Foreword

“I’d rather see an overweight, toothless grandmother being fucked hard by an enthusiastic dog and loving it than see the most beautiful supermodel in the world fake it with a disinterested beast. There is nothing that compares to a couple, woman and beast, who are both seriously engaged in the idea of fucking each other.” – Luke Ozvik, 2019

In the aftermath of Brexit, the British government had so many legal issues to resolve, and so many laws to disentangle, that it was inevitable that some loopholes would open up. We spotted one of them, and it was to be a goldmine for us.

We found ourselves with the laws sitting in such a way that there was considerable leeway for shows to be defined as ‘educational material’, and the way they defined the laws regarding bestiality meant that whilst it was illegal to have sex with an animal, it was apparently legal for an animal to have sex with you. Furthermore, whilst it was legal to record yourself doing anything that was legal in the privacy of your own home, it was considered to be illegal to sell that material, but – there was still a question as to whether it was legal to share recorded consensual acts with friends. However, if one could demonstrate that these recordings were educational, rather than pornographic, then an area of confusion would open up, and this created some wonderful opportunities for us.

Meanwhile, the broadcasters we produced shows for were all seeking increasingly titillating and scandalous output. They wanted sex, and they wanted controversy.

We had already successfully pitched our shows, “I Wanna Be A Pornstar” (in which we followed 4 young ladies from around the United Kingdom as they set off together for California to get into the adult entertainment industry), and then the even bigger success that was our show, “Gay For Pay”, in which straight members of a studio audience were encouraged to perform homosexual acts in return for cash prizes. People were appalled. They claimed they our shows were disgusting. They kept watching.

We pitched our latest idea for a joke. Even in this strange environment we didn’t think the network would go for it.

The new concept was to find women who wanted to have sex with animals, interview them to find out why, and then give them the opportunity to have sex with a trained animal. We’d record them in the act, then we’d interview them again afterwards to see how the experience was. We pitched that we could get by on the educational angle as we were going deep into the psychology of these women, who they were, why they wanted to do this, what it would mean to them, etc.

The network buyers loved the idea. They were keen to pick it up, and they had a few suggestions of their own. They wanted the women on the show to be presentable. They didn’t have to be beauty queens, but we were expected to avoid what one executive described as “distractingly unattractive types”. One could ask what kind of viewer they thought would tune in to watch a show about bestiality, only to turn-off if they saw an unattractive woman.

They wanted to call it “The United Kingdom of Zoo”, and they wanted to ensure that we covered the whole country. Geographically and demographically. Old and young. Black and white. Married and single. Fat and thin. All religions, all sexualities. All points between.