Chapter 3

The flight up to Amsterdam took just over an hour, the culmination of an early start and endless waits to finally board the plane. Andrew thought about Suzanne, in amongst the constant waiting on the plane, she had been on his mind throughout the whole week. They had these snippets of life together, the tantalising possibility of a future together but Andrew was trying not to let them grow too large in his mind. He could play being a grown-up now and again but for the most part he was a confused 21 year old student. He was sitting in the plane waiting to take off when the thought came to him that his confusion about Suzanne and Ara was a reflection of his personality, either innate or developed. Andrew charged forward at life and tackled problems, both at school and at university. He was best in situations where he could work towards an answer. Life as an exam, study hard and you will do well. As Andrew thought about it, sitting on a plane on the outskirts of Paris, it was clear he was guilty of trying to do the same thing here. Having decided that he did not know what it meant, but it seemed significant somehow to have at least thought it. His thoughts of that time were hopelessly confused. When it came to his dealings with Ara and Suzanne everything was a big old mess. That he was constantly thinking about, and comparing, the two of them being just the most obvious.

Andrew’s flight from Paris arrived about 20 minutes before Suzanne’s flight from Edinburgh so he did not have long to sit waiting patiently in international arrivals for her. When she finally exited and came out onto the concourse his smile was involuntary and wide. A student in jeans and a top, strawberry blonde hair swept back, and looking lovely. Andrew stood and walked towards her and the sparkle in her eyes and her own smile just made his even wider. He didn’t lift her by the arse and kiss her in the middle of the concourse but the thought was there. And Suzanne knew it. He bent down and they kissed for what seemed a long time. They said nothing as they headed over to the taxi rank and the short journey into town. After checking into the small hotel they had stayed at two years earlier and dumped their bags, Andrew guided Suzanne back out of the room and down onto the pavement up the side of the canal. He could tell she was surprised and disappointed that they were not in bed already.

Their initial chat needed to address something that had been bothering Andrew for days.

“You seem serious Andrew, what are you thinking?”

Suzanne’s lips twitched up and threatened to break into a big smile.

“I wanted to talk about this weekend and make sure I don’t make a mistake, I don’t want to upset you.”

“Okay.”

The ‘a’ was drawn out.

“Three weeks ago I told you that you were coming here this weekend. Thinking about it later I worried that I was bossing you around outside the bedroom and was making you uncomfortable. It has rather nagged at me that I was crossing the line between the bedroom and the rest of your life.”

Suzanne looked at him in surprise before starting to laugh.

“It is always nice to see you act like a complete idiot every now and again. It gives the rest of us hope. When you told me that we were coming here we were lying in bed, we may even have been fucking, I can’t remember and it is irrelevant. You are so far the other way that I doubt that you could act in that manner and I would say something to you if anything like that happened.”

She pulled him to the railing at the side of the canal, out of the way of the other pedestrians.

“Stop being silly. I have to work hard in my head to stop letting this all overwhelm me. Everything that you do for me. I cannot even begin to talk about it, it will just make me cry. I am here, and I am happy to be here. Don’t you understand, this is me. Not the whole me, not even a major part of me, but this is a key piece of who I am. I want to walk into every sex shop in Amsterdam this weekend. It is like a shot of adrenaline. Do you not remember how important it was to me two years ago? I want to tease and be teased; I want my eyes to be bigger than my wallet; I want to think about coming back here every year for the rest of my life and still not have run out of things to buy.”

Many times Andrew had seen the sparkle in Suzanne’s eyes but they had been shielded with cataracts before. Now? Blazing passion and excitement.

Nothing else needed to be said. Suzanne was excited and he had been needlessly concerned. They walked back to the hotel arm in arm, he could feel the excitement radiating off Suzanne, but his mind was elsewhere. Andrew had gone from worrying that he was misreading the situation with Suzanne to thinking about how he could make the weekend even better. He was still thinking about that when they returned to their room. Andrew absent-mindedly opened his bag and stowed the few pieces of clothing in the dresser drawer before stashing the bag in the cupboard. He watched Suzanne do the same thing, including hanging up her coat. It was knee length, belted with a relatively narrow opening at the throat. It was fashionable more than weatherproof but was perfect for a cooler autumn evening. It was a dark gray that went well with her blonde hair. It was similar but lighter than the coat that Maggie had bought for the trip to Morar. He smiled when he saw the coat and at the memory. Suzanne jumped onto the bed and looked alluring but he resisted her siren appeal.

“Come on, we are going shopping.”

“Now?”

Suzanne almost fell off the bed she was scrambling so hard to get ready but they managed to get themselves sorted and headed back out. And although Andrew led her towards the centre of town, and just beyond it the red light district, it also took them past mainstream shops, including several shoe stores. Ignoring her questions he addressed the sales lady who approached. After checking that she spoke English, almost ubiquitous in Holland, he explained what they were looking for. Well okay, what he was looking for. He wanted to get Suzanne a pair of boots, nothing too over the top, but still with a heel and looking elegant. Her feet were measured and our assistant brought out some selections. As he sat in the shop Andrew came to the conclusion that he might have a bit of a boot and shoe fetish. He had bought Maggie at least three pairs, was now buying a pair for Suzanne and he had bought three pairs of shoes in Cyprus for Aino, Kerttu and Lilja. The thought made him smile. They left with Suzanne having selected a nice pair of black boots, below the knee with a 3” heel. Nothing over the top, as he intended, the sort of boots that professional women wear in the autumn and winter every day. They found a small restaurant and when they sat down he finally addressed some of her questions.

“Relax, for goodness sake. I bought you a pair of boots. Just because it was not the kind of shopping you thought it was going to be, relax.”

“You are far too devious for me Andrew. You never do anything without a reason.”

Then she smiled another of her spectacular smiles. They chatted away over a later lunch before they finally walked back to the hotel. Andrew started to undress and Suzanne after a brief pause quickly joined him. He sat on the end of the bed and watched her finish stripping. Before she could approach the bed he twirled his finger and Suzanne pirouetted before him. In fact that is not correct. She spun so that her back was to him and paused for a moment before peeking over her shoulder. Only then did she complete her turn and launch herself at him. They crawled up the bed but instead of their usual position he asked her to lie on the bed, face down on her front. It was easier to whisper to her and see her reactions that way.

“So tell me what you want to look at when we really go shopping. And don’t just say everything, talk about specific things. What are you excited to look at? And why?”

Suzanne leaned in and kissed him before considering the question. He could see she was taking it seriously.

“You are right about everything but even the specific things are also pretty much everything. I think back to the store we were in two years ago. We hardly looked at any of the videos. This time I want to look at all of them closely. I want to see what they show on the boxes, what they depict. It is inspiration, ideas, something like that. But we looked at most of the rest of the store last time. All the bondage gear obviously. But I think I could spend an hour just looking at all these things. But cuffs, and chains, and blindfolds, what else is there? So all things that I have, that we have, already but different choices. We looked at all the different vibrators and dildos. Again I think I will pick up every one of them, compare the size, is there a way to compare them? I don’t know, some of them must be more powerful. I want to look at all these kinds of things. Demystify it, let me understand it. Let us understand it. And it is the same thing with all the whips and paddles. Do you think they have any instruction books for sale?”

“Er, I don’t know. What do you mean?”

“Beginner’s guide to bondage. Just a way to explain all the differences. So Phil had a riding crop that she used on me. And I think she used to ride horses so it really was for riding. But she would smack my arse with it, there was a little piece of leather on the end and she would flick it so that the little piece of leather smacked me. It was an intense but localised version of getting spanked. She didn’t use the shaft on me like a cane. So there is an example. But you saw the stuff that was there last time. Paddles, wooden or leather. I think one even had holes in it, which I didn’t understand. So they cover a bigger area. And then there were those cat of nine tails things which terrify me and excite me in equal measure. Plus the home made things like ping pong bats. I think it would be really helpful to read about the differences.”

Suzanne stopped and looked at Andrew.

“And yet as soon as I say that it doesn’t ring true to me. What I really mean is that it would be great if you could find something like that and were able to buy something with more confidence or certainty. Think about if you found a book like that today and then read it tonight or tomorrow morning. Then we went shopping and I had no idea what you were going to buy, or why, of how much it was going to hurt?”

She had to stop as she shivered. Without a word she straddled him and lowered herself onto him. Dropped onto him was closer to the truth. Suzanne sighed as she lay across Andrew’s chest.

“I just turned myself on talking to you. That is the kind of conversation that you whisper in my ear, drive me crazy and end up with me calling you the devil. And I did it to myself! You really are the devil, you are making me do your dirty work!”

Andrew spun his legs round, grabbed Suzanne under the arse and carefully stood, still buried in her. Walking to the end of the bed he suddenly threw her down on it and before she had even finished bouncing, grabbed her ankle and pulled her to the end. Her nostrils flared and the contest was on. Her core was strong and tight and she made him fight for every stroke. The joy in her face as they savagely fucked was transfixing. He wanted to bottle that moment, to draw that moment out, but their most intense yet intimate fucking was also always destined to be short. By getting so worked up, feeding off each other, the inevitable pulsing always came far too soon. Rather than lie on him immediately Suzanne rushed to the bathroom so that they had reasonably dry sheets for the night. But she came back through within a minute, gloriously naked, all tits and hips and just looking fantastic.

“You are a shameless ogler sir.”

“Guilty. But in my defence, you are quite the vision to ogle.”

She giggled as lay across him.

“Now where were we before you got me all hot and bothered. Oh wait, I got me all hot and bothered.”

She laughed again.

“Did I answer your questions?”

“Yes you did. I think the word that struck me the most was demystify. We will look for a book, a magazine, even a video that stops us from doing something stupid or dangerous, but also sparks our imaginations, makes us think of something new and exciting. I know it is tough for you when you have long breaks between doing anything like this week, like next week. I don’t know how to say this without it sounding unkind or ignorant but do you think your need to give up control, your need for submission is getting stronger because you are being denied it, or do you think it has plateaued.”

Suzanne scooted up his chest and kissed him.

“It is okay I understand the question. You nailed it with the comment about the long gaps. It builds up, that is why June was so bloody fantastic. You purged it from my system. But I do wonder if it is a conditioned response. I knew you were leaving that weekend so was it a way to protect myself by not letting any of those thoughts linger. I can’t answer that. The only way I will know for sure is when I am in a relationship with someone and I have the chance to fuck every day. Remember we both were unsure what it was going to be like when we were in Rome. There were crazy days but there were also calm days. It doesn’t consume me, and it is definitely something that I only need in the bedroom. I was thinking about your concerns from earlier as we walked back from getting the boots and I understood where you were coming from. Especially when I told you about Phil trying stuff on outside the bedroom. From that three or four month period I came to understand that I am pretty tame when measured against the whole spectrum. There are people who are much more. I don’t know what the right word is. Intense? Total? Immersed. Something like that. Anyway if I had not seen some of that, even if just at the edges, and experienced and reacted to it with Phil then I think I would be more uncertain. So if I had to guess, on a scale of 1 to 10 I think I am a 3 maybe, and with the right person on a regular basis then perhaps a 4. But I have no desire at all to try being a 7 or 8.”

Despite being keyed up for the weekend they had both been working pretty hard and ended up napping for an hour of the afternoon. Suzanne slipped down off his chest into his arms and before Andrew even knew he was asleep he woke to discover it was 4.30. He was not a napper and it was unusual for him to sleep in the afternoon. But they both had a quick shower and then it was time to spring his plan. The execution of which was aided by the way Suzanne sat around with nothing on while she fixed her hair. Andrew got casually dressed before going and getting her new boots. Suzanne was looking through her clothes for clean underwear but he took her hand and led her back to the bed.

“What are you doing Andrew?”

He didn’t answer but helped her into the new boots, zipping them up before standing and helping her to her feet.

“Andrew!”

He still did not answer but went and got her coat. Returning Andrew held it open for her and she finally realised what was happening.

“Shit. No. No way Andrew.”

He just smiled and leaned down for a quick kiss.

“I already know you are naughty, you don’t need to prove it by trying to keep control.”

The two trigger words impacted upon her exactly as he intended. She slowly slid her arms into the coat and Andrew stood behind her as she carefully belted it. There were no buttons, it was designed to be held closed with the belt. He wrapped his arms around her.

“So are you ready for an evening of shopping? Visiting every sex shop in Amsterdam, seeing everything, holding things, imagining them on your body. In your body.”

She shivered.

“Striking your body.”

Another shiver.

“And all the while feeling the drag of the coat on your skin. The breeze on your legs and your arse. And possibly the best part of all.”

He paused.

“You know you are naked, but everywhere you go all you will be thinking about is that everybody else thinks you are naked. They will know that you are wearing nothing under your coat. All these looks and stares.”

Suzanne spun round and kissed him hard.

“You are wrong Andrew. 100% totally wrong.”

He looked surprised at her adamant denial.

“You haven’t checked out the coat. Put your hands in the pockets.”

He spun her back round and stood behind her and put his hands in the pockets. Sure he could feel her but no more than normally through clothes.

“Lift them out slowly and check the edge of the pocket.”

Still unsure what she was going on about Andrew did as he was asked when suddenly Archimedes ran down the street. There were two slits at the start of the pocket that allowed Suzanne to slip her hand under the coat without having to unbuckle it. Designed for retrieving car keys or whatever, from a suit pocket underneath. But all there was underneath was Suzanne. His arms snaked in and clasped across her tummy. Holy moly.

“Take them out.”

He did as requested and Suzanne spun round, and then waited expectantly. Belatedly getting his head into the game Andrew slipped his hands back through the slits and this time cupped her firm toned arse. Suzanne pulled him down for another long kiss.

“Just so you know I am leaking already. You are the devil. But you are my devil. Come on.”

Suzanne did check the mirror before leaving the room but left the hotel without hesitation. They talked as they headed into the centre of the city.

“Do you want to browse first, go from shop to shop, before deciding what to buy?”

Suzanne didn’t say anything but looked at Andrew expectantly. Oh. He shook his head and smiled. He stopped, turned Suzanne so that her back was against the railing and not so surreptitiously fondled her arse under her coat.

“The first three stores we visit when we are done you are going to stand outside while I buy something. So now on top of everything else that you are thinking about you can think about that. What has caught my eye? What am I going to tease, tempt and torment you with?”

Rather than startle her or fill her with nervous dread, Andrew swore Suzanne purred in his arms.

“Just remember Andrew I have been terribly naughty.”

Biting her bottom lip was unnecessary and almost got her dragged back to the hotel room. With a final squeeze of her cheeks they carried on into the city. Andrew was silent as he thought about Suzanne, her growing comfort with who she was and what she needed, and how she was slowly and insidiously corrupting him.

“Stop thinking about it. Just do it.”

Every man knows who has gone shopping with a woman knows what it is like. And the psychology of it. In the first store the man will see what he is looking for, will decide that it is good enough, meets his needs, and will then go and pay for it. Shopping done. Once when Andrew was seven or eight the whole family went shopping on Boxing Day, them and the whole of the rest of Edinburgh. His Grandma wanted to get a new coat in the sales and so they went into every store from one end of Princes Street to the other. And they ended up back at the very first store where she bought the coat that had been the second one she had tried on at the start of the trip. That is shopping with women, and Andrew got an early lesson. The other psychological lesson was something he read. He didn’t remember where he read this but the gist of the article was that a man will spend £2 on a £1 item that he needs so that he can stop shopping, whereas a woman will spend £1 on a £2 item she doesn’t need just to enjoy shopping.

The evening and night was not quite that bad but was so many different things. It was funny and informative, thought-provoking and arousing, and gave Andrew so much to ponder it would take him all term to sort it all out as he swam. The first time you do something there is so much that is unknown and so two years ago they had both been nervous about entering a sex shop. The front always obscures the inside of the store so there is that sense of stepping into the unknown when you open the door. This time that uncertainty had gone. They started at the store they had shopped at before and so when they walked in there was a sense of the familiar. On their first visit they had ignored the video section and headed straight to the clothes whereas this time they walked over to the video section. And it played out like any other couple on a Saturday night at the video store. Browsing separately but close by, stopping and checking the front and back of different videos, and showing and sharing with the other person. All that was different was the theme of the videos. There was an endless array of naked women and they browsed through the general section without really stopping and checking out anything in particular. But when they got to the small section of bondage videos Andrew was sure they stopped and checked out each and every one. It was if they were getting ideas. And Suzanne was happy. Happy to be standing there wearing nothing but a coat looking at bondage videos. Because she needed this, and this validated her needs and desires. Her desires were never going to be mainstream, never going to be a topic of general conversation, but Suzanne Jenner knew that she was not alone, she was not broken, she was not somebody to be pitied. Despite craving to have no control, she could control this. An interesting dichotomy.

One thing that did stand out from looking at all the bondage videos was the theatre of it all. There was a preponderance of dungeons, frames to strap people to, padded benches to tie people down on. But the basics were the same. Someone took the control away, mostly but not exclusively, from women. Then there was either an endless array of sex acts; or first you hit them or tormented them before the endless array of sex acts. The first was something Andrew was comfortable with and had grown to enjoy. The second was the aspect that he had the most trouble with. And why he could never be a true dominant. In the right frame of mind he could get excited due to Suzanne loving what he was doing to her, spanking her being the main thing they had done up to that point. But Andrew couldn’t get excited about the prospect of spanking her, or smacking her, with a paddle or a cane or flogging her with any number of whips. It fundamentally seemed wrong, even although it was all consensual and he knew that Suzanne loved it. But a lot of Suzanne’s love for it was because she knew he hated it and was doing it only for her. Which was muddled and paternalistic on top of everything else.

Yet Andrew had tortured and upset Suzanne mentally and thought nothing of it. He had told her he was going to take pictures of her and send them into to one of the magazines that featured readers wives. Now it was early on in their journey and it was a mistake but it had really upset Suzanne. Andrew had deliberately set out to torment her with that scenario because he thought it was in line with what she wanted. And it wasn’t. So he had no problem mentally fucking with her for several days with lingering effects for days and weeks after but wasn’t prepared to smack her with a paddle where the pain was localised and would be gone within an evening or by the next day. Never let it be doubted that he couldn’t overthink any and every situation.