’t want to be hurt anymore, Teddy, I don’t ... I can’t take it, not again ... not anymore.”

His hand cupped my cheek, held my face turned towards him. His nose brushed mine, his eyes held me. Beautiful blue eyes. “I’m not teasing you, Sara,” he breathed. “I promise you, I’m not teasing you. You’re the most adorable girl in the world.” And he kissed me again. “I’d never hurt you Sara, I’d never tease you. Nobody’s ever going to hurt you again, Sara. Nobody, Sara, including me. Believe me.”

I wanted to believe him. I wanted to believe that he meant what he said so badly, so much. But I was so scared, so afraid of being hurt yet again. I liked Teddy, I liked Teddy a lot, far more than I’d ever liked Kevin and Kevin had hurt me so much. I tore my lips from his, looked up at him, panicking. “Teddy ... please, Teddy...” I was crying again. “I couldn’t bear it if you lied to me Teddy, I couldn’t.” I gazed up at him, hopelessly. Saw the concern on his face, saw his eyes looking down into mine, sharing my pain.

Anguish. Fear. A faint glimmer of hope. The pain of current and past hopes betrayed warring within me with the unbearable and always unrequited need to be wanted, to be held; to be cherished for being me. My voice fading to a faint hopeless whisper. “Please, Teddy ... please don’t hurt me.”

“I’ll never hurt you, Sara, never. You’ll never be hurt again, I promise you. I’ll take care of you, Sara ... I’d never lie to you ... never.” And he kissed me again, so gently, so tenderly, his lips brushing mine, his arms holding me, giving me the security and the warmth and the caring that I wanted so very much.

Could I believe him? Could I risk this? The pain of discovering he was lying to me would be so agonizing, but here and now, he was giving me the affection and the comfort that I craved. Giving me what’d I’d always wanted and I had no idea whether to believe him or not. But now I hoped, and even having that faint hope betrayed would hurt so much now.

“Sara,” he breathed, his lips lifting for just a moment before returning to caress mine again. With a sob, my lips responded, my mouth opened to his so slowly, a petal unfolding as the sun rose, basking in the golden warmth, in those golden rays of hope. My heart fluttered. Fear. Timid acceptance. Hope. Terror. His tongue slipped into my mouth, teasing, dancing, caressing and now I was kissing him back, my cheeks wet with tears, my eyes welling, still trembling but with a different kind of fear.

His arms held me so carefully, reassuring, strong, offering me security as well as comfort, offering me hope, offering me fear as well. With another sob, I let myself go, abandoning any restraint, kissing him back, my tongue sliding into his mouth timidly, withdrawing as he met me, tasting him, caressing him as he caressed me. On and on, a magical sharing of breath, of each other that brought me hope, hope that he really did like me along with that ever present fear that he was only dallying with me. That this was just another lie.

At last his mouth lifted from mine, his nose brushed mine. He smiled, his fingers brushed my face, my cheek, stroked across my skin so tenderly and the years fell away and I was a little girl again, sitting on my Daddy’s knee, secure and happy that my Daddy loved me, that I was loved and safe and happy, The way I had been when I was a little girl, before the misery of my teenage years began.

“You’re beautiful, Sara,” he breathed. “You just don’t realize it. Whatever you might have looked like at High School or College, you’re beautiful now, Sara.”

He meant it. He really meant it, but I knew he was wrong. I knew everything that was wrong with me. I’d been told so many times over so many years, by so many members of my family, by my Mom, by my Aunts and my cousins, by so many of my classmates, by so many of my friends. Friends I didn’t even like that much but I put up with everything they said to me because I needed someone. Anyone, really. Just so’s I wasn’t all alone.

“Sara, don’t look like that. Believe me.” He smiled into my eyes, warming my soul. A breath of summer warming the winter of pain frozen inside me. “Believe me, Sara. Maybe you weren’t good looking at High School, a lot of teenage girls aren’t, but you are now.” He kissed me again, a quick brush of his lips. “When I saw you at the bar tonight, you took my breath away, sitting there, so poised, so beautiful.” He kissed me again. “A swan in a flock of seagulls, that’s what you reminded me of. A beautiful swan.”