Chapter 2: Strange questions and revelations

Next day I get to school, pretty terrified. Mateo saw me for sure, I remember being right in front of him. But what’s even more terrifying is that I don’t remember what happened and then I was just away. I got to my first morning class, I don’t even remember the subject. I was pretty much in my thoughts having a conversation.

Me: “Did he see me?”

Me: “Of course he saw you, you were right in front of him”

Me: “Yeah but how did I get away with it”

Me: “Is it really important now? What’s important is that you got away. There might be a small chance that we’re good”

Me: “At least nothing was taken. So the worst we’re looking at is being on school premises after hours and I’m not even sure it’s forbidden”

Me: “Of course it’s forbidden. What did they have open doors yesterday or something?”

Me: “I’m so stupid...”

I know it seems strange but I really talk to myself like that. I got out of that conversation when a supervisor entered the classroom and called for me.

Supervisor: “Akira, Mateo called to see you immediately”

Fuck ... I’m done for... 100%! Why else would he call me in? It has to do with whatever happened last night. And I don’t even know what happened!

I walk up to his office and my only emotional and physical response is to pretend like nothing happened. I am really unable to come up with another strategy. I knock and enter into his office.

Mateo: “Hi Akira, have a seat please”

Same line as usual and at this stage it has two effects on me. On one hand I’m relieved, because it plays right into my strategy of nothing happened. On the other hand it pisses me off. Not exactly angry, but the chances of me getting away with this are close to nil so no need to pretend like nothing happened.

Mateo: “How are you feeling?”

Me: “Same as yesterday I guess”

Mateo: “You sure? You didn’t seem like quite yourself yesterday”

Yeah he wants to talk about it alright. I’m done for.

Mateo: “Who’s Bridget by the way?”

Me: “What do you mean?”

Mateo: “Bridget?”

Me: “I don’t understand”

Mateo: “It’s alright Akira, don’t worry. You’re not in any trouble. I’m not a tattletale. I just want to make sure you’re alright.”

Me: “I can assure you I’m all good”

Mateo: “I’m not so sure. Because yesterday night when I asked you how are you Akira? Your response was that you’re not Akira you’re Bridget.”

What the fuck is he on about? That doesn’t make any sense. On the other hand I really have no idea what happened. Did I really say that? And who the fuck is Bridget? I have no idea.

Mateo: “Relax for a moment will you. Let’s talk about something else. Do you mind if I ask you a few questions?”

It was my best option after all. Forget about all that topic and just switch to something else, so I accepted. Now I don’t remember all the questions exactly but I found where he got his list of questions. For each question you have to indicate how often this situation happens to you as a percentage. It felt very weird answering questions like that, but I did it anyway. Here’s the list of questions with answers I’ve given him

1. Some people have the experience of driving or riding in a car or bus or subway and suddenly realising that they don’t remember what has happened during all or part of the trip. Answer: 80%. This happens to me all the time I don’t even know how I emerge most of the time at the right stop. 2. Some people find that sometimes they are listening to someone talk and they suddenly realise that they did not hear part or all of what was said. Answer: 40%. This happens to me so often that I’m actually ashamed, and then I would pretend that I heard it all and just nod or say ok or something. 3. Some people have the experience of finding themselves in a place and have no idea how they got there. Answer: 10%. It’s either 0% or 10% with this and considering it happened pretty much twice yesterday it can’t really be 0%. 4. Some people have the experience of finding themselves dressed in clothes that they don’t remember putting on. Answer: 70%. It’s just one of those tasks that I often do on autopilot. 5. Some people have the experience of finding new things among their belongings that they do not remember buying. Answer: 0%. Honestly never happened, but would love to find new things in my home if that’s what it means. 6. Some people sometimes find that they are approached by people that they do not know, who call them by another name or insist that they have met them before. Answer: 10%. Can’t say never now as well with all this Bridget story. And what the hell kind of name is Bridget anyway. What am I Bridget Jones? 7. Some people sometimes have the experience of feeling as though they are standing next to themselves or watching themselves do something and they actually see themselves as if they were looking at another person. Answer: 90%. Can’t exactly say 100% of course but this happens so often that 90% feels appropriate. And it would be exactly beside myself or watching myself but more like I’m not actually doing what I’m doing. 8. Some people are told that they sometimes do not recognize friends of family members. Answer: 0%. Never happened to me. 9. Some people find that they have no memory for some important events in their lives (for example, a wedding or graduation). Answer 30%. It always seems like I forget but considering yesterday also sometimes I just never remembered it seems. 10. Some people have the experience of being accused of lying when they do not think that they have lied. Answer 30%. I guess it happens to everyone at some point. 11. Some people have the experience of looking in a mirror and not recognizing themselves. Answer 0%. Doesn’t happen to me, 12. Some people have the experience of feeling that other people, objects, and the world around them are not real. Answer: 50%. Not really like the world is not real in my case, but more like I am not in that world somehow. 13. Some people have the experience of feeling that their body does not seem to belong to them. Answer: 70%. When I’m on one of my autopilot streaks, it always seemed to me like someone else is doing that work. I just always thought it was the same for everyone. 14. Some people have the experience of sometimes remembering a past event so vividly that they feel as if they were reliving that event. Answer: 0%. If it did happen I don’t really remember then. 15. Some people have the experience of not being sure whether things that they remember happening really did happen or whether they just dreamed them. Answer: 80%. That is totally me, but more like did I say it out loud? Or remembering having a conversation with someone when in fact it never happened. Just thought I have a bad memory, or I’m just mixing things up all the time. 16. Some people have the experience of being in a familiar place but finding it strange and unfamiliar. Answer: 20%. Not really how I experience it but it does seem sometimes like the space that I’m in is strange. 17. Some people find that when they are watching television or a movie they become so absorbed in the story that they are unaware of other events happening around them. Answer: 80%. It either that or the complete opposite and I’m unable to watch anything. 18. Some people find that they become so involved in a fantasy or daydream that it feels as though it were really happening to them. Answer: 90%. Whenever I have one of those conversations with myself or I’m playing out a scenario it really feels like it’s happening to me. 19. Some people find that they sometimes are able to ignore pain. Answer: 40%. Not that I don’t feel pain it’s just sometimes, cleaning the house for example I would drop something or do something that’s supposed to be a bit painful but I don’t feel. I only feel it much later once as in that spot hurts now. 20. Some people find that they sometimes sit staring off into space, thinking of nothing, and are not aware of the passage of time. Answer: 40%. Either doing nothing or something it does tend to happen quite often to me. 21. Some people sometimes find that when they are alone they talk out loud to themselves. Answer: 100%. If I’m completely alone you can bet on it that I’m talking with myself out loud. 22. Some people find that in one situation they may act so differently compared with another situation that they feel almost as if they were two different people. Answer: 0%. This one didn’t really resonate with me. 23. Some people sometimes find that in certain situations they are able to do things with amazing ease and spontaneity that would usually be difficult for them (for example, sports, work, social situations, etc.). Answer: 50%. Not sure that sometimes I do something with incredible ease when it should be hard, but it does happen that sometimes I would do something easily and sometimes it would be quite difficult to achieve. 24. Some people sometimes find that they cannot remember whether they have done something or have just thought about doing that thing (for example, not knowing whether they have just mailed a letter or have just thought about mailing it) ... Answer: 90%. I have to triple check everything all the time to make sure that I’ve done something. Otherwise it just slips my mind. 25. Some people find evidence that they have done things that they do not remember doing. Answer: 20%. Last night alone attests to that. Although I still have no idea what happened during my black outs. 26. Some people sometimes find writings, drawings, or notes among their belongings that they must have done but cannot remember doing. Answer: 60%. My journal does seem to be annotated at times and I don’t remember doing it. I always thought it was my dad but he really swears he never touched it and honestly I’m not even sure why he would care. 27. Some people sometimes find that they hear voices inside their head that tell them to do things or comment on things that they are doing. Answer: 100%. Probably not actually 100% all the time, but pretty much as often as it could happen, it happens. 28. Some people sometimes feel as if they are looking at the world through a fog, so that people and objects appear far away or unclear. Answer: 30%. Not like a fog but as I mentioned earlier more like I don’t belong in that space or world.