Chapter 1: The Conversation

Tara was still a beautiful young woman, only 32 years old, but she already felt world-weary beyond her years. The sparkle that once shone in her bright green eyes was long gone.

She had maintained the façade of a perfect wife and mother for 18 years and she dearly loved her husband, Mark, and her daughter, Clara. However, after hiding her own dark desires for so long Tara knew that she needed to transform into her truest self, or she would be forever lost.

One night, after Clara went to bed, Tara asked Mark to join her on the couch. Tara took his hand and looked deeply into his gray eyes. In a shaky voice, nearly overwhelmed by nerves at what would happen next, she said, “Mark, we need to talk. We both know that neither of us has been happy for years. I can’t pretend anymore to be the sweet and innocent wife and mother you have always known. I need to try to find, and become, my true self, and maybe even save our marriage.”

Mark sighed with sadness and gratitude at Tara’s words and her professed willingness, even now, to try to repair their faltering marriage. With a breaking heart, Mark said, “Tara, I think it’s too late. You have been a wonderful wife and mother and I love you so much for that. But I have decided that I can no longer hide my desires, and I could never ask you to be the partner I need right now. I will always love you and Clara, and will continue to support you both, but I think it’s best if I just find someone better suited to travel this path with me. I’m sorry, sweetheart, but I need to become the real me – no more pretending - and I hope that you also find a partner who can truly satisfy whoever it is that you wish to become.”

Tara felt a wave of emotions wash over her – surprise, anger, hurt, betrayal, and resignation. She knew deep down that, like her, Mark had been hiding his true self for quite some time, and she couldn’t blame him for wanting to pursue his true desires. As difficult as it was, Tara understood that they each needed to find their own way forward. The momentum of their past would just inhibit them. With tears in her eyes, Tara quietly nodded, “I understand, Mark. I wish you all the best on your journey.”

Mark packed his things and left their home, hoping to find someone he could be happy with. And he hoped that Tara would find happiness too with a man who was as healthy and normal as her.

Tara sat on the couch, holding a long, white, Virginia Slims cigarette in her trembling fingers. It was the first time she had touched a cigarette for since she got pregnant with Clara. She knew that Mark was attracted to smoking women and she had hoped to show him all that she was prepared to do to satisfy his desires, and her own. She watched as Mark’s car disappeared down the street, feeling a confusing mix of pain and relief washing over her. This chapter of her life was closing, and she knew it was time to embrace the new one awaiting her. With determination in her heart, Tara lit the cigarette, took a deep drag, and whispered to herself, “Now, where do I begin?”

In the days that followed, Tara tried to maintain her usual routine and respectable appearance. She did her tasks and chores, and parented Clara though, at 18, she was rarely home. But each night she would lock herself in her bedroom with a bottle of brandy, packs of Virginia Slims and More 120 cigarettes, and her laptop. Mark’s words and sudden departure still stung, but she was resolved to explore her secret dark desires, and did so through the fog of alcohol, and the haze of smoke.