SEVEN

“Couldn’t leave well enough alone, Lucifer?”

Lucifer awoke when he heard the voice, standing up and looking around.

“You said your creations would have free will. I simply showed Eve the true meaning of free will.”

“You tempted with superior knowledge and charm!”

“Go away, you bore me,” and with that, Lucifer started to walk away.

A single lightning bolt appeared and struck Lucifer, dissolving the man and leaving a serpent in his place.

“I cannot rid the Earth of you, Lucifer, but I can make you suffer. You will now crawl below the lowest beast and through the waste and excrement of Earth’s animals. You will speak with a forked tongue so that all will know you are the Devil. You will be so disgusting and vile that you will not be able to stand your own skin and will shed it. You, Lucifer, are damned!”

And with that, Lucifer crawled out of the Garden of Eden, and so began the time of humans on Earth.

{h2}I am Satan, and this is my story

{h4c}by ahorsewithnoname

Call me Ishmael. Well, maybe not. But how about Genghis Khan?

Caligula. Mengele. Bin Laden. Robespierre. Atilla the Hun.

I’ve been them all, and many others. I’ve lived a thousand lifetimes since the fool Adam and his wife were banished from the Garden of Eden by Him. I’ve caused countless deaths, and unimaginable suffering, and have simply been the bane of humanity. If I were a man I would have been driven insane by humanity’s cries for mercy.

Yes, I am Abaddon, and Beelzebub, the Destroyer, Lucifer, the Prince of Darkness (I particularly like that one), the Father of all Lies, Satan, and the Antichrist.

But you know, it wasn’t always that way. You would be surprised to hear the story of treachery, of backstabbing, of the politics that got me to where I am now. Most don’t want to hear it. They read a book by its cover. “Satan?” and then they run off in a panic.

Since time is running short for humanity, what with Him getting ready to make another appearance, let me go ahead and put this story out there so that those of you with an open mind can have a glimpse into what took place oh so many, many years ago.

First, let me explain the phrase “Heaven and Earth” because there’s a lot of confusion. It’s one and the same. It is. The phrase “fallen angel” doesn’t mean that an angel literally fell from a height physically, rather, it’s metaphysical. It’s a fall from grace, not a mileage thing. Heaven and Earth reside on the same physical plane. Angels walk among you, just as outcasts as I mingle too.

Second, there’s even more confusion among you humans as to when the events in the Bible took place. You need to understand that time isn’t a straight line. It curves and bends and is much more flexible than most give it credit. You’ve experienced deja vu, you know, where you’d swear that you’d done this before or had this conversation before? That’s a time flexi, where your brain is shifting through the metaphysical temporarily. You’re not supposed to remember all the different timelines in which you exist. If you did, you’d go insane. Like me.

The Bible is a book, and like many other great works from ancient times, there have been many, many translations. You played “telephone” as a kid. You’d sit in a circle and someone would whisper you a few sentences, and then you’d try and whisper the same to the next person, and by the time it got back to the first person, it would be quite different. Well, hate to burst your bubble bub, but it’s the same thing with the Bible. Oh sure, the concepts are pretty much accurate, good vs. evil, but it’s much more of a metaphor than an accurate description of actual events. Take my word for it. Or don’t. It doesn’t matter. Life as you have it will radically change soon, and you’ll see more clearly.

It was a warm Spring day. You humans had not even been created yet. That’s another issue you have with time. Pete (you would know him as Simon Peter, or Saint Peter) got it pretty close when he said “With the Lord a day is like a thousand years, and a thousand years are like a day.” So after He created the Earth, angels inhabited it for many, many centuries. While He worked on crafting the landscape and then creating all of the animals and such, we enjoyed life.

It was a carefree life, full of fun and happiness and good fellowship and prayer and sunshine and love. Yes, this is me, Satan, speaking of love. I would not scoff at me at this point while I’m trying to explain lest I come and blight your family for generations.

It was during one of these carefree days that I came across a young female angel. Her name was Lillith. She was perfect in mind and body, and we played and chased and spent decades frolicking to and fro across the planet as children of a greater god would do. Except we were not children. We were His angels, untroubled by affairs of state.

Then one day, out of the blue, she came close to me and pressed her lips to mine.

Life changed.

We began to explore our sexuality. It was, in a single word, spectacular. The raw feelings one experienced as an angel ... you see, we don’t have “filters” like you humans. We feel the full brunt of love, shame, anger, despair, and so on. The vivacity of our unions was nothing short of cataclysmic. Can you possibly imagine the sensation of orgasm extending for days or even weeks? Probably not, but this is what it’s like for us.

We lived a thousand lifetimes of passion in every day.

And then darkness appeared, and life changed once again.

No one knows where it came from, or how it came about. We were never told. Perhaps He thought it would be a way to challenge us, to make us better, at least that’s one theory, the whole “free will” concept.

I’m not referring to darkness as a lack of light. Oh no, that would have been nothing. This was an inner darkness that penetrated our very souls.

Lillith, the love of my life, the giver of light to my soul, inexplicably began a spiral toward the black depths of Hell. She committed the most vile, loathsome, heinous of crimes against God, and I was forced to watch her expulsion from Heaven. The anguish I felt was crushing. My despondence knew no bounds. I begged him to bring her back and punish me instead. I offered everything and He would not budge. I pleaded, I cajoled, I implored, and supplicated. His heart was hardened.

I asked him to send me to her, to at least give me a chance to reform her, but again, all fell upon His deaf ears. Others approached Him on my behalf, but He refused them.

Finally, when the pressure was such that I no longer desired life itself, I snapped.

I decided that I’d had enough of Him and his righteousness and holier-than-thou (himself) attitude. I knew others were unhappy too and so I met with them and we plotted and discussed a celestial coup d’etat. At first, I thought it would just be me and a few others but over time, many hundreds of angels sided with me.

In the end, it didn’t matter. He was simply too powerful and had too many others siding with him. I did manage to get myself expelled from Heaven, but what I discovered, much to my utter dismay, was that while I still could roam the Earth, I was alone. I did not see another angel, did not see Lillith, did not see any of the other fallen angels. It was as if we were in some isolation unit, and that was our punishment: eternal solitude.

Or maybe it was just me. Maybe that was just my own personal version of Hell that He cooked up for me. I don’t know. He’s a vengeful person, that I’m sure of.

So was I wrong in what I did? I guess it is all perspective. Yes, the love of my life committed atrocities, but she could have been saved. She deserved a second chance. We deserved a second chance. And He snuffed it out.

Since then I’ve been on a bit of a rampage, you might say.

And I was ‘round when Jesus Christ Had his moment of doubt and pain Made damn sure that Pilate Washed his hands and sealed his fate

That fellow Jagger was pretty clever with his lyrics and almost nailed it.

I see you. I see all of you. I can invade your dreams, or burrow into your thoughts. You aren’t safe from me. No one is. Earth is my dominion. I will haunt this planet from now until the end. When tragedy strikes, look around, you will probably see me lurking in the shadows. I’ll be the one looking around at others, drinking in their pain, reveling in their agony. I am the bringer of death, and I’m exceptionally good at my profession.

I am misery personified. Do you think you are having a bad day? Go ahead, call out to Him, and see if He responds. More likely, I will hear you. And I will respond. I will help, help deepen your distress.

When you cheat on your spouse, I’m the one who helps you feel the twisting of the knife of regret. I’m the one who piles on the weight of overwhelming remorse when your spouse finds out.

The floods of 1931 in China that killed millions? I helped bring them about. The 2004 Tsunami? I triggered it. The 2001 terrorist attacks on the United States? I put the thoughts into the terrorist’s minds. Earthquakes? Yes. World Wars? Absolutely. AIDS? You got it.

And yet I’m willing to stop.

I am.

I have but three demands, and then I will cease and desist.

First, I want Lillith, the love of my eternity, returned to me, so that she and I may live together forever.

Second, I want immunity from His wrath, now and forever. I will agree to never cause pain or suffering again.

And finally, I want the letter “e” stricken from the English language. Completely and irrevocably. Gone. Finite. Arrivederci.

Three simple things.

And you thought I was kidding.

Talk to Him. See what you can do.