Chapter 19: It’s not mad, it’s logical

I awoke Monday morning in the attic room. I’d fully adjusted to my room at Robert’s house, but I was still more comfortable in the attic with the terrible looking white painted furniture. Stacy and Jill had hit it off with Moonchild and Sally Cinnamon to the point where I felt like a fifth wheel at times. There was fun to be had by all, but I found myself retreating to the piano or the attic room. I even read a book in the room under the stairs. I still wasn’t able to sleep with any of the four, so I’d ended up alone in the attic with them taking over Mindy’s room.

I’d been a bit worried about GG, but she had sequential dates with whomever her new Beau was. The Grandmother on the other hand seemed thrilled at the extra mouths to feed. I showered and dressed quickly, waking the party as quietly as I could. The grandmother has breakfast served and goodbyes were said on the raised walk. It wasn’t the last time I saw Sally or Moonchild, but it was the last big event. With Mindy Married and at Law School her connection with them had faded and mine was primarily through her. They were her friends, not truly mine.

Jill drove us to school in her truck. That had Stacy sitting on my knee as it was marginally more comfortable than being squeezed between Jill and I. I had a mission today. I had to deal with Amanda. As such I borrowed the checkbook for the cheerleaders that normally Jill carried as ‘treasurer.’ I needed Amanda’s signature (as the staff supervisor) for the hotel and entrance fees for the competition. We’d planned a short excursion afterwards, but that would be out of pocket.

I ditched my morning classes and hung out in the library, giving the well-worn copy of the collected works of Byron another read. When we got to the last period before lunch, I waited about twenty minutes and headed up to the band room.

I interrupted some music class, “Can I get your signature, Mrs. Crane?”

She would’ve leveled many men with the glare that followed. She seethed, “We’ll speak after class.”

I could hear some snickering in the back of the room. I stepped into her office and took the time to open the shades before sitting on the couch. I wanted an audience to help keep things civil and this was the best way for me to guarantee one. I glanced briefly at the two checks and noticed how terrible my scrawlings looked compared to the carbon of Jill’s cursive.

I wonder if my writing is more legible with the other hand? I’ll have to compare someday.

When the toddler tapped the turtle, my eyes were immediately drawn to her. I watched as she tried to maintain composure despite the obvious anger as the students filed out. A few lingered (all according to plan) and eventually she stood and gathered her materials before turning and gliding towards the office. The door opened and shut just as quickly followed by a 90 decibel, “How fucking dare you!” that I assumed would’ve been 130 decibels if we didn’t have an audience. She marched around the desk managing to run her oversized heels across the toe of my boot which caused her to stumble before sitting down.

“Now, what did you fucking want?”

I handed her the checks, “Start with the business and then we’ll come to the personal.”

She practically spat, “Should I accompany you on this little trip? Make sure you’re not up to no good with all those girls?”

“Just sign them. We’re at a point of M.A.D.”

“Of course, I’m mad. You disrespected me and more importantly someone might realize you’re getting special treatment because you’re not in the principal’s office.”

She signed with two quick swivels of pink and I wondered if the bank would have qualms about the use of a glitter pen. I leaned forward and grabbed the checks as soon as they were singed and tossed them into my pack. I took a deep breath, “Other use of M.A.D. Mutually assured destruction. This isn’t fun anymore.”

“Not fun? What the fuck are you talking about?”

I focused on the bridge of her nose as I continued, “All we do is fight for control, outright argue, or roll around. I tried to see if there was something more between us and there isn’t. So, that part is over.”

“Really? You think that you dump me? I can expose your antics in the auditorium at any time I want. You don’t get to do that!”

“Which is where the mutually assured destruction comes in. You could turn us in and get us expelled. Fail Scott and Lis since they’re in your class. But I have quite a lot of evidence of what we’ve done the past year. Video, Pictures, a few notes. I can send you packing the same way I did the last band teacher, but it doesn’t benefit either of us. You could ruin my life and the lives of my friends. I could ruin yours.”

I watched the anger still a bit. It was still there, but she pushed it down. That was a skill I needed to learn, “So, we just quit.”

“Pretty much. I’m not opposed to the occasional office visit, but this is just not fun anymore.”

“If I agree to this can I get that tape back?”

“No, but I’ll give you my word it’ll never see the light of the day assuming you stay away from the cheerleaders and sign whatever Tracy or Jill ask you too till Tracy graduates. After that I don’t care what happens.”

The conversation didn’t end there. It lasted through the lunch period and involved some mutual sniping, but the path was clear. The next time the toddler tapped the turtle I stood and left. I still wasn’t planning on attending class today (I was in far from the right mood), but as I exited the band room I saw Beth hopping into her car on the senior street. I walked out the side exit and flagged her down before she could pull out.

She just rolled down the window and said, “Get in.”

I obliged, “Where we headed?”

“Hospital. Dad called. Scott was in a wreck.”

“How did you dad know that?”

I could feel the eyeroll, “Scott’s Dad, my dad, and your ... Stepdad? They all work together at the plant. He overheard when they called Scott’s dad from the hospital and figured I’d want to know.”

“Gotcha.”

“How did you not know that?”

It didn’t really affect me, so I didn’t really pay attention to it.

Things were quiet on the way to the nearest hospital. It actually wasn’t that far, twenty minutes and across a couple of bridges, which was nothing when a trip to the movies was 90 minutes each way.

We arrived, Beth parked on the street, and everyone crowded into the ER. Suzie, a man I assumed was her husband, Daniel, and Alex were sitting in a corner. I wasn’t used to hospitals then (that came much later) and wasn’t really sure how to offer any comfort. Instead, I took orders and ran to the cafeteria and found a vending machine alcove and came back loaded with food and beverages for everyone.

I noticed the seats had been moved about while I was gone. Alex and Beth took up the corner itself with Beth comforting her. Their friendship had been entirely my fault. Alex was my friend and I’d made it a mission to ensure Beth ate at least one meal a day and that forced them to spend time together. From there Alex had gotten close with Lis and I knew she spent time with the rest of the squad.

Right then, I was mostly glad Beth could comfort Alex as I didn’t think I was capable of doing it right then. I’d never been entirely comfortable with other people’s emotions (or my own to be honest) and I was always afraid of saying the wrong thing. Alex’s personality and mine coalesced enough that I could’ve made a few jokes or turned the conversation into the absurd, but Suzie, the husband, and Daniel might not understand that was how I coped with honestly any emotion that made me uncomfortable.

I did my best not to catch the husband’s eye or gander at the glasses hanging from Suzie’s neck showing off the hills below. Danny seemed off, but not in an ‘I’m worried about my brother way.” Other than that, things weren’t still in terms of motion, but were still in terms of progression. The same people paced around the room. The same conversations and small talk happened. It was just the same things repeated and that wasn’t really enough to occupy my brain, so it gave way to a deluge of thoughts as I processed the year that had come before.

I had repeated the same mistakes I’d made last year, only I’d made them worse. I let myself get too involved with an older woman thinking I was in control. I’d let my hubris decide that I could take out the local ne’er do wells without anything coming back on me. I wouldn’t have changed my decision. I still thought the systematic elimination was the right decision, but I was too prideful to prepare for the inevitable blowback.

I wasn’t sure my friendship with Alex would ever truly be the same, because it took me far too long to get over myself and my feelings. Regardless of being in love with her, I had no say in her decisions. I knew I had to move on completely, but still wasn’t sure how. The main possibilities for romantic pursuit were Lis, Beth, Tracy, Erin, and Sarah.

Sarah was almost certainly out. Even if she seemed potentially receptive at times, it would damage my friendship with Alex even more, and the only difference between that and my mistakes with Suzie and Amanda was that I did love Sarah. I tried to force the thought from my mind.

Erin was out as well. We may have been intellectually compatible, but her family ties meant complications I didn’t want and we really didn’t spend that much time together.

My thoughts on Beth were muddled. I wasn’t exactly sure when I’d started thinking of her as a romantic possibility when she’d spent so much time in my head as “Scott’s girl.” The truth was I had no idea what was even going on with her at the time. She ran hot and cold. She’d seen bits of me I’d managed to avoid showing others and that made me uncomfortable. I had so many questions about her. I knew she’d experienced something traumatic, the eating disorder seemed too all-but-guarantee that. Her family on the other hand seemed normal and loving. That was a puzzle for another day. I put her in the ‘no’ column.

Lis ... I didn’t want to lead Lis on. So, that was a quick ‘no’ too.

Tracy on the other hand had a weird way of working her way through my defenses, but I knew that would cause problems with Lis too. I put her in a new column, “Try again at a later date.”

After realizing the dearth of possibilities my mind moved onto a subject I’d been avoiding for a long time, Scott. I was concerned for his well-being at the moment, but I’d been the one that put him in the hospital a few months prior. My reaction to his admittedly terrible words was instinctive. I didn’t have a problem with having hit him. I didn’t even have a problem with sending him to hospital. I had a problem with me.

The truth is if Lis and Amanda hadn’t pulled me off him, I wouldn’t have stopped. I would’ve kept running my fist into his skull till it was pulp. At first my anger distracted me from the truth, but now I had to face the simple fact that I was more than capable of killing someone I considered a friend. I was capable of the same kind of violence as my father.

At that point I finally gained a distraction, Daniel stood and meandered towards the bathroom. I watched him and his gait was off. He was favoring his left side. I stood and followed him. I couldn’t go into the bathroom as it was one person only, but I waited and asked him to take a walk. He nodded. We exited the ER doors passing Alex and his parents and then turned right to enter the hospital’s first floor. We’d made it a reasonable safe distance when he finally asked, “What’s up?”

I jabbed him on the right side and he uttered a guttural howl.

“You were in the car.”

He stood and looked around and answered me, “Look, it wasn’t a big deal.”

“Tell me what happened.”

He held his breath for a minute (which I knew was to keep the pain from breathing in a way for a brief moment.) Eventually he answered with an even tone, “Scott and I were going to ditch and run up the mountain. We were joking around, and I guess I jabbed him too hard. He got mad and started to floor it. I dove out of the car. Saw him wreck, then I got to a payphone and called the law. Then headed home.”

My other offered, “The alligator lies and waits.”

“Tell your folks the truth.”

“Mom’ll be pissed. I’ve already blown off too many days. She’s gotten phone calls about it.”

“Suzie’ll be happy as long as Scott is okay. You need checked out. You’ve got at least a couple of broken ribs and you’re walking funny.” I could tell he was contemplating things, so I offered a bit of steel, “Either you tell them, or I will.”