Chapter 3

Saturday, 14 July 2018

Dad is getting ickier. Two days ago, he came out of the bathroom right in front of me wearing only his underwear. His penis was kinda obvious. I whirled around and went back to my room and slammed my door. A little bit later, he talked through my door.

“Honey, I’m sorry about that. I didn’t know you were there and thought I could dash back to my room.”

I said, “Please don’t do that.”

He left it at that, but I did sorta wonder about his penis.

Sunday, 15 July 2018

I had to break down and ask my dad to take me to get new bras. I guess my torso is getting wider. My tits still fit in an A cup, but it’s getting difficult to close the bra behind me and then it’s so tight. We went to Penney’s, where a nice older lady helped me while my dad wandered around the store. She suggested a front-closing bra as part of a solution if I kept growing across my chest. I liked her. She was pleasant and seemed to care for me. I understand that good salespeople are all that way, but ... I don’t know. It seemed real to me, and I left the store with a little better feeling. On the way home in the car, my father muttered something that sorta sounded like, “nice tits,” but I couldn’t be sure, and that ruined my good mood from Penney’s.

I hunched my shoulders and kept my head down and revisited in my head an old mantra about my mother leaving us, “I hate you for what you did to me, and now I have to have my father take me to get bras. The father who seems to be getting icky with me. This fuckin’ sucks!”

I’m catching him looking at me more and more. I don’t know if I should keep trying to catch him at it or keep my head down and pretend it’s not happening. I kinda wish I lived closer to Beth’s house. She’s so with it and I’m sure she wouldn’t put up with this shit! Beth’s incredible. She’s so positive about ... everything, and so helpful. Dakota lives sorta close, and I can go there. Her mom is really nice, exactly the sort of mom I’d love to have, one that’s figuratively ‘there’ for her daughter. Hell, I’d be ecstatic with a mother that was literally ‘there’ for her daughter.

Dad won’t let me stay over there. That’s annoying, because she has Kanda stay over a lot, and she stays at Kanda’s a lot. I wish I could have sleepovers with them.

I don’t understand how Dakota has done it. Apparently, she was pretty shy last year on this team until about mid-season. Kanda and Dakota said that she got better about that late in the season, but she’s nothing like shy this year. She’s ... she’s what I wish I could be, a leader. She’s the third youngest on the team after Civ and Kanda, yet she now speaks up in discussion sessions on the team and she even volunteered to plan our team party at the Williams compound. Why can’t I get that kind of confidence? Actually, I do have ... or am developing that kind of confidence on the pitch, but I can’t seem to do it, you know, personally or, rather, interpersonally. I need how I am on the pitch to translate to more aspects of my life.

Why do guys have to be icky?

Brett’s not, nor is Seamus. They’re both so dreamy and such nice and helpful guys. Why can’t I have a father like that? Don’t tell anyone, but I’d ... I’d give either of them ... whatever they wanted from me, not that they’d ever be so gross as to ask. Besides, Brett is married to Beth, or might as well be. He loves her so much, but it’s weird, ‘cause if he’s married to Beth, it seems sorta like he’s married to some of the other girls. I don’t get them, any of them. But I’d give it up to either or both of the guys. They’re like, almost perfect. And here I go again, being all hot and interested about two white boys, but, really, they’re the very nicest guys I know. And they’re dreamy!

Sunday, 22 July 2018