Chapter 18: The One Thing I’m Not

I woke up to find myself staring at Annie who was sitting at my bedside. I tried to remember what had happened after I left the vacation house, but found it hard to piece together. That my head was throbbing in time with my heartbeat didn’t help.

I asked, “What are you doing here?”

Annie looked up from some kind of handheld at me and pulled an earbud from her ear, “Oh, you’re awake. Amy didn’t want you to be left alone.”

I forced myself to sit up and then stood up. I dug in a drawer to find some Tylenol and then grabbed a bottle of water out of the fridge. I swallowed a handful and chased it with the water.

Everything in me wanted to lay back down, but that wouldn’t be productive, “Amy didn’t want me left alone?”

“Yeah, she said you were still off after the accident.”

“Where is my new phone?”

“Sylvie has it.”

“Can you pause that and just tell me what happened?”

“When I finish this race.”

I sighed and then went to the shower. There was a lot wrong with me, but hopefully they were all things that hot water would fix. As the water scoured my skin I flashed back on the night before. The images were fluttery and fluffy like butterfly filled pancakes. I remembered getting home. I remembered falling down the steps. I remember Amy guiding me to my room and setting my new phone up. I remember being half-asleep as Amy rode me. That was all I could gather.

As I stepped out and got a fresh set of clothes I scanned the room. My head was still throbbing, but I noticed my murder boards were gone and the door that I’d been using as a makeshift desk was now propped in the corner. I sat down on my bed and began to dress and asked, “Where did my murder boards go?”

Annie looked up at me and blew her curls away from her eyes, “We tossed them in the closet. Speaking of which you need to stay in your lane.”

“Is that cause you were playing a racing game?”

“No. Sylvie loves her body. I have a lot of friends. I do archery. I’m the first underclassman that captained the chess team. I even have a boyfriend. Most of them are online, but I do plenty of stuff besides game. We may have lost a few years of closeness, but it goes both ways. You missed most of what happened in our lives too. It’s not all about you.”

She’s talking about the consequences board ... She has a boyfriend? Fuck, my head hurts. She is right. I was reading Joseph’s books and just tried to fit people into the holes ... Fuck ... I hate being wrong.

“Annie. I ... you’re right ... I missed as much of your lives as you missed of mine. I shouldn’t be making assumptions based on the glimpses I’ve seen.” I took a deep breath and steeled myself so I could do something I hated, “I’m sorry. Maybe I just wanted everyone to be as fucked in the head as I am.”

She nodded, “Now, what did you want to know?”

“You have a boyfriend?”

She smiled, “Yeah, his name is Toby. I met him at one of Sylvie’s competitions. It’s long distance, but he promised to fly in for the dance later this year. You can meet him then.”

“That’s great. Now, what happened this morning?”

“Amy went to the hospital. She left you a note.” She pointed to a pad sitting on the corner of the sofa.

I grabbed it and read it, “Going to see Mom. You gave me permission last night. I told Sylvie to watch you.” There was a heart at the bottom with ‘The bitch’ written inside it. I chuckled and that made my head throb.

“Alright, You said Sylvie had my phone?”

She nodded, “She was watching you. Amy didn’t want you left alone. Your phone started going off and she took it and your keys and asked me to watch you.”

“My keys?”

“She said something about shoveling.”

Oh ... That was ... unexpected. She really went to shovel driveways for me? While I was sleeping? She is going to be hurting. There is no way she got the technique down after that one trip out.

“Okay. Well, I’m going to make some oatmeal. Then, I’ll go find her and help. I’ll go see Daisy after that ... Did Helen make it home?”

She shook her head, “No, she stayed at the hospital with Mom.”

“Gotcha, Want a bowl?”

“I ate this morning.”

“This morning? What time is it?”

“About two.”

Fuck, can’t remember the last time I slept this late. Guess the concussion was worse than I thought.

I stood and went and made some oatmeal. Annie went back to her game. After I’d eaten my head was slightly less painful. I climbed the stairs on my way to find Sylvie. It was a decent walk to where she would be if she was still doing my snow removal duties, but if she had my keys and phone, I didn’t have any other options. I supposed I could beg Annie for a ride, but she was definitely a bit angry at me for the contents of my consequences murder board.

I was at the top of the steps when I realized I didn’t have a coat ... it hadn’t made it with me to the hospital after the accident which meant the trunks and other clothes were lost as well. I had a couple of hoodies and a lighter jacket, but they were in my car and they wouldn’t do much to keep the Massachusetts winter out of my bones.

Instead, as I reached the corner turn into the living room I was met with Sylvie. She was walking with a hunch. “How bad is it?”

She tried to offer me a smile, “Hurt my back.”

I ducked under her arm and took some of her weight on me which caused me to wonder exactly how much all those muscles weighed, “We’re headed to the bathroom.” She turned on the axis of me and I realized there was no chance I would be able to lift her off the ground if I had to. We walked slowly towards the bathroom. The mothers’ room and the bitch’s both had ensuites ... so did her ‘extra closet’ that had formally been my room. Annie and Sylvie had to share the main bathroom in the hall and that was where I led her.

It was absurd that Sylvie or Annie hadn’t been given that room once I was ejected from it.

She sat herself on the toilet and I plugged the drain and turned on the cold water. I retrieved some ibuprofen from the medicine cabinet and gave it to her and then announced that I’d be back. I headed towards the kitchen and hunted for a trash bag and then filled it with ice. I slung it over my shoulder and returned to the bathroom to find Sylvie already getting undressed. Once the tub was half filled, I dumped the ice into it. She asked with a bit of hesitation, “an Ice bath? I’ve never been fond of them ... can’t I just use the hot tub?”

“Depends on how much damage you did while you were covering for me. Thank you for that, by the way. I wouldn’t have expected you to be so kind.”

“It’s what a good sister would do.”

“No, it is what a friend would do.” I briefly wondered if she realized how much of an upgrade friendship would be to our relationship. Out of all my family members’ recent attempts at reconnection Sylvie seemed the most genuine.

Sylvie lowered herself into the water, “How long do I stay in?”

“I think 10-15 minutes is standard, but I usually do 30 when I’ve screwed mine up shoveling. You probably will be down tomorrow, but I’ll order Amy to take care of you.”

Why the fuck am I calling her Amy? When did that happen?

“I’ve never seen you use the bathroom up here and you don’t have a tub downstairs, just that shower stall.”

“I’ve borrowed Sarah’s tub quite a bit. The first time I really screwed up she was out of town and I used the hot tub. Stopped by McDonald’s for a couple bags of ice and drug them home and soaked in it without having turned it on a few hours before.”

I dug into her coat and retrieved my keys and phone. I waited for her to soak and put a timer on my phone. We chatted briefly while I waited for the timer to buzz. When it did I ‘helped’ her out of the tub, even if my role was more ceremonial. I helped her to her room and retrieved her clothing from the bathroom. I took note of the sizes. I tried to make her as comfortable as possible and thanked her again before heading out.

Her shoveling driveways for me was beyond anything I would’ve expected from anyone.

I’ll need to talk to Helen and Daisy about the room situation once she is out of the hospital.

I stepped through the door and saw a gloved fist attached to a girl. I took a deep breath of the cold air, “I thought that only happened in the movies.”

Mandy ran a hand across her toboggon, stuttering halfway through the motion when she realized that she wasn’t running her fingers through her hair, “Hey...”

I smiled at her and watched her cheeks redden and not due to the cold, “You want to go for a ride?”

She glanced around and I saw her eyeing her bike sitting by the end of the walk, “Yeah.”

“I’ll throw your bike in the back.” I handed her my recently reacquired keys, “You want to start her up?”

She popped over to my aging SUV. It looked even more out of place next to Annie’s sporty monstrosity and the house than I’d imagined it would. I hobbled over and grabbed the bike and slung it into the hatch. I assumed she’d done roadways cause outside of this particular section of suburbia I doubted the sidewalks were clear. I noticed my shovels and salt were back in place. That meant Sylvie really had gone above and beyond, not only had she done the work; but she’d put everything back to rights too.

I moved to the driver’s seat as I heard the engine turnover. One thing I loved about the car is that it warmed up quickly, even if the ac only half worked in the summer.

She asked, “Where is your coat?”

“Didn’t make it to the hospital after the accident. I thought you didn’t want to see me for a while?”

She ran her ungloved hand through her actual hair this time, “I wanted to check on you. I heard about the crash. It was on the news.”

“I’m okay. Just a concussion, nothing I haven’t had before. Want to help me pick out a new coat?”

She looked pensive and then nodded. I eased the car into reverse and backed out of the driveway a bit slower than I probably should have. I wasn’t used to having my car here, so I was overly careful when checking for traffic.

“You know why I’m mad at you right now?”

“I know. I’m sorry.”

“I really wish it were easier ... are you sure you can’t promise...”

I interrupted, “I can, but I would be lying. I ... I honestly thought when I made you that promise that I wouldn’t ever try again, but it took one really bad day to send me spiraling. I can’t guarantee I’ll never spiral again. I want to ... I really wish I could promise you that, but I think now, more than ever, I understand how fragile my state of mind is. I don’t want to lie to you. I don’t want to hurt you. I don’t want to make you relive what happened.”

She squeaked out, “You know?”

I regretted saying it immediately. The look of pain and panic on her face caused an ache I couldn’t explain. “Your mom told me. After last time, she decided I needed to know what the ‘accident’ was that took your other half.”

“And you did it anyway.”

“I did. All I can do is apologize, I won’t make excuses for it. I really don’t want to hurt you, but I can’t promise I never will.”

Things were quiet. It was tense, but I didn’t have anything to offer to break that tension. I’d been aiming at the goodwill, but changed my mind and pulled into a strip mall. With the college fund, I could afford to buy a new coat without worrying. I spent so much of the last few years squirreling away every penny I could expecting to have to make it through college on my own.

I parked a fair distance from the entrance and pulled on a spare hoodie from the back seat, “C’mon, I’ll buy you something pretty.”

The one thing I’m not...

I let Mandy guide us to a trendier shop. I wouldn’t normally be caught dead in this kind of place. I’d spent years focusing on putting as much cash as I could into savings to help deal with whatever I couldn’t cover with merit scholarships. There was no way I’d be approved for loans with Helen and Daisy’s net worth and I was never confident that I could convince them to make my disownment official My shopping trip with Amy had been the most money I’d spent on something besides the car, even the appliances I’d used to make the basement more habitable had been bought used or gifts from Duke and his wife. I found the men’s section and found a solid parka in a darker teal shade. I hesitated when I glanced at the price tag, but sighed and tossed it over my shoulder.

I ended up passing through the men’s big and tall section on my way to find Mandy and was waylaid by a leather bomber jacket and the image it flashed in my brain if it were wrapped around Sylvie’s amazonesque body. It was three times what my new coat was, but I added it my shoulder. Sylvie more than any of the others seemed genuine in her attempts to reconnect with me and had gone far above and beyond what I would’ve expected from a sibling.