Chapter 1

God, this is so boring. Guess this is what I get for being among the first to show up. The only people here are a bunch of uncles and aunts who I’m surprised are still kicking around and unattentive cousins who are either sucking up to everyone else while their crotch spawns run around doing God knows what. No one cool is even here yet. This sucks. When am I gonna learn my lesson? No one ever shows up in the first five fucking hours of family reunions. And I can’t just leave. Learned that lesson the hard way.

What’s even the point of family reunions anyways? It’s just a whole day of bragging, jealousy, politics, “Do you remember me?”, “We should talk more.”, and then we leave without another word for an entire year with the process repeating itself. It’s just so stupid. Why don’t we all just cut out the middleman and just refrain from communicating with each other ever again? Would save a lot of time and energy.

But as I’m in the midst of the disdain I have for being here, I’m suddenly blindsided by a pair of familiar hands covering my eyes. Well, on second thought, family reunions aren’t that bad.

“Guess whooo~” I hear Carrie’s voice say teasingly,

“Mr. Fufferman’s right pus-filled ass cheek?” I joke, garnering a giggle with a playful tap on my head,

“Charming as always, Ethan.”

I laugh with her before turning around and getting a good look at her. I’m immediately met with a smile that could light up a room. The very brightest ray of sunlight on this cloudy fucking day. She’s such a lifesaver in times like this.

“What are you doing here so early?” I question, “You usually don’t show up until the population decreases by half.”

“Yeah, it’s a bit early for anyone to be here, isn’t it?” she replies in a sarcastic tone as she folds her arms, “Why would anyone make the mistake of showing up too early? Especially more than once? Why exactly would anyone make that mistake?”

“Oh, shut up. I’m always struggling to determine the best times to leave without everyone’s panties bunching up in their ass from the mere thought of me not showing up. It’s no secret how I feel about this shit.”

“Why not act like you’re having hotel troubles?”

... Hm...

“Well, see there’s a simple answer for that,” I reply, “Y’see, I’m not smart enough to come up with an idea that genius.”

“Oh, you’re just saying that,” she says with a cocky wave of her hand, “I mean, it is the truth, after all. So feel free to continue telling me how much of a genius I am. Go ahead. I’m listening.”

I chuckle at her douchebag act before saying,

“Self-absorbed much?”

“Why not?” she replies, “I’m the only person that matters.”

“Wow. Might wanna give that arm of yours a break.”

“What?”

“Oh, it’s just imperative to give someone that reminder if they’re too caught up in jerking themselves off.”

“Cute.”

“Bitch, I’m adorable.”

“Heh. Yes you are.”

I’m so happy our relationship is this fun. I couldn’t even dream of doing this with any other aunts without getting a lecture. Everyone’s always walking around with an entire tree trunk up their asses. No one else is nearly as fun as Carrie. She’s like my best bud.

“Hey,” she says, “Whaddya say we just skip out for a while?”

This immediately catches my attention. I mean, hell yeah I wanna, but since when was that an option?

“We can do that?” I ask, flabbergasted,

“Yeah, as long as we’ve got the buddy system going on,” she answers, “Going alone raises suspicion. Going with someone calms everyone down because they kinda see it as an anchor ordeal. It’s common sense, really. Wouldn’t expect someone like you knowing something like that.”

“Well, 50 years is definitely long enough to come up with something, ya fossil.”

“Yeah, keep talking like that, Mr. 30.”

We share another laugh before I say,

“Alright, I’m down. Where we goin’?”

“Wherever we want. I know a good spot to get drinks if you wanna go there.”

“You had me at drinks.”

“Alright, let’s go.”

We announce our departure and, sure enough, there’s little to no pushback to our plans. Why am I just now getting a hold of this sacred information? Better late than never, I guess.

We leave the event in her car, basking in our newfound freedom as she drives to the adult candy store. Before long, she parks and we’re in front of quite the eye catcher of a building. I mean, it’s not that extravagant, but it’s guaranteed to turn some heads. It pays to know someone, I guess.

“Ok, look,” Carrie says before I can even step out of the car, “There’s a method of getting a good deal on drinks here and they might be a bit ... ominous to say the least. But trust me, it’s worth it. Just follow my lead, got it?”

“Uh ... alright. Gotcha,” I respond, slightly confused at her order.

We then step out of the car and head inside. And as far as the eye can see, there’s gallons on top of gallons of divine looking specimens. Everything looks so good. Raspberry, blueberry, strawberry, peach, green apple, aged, mint, I don’t even bother looking at the rest. I just wanna try them all. This really is like visiting candy stores all over again.

We gather about $47 worth of drinks and head to the counter for the transaction. After setting the bottles down to get scanned, the cashier gives us a grin before saying,

“Ah, looks like you two have quite the night planned, huh?”

“You could say that,” Carrie says in a coy tone, taking me completely off guard,

“Yeah, you love to see it. What I would give to be in your position, man. You’ve got quite the sexy lady right here.”

I can’t find my words. Is he really implying that we’re ... a couple? And is she ... endorsing this? Before giving it much more thought, Carrie nudges my side, reminding me of what we just discussed in her car. Uh ... ok ... If this gets us that deal.

“You’re tellin’ me,” I reply, feeling dirty all over, “Luck’s a funny thing, y’know?”

“Alright, alright. Don’t rub it in, dude. Speaking of luck, though, yours is just getting better. There’s a love birds special we have going on here if you’re interested. 45% off for $30 or more.”

“Uh ... sure.”

“Alright. Good choice. Trust me, with how much penetration’s going on tonight, you don’t need any of that done to your wallet, amiright?”

I nervously chuckle at his terrible joke as he scans our stuff. Before long, he finishes scanning and implements the special. I pay the amount before grabbing the bags and heading out.

“Have fun, you two,” he calls out as we depart, “Make every second count.”

I think I’m gonna be sick. I mean, this is my aunt. And I just made someone think about me banging her. Starting to think the deal wasn’t worth it. But who knows? Maybe my opinion will change after I taste the drinks. I mean, they’ve gotta be pretty damn good if Carrie’s willing to go through that to get them, right?

We converse about different topics as we head back to her car, not even giving what we just did any further thought. Thank God we’re on the same page on that front. I just wanna get that thought out of my mind. I mean, for fuck’s sake, she’s way out of my league anyway. Like I could pull someone like her on my own fruition. Just look at her: sexy face, perfect b-cup tits, hypnotizingly thick thighs, body so irresistible it’ll have a grown man dropping to his knees pleading for-

“Ethan, you there?” I hear her say, snapping me out of my thoughts, “Hope you don’t plan on blistering out here in the sun. For one, I need your help bringing these inside and for another won’t be the best look if you just suffered heat stroke without being involved with the reunion.”

We collect the bags and head to her hotel room. After setting down the drinks, I get a good look at the place. It’s not bad at all. Far better than mine. I’m gonna need to see who she’s in contact with because there’s no way this place was cheap by any means.

My admiration is interrupted as I hear Carrie opening up a bottle. I turn to her, seeing her choice of beverage being raspberry champagne. This woman always had impeccable taste in drinks. She pours some into a couple of glasses and hands me one, to which I happily accept before we partake in the raspberry goodness. And oh my God, that’s the best champagne I’ve ever had.

“See?” she says, seeing the look of enlightenment on my face, “Good, right?”

“It’s alright, I guess,” I joke back, garnering a chuckle in response, “To think I had to pretend I was gonna plow you in order to get these.”