Chapter 9: Nuclear War

As winter neared, half of the squadron went to Japan to fly out of Misawa. While they were gone, the squadron loaded up live ordnance on several aircraft and let a few junior pilots do some live drops. Roxie got to see how picky Wedge was when he did the post load inspection on every bomb that was going to fly. It wasn’t hard, there were just two bombs on each airplane, but Wedge went over them like the Inspector General would be the next man to touch those bombs. The Mark-84 bombs were huge green devices. Each bomb weighed 2,000 pounds, and it was amazing that a little plane like the F-16 could lift them with ease. As a young airman, Wedge loaded many Mark-84 bombs, so he was very familiar with them.

The planes took off at 7:30 AM, which meant that Wedge’s day started at 4:00 AM because he spends a lot of time on the pre-flights, especially after the Argon incident.

Around noon, Wedge and Roxie were eating sandwiches in Wedge’s truck (because it had the best heater) when the call came, “Juvat four, control. Viper two three is coming back code three for weapons.”

“Control, please repeat,” asked Wedge, trying not to laugh.

“Viper two three is coming back code three for weapons ... I know, right? He’s coming back to Spot six.” That radio call caused Wedge and Roxie to laugh. Code three means the plane is so broke that it can’t fly again. Weapons are not needed to fly. The only code three for weapons is if he fired his gun and shot his own nose off.

“I gotta see this,” said Roxie as she hopped into her truck. The gang in her truck was goofing around and the windows were steamed up, but Wedge could see her brilliant grin through the steamed-up windows as they moved over close to Spot six. Soon the plane pulled into the parking spot and whirled around, pointing out. The engine shut down and about ten guys pushed the airplane by hand back into the shelter.

The snow was swirling around as the pilot slowly got out of his plane and climbed down from the cockpit. Wedge did a quick inspection of the pylons and wings; it looked like the bombs separated cleanly and didn’t strike the wing as they fell away. “Are you weapons?” demanded the second lieutenant as he struggled against his g-suit.

“Yes sir, you reported code three for weapons?” asked Wedge. He sized up the pilot. He didn’t look stupid, so maybe there truly was a problem.

“Yes!” Then he got close to Wedge and said, “What the fuck? You gave me two nukes.” The kid looked terrified.

Wedge stared at the pilot and decided that looks can be deceiving. “You had Mark 84 ... nukes sir?”

“Yes! I saw the mushroom clouds!” said the pilot, and he was looking scared. “Thanks to you I dropped two nukes within sight of North Korea!”

This lieutenant should know that a 2000-pound bomb is one ton of explosives that converts to a ball of hot, expanding gasses when they detonate. On a wintry day, the ball of gasses rises high into the sky and, yes, they make mushroom clouds. It happens best on cold days like this, and Wedge heard it was -10° at the range today. But even a second lieutenant should know that a Mark-84, 2,000-pound bomb is 0.001% the power of a very small nuke. But also, every lieutenant should know that there are no nukes in South Korea and that the F-16s they have can’t release a nuke.

Wedge saw no need to explain all this to the freaked out college boy that was trying not to pee in his flight suit. “Gee, that’s unfortunate sir...” Wedge looked at his clipboard and sighed. “And you signed for them.”

“WHAT?” shrieked the Lieutenant. He squealed like a prom queen that had just got dumped.

Wedge couldn’t help himself. “When the Munitions Accountable Supply Officer does his semi-annual stock inventory and comes up two nukes short he’s going to crawl up my ass with a magnifying glass, but the fact remains, you signed for them. You had them last. What did you do with them?” and he walked away, right past a chuckling Squadron Commander.

“You have to lighten up on the butter bars Wedge,” said Colonel Walker.

“Well, I got him all weepy, now you can go make everything ok and be his daddy.”

“Fuck you Wedge.”

“Yes sir, right away sir.”

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