Chapter 64: Evolution

“I met a guy at UCLA.”

I blinked twice, stared up at Alice, and gave her a perplexed look. “Oh, is that all?”

Alice blinked twice, stared down at me, and gave me a perplexed look. “Are you upset about it?”

I furrowed my eyebrows and shook my head slowly. “Why would I be upset about it?”

“I dunno. To be honest, I didn’t think you’d be upset about it, but then...” Alice’s voice trailed off as she glanced up at Belle, screwed up her face, and gave the strawberry-blonde pixie a look that seemed to say, ‘I told you so.’

Now Belle screwed up her face and frowned down at me, looking confused. “You’re really not upset?”

Letting go of Alice’s hand and pulling my left arm free from Belle’s grasp, I pushed down on the mattress so I could lever myself up into a seated position. I scooted back so that the four of us formed an open diamond, and Mari shifted her hips sideways to sit down on the edge of the bed across from me.

Waggling my head, I looked at Alice and asked, “I mean ... did you sleep with him? Wait, don’t answer that.”

But Belle already pounced, “So you would be upset.”

I held my hands up and focused my attention on Alice. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have asked that.”

“Why shouldn’t you have asked that?” Belle interjected. “You have every right to ask that.”

“Can you please?” I scolded Belle without actually turning my face to hers. Instead, I held up a palm to the side of my face, symbolically blocking her out.

“I haven’t slept with him,” Alice stated plainly before I could continue. “I have no idea whether I ever will sleep with him. We’ve only run into each other a few times. He’s never asked me out. And for all I know he’s completely forgotten about me.”

“That’s not what you told us,” Belle cut in.

“B, seriously.” Now I turned to glare at her. “Can you please let me and Alice talk for five seconds? Or do I need to ask you to leave?”

Belle scowled, narrowed her eyes, and gave me a look that expressed her clear desire to decapitate me with a single glance. But she pursed her lips, exhaled heavily through her nostrils, and otherwise remained silent.

“Maybe I should start from the beginning,” Alice suggested.

“Yes, please,” I confirmed.

Alice let her head loll back and she stared up at the ceiling for a moment, collecting her thoughts. The rest of us remained silent – even Belle – and after ten seconds or so, Alice returned her gaze to me.

“So this starts with Seo-yeon,” Alice began.

“Your roommate at UCLA that you’ve been ... uh... ‘getting stress-relief’ with,” I commented, miming the air quotes.

“Right,” Alice confirmed. “But she’s not really a lesbian. Neither am I, but as you said: we’ve been getting some stress-relief with each other.”

I could see Belle lean forward and start opening her mouth, feeling the impulse to jump in and start rattling off everything she knew. But I shot her a look, and to her credit, she seemed to already be pulling back and covering her mouth even before I’d done so.

Alice glanced at Belle, smirked, and then returned her gaze to me. “So Seo-yeon met a guy that she liked. She’s met a few different guys over the course of the semester, and even went on a couple of dates, but nothing ever stuck until she met Byung-Ho. They had a boba date right after Thanksgiving. Then they had a dinner date. She said she really liked him, but she wanted to get my opinion before she let things move forward, and so she asked if I would go on a double-date with her.”

Raising my eyebrows, I began speculatively, “I think I know where you’re going with this.”

“Scott is Byung-Ho’s friend. They went to high school together, like me and Seo-yeon. They’re both Korean...”

“ ... Like you and Seo-yeon.”

“Scott’s the more Americanized of the two...”

“ ... Like you and Seo-yeon.”

“And we had a good time,” Alice said simply, giving me a shrug. “But that’s it. That was Friday night after Finals. Seo-yeon and I flew back home the next day. I don’t have Scott’s number. I have no idea whether or not he really likes me. I’m not entirely sure whether or not I really like him. The tension in the air right now really is ridiculous, there’s no reason we should be making a big deal out of this, and I wish I’d never even told Belle and Mari so that we wouldn’t be having this awkward conversation right now!”

“We’re having this awkward conversation right now because Matty deserves to know,” Belle stated rather coldly.

I sighed, glanced over at Belle, and didn’t bother attempting to tell her to stay out of the conversation. Instead, I simply gave her a weary look and asked, “I deserve to know what?”

“That Alice...” Belle began before swallowing the rest of her sentence with a gulp and an expression akin to that a person makes when choking back down their own vomit. She pursed her lips together and gestured somewhat vehemently for Alice to continue.

Alice made a face, muttering defensively, “It was just a fantasy.”

“A fantasy about another guy,” Belle couldn’t help but blurt.

When my eyebrows popped, Alice sighed and looked over at me. “Seo-yeon and I came home from that double-date alone. No boys. But we were feeling horny and so we took our clothes off and I pulled out BOB 2.0 and I started muttering shit about her imagining Byung-Ho fucking her instead of the vibrator and then after she came she started fucking ME with the vibrator while muttering shit about me imagining it was Scott and then we sorta turned it into a crazy foursome fantasy and ... I mean ... none of it actually happened so I really don’t think there’s any reason I should feel--”

“Hey, hey, chill, chill,” I encouraged, reaching out to rub Alice’s knee. She was flushed and flustered, still naked save for the towel in a turban on her head, with erect nipples and glistening moisture visible given that she was still in a cross-legged seating position. “I’m not remotely upset. Like you said: there’s no reason to make a big deal out of this.”

“See...” Alice told Belle.

“You still deserve to know,” Belle told me. “Alice is still your girlfriend, isn’t she?”

I raised my eyebrows and looked at Alice. “Alice is the very definition of: the ‘girlfriend’ title doesn’t really matter. Girlfriend or not, she gets what she needs from me, right?”

Alice nodded. “We’ve never been romantic, you and me, and we never will be.”

“I agree.”

“And you’ve always made clear that you didn’t expect sexual fidelity from me ... or from any of the NBGs.” Alice glanced at Mari, who blushed and scrutinized the tiny wrinkles of her clasped hands in her lap. Alice then returned her gaze to me and said, “But that said, Belle is right about one thing: you do deserve to know that I’ve fantasized about another guy.”

“It was just a fantasy,” I said with a shrug. Then I gestured around the three of them, adding, “It’s not like -I- haven’t fantasized about girls other than you.”

“But this was the first time I’VE ever fantasized about another guy other than YOU.”

I frowned. “That’s not true. I know for a fact that you’ve fantasized about the boys from H.O.T. Especially ... was it Kangta? Or Moon?”

Alice smirked. “Both. At the same time.”

“Well there you go.”

Alice shook her head. “Fantasizing about boy bands and movie stars is one thing. Shit, B, you told me you’d fantasized about Russell Crowe as Maximus from Gladiator while giving Matty a blowjob.”

“Alice!” Belle squealed.

I laughed. “It’s fine, it’s fine. I knew about that one already. And I’m sure there have been other celebrities Belle’s fantasized about.”

“But this was the first time I’ve ever fantasized about a guy I’ve actually met and could theoretically hook up with,” Alice pointed out. “Technically, I fantasized about two guys since Seo-yeon started spinning shit about both Scott and Byung-Ho.”

I narrowed my eyes, read my buddy’s face, and smirked. “That’s a little white lie. I’ll bet you were the one to start spinning shit about both Scott and Byung-Ho.”

Alice turned pink and stared down at the mattress between us, admitting quietly, “Well ... mayyybe...”

I sighed. “The fact that you felt the need to modify your explanation means you feel guilty about it. Even after I’ve told you I’m not upset about it, you still feel guilty. Please don’t.”

“You’re not his girlfriend anymore,” Mari suddenly spoke up, her voice a little distant. “He doesn’t love you like that, so he can’t feel betrayed.”

Alice, Belle, and I all looked over at Mari. Her eyes were unfocused, so she didn’t notice that we were staring at her just yet. But a moment later, she blinked and then jerked her head back in surprise at the unexpected sight of all three of our stares.

“I can’t help but think that you weren’t talking about Alice,” Belle drawled quietly.

Mari blushed and scrutinized the tiny wrinkles of her clasped hands in her lap again. And when her face took on a mournful expression, I spoke up and said gently, “Angel...”

At the sound of my voice, Mari shook her head and looked up at me. “We’ve already had this conversation.” Then she looked over at Belle, adding, “We’ve already had this conversation.”

“What conversation?” Alice asked.

“That at the end of the day,” I began, exhaling slowly, “all I want is for you to be happy. That you deserve to have a romantic partner who can give you everything that I can’t.”

“‘Can’t’? Or ‘won’t’?” Mari asked quietly.

“Angel...” I sighed.

“We talking about Mari? Or me?” Alice queried.

“Bit of both,” Belle drawled.

“Well the part about me should be a nonstarter,” Alice continued. “I’ve no interest in a romantic partner right now - not with Matty, not with Scott, or anybody else.”

“You just wanna get laid,” I concluded. “And if your primary source for stress-relief in Seo-yeon starts getting her stress relief from Byung-Ho...”

Alice winced. “Are you sure you wouldn’t be upset with me finding another guy?”

I took a deep breath, exhaled slowly, and glanced at Belle for a moment before turning my attention to Alice. “I’d be lying if I said there wasn’t a ‘Selfish Matty’ part of me that wants things to be like they were in high school. To know that each of you were mine - heart, body, and soul - that you’d never consider letting another man touch you. But we’re not in high school anymore. I can’t expect you to remain celibate between holiday visits. I don’t own you, and it wouldn’t be fair to any of the NBGs.”

Alice let out a breath of her own and smiled, her relief evident. I smiled back, happy to take that burden off her shoulders and content that we were on the same page.

“Fuck fair,” Mari spat, breaking the moment. “Ever stop to think that maybe some of us want you to own us?”

“Angel...”

“Look, I understand the logic of what you’re saying,” Mari stated vehemently. “I even apply that logic to Belle when I tell her that she can’t lock herself into a Matty-or-nothing mindset - that she has to at least consider the possibility that her Happily Ever After may ultimately be with another man. But love isn’t exactly logical, and do you have any fucking clue how much it hurts to hear you say out loud that you’re okay with letting me go?!”

My head rocked back from the unexpected heat in Mari’s voice, and my jaw dropped slightly open in surprise.

“I’m a smart girl,” Mari continued. “I’m good with numbers – ones and zeroes. Math, logic, hard science: that’s my jam. So it’s not that I don’t intellectually understand that when it comes to the hierarchy of girlfriends in The BTC, I’ve always been a B-tier girlfriend at best. Belle, Sam, Neevie: those three have always been your A-tier, even before we split up for college. So it’s not like I was ever surprised to hear you say you’d be okay with me leaving and finding love with someone else.”

“Please don’t take that to mean I’ve never been jealous over you. Does Gerald complimenting your shoes ring a bell?”

Mari sighed. “‘Selfish Matty’ would of course want to own me and every other BTC girl. But in the end you’ll always say you’re okay with letting me go.”

I grimaced and gave Mari an apologetic look. “And it breaks your heart to hear me say that I’m okay with letting you go. You’d rather I forbid you from seeing anybody else, because at least it would mean that I cared.”

Mari sniffed, pointedly looked away from me, and shook her head in mild disgust.

I took a deep breath, exhaled slowly, and renewed my apologetic look. “I can’t forbid you from seeing anyone else. I just ... I can’t. It doesn’t mean I don’t love you. It--”

“But it does mean you don’t love me like that,” Mari interrupted firmly. “You don’t love me the way you love Belle or Sam or Neevie. This isn’t news. I’ve always known this. I knew it before we had our first Girlfriend of the Week. I knew it when I came to visit for Thanksgiving. And I still know it now.”

I exhaled slowly. “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t apologize. I can’t blame you for the way you feel. Certain girls clicked with you better, that’s all. And I certainly didn’t help my case being the shy, meek one: hiding in the shadows of my more outgoing, more aggressive friends. They made the effort to take what they wanted - to grab onto your heart with tenacity and fire and promise themselves they’d never let go. Well, maybe not Sam, lately, but that’s a whole different story.” Mari shook her head. “I don’t blame you, and I don’t blame them. The only thing I can do is learn from their example and recognize that if there’s anything I want in the future, I can’t sit back passively and hope my Happily Ever After comes to me.”

I pursed my lips. “It’s not that you aren’t worthy of--”

“Yeah-yeah-yeah.” Mari waved me off. “I don’t need you blowing sunshine up my ass right now, Matty. I’ve always known you and I weren’t going to end up getting married. That wasn’t the kind of love you had for me. That wasn’t the kind of love you had for any of the NBGs. You knew it. I knew it. Alice knows it...”

Mari’s voice trailed off, but she took a deep breath and gave me a hard look that made clear she wasn’t finished yet. So I remained silent and waited her out.

Pivoting to face me, Mari brought her legs up onto the bed and then raised her knees to her chest. Wrapping her arms around them, she chewed on lips for a moment before letting out a long sigh. Finally, she shrugged and muttered, “Holly knew it too. She was the truly smart one who got out early before you could break her heart any more than you already had.”

The mention of Holly sunk a lead weight into the pit of my stomach. My whole body slumped, with my shoulders curled inward as I hung my head. I frowned, sighed, and felt my throat get tight. But I swallowed thickly and grimaced as I looked up at Mari, my voice strained as I barely managed to mumble, “Are you breaking up with me too?”

Mari pursed her lips, frowned, and hugged her knees a little tighter to her chest. She glanced off to the side, and without looking at me, she muttered, “Belle told me you broke down crying in Holly’s arms. Said you begged her not to go. If I tell you I’m breaking up with you, are you gonna break down crying in my arms?”

I blinked, took a deep breath, and exhaled slowly. I read the resentment in Mari’s tone, which actually gave me a sense of relief. And I sat up a little straighter, saying, “Why do I get the feeling you want me to break down crying in your arms just to make you believe that I truly care?”

“Because that’s exactly why I want you to break down crying in my arms,” Mari sniffed and shook her head, still not looking me in the eyes. “And what does it say about my place in your heart that you’ll break down crying over Holly but won’t break down crying over me?”

“Well first of all, Holly was serious about breaking up with me, and I already know you’re not.” I gave her a serious look. “You don’t actually want to break up with me.”

Mari took a deep breath, shook her head slowly, and then finally looked back at me. “No, I don’t,” she admitted.

“Oh, phew,” Alice exclaimed in obvious relief, her sudden outburst drawing all of our attention. “I don’t want to break up with him either, but for a second there, I thought I was gonna have to. Out of solidarity with you.”

Belle laughed. “Nobody’s ever going to push you away from Matty.”

“Thank gawd,” Alice declared, turning to Mari. “Don’t get me wrong: I agree with everything you just said about knowing Matty doesn’t have that kind of love for me. But unlike some of you, I’ve never had that kind of love for him, either. No offense, dude.”

That last part was for me, and I replied with a smile, “None taken.” Alice grinned and extended her fist to me. I bumped her knuckles, my smile broadening.

Alice then looked up at the other two girls. “Matty doesn’t own me, and I don’t own him, and that’s just fine with me. As far as I’m concerned, so long as I haven’t promised undying fidelity and ownership to someone else, I’m gonna keep riding Matty’s rocket whenever I the fuck I feel like it. I rather like our buddies-with-benefits set-up. Every girl should have a Matty in their life, and the knowledge that I’ve got that massive pussy-pleaser attached to my bestie and on tap whenever I get an itch is my idea of Happily Ever After.”

Belle waggled her head and pointedly stared over at Mari. “That’s not a bad philosophy.”

“Would that philosophy work for you?” Mari challenged, arching an eyebrow.

“Well no, not for me,” Belle admitted. “Matty does own me, and I like it that way. I’m an A-tier girlfriend and his naughty little sister rolled into one, and that’s never gonna change.”

“Great for you,” Mari said rather dispiritedly. “But unfortunately, I don’t have that kind of certainty in my life.”

“Angel...”

“No, no, don’t ‘Angel’ me right now, please?” Mari grumbled, shaking her head and pointedly staring away.

“You’re mad at me.”

“Damn straight I’m mad at you.”

“Even though you’re gonna say I haven’t done anything wrong.”

“You haven’t done anything wrong,” she insisted.

“Your logical brain knows that,” I said gently, “but your breaking heart has every right to be upset.”

Mari bowed her head until her forehead touched her knees, and she squeezed her skull with both hands while gritting her teeth, trying desperately not to cry. But the harder she tried, the more her body trembled, as if the strain of trying to hold herself together was more than her body could bear.

Belle slid over, wrapped her left arm behind Mari’s back, and hugged her BFF close.

“It’s time for your next evolution,” Alice muttered sagely.

Mari stopped trembling, and she picked her head up to look at Alice with a confused expression. “What?”

Alice gestured back and forth between herself and Mari. “We’re not in high school anymore. We’re not even really BTC anymore.”

“Don’t say that,” Belle interjected. “You two will always be BTC.”

“BTC alumni, perhaps,” Alice admitted. “Welcome to return and visit and go for a ride on the Matty-rocket whenever convenient, but we’re not current BTC.”

“I’m with Belle,” I added. “Of course you’re current BTC.”

Alice shook her head. “We’re OG BTC. Founding members. But I’m not the only one who thinks of this winter vacation trip as a BTC reunion, and by definition, a ‘reunion’ is a gathering when former members return to visit the old stomping grounds of which they’re no longer part of.”

“That’s ... not the definition of ‘reunion’,” Mari muttered.

“Whatever. Don’t argue semantics with me right now. I’ve got the concept of a high school reunion stuck in my head.” Alice waved her off dismissively. “We’re the NBGs for a reason: Non-Berkeley Girls. Separated from the main pack. We can come back and visit, but we’re not part of BTC daily life anymore.”

“You make it sound so depressing,” Mari muttered.

“Not trying to be depressing, just realistic,” Alice reasoned. “We were high schoolers; now we’re not. We were BTC; now we’re NBG. It’s simply our next evolution.”

“And what if I don’t want to evolve?”

“You can’t choose to NOT evolve just because you’re scared. You’re NOT in high school anymore. You’re NOT at Berkeley. These things are immutable facts for your logical brain. What you DO from now on is up to you though. Holly realized she had to make a clean break and move on with her life without feeling tethered to Matty anymore. I met a guy I’m interested in and might even date, while recognizing Matty as my buddy-with-benefits. Your next evolution is probably somewhere in the middle. You’re not ready to make a clean break right now, and none of us can tell you whether or not you ever will be. Maybe you’ll date around and do some exploration while keeping Matty in your back pocket as the dependable man you can always count on. Maybe one day you’ll find the right guy and tell Matty it’s completely over. Only you can decide for yourself what your next evolution is going to be.”

Mari looked up at me with tears in her eyes. “And what if I’m not ready to evolve?”

“Unfortunately, it’s already happening, whether you’re ready or not,” Alice answered.

“It’s just that every possible evolution seems to lead me away from him.” The first tears started rolling down Mari’s cheeks. “And I don’t want to go.”

“Then don’t go,” Belle encouraged, rubbing Mari’s back.

Alice winced. “Is that really the message you want to be giving her? To desperately hold on even though Matty doesn’t love her like that?”

“Then the solution would seem obvious: Matty just needs to love her like that,” Belle shot back. Turning to me, she added, “You already admitted you’d love to lock up all of us, own our hearts, bodies, and souls, and never let another man touch any of us. Mari’s already admitted she wants you to own her. What’s the problem?”

“The problem is that she’s at Caltech and I’m in Berkeley,” I stated seriously. “It’s not fair to her.”

“Fuck fair!” Belle protested. “You’re supposed to be the man who will always be whatever we need you to be. Mari needs you to take ownership of her. Mari needs you to lock her down, forbid her from ever touching another man for the rest of her life, and keep her all to yourself. How the fuck do you STILL not understand?!? Mari needs you to fight for her instead of just meekly letting her go!”

I shook my head in the negative. Belle seethed at me, her face flushed and her breathing hard. Mari was openly sobbing now and had buried her face in her hands. Alice stared at me curiously, waiting to see what I’d do next. And I took a deep breath before exhaling slowly, gathering my thoughts before I spoke.

“I AM being what Mari needs me to be,” I stated quietly. “Not what she wants me to be - not even what -I- want to be – but what she NEEDS me to be. That ‘Selfish Matty’ wants to lock her up, own her, and make her promise to be forever faithful to me even though we go to school five hundred miles apart and rarely see each other. But I won’t be selfish. I’ll put HER needs first. And that means letting her go.”

Mari broke down even harder, her sobs coming fast and fierce.

“I’m sorry, Angel. I’ll always love you, but I don’t love you like that, and I don’t think I ever will. Not through any fault of your own. You’re an incredible woman, and one day you’re gonna make some guy out there an incredibly lucky man. But it’s not gonna be me, and the sooner you accept that, the sooner you can find your next evolution. You’re already a brilliant, sexy, smart, and amazing young woman. But there’s a version of you still waiting to be discovered. And the best way I can help you become that evolution of yourself is to let you go.”

Mari suddenly pivoted, swung her legs off the bed, and was halfway across the room before I could even blink. Belle was immediately scrambling after her and nearly got hit in the face when Mari yanked the door open. And a moment later, both of them were gone.

Mari’s and Belle’s thumping footsteps echoed down the hall, followed a few seconds later by the sounds of another bedroom door slamming shut. The house went silent, even the voices conversing downstairs quieting in surprise. And Alice reached out to rub my knee.

“You did the right thing,” she murmured softly.

“I’m not so sure I did,” I muttered with a weary sigh. “If I did the right thing, why do I feel like I just did the exact opposite?”

Belle and Mari had never moved their stuff out of the triple bedroom, and after locking themselves inside there to talk, I had to admit I wasn’t sure if they’d be coming out again tonight.

Alice and I both got dressed and then headed downstairs. Zofi and Eva were still at the dining table, although they were simply having a conversation and no longer playing cards. Luna had apparently gone to take a shower. And the other girls were all still outside in the hot tub with a couple of bottles of wine.

Given the sounds of their muffled laughter that made their way in through the closed sliding door, I didn’t expect any of them to be coming inside anytime soon.

Whatever Zofi and Eva were talking about, they stopped their conversation in favor of looking up at me and Alice as we approached.

“Nice to see Zofi and Evil Zofi getting along,” Alice began breezily.

“Evil-what now?” Zofi queried with a frown, looking back and forth between Eva and Alice.

I waved her off. “Belle’s joke.”

“Belle got the joke from you,” Alice stated matter-of-factly.

“From me?”

“We NBG’s came up the Saturday after you moved in to check out your new house and have one last full BTC get-together before we all had to fly away. You said that your first thought upon seeing Evelynn was that she looked like Zofi gone evil with her sharp angles and death stare.”

I blinked twice. “-I- said that?!?”

Alice clapped me in the back. “Yes, you did.”

Now Eva was giving me that same kind of death stare, and I gulped while holding my hands up in defense. But a moment later, I smirked and said, “In all fairness, Zofi’s never scratched up my back the way you always do.”

Eva snorted and immediately grinned a wicked grin full of teeth. “Given a choice with coming off as an angel or a devil, I definitely choose ‘devil’. Being warm and cuddly isn’t exactly my thing.”

Zofi glanced at me and Alice. “Do -I- come across as ‘warm and cuddly’?”

“Well, neither of you come across as ‘warm and cuddly’,” Alice immediately replied. “You’re both cool, quiet, and comfortable hanging back to let others have the spotlight. But Zofi definitely comes across as more amiable and gracious whereas--”

“Whereas Eva comes across as, ‘Come within arm’s reach of me and I will cut you, bitch’,” I finished with a shrug.

Eva waggled her head and opened both hands. “You’re not wrong.”

Zofi reached across the table to squeeze Eva’s forearm. “You never came across like that with me.”

“Well that’s because they’re perfectly right about you being amiable and gracious,” Eva replied, patting the back of Zofi’s hand. “Thank you for being so welcoming of me.”

Zofi gave Eva a warm smile and then turned to look back at us. “Is everything alright with you, though?” she asked, obvious concern in her voice.

“We expected to hear the sounds of a wild-and-crazy foursome echoing down the stairs,” Eva added. “Instead, Belle started yelling, somebody started stomping, and a door slammed.”

“Oh, right. Well, Matty told Mari he’d never love her ‘like that’,” Alice explained matter-of-factly. “And that the sooner she accepted her Happily Ever After would have to be with some other guy, the better off she’d be.”

Eva’s jaw dropped. “He did WHAT now?”

“He realized Mari would never break up with him,” Alice elaborated. “So he broke up with her.”

“That’s NOT how--” I began while Eva simultaneously sputtered, “Wait-wait-wait. Matty does NOT break up with girls. Isn’t that the whole point of getting into a relationship with him in the first place? Knowing that he’ll never break your heart?!?”

“First time for everything,” Alice muttered.