Chapter 19: Sins of the father

I made my way out to my car. My phone kept going off every 2.8 seconds, but I ignored it till I could make it to my car and silence it. I couldn’t hear much beyond the fire crackling in my ears. I drove straight to Uncle James and Mark’s house. It wasn’t that far from the ‘family’ home. Easily within walking distance, but I hadn’t been in it in years. I don’t think I’d been in that house since Connie and Minnie were banished.

I had two basic goals. One I could do if my Uncle was there and one that I could do if he wasn’t. I needed to gain access to his computers and make sure there wasn’t anything on there that could be used to blackmail or disparage the family. Luckily the ‘family togetherness’ discord server wasn’t explicit and the handful of pictures were from the adults assuming that anything worse hadn’t been deleted before my ban was revoked. The bottom line is that it was going to be looked into and I wanted to minimize the fallout on Sylvie and Annie even if my feelings for the rest of them were in the ‘let them burn’ category at the moment.

Does Amy belong there? I’m not sure I can forgive her for what she did, but knowing the truth about Pete ... does it change things? She still needs therapy, if I ever talk to Helen again, I’ll need to arrange that.

I pulled into the driveway and saw two familiar vehicles.

Fuck, if this goes sour, I don’t want to have to fight both of them. Especially, since I’m still off from the concussion.

I took a moment to breathe and tried to silence the crackle of fire in my ears. I could use the fuel, but I couldn’t afford to be reckless. I hopped out and approached the door and knocked. Mark answered, “What the fuck do you want?”

“Need to have a conversation with our uncle.”

I saw something flash across his face that looked like anger, but it wasn’t directed at me for once, “He’s in his office. I think he is waiting for you.”

“Why would you say that?”

“Because he never goes in there to just sit. It’s only for meetings.”

Guess it’ll be plan B for the computers. I’ll have to break in and search the place when they’re out.

Mark stepped aside, “Down the hall. Across from Connie’s room.”

The house looked different. More than that it felt different. I looked around and the place had changed so much; before it had been a homy, comfortable room with soft reds and yellows. The furniture had been worn, but comfortable with a thousand little touches like throw pillows or those decorative quilts. The tiny statues of various saints on the shelf by the television were completely gone as was the table by the door to the hall that she’d practically set up like an altar. Instead, it was industrial chic; all greys and blacks and leather. You couldn’t even tell that my mother had ever lived here.

Mark spoke from behind me, “You haven’t been here in a while?”

“Sorry, I ... I was just thinking of our mother.” I turned to him in time for him to nod and I asked, “Why are you being less of a dick?’

He took a moment before answering, “You didn’t have to take me to Boston. I can’t believe my dad did that. Just left her there...” I watched his fists clench though I wasn’t sure if it was out of anger or frustration. He then said, “You’re still a piece of shit and I still hate you, but I’m trying to be respectful for Mom.”

I nodded, “Stay out of the way if things get loud.”

I went down the hallway and ducked into Connie’s room. It was almost empty; just a bed and chest of drawers with a thick layer of dust over it. A guest room that never got used instead of the nest of bean bags that we’d lay on as Connie played album after album for me while sorting laundry and pairing socks or other such tasks. The thought of her brought a smile to my face.

If she is alive, I want to find her. I want my sister back.

There wasn’t any more putting it off. I went across the hall and knocked. I was almost certain this conversation would end badly, but there wasn’t any reason to start by being impolite in the man’s home ... even if Helen probably owned it.

I heard a gruff shout of, “Just get in here.”

I opened the door and stepped in. The office matched the rest of the house; industrial chic with some flair in the form of Hockey memorabilia, “I was told you were expecting me?”

He pointed at two uncomfortable looking leather chairs, a foot in front of the desk he was sitting behind. I took the one nearer to the door. I took him in. I’m sure he was something when he was younger, but now there was black greasy hair combed over the start of a bald spot, well-defined muscles and a broad frame that matched with a beer gut that might be a pony keg in a few years, and a smirk that made me want to punch him. That smirk broke, “Of course, I was expecting you. I have a friend in the AG’s office.”

“It won’t change anything. The IRS and FBI got copies too and I can always send a copy to every newspaper, tv news channel, and a few bloggers in the state.”

“Sure, kid. I’ve managed to see myself through worse than you. What do you even want?”

“You don’t know?”

“I do, but you need to ask.”

“I know quite a bit. I know what my father did to you, but I never did anything to you. I treated you with respect till I realized you never earned it. Yet, you still made the situation worse; tried to rile up the anger against me, told everyone I didn’t want to be included, you spent years helping the process of my isolation along. So, I want to know, “Why?’ and of course I’m also going to threaten and blackmail you.”

He laughed and it made the skin of my nose crawl, “You think you can threaten me? Blackmail me?”

I pulled out my phone and queued the video of what he tried to do to Daisy and my subsequent takedown of him. I let it play. Then put it back in my pocket, “I also have no doubt that if you don’t keep your mouth shut there are three girls who have a lot less issues lying about how consensual your interactions with them were than I would.”

He harumphed throwing a bit of saliva on to the glass desk in the process, “And that is supposed to scare me?”

“You’re going to jail and most of your money is getting wiped out, but our family’s secrets need to remain that way ... or I will guarantee you a bad time. White collar prison for embezzlers and tax evaders is a far lesser fate than the kind you’ll get it if I have to leak that video. If I have to have Annie, Amy, and Sylvie write an affidavit about things.”

“And you think that’ll work.”

“It benefits you. And me not beating you to death benefits you, so I assume you’ll fine somewhere else to be once your stint in prison is over.”

We entered into a staring contest. I’m sure he was curious if my will would break, but even dividing between staring him down and resisting the urge to wipe the smirk off his face I wasn’t ever going to quit.

Eventually he blinked, “Why do you think I did it?”

“I had a few thoughts; revenge on my father, keeping the competition low, not wanting me to embarrass Marky Mark with how inferior he is ... a few others.” His face didn’t change on any suggestion. I was either completely wrong or he had a world class poker face.

The smirk continued, “You can leave.”

I shook my head, “Not till you answer the question.”

I watched his body stiffen and my own body readied itself to respond instinctively, but instead of standing or dashing across the table he said, “You deserved it.”

“I? I deserved it.”

“I don’t like you.”

“That’s it? You don’t like me?”

He nodded. “There has to be something more.”

“Nope. I could do it and I liked watching you suffer. It was funny.”

The temptation to grab his head and slam it through the glass table was extreme, but as I measured him up, I was pretty certain he was telling the truth. He was just being a dick. The whole time. Years of work trying to isolate me and it was just because he was an asshole.

Fuck, I don’t even know what to do with that.

I stood and left the office and headed back towards my car. I took the time to snag a spare key from a hook on the wall to ease my breaking and entering later. I climbed into my car and drove to the school. It kept eating at me. The pure mundanity of it, the pettiness of it broke my brain.

I skidded to a stop having to correct and the icy streets for my error. I popped out of the car and opened the school’s pool with the same pattern I always use. In the door, locker room, quick shower and change, turn on the pool’s internal lights and heater, but not the overhead halogens ... I would normally wait a bit for the pool to heat, but I needed the water to much and dove in. It still wasn’t ‘cold’, but they lowered the temperature of the buildings when school wasn’t in session and the water had adjusted to it. The briskness of it hit me making that first breath as I surfaced a bit shallower than normal.

I lost myself in the water. Focused, practiced strokes followed by a kick turn and repetition. All the while I tried to deal with the emotional letdown. I’d propped James up in my head as some kind of villain, so much that part of me didn’t want to believe what he said. He wasn’t a villain. He was just a predatory bully; the same as Pete, the same as Mark, the same as my father. They were all the same driven by base desires and some degree of either sadism or dehumanizing the women in their life.

Am I any different? I literally made a deal so I could choke the Bitch ... Amy ... fuck...

My head throbbed in time with my heartbeat, but I cut through the water regardless drowning out everything, but my own internal monologue. Eventually, the strokes became too hard to continue and I found myself floating staring up the metal rafters, hanging halogens, and the semi-skylight. We were far enough away from the city that you could see stars, but the town’s own light limited to near the very center of the sky.

I didn’t let myself keep hurting Mandy ... even if I’m too much like them I can be better. I can be a better person. I just have to try.

My every muscle was burning. I legitimately didn’t know if I could make it to the ladder or how I was going to get out. I had no idea how long I’d been swimming. Eventually, I worked through the burn and pulled myself along the lane divider and managed the ladder and found myself laying face down on the edge of the pool waiting till I had the strength to roll over.