Chapter 6

All the talk about different jobs distracted them on the journey to the Rai’s house. Despite it being early afternoon both of Navya’s parents were there when Andrew parked the car and helped them with their bags. He tried to escape but Navya insisted he stay for a cup of tea; he thought it was pure safety in numbers. It would have been nice to chat to her parents, even gently tease them in Hindi but he sensed it would go over badly so for once Andrew thought before he spoke. After a hurried cup of tea he left them to it and headed down the road to Jim and Freya’s flat. As always, Andrew started dinner and was sitting at the kitchen table mapping out his break and figuring out a study schedule when Freya arrived home.

“I could smell dinner even before I opened the front door, it is good to see you.”

She hurried through to their room and was back a few minutes later changed out of her work suit.

“Jim has an evening meeting and is having dinner with Norman at the club afterwards. He will be home late, so it is just us tonight.”

They got the easy chitchat out of the way while he plated dinner. Andrew told Freya about dropping Navya and Matt off at her parents before getting there.

“So what are the plans. Leslie and Julian are here tomorrow night?”

“Yes, thank you. They will be here just after you leave for work. Once they are cleaned up then it is over to Lincoln’s Inn Field for lunch and a research update with Dr. Bodmer. They would like to take you and Jim out to dinner on either Friday or Saturday night. They are flying this time and will leave with me at lunchtime on Sunday.”

“They are flying down tomorrow?”

“Yes, first flight.”

Freya nodded before changing topics.

“So, how are you? What have you been up to in the last month?”

“I had a meeting with Onchett last Saturday.”

Freya’s gaze darkened.

“Last Saturday?”

“Yes.”

“Are you able to talk about it?”

“Yes, I asked specifically. It went two ways. My tutor acts as a, what would you call it, a scout? Talent spotter? I don’t know but anyway I was pointed out to them. In the meantime he had reviewed my vetting forms and had already decided to approach me. There wasn’t much of a sell job to be honest. He called it unglamorous, I remember he said it could be distasteful. The three things I asked were about talking to you about this and whether the Ministry knew he was approaching on behalf of his parent organisation. I then asked him if he knew about the outcome of this summer when the whole BSSO thing fell through. He knew about BRIXMIS but not the last two weeks. I told him it made things complicated. That is pretty well it.”

“How do you feel about everything?”

“All over the place. My tutor setting the meeting up in his office surprised me and I think that got me flustered at the start. But it all comes back to me not having a clue as to whether this is the right thing for me. I could have taken his approach as a real compliment, being really pleased at the opportunity and reached out to grab it with both hands. Instead I am full of doubt, and the fact that I am full of doubt is probably a sign in and of itself. Oh there was one other thing, I asked if his approach precluded me from applying anywhere else and he said no. I thought about that during the week as well. They are not the only organisation involved in this world.”

Freya thought for a moment.

“Maybe the most important thing is your feeling of doubt. Him specifically or more generally?”

“I have no idea. He didn’t do anything other than make an approach. Maybe he felt they needed to present a more positive image to me, I don’t know. I am to apply in February as normal and will not be interviewed early, so May like all the other candidates even although I have clearance already. You know that I have been struggling with this. I did not apply to any of the large engineering firms. I had decided that this was going to be my primary focus with my own engineering firm as my alternative. But I was unhappy with the initial interview back in May or June for the summer job with the BSSO. There was such an air of politicking, palace intrigue to the whole thing, that I think it has resurfaced now. And the reason that I alluded to the summer is how to deal with supplying software, potentially, to the Ministry of Defence. The whole thing is a mess.”

Freya stood and cleared the table, using the mundane actions as an excuse to think.

“Can you open some wine please.”

After opening the wine Andrew helped her load the dishwasher and clean up the kitchen before they sat back down and sipped their wine.

“Only you can know what is right for you, and decide if this is something that you want to do. There will be an interview process as you said. You have other choices, including just deciding that this whole world is not for you. Apply within the Ministry, and other places as well if that is what you want. That you are having reservations is something that you should not ignore. Your concerns about the software are well founded.”

She sighed and took another drink of her wine.

“What you suggested the last time you were down, the Open University OTC, is being seriously considered. The points you raised about security of premises were good. There are other benefits as well. I know that everyone is very keen to get the software as soon as possible. This may allow things to proceed. It was a good idea, not surprising since it came from you. But if everything moves ahead it will be a complication if you were to be offered a job, not insurmountable but a complication.”

Freya patted his hand.

“It all comes down to your comfort level with the field and then the organisation within it. I think after my heavy handed interference at the start of the year that I should stay quiet. You need to do what feels right for you. There is no harm in applying but come May you will need to be sure in your mind that this is something that you want to do. It will stand out loud and clear in an interview.”

And that was the heart of it. When Andrew had interviewed at University College and Imperial in London, it had not clicked with him, partly because of the way they treated him, but it did not feel right. When he got to Cambridge it was the exact opposite. He knew that Trinity College was the place for him and had loved every minute of it. So far he was not getting the that sense of wanting to belong, any kind of positive vibe. However many people he asked, how many opinions he solicited, it came down to Andrew himself, and his own sense of belonging, and wanting to belong.

“Is there a process for the Ministry of Defence?”

“Just complete a standard Civil Service application. Your CV should list that you worked as a summer student all three summers but make no reference to any details. Then in your cover letter explain that Brigadier Larkin will be able to provide relevant and appropriate detail. Would you like me to bring an application form home tomorrow?”

“Yes please. What about MI6?”

“The Secret Intelligence Service is housed under the Foreign and Commonwealth Office, although it does not report to the Foreign Secretary. Same application, same cover letter just amended for the details of them being a different Ministry.”

Andrew nodded his thanks.

“If you could bring two forms home tomorrow then I will get them completed over the break. I will show you the forms and cover letters when I am down in January. If you think they are good then I will submit them.”

“The next four or five months are important Andrew, you don’t need me to tell you that. You need to go for a long walk and talk with Leslie on Saturday so that you can go through all this with her. You have talked many times about the week in hospital where the very first plan came together. You have followed that plan for almost eight years. But you have come to the end of it, at least where your future career is concerned. There was career, education, making a difference, fitness, balance and karma, is that right?”

Andrew smiled as even Freya was able to recite them off the top of her head.

“Yes, that’s right.”

“Education in the sense of formal education is nearly done, although given your mind I suspect you will always be intellectually curious, in some fashion. The last three are a way to live your life, ingrained in it, physically, mentally and emotionally. We will not endlessly go over how you have made a difference but it too is ingrained in you. On a different scale and in a different way, but you are still going to want to make a difference somehow. So of that amazing plan from eight years ago, five of them are still relevant, or will be easily adapted to this stage of your life. So the easiest goal all these years ago, lying there in a cancer ward aged only 13, your future career, has finally arrived like a fist in the face. You have spoken about next summer as if it is this great threshold, and in so many ways it is. But part of what will help you figure this out is thinking about this time next year. What is your weekly life like? You had a structure at school, you have created a different structure but a structure nonetheless at university. How do you envision your life, the structure round it, this time next year? Not next summer but after you have started working. Are you going to volunteer? What will be your TA commitments? Are you going to return to hobbies or pastimes of your youth, music, photography? Are you going to do some coding, either with Julian or for yourself? And who are you going to have in your life when you do it?”

Andrew could have got very drunk that night but instead there was only one thing that he could do. With apologies to Freya, which she waved away with a smile, he headed over to Marshall Street and swam. His pace wasn’t slow so much as glacial. Freya had given him the kick in the head he needed. Rather than focusing on the job, worrying that he was picking the right career, whether he would fit in, adapt to the environment, she had him thinking about his life. His physical pace might have been slow but mentally Andrew was fizzing along. What was important to him?

Running at Green Park in the morning and swimming there at Marshall Street either in the morning or after work slotted into place without a moment’s hesitation. The Territorial Army was important in a way that he had never been able to fully explain other than it seemed the right thing to do. There were elements of making a difference, even some karmic aspects to it but since very early on at the CCF, still a young teenager, Andrew had decided he was going to serve. So that would be part of the new, post university structure. Volunteering was an unknown. Working as a volunteer in a ward had started very brightly but been on a long slow descent for many months and years. An organisation like the Cancer Society or something similar seemed a better way to invest his time. His original involvement, his original desire, had all been about being an inspiration to patients. That had been very variable so maybe the way to volunteer going forward was with those who had survived treatment. Andrew knew there were many organisations that provided support both to patients and those undergoing treatment but also after treatment. As with their giving money to the Imperial Cancer Research Fund he didn’t need to reinvent anything. By investigating several support organisations he was sure he would find one where there was a match. Andrew knew in his heart that this was the right way for him to continue. He would see out his time at Addenbrooke’s but would not continue at Great Ormond Street or Guy’s when he moved to London.

Moving to London also was part of that long evening swim. The house had loomed large as the year progressed. In May Andrew had been excited to finally get possession, the whole BSSO debacle had annoyed him partly because it meant that he was not able to spend the summer in the house, and yet by the end of the summer, even with the limited time he had stayed in it, he was questioning whether it made any sense for him to pretend to live in it. It seemed big and he would rattle around in it on his own. But these thoughts led to the one area that he had not spoken to anyone about. Not Freya, not Leslie, not Maggie or Tony, none of his friends at Cambridge. What was going to happen with Ara and Suzanne? Where was Suzanne going to apply for jobs? Scotland, either west coast or east coast, down there in London, or somewhere else completely. Every time he returned to Scotland there was a joy to see her, it was a physiological thing. But right before he saw her for the first time there was also fear in Andrew’s heart that she would look at him and he would know that she had found what she was looking for, what she needed. And his head said he would be pleased for her, her happiness was important to him, but his heart was a mess. Andrew couldn’t forget the day, he would never forget the day, when she said he wasn’t enough. And sure they had walked it back, and continued exploring her needs but it wasn’t enough. She knew it, he knew it, and she knew he knew it. The right thing to do with Suzanne would have been to use that catastrophic break back in Easter of 2^nd year as the point where they changed their relationship. Instead they made it worse, so much worse. And not being content to deal with just that fucked up situation there was also Ara.

Suzanne was brilliant, independent, and making a difference in her own way. She earned her position as a Trustee of the Endowment Trust. Her thoughts on human’s impact on the environment were changing how businesses were planning, being set up, and through the Trust, whether they were being funded. Just as when they started the Trust it was small scale but she was changing perceptions. Ara was equally brilliant and equally determined to make her mark. She wanted to make her mark in the most screwed up place on the planet, the Middle East. Andrew knew that she would have a career for life dealing with that impossible situation. Ara was also much more open in her concerns about being somebody’s wife or partner. She wanted to define herself, even when she didn’t know what that was. Andrew’s fears with Ara, particularly when he was at school, were all to do with her family, her mother. For Ara and him to be a couple Ara would have to deal with her family. He didn’t see that happening and so had walked away from her. Andrew had done to Ara what he had not, and was not, doing with Suzanne. But when they reconnected it had all changed. Ara had called out to him from across the street. If the situation was reversed and Andrew had spotted her first he didn’t know that he would have shouted out. But regardless they had rebuilt their friendship and relationship. And Ara hadn’t dealt with her family for him, she had dealt with her mother for herself. She was driven and after their talks in Istanbul he wasn’t sure that Ara saw her future with a man, at least at present. It struck him that night that Ara was starting to lean towards a relationship like Meredith or Catherine. She had said that she wanted a friend, the support, and enjoyed the sex. Ara was going to apply for positions in London but Andrew had no idea if once she had been awarded her doctorate whether their relationship would advance or slip back into something less substantial.

The last thing he thought about was the point that Mhairi had counselled him on three years earlier when she came down to Cambridge that one evening. What did balance look like for him when he had no exams to study for? And that nexus of career, education and balance seemed key in some way that he couldn’t quite explain. This was the great thing about what Freya had said. What did a Thursday night in early December 1987 look like? What was his life? And rather than figure out how to fill the evenings up so that he was busy Andrew needed to start to wean himself off studying the whole time. He could have given up heroin easier by that point. For the last seven years he had managed his time very carefully so that he could cram everything into his life. Open University while at school; and staying on top of the course material at Cambridge. Arriving home to a large house with nothing to do was not something that he was able to fathom. He knew that he would go crazy, and quickly. Now he loved going to see live music and was still passable at the Double Bass so music was an easy fix for his free time. Thinking about the house, the basement bedroom could easily be converted into a darkroom, even a small studio, so continuing to work on his photography was also an easy option. It was one of the things that he needed to start talking to Maggie and Tony about. How was the EPIC Partnership going to continue when they were in Fife and he was in London? Putting that aside, mentally, Andrew thought what else he would do with his life after university. He liked learning, he liked to sit at a desk and solve things; be they problems, equations or code. And that night he remembered the satisfaction that he got from creating things as well. The anticipation and then the delight when something complied correctly. Suddenly the evenings did not loom so large. He had an empty shell of an engineering company, his friend had a computer company and he was the biggest nerd ever. What was he worried about?