Chapter 6: The Pope’s Balls

“Sweat saves blood, blood saves lives, but brains saves both.” – Erwin Rommel.

Bianjing, Capital of Song Dynasty China. October 1070

The HMNS Explorer caused quite a stir as she maneuvered up the Yellow River with the British flag flying from the stern. Fàn Zongshi had negotiated for a local river captain to help guide the ship to Bianjing, and due to the current and the lack of wind, Commander Morwenna was forced to use the ship’s steam engine. Thankfully, Zongshi had sent a message by horse relay to the emperor to warn him that the approaching ship was friendly and wanted to trade.

Watching from the bank, Emperor Shenzong of Song wasn’t so sure. He wasn’t the emperor who sent Zongshi on his mission, but he knew about it. Now Zongshi was back with the strangest ship anyone had ever seen. Even at the distance he was from the strange ship, it looked enormous, and a peculiar sound could be heard. That sound, of course, was the chugging of the steam engine powering the Explorer upriver.

Morwenna watched the ship’s progress from the bridge and was glad the river was deep enough for them to steam up it. The HMS York would have had problems, but the Explorer was designed with a shallower draft to enable it to go up rivers. Fàn Zongshi stood beside her to translate the guide’s instructions because although Morwenna’s Chinese was decent, this was no time for a mistranslation.

“Commander, you will have to anchor in the river; our guide says the water near the docks is too shallow for this ship.”

“Figures.” Morwenna snorted. “Very well. XO! Prepare to drop anchor. We’ll try to anchor as close as possible to the dock.”

“Very well, ma’am.”

After the XO turned his back to give the orders, Morwenna spoke quietly to Zongshi, “How does it feel to be home?”

“Pretty good. I look forward to seeing my family and hopefully getting them out of here.”

“If you need any help, just let me know.”

“Thank you, commander, but I fear if you try to help, it could be seen as an act of war, and although you have a mighty ship, you will not be able to make it out of the river.”

“Still, the offer stands.” She reached into her breast pocket, pulled out a letter, and handed it to him. “From the queen.” Was her answer when he gave her with a questioning glance.

From in front of them, the XO cried out, “Ready to anchor on your command.”

Morwenna nodded as she watched the ship’s progress. She wanted to anchor near the docks so the small ferry boats wouldn’t have far to row. Finally, it was time.

“ALL BACK FULL! RELEASE ANCHORS!”

Beneath their feet, the deck shuttered as the screws dug in. A burly sailor near the bow with a 10kg sledgehammer tripped the anchor release and got out of the way of the anchor chain before it ripped his leg off below the armpit as it went down the hawsepipe. The anchor chain continued paying out as the ship moved back downstream. Many people don’t realize that the weight of the anchor chain is what holds a ship in place, not the anchor. Soon, the anchor chain stopped paying out, and the engines were idled before going through the shutdown process; during their trip up the river, all the freshwater tanks were topped off, and the crew got hot showers.

It wasn’t five minutes before a rowboat came out from the docks and tied up to the ship’s side. The ship’s crew lowered the accommodation ladder, allowing the VIPs in the rowboat to board. Although it had been several years, Fàn Zongshi recognized both men coming aboard, so he knew his message got to the emperor. The first man was Wang Anshi, Emperor Shenzong’s chancellor, while the second was Sima Guang, a high-ranking Song dynasty scholar-official. The two men opposed each other, but the strange ship from across the sea forced them to put aside their differences.

As they climbed the ladder, a boatswain piped them aboard. At the top, the pair were greeted by a single row of British Marines in dress uniforms. British Marine dress uniforms consisted of black shoes, white pants, a blue jacket with shiny brass buttons, and red trim—their white hat with a black visor. Like in the Army, the Marines wore their actual medals on their chest, not the ribbons like on their service uniforms. At the end of the row of Marines stood Fàn Zongshi with Commander Morwenna in her dress uniform. Navy dress uniforms resembled the Marines but had a white jacket with white trim instead of blue with red trim. Outside of the color differences and other small decorations, all military branches used identical dress and service uniforms. Men and women wore the same uniform; only the tailoring was different.

The two Chinese VIPs stopped before Fàn Zongshi, but it took them a moment to recognize him since he had been gone for years.

“Fàn Zongshi, welcome home,” said Wang Anshi.

“It is good to be home. Allow me to introduce British Commander Morwenna of Cornwall, captain of the HMNS Explorer.”

“A woman captain?” snorted Sima Guang.

“Yes, she is an outstanding commander. She represents her queen, Marion I of York, and is looking to trade.”

Morwenna had been warned that her position might make things harder and Chinese officials would probably look down on her. She didn’t care since she could have gone almost anywhere in the world and gotten the same reaction. It was good that Wang Anshi was there since he was more progressive than Sima Guang.

“What does she have to trade?” asked Wang Anshi.

He recognized some of the weapons as ones that used gunpowder even though he had never seen weapons quite like the ones carried by the Marines. When Zongshi translated for Morwenna, she approached the nearest container and waved the VIPs over. Once they were standing in front of the container, she opened it to reveal fine cloth, pottery, metal ingots, and manufactured goods. The crew jokingly referred to the container she opened as “the store” since it had a sample of all the ship’s trade goods.

Wang Anshi and Sima Guang’s mouths hung open. Neither had ever seen such goods before, and Sima Guang quickly apologized to Morwenna for his earlier comments. The emperor was definitely going to want to trade, and Sima Guang didn’t want to be the one who screwed things up.

Zongshi hid a grin as he translated between the VIPs and Morwenna. With her no-nonsense ways, Morwenna quickly put the Chinese VIPs in their place. After being aboard for about twenty minutes, Wang Anshi decided it was time to go ashore with Fàn Zongshi and report to the emperor.

Morwenna watched them row ashore before ordering the crew to stand down but keep their uniforms at hand in case the emperor visited. After loosening her jacket, Morwenna returned to the bridge to oversee preparations to leave in a hurry if they had to.

Two hours later, a lookout on the bridge saw Zongshi returning with a small group of men and a woman, including the pair that had first come aboard. When Morwenna heard, she called all her Marines to the side and lowered the ladder again. Now, there were two lines of Marines in dress uniforms. From the banners flying, she could guess the identity of one of the men.

Zongshi led the way up the ladder, followed by the emperor. When they stepped on deck, the marines snapped to “eyes left” and presented arms. As the emperor passed, each pair, front and back, would snap to look ahead. After clearing the Marines, Zongshi stepped beside Morwenna. Emperor Shenzong of Song was right behind him, but if he expected Morwenna to bow to him, he had another thing coming. Like Luke, she didn’t bow to anyone.

“Commander Morwenna of Cornwell, may I introduce His Imperial Majesty Emperor Shenzong of Song. Emperor Shenzong of Song, may I introduce Commander Morwenna of Cornwell of the British Navy.”

“Do you know it is a crime punishable by death to not bow to the emperor?!?!” demanded Emperor Shenzong.

“I don’t bow to my own queen; why would I bow to you?” answered Morwenna. “Now, I came to trade, but if you do not wish to trade with me, I can take my business elsewhere.”

By this time, Zongshi wished he could be anywhere else instead of translating.

“You will never make it out of here alive.”

“And you will not make it off this ship alive. Now, are we done with this pissing contest?”

As the emperor was losing his temper, the empress consort stepped in front of him, giggling. She had been impressed with the British officer and didn’t want her to leave.

“My profound apologies for my husband’s behavior, but he is not used to strong women.”

“Then he would hate my queen. She is the strongest person I have ever met, and while I am a strong woman, I pale compared to her.”

The empress consort was shocked, and the emperor stood with his mouth open. Neither could imagine a woman stronger than the British officer in front of them. Then Zongshi spoke up.

“I would love to tell Your Majesties that this woman is telling lies, but I cannot. Queen Marion has a spirit the likes of which I have never seen before; she always gets what she wants.”

The empress consort shook her head like one does to clear the confusion. “So, you wish to trade?”

“Yes, we do. The goods in this container are but a sample of what we carry.”

With that, Morwenna went and opened the store. The empress consort entered the container and looked with wonder at the goods available. When she ran her hands over a bolt of fabric, she knew she would spend whatever it took to get her hands on every piece of cloth the British were willing to sell. While the empress was drooling over the fabric, the emperor looked over the manufactured goods. What stood out to him was every type of piece was identical, and some of the metal was strange. Some of the knives had beautiful light and dark patterns on the blades.

The fabric might not have been as smooth as silk, but it was dyed in colors that are unattainable with natural dyes. The dyes were another result of Luke’s chemical engineering knowledge. While he wasn’t sure how to make the dye when he started, he knew enough to work backward to determine where to begin. Once Luke had worked backward through the chemical equations, he knew he could make the dyes from coal tar. Many of the fabrics the empress consort chose first were fluorescent orange, yellow, and green.

After showing off the goods came the hard part. Prices needed to be negotiated, and that was outside of Morwenna’s job. The negotiations were turned over to a merchant on board named John of Brentwood. John was a very aggressive merchant who didn’t leave money on the table but had a good sense of how hard he could push and still leave everyone feeling like they had gotten a good deal. It took hours of negotiations before an agreement was reached for every bolt of cloth on the ship and several more for most of the knives and swords.

Rome, Papal States. October 1070

Andronicus of Bari looked down on the city of Rome with glee as it shined in the morning sun. His Byzantine Army had routed the Papal troops the week before as they swept northward. So far, the Byzantine campaign had been easy, starting with their counter-offensive in September. The few Papal troops were overrun as Andronicus’s forces swept through southern Italy. With almost all of the Papal Army being in Sicily, there weren’t many Papal troops to stop the Byzantine Army.

The descendants of the Romans were returning to Rome once again and were determined to hold the city permanently this time. What made this victory even sweeter for Andronicus was he received very little aid from Constantinople. His long-term goal was to conquer all of Italy before breaking with the Byzantine Empire and declaring Italy his.

Meanwhile, in Rome, Pope Alexander looked out over the city from the Castel Sant’Angelo and shook his head as poor civilians hurried to find shelter and the wealthy fled. Rumors had reached Rome of what the Byzantines had done to other cities further south, and none wanted any part. The most horrifying part was those rumors were mostly true. In other cities, even though the cities opened their gates, loot, rape, and pillage were the orders of the day. Any women found were guaranteed to be raped, with many of them being murdered afterward. If they survived, the rest of their lives would be spent in slavery or as camp followers. The men got off easy as they were just tortured before being killed or enslaved.

Since Andronicus couldn’t afford to pay his soldiers, he permitted them to sack every building and keep anything of value they found. This order turned the soldiers into nothing more than heavily armed criminals, as even barbarians usually maintained some order.

Standing next to the pope was Stigand, Archbishop of York. He had traveled to Rome on a pilgrimage and to have a conference with the pope regarding Great Britain. Stigand was interested in getting Marion reinstated in the church and cutting papal support to governments opposing Marion. When he set out from Britain several months before, Stigand never imagined the situation he would find in Rome.

Stigand had no reason to worry about the approaching army, though, because with him was a squad of the Household Guard, although nobody outside the group knew that. Marion had insisted on him taking the guards with him because she had some intelligence reports stating the Byzantines might try something, and the roads could be dangerous for travelers.

Commanding the squad was Sergeant Marcus Mylenweard. He had been serving Marion since late 1067, having enlisted in her army two months after he turned sixteen. Before Marion, Marcus had been the son of a minor noble in the midlands. His father passionately hated Marion, but Marcus saw an opportunity and enlisted in the army. It was a good thing he did because his father had been one of the supporters of the noble rebellion and was killed when the 1^st Division counterattacked. Once the dust settled, Marcus’s family lost their lands and power while Marcus changed his surname to separate himself from his family.

While Stigand was standing next to the pope, Marcus and his squad were in their quarters, cleaning their weapons. They knew they would have to fight to get out of Rome, and being the toughest soldiers in the British Army, they were looking forward to the fight. After cleaning their weapons, the ten soldiers put their uniforms on for the first time since they left Britain, having traveled disguised as Stigand’s servants.

Pope Alexander and Stigand were discussing the coming siege when Sergeant Mylenweard walked up. Seeing Sergeant Mylenweard, Alexander’s eyes almost popped out of his head. He had no idea Stigand had armed guards, never mind the most dangerous soldiers in the world.

Before Alexander could recover, there was a trumpet blast from the Byzantine camp. Alexander whipped his head around and saw the entire Byzantine Army in Italy bearing down on him. The army bearing down on him might have been only 9,000 strong, but it was still 90 times stronger than the Papal forces defending Rome.

“Archbishop Stigand, I think we should be going.”

“What is wrong, sergeant?”

“If you are hurt or killed, the queen will have my head, and I would rather keep it where it is.”

Stigand laughed while Alexander stared with his jaw hanging open. For the moment, he forgot about the approaching Byzantine Army as he tried to wrap his mind around the Brit’s statement.

Andronicus watched his army approach Rome, knowing the long battle between Catholics and Orthodox would soon end. His spies told him roughly 100 papal soldiers were in Rome, so Andronicus wasn’t expecting much resistance. He expected a lot of loot since the city hadn’t been looted since the mid-800s when Muslims raided the city.

The Byzantine soldiers poured into the city since the walls were unguarded. Pillaging was strictly forbidden until the city was firmly in Byzantine control. Once that happened, the soldiers would be turned loose to loot, pillage, and rape. Still, many soldiers stopped to grab loot in plain sight.

Everything was going to plan until shots rang out from the Castel Sant’Angelo. These shots were unlike anything the Byzantines had ever heard, and their soldiers began dropping like flies. Since the Castel Sant’Angelo was backed up to the Tiber River, the Byzantine troops could only really attack from two directions, the north and west, with other buildings cutting down their attack routes even further.

Meanwhile, in the Castel Sant’Angelo, the British soldiers were having a field day as their repeating rifles mowed down the Byzantine attackers. Stigand ordered his guards onto the walls to help defend the fortress, hoping to stall the Byzantines long enough for the Papal reinforcements to reach the city.

The reinforcements from Sicily comprised all the Papal troops left on the island. For now, the Muslims would be allowed to rule over the island with the few remaining Normans. Theirs was an alliance of convenience, and Papal commanders figured it would begin to fray as soon as the Papal troops left. Once the Byzantines had been crushed, the Papal troops would return to Sicily to exact their revenge on the Muslims who bled them so severely.

Andronicus was stunned when his first attack on the Castel Sant’Angelo failed. The spies told him less than 100 Papal soldiers were left in the city, but they had run into a hornet’s nest, which cost them dearly. As the soldiers prepared for another assault, Andronicus received figures for the first attack’s butcher bill. Almost 400 men were dead or wounded, with many of the remaining men beginning to wonder.

An hour after the first assault failed, Byzantine soldiers charged again with their shields held up to try and protect them from gunfire. By this time, Stigand had convinced the pope to place all soldiers in the Castel Sant’Angelo under the command of Sergeant Mylenweard. Mylenweard had positioned his Brits in a way they would have interlocking fields of fire, and between them, he placed the remaining Papal troops. He ordered the Papal soldiers not to fire until the Brits did.

At a range of 150 meters, the British opened fire, and the Angel of Death once again spread its wings. The attackers were being slaughtered as the high-speed British rifle rounds punched right through their shields like they weren’t even there. Even the Papal rifled muskets found success, although their heavy, slow-moving rounds had difficulty punching through the Byzantine shields.

Instead of punching through the shields, the Papal rounds hit with enough force to injure the soldier carrying the shield, causing the soldier to drop their shield and leading to their death. The second attack was driven off almost as quickly as the first, leaving an additional 600 Byzantine soldiers in the streets leading to the Castel Sant’Angelo. Any further attacks would have the added difficulty of traversing ground covered with dead bodies, thus forcing the troops to focus on keeping their footing instead of attacking.

The Byzantine’s main problem was they couldn’t bring their overwhelming numbers to bear with the river behind the Castel Sant’Angelo and the buildings in front of it. They were being funneled into the narrow streets, which left them easy targets for the Papal and British forces. On the Papal side, ammunition was a problem for the British since each soldier only had 200 rounds.

Alexander didn’t know what to think. Without the few British soldiers, he would have been a captive of the Byzantines, but the British were unnerving, especially the two female soldiers in the squad. They were just as fierce as the men and had already punched several Papal soldiers when they made rude remarks.

While the second assault was being beaten back, the first ships of Papal soldiers from Sicily landed at the ruins of Ostia Antica to begin their 25-kilometer march to Rome. It would take the rest of the day to land the 8,000 Papal soldiers and their equipment.

Two hours later, in Rome, Andronicus received word of the Papal reinforcements. Now, he was in a tough spot. If he stayed, he might capture Castel Sant’Angelo in a night attack, allowing him to pivot his army to meet the new threat. On the flip side, if he didn’t capture the Castel Sant’Angelo, he would be caught between a hammer and an anvil. His last option was to retreat before the Papal reinforcements could arrive, but his soldiers would be angry at leaving so much loot behind. If they took the loot, they would be easy targets for the Papal cavalry. Turning his army to meet the new threat without capturing the Castel Sant’Angelo wasn’t an option since the Papal forces there could attack his rear.

After agonizing over the decision, Andronicus decided to launch an all-out attack on the Castel Sant’Angelo in hopes of capturing it and using the captured guns on the new threat. The attack was scheduled for sunset, with the main thrust coming from the west, which would put the sun in the Papal soldier’s eyes while keeping it out of the Byzantine eyes. Smaller columns would advance from the north and northeast.