Chapter 11: Morning Has Broken

I woke up and saw a drop ceiling. Pastel walls. The window offered a decent view of the lake. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. “Fuck, why?” my voice was hoarse.

I stared at the ceiling. At least the hospital wasn’t with them. Eventually a nurse came in. I rasped out, “When can I leave?”

“I’ll have to send the doctor in. What happened.”

“Was hanging a model plane from the ceiling, slipped, had to be a one-in-a-million accident.”

“Okay.”

I had a long chat with three different doctors. I kept my story straight, said all the right things, and avoided a 48-hour psych hold. Eventually I was told they would keep me overnight then release me to the custody of my ‘family.’

After I drank quite a bit of water I was ‘allowed’ visitors. Not that I had any desire for those, but I could pretend to be pleasant while the nurses were in the room.

Sarah came in first. She looked pissed. “You don’t walk out of my home. You don’t get to kill yourself.”

“You made your choice. You invited the one who murdered my best friend into your home. Into your bed. Why would I want to stay there?”

“John. After all we’ve shared why would you decide I don’t have your best interests at heart?”

“The minute you took away my home. By inviting the bitch into it.”

“You need to talk to her. She wants to make things better. Hear her out.”

“She murdered Heather. She murdered my best friend.”

“Just talk to her. Please.”

“Whatever. Get out and don’t talk to me again.”

Amy and Sylvie Came in next. They were too close. Half the nurses had to be weirded out.

Amy sounded upset, “Why would you do that?”

Sylvie was more even, “Weren’t we making things better? We were trying.”

Amy pleaded, “Please ... say something.”

I lay there and stared at them. I just needed to make it through the night.

Sylvie took her turn, “Please, talk to us.”

Amy tried to placate me, “I’m sorry I talked to Sarah, but let me tell you what we talked about, please. She and the family are the only one who knows.”

“New deal. I’ll hear you out, but after you never speak to me again. If in twenty years you happen to be in whatever city I’m in and see me on the street you cross it. I’ll listen to you, but only once.”

“The old deal is still in place.”

“No, it’s not.”

“We both agreed to it. You don’t get to end it...”

Sylvie helped her out, “Unilaterally.”

“Yes, you don’t get to end it unilaterally.”

“Just leave, please.” They hurried out.

Helen and Daisy came in next.

Daisy set on the edge of the bed and put her hand on my thigh, “Are you okay, baby? Can Mama help?”

“I’m fine and the walls are glass so whatever you’re thinking is a dumb idea.”

Helen offered, “I’m sorry. If this was in any way about Christmas, I swear we were just distracted.”

“I don’t care about the lack of presents. You had five years to pretend to give a shit. You ran out of time. Just move on so I can get out of here. You’ll get what you wanted after that. I have housing lined up. Just pack a few essentials and in a few months time. I’ll be at my preferred college with a brand-new name and absolutely no reason to come back here.”

The yelled and squabbled. Daisy cried. Eventually they left.

Annie came in by herself.

“Hey, big bro.”

“Annie.”

“Did you like the gift?”

“I haven’t opened it.”

“Oh, it’s a banshee model. I remember you used to like Halo. How come you don’t have a console anymore? I noticed when you ... when we um...”

“You spilled soda on your Xbox. They came downstairs and took the one I bought for myself with my money I’d earned from working and gave it to you. They said they’d replace yours and I’d get mine back. That was a few years ago. I never felt the urge to buy any other games or consoles, cause I didn’t want to waste money on something I wouldn’t get to keep. I don’t know if they replaced your or not, but I never got mine back.”

She looked pained. “I didn’t know. I blanked the hard drive so I can download my stuff again. I didn’t know it was yours. When they got me the better model I kept it as back up.”

“That’s fine. Can you go? I need some sleep, so that I’ll be in a good mood when the nurses wake me up to give me meds.” She left. I briefly wondered if Jenn and Pete were going to make an appearance, but assumed they’d found something better to do.

Tomorrow turned out to mean 6 pm tomorrow. They treated my ligature marks, kept me stocked on fluids and fed me something that was allegedly chicken and dumplings, but I assumed had croaked in its waking life. Eventually the Bitch showed up and signed my release papers. I was wheeled out and her red Lexus was pulled around. I got in.

“Here’s how things are going to be.”

“I told you. You can talk once, then you don’t talk to me again. If this is that conversation get it over with.”

“Fucking asshole.”

“I already did fuck your asshole.”

“I love you! You miserable bastard.”

“K. I love lobster as much as you love me.”

“You’re allergic to lobster.”

“Can we stop and get some? I’ve got a craving. We can see how many I can eat before my throat swells up. I’ll need to borrow Annie’s epipen and toss it in the lake first though. Since I buy my own stuff, I luckily couldn’t afford one.”

“I’m in love with you. I was in love with you. I teased Heather because I thought you were crushing on her and I wanted you for me and just me. I taped her and played it at the assembly cause I thought she was cheating on you. You were supposed to dump her and run to me. Then you hit me. And I hated you. Till I found out why you hated me. Till I found out you tried to kill yourself and all that emotion came back. I wanted to marry you when we were old enough. I think that’s why you got ostracized.

James kept saying you weren’t interested in doing stuff with the family. Didn’t want to go on vacations. That you were a boy, so you had to be self-sufficient. That boys didn’t need much, but you needed to toughen up. That no boy would want to hang out with a bunch of girls all the time. I didn’t even realize he kept bringing Mark on all those things you were excluded from. I think it was intentional cause they wanted to keep you away from me after I turned 16, so they could fuck me more often. Cause until you hit me, I was head over heels for you, little brother. You were supposed to be my husband. We were going to have kids and a nice little ranch style house and a cat.”
“I have no reason to believe you. Even if I did that’s obsession, not love. If you’d loved me harassing my friends after I begged you to stop wouldn’t have crossed your mind. If you’d loved me, you wouldn’t have tried to rape me. If you’d loved me you wouldn’t have invaded my space. If you’d loved me, you would have paid any attention to how I felt during the last five years.”

“Sarah believed me.”

“That’s what you told her?”

“Yes. I’m sorry that her accepting me into her home Suggesting I join you two for Christmas night hurt you so much. She told me ... how she took your virginity. How you cried for hours about how we treated you and I realized how important she, her home, and especially Christmas with her was. I’m sorry I ruined that for you. I just wanted to tell you how I feel. I wanted to apologize for everything. I wanted to offer myself to you as more than a fucktoy.”

“You killed Heather.”

“I know ... I swear I didn’t know her parents were like that. I didn’t know she’d killed herself. I just wanted her to stop hanging out with you cause I wanted you to myself.”

“There is a problem with your logic. If you thought she cheated on me ... why play it in front of the assembly? Why not just come to me? Why not ask what I wanted done? You intended to humiliate her, regardless of the outcome ... regardless of your motivation. Even if you didn’t know the full consequences of your actions that is a horrendous thing to do.”

“I ... I thought embarrassing her would help keep her away from you.”

“Even if you’re being honest. I don’t know if I can forgive you. You killed my best friend. You caused me five years of hell. And it got worse when you tried to fix things.”

She pulled down her blouse. “I’m still wearing your collar. I’ll always wear it. I’m yours. Regardless of what you do with me. I just want the chance to make things up to you. If the only way I can be with you is for you to treat me like a slave. That’s fine. Beat me, strangle me, fuck me, whatever you want. I can’t take back the last five years. I can’t bring Heather back. But I do love you. And I want to be with you in any capacity I can.”

“Ok.”

“You’ll keep me?”

“No. Were you even listening to this conversation? No, I won’t keep you. I said ‘okay’ because, I heard you. I’ll need time to process it. Did you sleep with Sarah?”

“No. She wasn’t interested when she saw the way you looked at her before you left. She didn’t know you’d take it that badly, she just wanted you to hear me out in a safe place.”