Chapter 12: You Must Remember This

She was sitting on my love seat. Her eyes had dark circles under them. She’d been crying. I greeted her as I sat on my bed, “Daisy.”

“Is this my fault?”

“Is what your fault.”

“That peg. You were hanging from. It’s ... That’s what it’s there for. It only had one purpose.”

“Yeah. That’s why I put it there. Though I should’ve locked the door.”

“You tried before.”

“A few times. I figured that would work, but one of you must’ve come downstairs.”

“Amy did. How, how did ... how did you try before?” Can’t seem to get through a sentence in one go.

“I jumped the first time. That was at school. But I just broke a few ribs, concussion. Didn’t even break a limb. I woke up in the hospital they tried to call you. But you were off somewhere ... I think that was Tokyo. Convinced them it was an accident and Sarah signed me out ... forged your name in the process.”

“And the other time?”

I held out my wrists the deep jagged cuts up the arms were unmistakable, “Times. Had quite a lot of booze and pills, just never quite enough. A lot of cutting that was just too shallow.

The time I came closest was these, doing both was trickier than I thought it would be. I went to Heather’s grave. Went down the road, not across the street; forced the blade in as deep as I could and tried to open up as much as possible. You guys were in Hawaii for three weeks.

If Heather’s brother hadn’t come to visit I would’ve been done and dusted, but he decided to call an ambulance and tried to use his shirt to put pressure on the wounds. They superglued the damn thing shut till they could do a proper fix. So, he rode in the ambulance with me in just his pants and binder.

Geoff was smitten instantly when he came to visit. So, I dropped him down to booty call, so he’d take his shot. They didn’t last long, but it was the right thing to do. Got hit with the psych hold and a lifetime subscription to Wellbutrin with that one.”

“Is it my fault?”

“Yes and No. I made the decision, but you, the rest of the family, and Amy in particular were driving factors. Maybe if I’d seen a grief counselor after Dad or Heather I might not have, maybe if I’d had a better support system, but there isn’t any point in playing what ifs.”

“Why didn’t you tell us?”

“You don’t care and I won’t waste my breath.”

“You could have talked to us.”

“It wouldn’t have mattered. I asked for a lot of things over the years. I say I’m hungry and I get told ‘go make a sandwich’ in a house with no bread, peanut butter, or lunchmeat. I asked why I didn’t get to go with you lot to Mykonos the one time I knew your plans ahead of time and never actually got an answer. I asked for help getting Amy to stop harassing Heather and you told me to suck it up. I asked you to drive me to her funeral and I ended up walking five miles in the suit I bought for it. Even recently I asked you to include me in stuff and treat me like the children you love and you couldn’t do that either. Asking you guys for things doesn’t do anything. Talking to you never helps. Why would I keep doing it?”

“I ... I want to fix it, but I don’t know how.”

“You want to call yourself mommy anytime I stick my dick in you, try to be my actual mom. You want to fix it, then fix it.”

“Is that what you want?”

“No. I want a lot of things, mostly to be completely done with the lot of you. If you wanted to fix it, you could’ve changed your behavior after the game of twenty questions. You didn’t. The bitch found a way to bribe me, but didn’t change her behavior. Sylvie tried to include me in her workouts, apologized to me, and even joined me for a day shoveling snow. Annie may not be able to see the world outside of a video game, but she wanted me to play with her. Two of your daughters put in a legitimate effort after how badly you lot fucked me over came to light.

And you’ve done what? Did you try to get to know me? Did you ask questions about my life? My hopes? My dreams? Did you insist on including me in whatever you were doing with the girls that day? No, you tried to bribe me and you let me fuck you. That’s it. If you want things to change, then you have to fucking try.

What did I do that was worth being banished? What did I do that meant I wasn’t worth including anymore? Was it just cause you weren’t fucking me the way you were Amy? Cause you didn’t treat Sylvie and Annie like that. You never forgot their birthdays. You never left them behind when it came time for a vacation. You need to figure out why or you’ll do it to someone else.”

“I’ll think about it.”

“Now, Amy said you were planning another party.”

“Yeah, for New Years’ Eve.”

“And you were trying to invite Mark and James even after what they did. Even after you said you’d cut them off ... that doesn’t show me your word has any value.”

“They apologized.”

“Didn’t we already have this conversation?”

“You don’t think they should come?”

“Mark tried to rape Amy; James tried to rape you. If they get told, ‘no’ they’ll do it again. You aren’t people to them. You don’t have lives or interests. You’re just something they can use for pleasure. When was the last time you talked about something besides them trying to stick their dicks into you?”

She looked deep in thought for a moment, “I don’t remember, but that’s true of you too.”

“Yes, but that was your choice. You chose to throw me down here. You chose to stop listening to me and we’re still taking about how to deal with them, not arranging for me to fuck you.”

She seemed more anxious than pensive now, “I still don’t like cutting them out completely. I know I said I would, but James told me not too.” Why the fuck do people keep listening to him? They know he lies regularly and they still buy into his bullshit.

“But you were okay with doing it to me.”

The look of pain and shock on her face was pleasant. “It doesn’t need to be forever, but there has to be consequences. You can’t just say, “I’m sorry” and be let back in. They have to learn that can’t just cross your boundaries. If or when they’ve reformed, you can try to bring them back into things slowly. On the other hand, if it happens again they have to go, permanently. I personally say they shouldn’t get another chance, that’s a step too far for any sane person ... but you obviously don’t value my opinion, yourself, or your daughter enough to take steps to protect the lot of you.”

“I don’t want it to happen again, but I don’t want to write them off. Are you sure that if I ban them for a few months till they learn?”

“That’s a start. You have to be clear that they can’t just treat people like they’re objects.”

“I’ll tell them I vote against it. I made Mark and James unblock you from the group chat.”

“I’ll rejoin, but you should have them transfer the ownership of the server to you or Helen.”

“Why?”

“So, they don’t do that kind of thing again for one. They’ve already shown they’ll misuse that.”

“Do you think? Do you think they knew we missed it? Your induction? Did they just let you miss your entry into the family?”

“That’s very likely. I know your parents did and just assumed I’d said, ‘no’. I’m not going to point fingers till I can prove it.”

“Mom is going to love your cock. You’re bigger than Dad. Thicker too.”

“I don’t plan on sleeping with her.”

“Why not?”

“I have barely spoken to her in five years. The longest conversation we had was like three days ago. You guys just go on vacation with her to fuck or they come in for one of your orgies I’m not invited too. She hasn’t shown an interest in that time and to be honest it wasn’t great before that. I get a sick twisted thrill with you and Helen because of what you once were to me. Annie is sweet and I guess I forgave her for what little she did to me. Sylvie actually seems to try and I’m going to keep hurting the Bitch. I don’t have anything like that with Jenn. We were never really close and the last five years haven’t helped that. Maybe if she shows an interest and those letters are heartfelt, I might want to someday, but we’re not there yet.”

“I wish I could fix it.”

“Don’t worry ... I doubt it’ll be the last time I try to bite the bullet. One of these days I’ll get lucky.”

She screamed, “Don’t fucking say that!” and leapt toward me. She tried to slap me, but I grabbed her wrist.

“You think hitting me is a good idea?”

“It’s not fucking funny! You almost died.”

“Everything’s funny. That’s the point, but what you need to answer is why you care that I almost died this time, but I walked around with these for two years without you giving a damn.” I let go of her arm and held out my wrists, “You can’t fucking miss them.”

She started bawling and whether it was the emotions or me letting go of her wrist when she was already off balance ended up on her knees. I felt a sudden pang and stood, then knelt down and lifted her onto the bed.

“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry ... I just want to fix it.” She grabbed at my pillow and pulled it to her repeating the apology over and over again.

“Do you want me to get Helen?”

She kept bawling. After about twenty minutes she started to compose herself. It was another ten minutes after that before she spoke, “I fucked up, but I love you. I want to fix us.”

“I’m not sure that can happen.”

“You don’t have to be cruel.”

“I’m ... I’m really not being cruel. I’m not saying it to hurt you, it’s just the way things are.”

“Am I the worst mother?”

“Obviously not. You never beat any of us. The sex isn’t a great idea for normal family dynamics, but at least you wait until they’re 16 or nearly for Annie. What you did to me wasn’t okay, but it’s hardly the worst thing a parent has done. Do you want to play a game?”

“Please, no.”

“One game ... and if you win, then I’ll give you that kiss you wanted.”

“And if I lose?”

“You’ll wear something I bought for you when you come down here to see me.”

“You bought me a present?”

“I saw something when I was shopping the other day and felt compelled to pick it up.”

“What is it?”

“Game first.”

“What if I don’t want to wear it?”

“Then head upstairs since you don’t want to play.”

“What’s the game?”

“Three questions ... you get all three right you get your kiss.”

“If they’re about you I already know I’ll lose.”

“They’re not. I want to test a theory. Three daughters. Three questions.”

She smiled which looked odd when the redness her face still held from the tears and nodded.”

“Sylvia has photographs of a ton of body builders on the walls of her room for inspiration. She has three of the same woman, a woman she worshipped since she started pumping iron and one of them is on the ceiling above her bed, so her interest might not just be professional. She also has the woman’s first name tattooed on her arm. So, who is her hero?”

“Yaxeni Oriquen-Garcia.”

“Huh ... no idea if you pronounced that right, but I think you’re right. The bitch is a huge fan of an ancient musical artist ... and doesn’t want anyone to know about it. Which musical artist does she love, but it is extremely embarrassed by loving?”

“I ... I don’t know ... We’ve bought her tickets to a bunch of different artists, but I don’t know who she’d be embarrassed by liking.”

“Okay, to be fair I didn’t know this one till I got access to her phone, speaking hand me yours...” She did and I pulled out my laptop and started to work ... it occurred to me I should check the camera set up and snip James’ crime later. “But she seems to worship the lead singer of Maroon 5. No idea fucking why.”

“So, I’ve lost. What am I going to have to wear?”

I smiled, “Double or nothing on the last one? Kiss and I’ll call you ‘Mom’ for a whole day versus wearing your present anytime you’re home till our time is up...”

“You’re just like your father.” My eyes dropped and she backpedaled, “I don’t mean ... I know he did some bad things, but he was a good man ... and I loved him so much. He always had to win. He had to hold all the cards. He passed that on to you.”

I sighed. My faith in my father had been shaken when I realized he’d intentionally fucked over James and exploited all three of my mothers. “All those games he had us play ... he taught me a lot, but with recent revelations I’d like to think I’m a better man.”

“Did you really plan on just disappearing?”

“When I hit 18? Yeah ... I had a friend willing to take me on as a roommate when they renew their lease ... I was going to move my stuff over ahead and just not come back on the day of. Mandy promised to keep an eye on your socials to let me know when or if you ever figured out I was gone. There was a betting pool for how long ... I was figuring it would be at least a month.”