Chapter 5: You Ever Want to Punch a Nun in the Nuts?

The phone rang and I answered, “Light.” I still wasn’t quite used to my new name. It was better than the old one with all the attachments that came with it, but it still didn’t feel like ‘me’ yet.

An older woman spoke, “You’re invited to dinner.” I didn’t recognize the voice and it wasn’t any of the adult women who might call me; Sarah, Amanda, GG, Mindy, or maybe Suzie if she thought I’d change my mind.

“Okay, any specific place, random stranger?”

“I’m Linda Danvers.” I laughed. ‘That’s funny?”

“Only if you don’t have an S on your chest, ma’am.” I briefly wondered if I could convince Beth to name her daughter Carol, before realizing her name would change when she married.

“Dinner. Tonight. We’ll be having roast chicken.”

“Ok, Ma’am? You are aware I’m not courting your daughter, right? Not that I’m opposed to a free meal, but you don’t need to interrogate me for fear of me stealing your daughter’s virtue. Beth and I are friends. Nothing more.”

“John, I was rude the other day. I’d like to offer you a more nearly fair chance to get to know the family.”

More nearly fair? Definitely an English teacher.

“Okay, Ma’am. What time?”

“Dinner is at 630.”

“It’s after that now.”

“1830 then.”

“Yes, ma’am. I’ll be there.”

I grabbed my favorite blue button down and a pair of black jeans and dressed about 1800 hours. Then I slipped down the street towards Beth’s home. I knocked and Deirdre answered. She was formally dressed; a navy-blue knee-length skirt with a teal blouse and those blue eyes that separated her from Beth so egregiously.

“Beth, your weird boyfriend is here again. Why are you here again?”

“I was invited by Supergirl. Knee length is a good idea Deirdre of the sorrows. Won’t have to worry as much if something pops up.”

“Like what? Oh, you mean like the steam tunnel thing from that movie Beth watches?”

I chuckled, “No, but that’s a good one. May I enter?”

“Were you invited?”

“I already told you Supergirl invited me. You may know her as ‘Mom.”

She stepped aside and I entered. The Man Mountain was sitting in a chair. “Hey, John. My wife said you’d be joining us.”

“Yes, sir. I’m curious what accusations I’ll get today. Gang member, drug addict, and cannibal were good tries. I did assassinate the Archduke Ferdinand and some dude in Dallas in a convertible so that would be a good place to start.”

“Go ahead and have a seat. Hopefully this will be less confrontational.”

“That would be preferred, sir.”

“I think I asked you to call me, David.”

“I’ll try.”

I made small talk as best I could, but David tended to focus on sports (and not the one I enjoyed watching), politics (which I tried to avoid), and his time in the military. My opinion on the military wasn’t great. I’d watched them cover over my father’s crimes way too many times to hold them in any high regard.

Beth rounded the corner, “Doz? What are you doing here?”

“Oh, no worries, Darling. Your mom just wanted another water boarding session.”

I hadn’t noticed Linda stepping out of the kitchen, “Dinner will be ready in a moment. What is with the nicknames?”

“Darling? Just fits her. Don’t know why. Doz is short for Dozen.”

Linda jumped on that, “And why do they call you Dozen?”

Beth’s look of terror was amusing, “They don’t, she does. Something about my reading habits; a dozen books covering a long weekend or something like that.”

Dinner was surprisingly pleasant. Deirdre seemed more comfortable and willing to join the discussion when she wasn’t on a script. Linda turned out to be a decent human being in spite of our first dinner for which she gave a legitimate apology. David ... the man mountain was an interesting man. I could tell above all he loved his daughters and his wife. He seemed like ... a good father. I’d never truly seen one before. Deputy Davis seemed okay, but our interactions were minimal and stilted. The casualness of how he showed an interest in Deirdre and Beth’s lives was something I kept replaying in my head.

He knew about Beth’s college plans, dance stuff, even what books she was reading. The idea of Beth going into social work as a profession was odd to me, considering what she’d been like when I met her. Deirdre wanting to be a teacher seemed more on point. I had to fight the urge to ask some questions about Deirdre’s daily struggles, because I wasn’t sure I wanted Linda to be aware that I was in on the secret and I wasn’t sure what would be considered rude.

I suspected meddling when a keyboard got brought out after dinner. Linda set it up in the living room, “Beth said you could play the piano.”

“A bit.”

“Can you play Billy Joel?”

“Do you have the music?”

“No.”

“A CD then? I can try and play it by ear, though I might screw it up.”

That she had. I noticed Beth was keeping David busy in the kitchen, “Is this about your husband?”

She laughed, “You are perceptive. His birthday is coming up and he’s a fan.”

“And you want me to play a song?”

“A specific one.”

She handed me the cd and I grabbed my discman out of my bag, “Which track?”

“Three.”

I ended up listening to ‘The Longest Time.’ I listened to it three times before I tried the melody on the keyboard. The irony of translating an acapella song to the preferred instrument of the songwriter who’d chosen not to use it was lost on me at the time.

Once, David recognized the melody (or my attempt at it), he came round the corner and began to sing along. I could hear him just a bit off key over the cd as it played in my ears, so I tried to harmonize with him while playing. I noticed Linda had produced a video camera and was recording the weird duet.

After that, David was presented with concert tickets for that November as an early and belated birthday present. I managed to beg off and head for Robert’s.

A few days later:

The next really interesting thing that happened was on a Wednesday. I’d ended up at Stacy’s house. While enjoying Jill, my eye locked with another. This one was in Stacy’s bedroom door. I asked Stacy for a post it and Jill gave me one out of her bag. I then went to use the bathroom. I attached the note directly below the peephole drilled into the door. It read, “Roberta, if I catch you watching again, I’ll insist on trying you too. JL”

Later that Wednesday:

I was sitting on the couch in Scott’s new room waiting on my turn with the controlled. He didn’t make the jump and ended up ass skipping on lava till he died, “Fuck, it makes me want to punch a nun in the nuts.”

“Your knowledge of human anatomy amazes me.”

“Asshole, remember we switch back on death or stage clear.”

“Yeah, fine. I’ll show you how to beat the giant bull bomb thing.”

He handed me the controller and I got to work. After I’d beaten the mini-boss his tone shifted, “Daniel, got roughed up yesterday.”

“Daniel got roughed up?”

“Yeah, Dragons.”

“I thought we were done with them.”

“He told me they know it was us, so I doubt they’re done.”

“What about going to that boystown or whatever it is that the grandmother threatened me with when I didn’t show up to dinner on time?”

“Still has to be a trial and I think they got time to fall on the sword. He was the youngest, so if he gets the hit there was no chance of serving real time.”

“Well, tell him to stay clear of them for now. If it comes to it we’ll deal with them, but I seek no wider war.”

“That’s a weird way to phrase it.”

“Says the guy that said he wanted to punch a nun in the nuts.”

“Seriously?”

“Ask Beth to explain it to you.”

“She’s still pissed at me over Summer, Wait, Don’t jump in there!”

“The clue says, “Inside the volcano.”

“Fuck, you’re right.”

“I usually am.”

Thursday:

When I went to Sarah’s for our Jazz Thursday session, I found out why Alex and Beth hadn’t been to school for a couple days and why I’d slept alone the night before. All three of them had the flu. I spent a few hours playing nursemaid and ended up crashing on the couch.

I skipped Friday to take care of the three girls. On Saturday, they asked for soup, and I found Sarah’s kitchen lacking. As such, I ended up sitting in Amanda’s car. It was an upper end sedan, brand new. With what her salary was and military pay, I doubted she could actually afford the lease payments.

She hissed, “Why am I doing this?”

“Because I asked you to Amanda.”

“Couldn’t we just go back to my place?”

“No.”

“I shouldn’t have to run your little errands. I’m not your girlfriend.”

“No. You’re my slut and if you want me to fuck you again, you’ll do this.”

“Yeah, like that benefits me.”

“You’re welcome to quit being fucked by me at any time, but if that’s not good enough, I’ll owe you one.”

“Deal.”

“I’ll be back in ten.”

I exited the sedan and went into the market. I quickly gathered the items on my list and checked out and returned to the car. “Now can we have some fun?”

“No, now you need to drop me back at Sarah’s so I can take care of the girls.”

“What the hell is in those bags?”

“Groceries; tomatoes, garlic, bread, cheese. I also got some chicken, carrots, potatoes, and noodles in case it persists. Basically, have enough for five days of different soups and sandwiche0s.”

“Why?”

“They asked for soup for lunch and Sarah didn’t have any tomatoes.”

“She didn’t have a can? They didn’t sell cans?”

“An old woman would rise from the grave and smack me if I served tinned soup to a sick girl.”

“And you didn’t call one of your other little friends because?”

“Scott and Daniel went Hunting. Lis is visiting a cousin in Alabama, I couldn’t get an answer from Jill, Stacy said they were ‘busy’, Tracy and Mon can’t drive, and Beth, Alex, and Sarah are the ones who are sick.”

“So, you called me as a last resort?”

“No, I hadn’t called my aunt or that thing that pretends to be my mother.”

“So, I’m one step above them in your eyes?”

“I won’t ask you for a favor again. Don’t worry about it.”

Her face shifted, equal parts hurt and annoyed, “You can ask me.”

She doesn’t want to do it, but she wants to be asked first. Fuck, she makes no sense.

“No, I made a mistake. I assumed there was more to our relationship than my dick, but I was wrong apparently.”

It took the girls another two days to recover, during most of which I wondered what the hell I was doing with Amanda to begin with.

A week later:

I was on babysitting duty with Lis. Watching Melody wasn’t exactly a difficult task; a board game, holding a doll while following her instructions, I ixnayed the tea party and gave her actual tea, and trying to keep Lis from getting mad at her.

After she was put to bed, I ended up sitting in the kitchen with Mrs. Davis.

I was hesitant, but I had to know, “Can I ask you a question, ma’am?”

“I suppose.”

“Why are you okay with this?”

“Pardon?”

“Your punishment for me sleeping with your daughter was to make me sleep with your daughter.”

“Punishment? I thought I was doing you a favor.”

“I suppose so, Mrs. Davis.”

I thought it was over, but a minute later her tone took on the arsenic tone again, “You’re not the type she needs.”

“Ok?”

“She thinks she wants you, because you don’t care about her mistakes, because you care about her, and judging from the noise are pretty good in bed. But long term she needs someone that will love her for her unconditionally, immutably, and exclusively. That’ll never be you.”

“Speaking from experience?”

I could tell she didn’t expect that question. She needed a moment to compose a response, “My husband was in my life for years before I looked away from the bad boys to him. She’ll have that moment. I hope this’ll speed things up.”

“Ok.”

“You’re not going to argue?”

“I wanted to understand your motivation. I don’t have to agree with it. I ... I know as long as Lis wants more from me than I’m able to give her, she’ll leave my life eventually. It’s not something I want to happen. I care about her. I like her, but I want her to be happy ... and chances are I’m not the person that will make her that way. But I don’t think of myself as a ‘bad boy.’ I try my best to do the right thing.”

“And how many girls or women are you banging at the moment.”

“Everything and everyone I do is consensual and with the knowledge and participation of everyone else. Lis knows I’m involved with other people, even if she doesn’t know all the names. I know Lis is involved with other people, even if I don’t know all the names. I don’t lie. I don’t cheat. I don’t steal. I don’t do drugs or drink. Most of the time I stay on guard when the others do to make sure nothing bad happens. I don’t commit vandalism. I may sneak out and I may get around, but I’m not a hoodlum. I’m not a bad boy. I’m just a lucky bastard. And for the record, I never intended to have sex. I was saving myself for someone so to speak, but something happened and then I decided the boat was already wet so I might as well learn to sail. When I do find ‘the one’ hopefully they’ll appreciate it.”