Chapter 4: Revelations!

I was the last to arrive at Robyn’s on Monday afternoon. Aapi had biked over, and the Girls High was closer than our school. The atmosphere was slightly tense when I joined the others at the dining room table. There were Physics texts open, but calculation of moments was not under discussion. They were talking about Aapi’s cousin Sina, and how he should handle her advances. I watched and listened for a few moments, paying as much attention to what wasn’t being said as to what was.

Alison was fully engaged in the discussion, and it seemed (on the surface at least), as though she had resolved whatever had been distressing her. It sounded as though Aapi and the girls had reached a consensus that Aapi should make it clear to his cousin that he had a girlfriend in the study group, and that Sina should find herself a boyfriend at Otahuhu High School. I saw an opening.

It would be very easy to follow the strategy Frank had suggested. I could move the conversation to ‘consent’, and give Alison an opportunity to open up – if he was right and she had something to open up about. But should I?

Alison seemed to be settled. If there was a jar of worms in her past, she seemed to have put the top back on. If she was handling the study group and not disturbed by the rest of us talking about sex, did I have a right to stir her? While I was thinking about that, Robyn took charge of the conversation. She spoke directly to Aapi.

“You have a chance to give Sina some really important messages about sex. It sounds as though she’s in a place to listen to you.”

“You mean like ‘don’t get pregnant’?” He might have been joking - or not, but Robyn was dead serious.

“That – and other stuff that might be just as important.” Alison surprised me.

“Perhaps we could talk about that. I’m much more interested in that, than just joking around. It’s important!” I suggested a structure.

“Okay. Let’s all make a list of what messages around sex we have got in the past – growing up, and what messages we would like to have got. Then maybe we can discuss them. We’ll be doing English and Social Studies before Physics.”

We fell silent, five swots fully engaged, each of us thinking and jotting down notes. After about ten minutes, we each read out our lists. There was nothing particularly surprising included in any of them, and their different emphasis and priorities reflected our different individual circumstances and backgrounds. We were five smart kids, maybe even overintellectual, wrestling with a subject that really interested us, but every attempt to discuss our lists was chaotic.

It was easy to discuss Pauline’s priest’s ‘masturbation is a sin and if you die unconfessed, you will burn in hell for eternity!’ on the same level as my dad’s ‘masturbation is not good for you’, but Uncle Frank’s advice to ‘take a sock to bed so you don’t stain the sheets and upset your mother’ came from a different world view.

Similarly, ‘no sex until you’re married, ‘don’t get (anyone) pregnant’ and ‘not with your cousin’, might or might not relate to ‘girls who have sexual feelings are tarts’, and ‘no means no!’.

Alison had an overview. She hung back, and after the rest of us had wrangled unproductively for a while, she made a simple statement that might not have explained everything, but it gave us a framework.

“There’s the biological stuff – feelings, hormones, anatomy, sensitivity, orgasms, contraception, periods, all that. That’s just factual.” There were lots of nods, and she went on. “Then there’s all the other shit – the stuff about society, parents, rules, morals, who does what with who and when, sex while you’re bleeding for example, talking about what you feel, what you like, what you want. All that. That’s all belief and opinion, even if there’s lotsa feelings around them.” She looked around. Our nods were quite emphatic, but Robyn had an important addition.

“Talking about what you’ve done with someone without their permission would go in there.”

“Yup.” Aapi brought the discussion back to Sina.

“Some of the people at the church say that young people shouldn’t even be exposed to the biological stuff. They believe most information about sex should be provided only when people need it – just before they marry.” There was a chorus of snorts, and he looked around. “We’re all okay to talk about all the biological stuff – aren’t we?” We nodded. “So I should give Sina any factual information she wants?” We seemed to agree about that too.

“That leaves all the social rules.” He was speaking to all of us, but the next question was really directed to Alison. “Can we discuss all the feeling and opinion and judgment stuff here in this group without getting in shit?” The rest of us just nodded, but Alison had a qualification.

“I’m fine discussing it seriously, but joking around and leering and innuendo just pisses me off. For me, this is serious stuff!” Pauline reached over and put her hand on Alison’s arm.

“Okay, fair enough. I get it. There was a time when rubbing my button meant I would burn in hell. That was pretty serious.” I made a connection.

“So perhaps factual information might sometimes make a difference to what we think about the social rules.” Alison nodded, but the other three looked puzzled. “My dad says masturbation’s harmful; the church says it’s sinful, but knowing that all boys and most girls do it certainly removed lotsa my guilt.” Robyn chipped in.

“Yeah, and knowing that most young people are randy a lot of the time and that being extra horny didn’t make me a slut or a tart was really important for me. It took away a lot of my guilt and made it easier to handle my feelings safely.” Alison looked thoughtful, and tensed slightly. Robyn went on.

“And in relation to that, knowing that boys dribble a few thousand sperm long before they spurt properly, and that those sperm can swim a long way has probably already stopped me getting pregnant!” Pauline was thoughtful, Alison frowned and I added my two bob’s worth.

“For me, Uncle Frank getting really heavy about talking about what the other person wants before we do anything at all intimate has been really important.” Aapi looked puzzled.

“I’m not sure how that would help me. She wanted to see my cock and suck me off. I wanted to let her. In fact, I wanted to do lots more than that!” Pauline stifled a giggle, then looked at Alison.

“Sorry!” Aapi went on

“I suppose if we were able to talk it all through, we could agree that doing sex stuff with each other is a very bad idea even though we both really want to.” Alison brightened.

“That would also cover the bit about her not being sure she was attractive, and that’s really important. That’s what got me into trouble.” I went with Frank’s guess.

“With your cousin?” Alison paled, then flushed.

“Who the fuck do you think you are? Fucken Perry Mason?” It was as if a switch had been thrown. Alison had seemed the most analytical and serious of the group, and the overview she had suggested had certainly helped us move our discussion forward, but now she was clearly upset.

“No. I’m just trying to help us all get to a place where we can be comfortable with each other and make this study group work for us all.” She sniffed and looked sceptical, but I pressed on. “You had a really strong reaction the other day when Aapi talked about Sina. It seemed to be about her age, and their being related and also about her needing reassurance that she was attractive.” Alison was now leaning forward and paying full attention. I noticed that she had taken Pauline’s hand.

“You told us – well – nearly told us – that there were issues about feeling unattractive, and you had a reaction to what I said about lotsa talking and discussion about what each person wanted. I guessed the other thing about your cousin. He’s older, isn’t he?”

Alison drew in a huge breath and held it for what seemed a very long time. I think the rest of us held our breaths too.

“Fuckit.” She looked around. “Stays in this room! Right?” We all nodded.

“My cousin Walter pashed me up and I let him. It felt okay. Then he felt my tits and I didn’t stop him. That felt okay too, and he seemed to like them though I had even less then than I have now. I let him, but I was terribly guilty. Part of it was that he kept telling me I was pretty, and no other boy had ever noticed me.” The rest of us were paying close attention, and Alison squared her shoulders and went on.

“Then he took my hand and put it on his cock, and I didn’t pull way. By then he had his hand in my pants. I was scared, and guilty too, but no boy had ever shown the slightest interest in me that way, and so it was exciting as well. I quite liked it when he put one finger inside me, but I still told him to stop. When he wouldn’t stop I didn’t push him away or yell or anything.”

By now Robyn had moved round the table and was holding her other hand. Aapi and I looked at each other and moved to stand behind Alison. I put my hand on her shoulder. She didn’t exactly flinch away, but I sensed she wasn’t comfortable with my touch, so I dropped my hand and Aapi took it. Alison was tearful. No sobs, just overflowing eyes. As Uncle Frank would say – ‘quite a pity tablow’.

And that was how Mrs Thomas found us when she arrived with drinks and snacks. She stopped in the doorway.

“Is everything okay?” Robyn took charge.

“Yes Mum. We’re fine, but Alison has some stuff she needs to tell us about and It’s private.” Mrs Thomas was brilliant.

“I’ll just leave this stuff here then. If there’s something I should know about – you’ll tell me later. Promise?”

“Promise!” She went out, closing the door behind her with just a little emphasis. Alison sought reassurance.

“You won’t tell about my stuff – will you?”

“Nah. Your story, your business!” I sensed Alison had more to tell, but while I was thinking about how to ask, Pauline got very direct.

“Did he spunk in you?” Mrs Thomas’ interruption had perhaps given Alison a chance to process the situation, or perhaps she was past caring, and she answered immediately.

“No. I think he would have, but he spurted before he could find his way to the right place. I was wriggling and trying to get away by that stage. He spurted his stuff all over my cooch.” Pauline was onto it again.