Chapter 59: Time of Your Life

-- WEDNESDAY --

“I’m breaking up with you.”

There was that record scratch sound again.

I stiffened in surprise at Holly’s words, tightening my grip on her fingers intertwined with mine, suddenly afraid to let go. She was still pinned down beneath me with my dick slowly softening within her sperm-soaked snatch, so it wasn’t like she could go anywhere anytime soon. And yet it felt like if I simply let go of her fingers, I’d lose her forever.

It was a strange feeling, because a part of me had always believed she was a butterfly who would flit off somewhere else eventually. I’d promised myself that I’d set her free when the time came, back when I first let her into my heart. And yet now that the moment was here, I desperately didn’t want to let her go.

But I didn’t know what to say, at least at first, so I said nothing.

Holly didn’t say anything either. She didn’t try to get up, nor did she try to separate our hands, but she remained silently thoughtful, a resigned and weary expression on her face.

So finally, I spoke, asking, “Did I do something wrong?”

“No, of course not.”

“Then why are you breaking up with me?” I squeezed her hands, adding, “A few hours ago, you said you were happy to get any extra Matty time you could. You said that nothing in the whole world would make you happier than keeping me company. Did you not mean those things?”

“I meant them.”

“Then why are you breaking up with me? That would seem to be somewhat incompatible with getting extra Matty time and keeping me company.”

“I AM happy for any extra Matty time I can get, and I loved spending the last few hours with you like this. That backrub-slash-lovemaking thing we just did? Ohmigawd, I loved that.”

“Loved it so much you immediately decided to break up with me as soon as we were done,” I muttered dubiously.

Holly sighed, pursed her lips, and tried to gather her thoughts. Normally, I would wait her out, but I was feeling confused, so I went ahead and continued.

“Is this you pulling back again because you think we’re getting too close and you don’t want to get your heart broken? Was that last backrub-slash-lovemaking thing a little too good, and you don’t want to let yourself get used to it?”

Holly took a deep breath and exhaled slowly. She closed her eyes and turned her face towards the mattress, and before I realized what she’d done, she let go of my fingers and pulled her hands off of mine.

When I felt her trying to do a pushup, I took the hint and finally withdrew my spent cock from her saturated pussy, rolling onto my back. Holly rolled the other way, stopping on her side while facing me, with one knee bent and her head pillowed on her own folded arm.

“We’ve done this before: you and me,” she began softly. “I’m your girlfriend whenever I visit and then we break up when I go home.”

“This is your home,” I pointed out, gesturing around the walls of Holly’s bedroom.

“And now we’re breaking up.”

“You don’t normally go out of your way to tell me we’re breaking up.”

“But we still break up all the same. When I leave you, I’m a single girl who can do whatever I want without being bound by duty or obligation to my distant boyfriend.”

“So you’re saying this is the same kind of breakup? Does this mean you’ll be my girlfriend again the next time you come visit Berkeley?”

Holly frowned, took a deep breath, and shook her head. “I don’t think I should visit Berkeley anymore.”

“Why NOT?” I asked a little more roughly than I’d intended.

“Matty ... please.” Holly shrugged.

I closed my eyes and fought to keep my emotions under control. Holly waited patiently while I took deep breaths, exhaling slower and slower while doing my best to calm my racing heartbeat. It took a minute, but eventually I opened my eyes again to look at her.

“Why does this feel a little more permanent than the last dozen times we broke up?” I asked her.

“Because it is,” Holly said quietly. “I think it’s time we broke up for good.”

“You mean like when we broke up after Santa Cruz and you spent a month away but then came back to rejoin The BTC at Prom, right? That kind of ‘for good’?”

I knew I was grasping at straws, and so did she. Holly gave me a kind-hearted look, but she shook her head in the negative. “You know I really mean for good.”

I shook my head, scowled, and then stated somewhat arrogantly, “You’ll be back before the end of January.”

“Not this time.”

I narrowed my eyes. “And what if I said I don’t want to break up, hmm? What if I said I’m not letting you go? You’re my girlfriend, you’ve always been my girlfriend, and I want you to continue being my girlfriend, because that’s how much you mean to me.”

“Do you really mean all that? Or is this just a hypothetical?”

“Look, I’m not trying to tie you down. I’m not asking you for eternal fidelity. If you want to socialize and have fun and enjoy being single without being bound by duty or obligation to your distant boyfriend, that’s fine with me. But please don’t say this is a permanent breakup and that you’re never coming back. Please?”

“I think it’s time, Matty.”

“You want me to fight for you, right? You want me to reassure you that I still care, so you tell me you’re breaking up with me in order to get me all riled up and say I don’t want to let you go.”

Holly gave me a wan smile and shook her head. “I don’t want you to fight for me, Matty. This isn’t a test, and I’m not pulling a fake break-up routine as a desperate cry for attention or anything like that. Seriously ... I think it’s just time.”

“But why?” I rolled onto my shoulder to face her, forehead furrowed and teeth clenched.

She extended her free hand out to me, and when I took it, she interlaced our fingers again. “This afternoon was amazing, but it was also a reminder of what I’ll never be able to get from you on a regular basis.”

“So it was a little too good, and you don’t want to let yourself get used to it.”

“It WAS a little too good,” Holly admitted before pulling her hand away again. “I was supposed to keep myself from getting too emotionally intimate with you, but it happened anyway. I had a plan to keep my heart from getting broken, but I’ve never been really good at sticking to plans.”

“You’re allowed to fall in love with me, you know.”

“To what end? What chance do I have when you’ve got Sam, Neevie, and Belle up there at Berkeley with you, not to mention the new girls coming into your life. Your dance card is getting crowded again. All six OG BTC girls are back in town--”

“Seven,” I corrected. “There are seven OG BTC girls.”

“You only need six. Hell, you only really need three. You’ve got your inner planets living with you at Berkley and your outer planets coming home from university. But me? I was never more than Pluto, some strange little planet that barely qualifies as a planet orbiting out in the distance. And with Eva, Izzy, Luna, and Lily hanging around, it only--”

“Izzy and Lily both moved on from The BTC,” I interrupted. “They both just hung out with us for that end-of-the-semester party. Luna’s a lesbian and just a friend.”

“Doesn’t matter. You’ve still got plenty on your plate without worrying about that girl down at San Jose State who has always hopped around from flower to flower like a nomadic butterfly. Plus now you’ve got this thing with Skylar?” Holly gave me that wan smile again and shook her head before stating softly, “You don’t need me.”

I opened my mouth to immediately refute that statement, a reflexive instinct to insist that I DID need her.

But did I?

Did I really?

“You don’t need me,” Holly repeated with a tone of resignation. “You never did. Not when you’ve got better options right in front of you. I couldn’t even have my little guitar thing go right.”

I blinked. “Wait, what?”

Holly sighed a melancholy sigh and looked away from me, shaking her head slowly. “I put all that work into learning the Green Day song only to have Eva bust out an absolutely incredible rendition of Black Balloon on the fly.”

I frowned. “Please don’t think Eva was trying to upstage you or--”

“No, no, of course she wasn’t. I understand what she was going through, and I know she didn’t do it on purpose. Still, I felt a little foolish – feeling proud of myself for a simple four-chord beginner’s piece and then watching a professional effortlessly make my hard work look like an afterthought.”

“You should be proud of what you accomplished,” I insisted. “-I- certainly can’t play the piece you did.”

“It’s just so emblematic of my entire relationship with you. It feels like a breakthrough is right there over the horizon if I just put some effort into reaching it. I let myself develop some intimacy with you – even surrender Personal Slut to Master’s control – only to find that it all pales in comparison next to the real intimacy you share with your actual girlfriends. And while Eva has proven that there’s room in your heart for more, I’m constantly reminded that I’m just short of measuring up.”

“Start visiting Berkeley more than once every couple of months and see how well you measure up.” I reached my hand to hers, interlacing our fingers once more. “I truly believe you and I can be something special together.”

Holly pulled her hand away again and shook her head sadly. “I don’t.”

My heart sank, and I didn’t try to grab her hand again. “You really mean that.” It was a statement, not a question.

“We had a great run, Matty. I loved the time we spent together, especially today.”

“I smell a ‘but’ coming...”

She pursed her lips and inhaled deeply through her nose. But when she exhaled, she did not immediately continue.

I waited her out for a moment, but then a thought occurred to me. “Are you bored of me?” I asked quietly.

Holly frowned. “What?”

“I’m just trying to understand, and you bringing up the Green Day song reminded me of something you told me a long time ago: it’s no secret that you get bored pretty easily and then move on to find new diversions sooner rather than later. So I find myself wondering: are you checking out of this relationship because you believe you’ll never measure up to my other girlfriends, and that’s why you won’t even try? Or ... are you a butterfly using all that as an excuse to cover up being bored with me and choosing to flit off to find new flowers.”

Holly stated seriously, “I’m not bored of you.”

“Is this a turning point, a fork stuck in the road? Some nomadic instinct inside you saying, ‘Hey we had a great run, but it’s time for me to move on, so I hope you had the time of your life’?”

Holly smirked. “It was just a song, one that my teacher suggested I could learn. The lyrics don’t have to have some special meaning for our relationship.”

I shrugged. “If the shoe fits.”

Holly sighed, took a deep breath, and sat up. I followed her lead, although I merely propped myself up with one arm while she sat cross-legged in front of me, completely at ease in her nudity, with a hint of color peeking out from her twin cherries tattoo.

“I really did have the time of my life,” she said softly. “Really, I did. Being part of The BTC. That special summer between Prom and the start of school. And everything leading up to this afternoon.” She paused and smirked at me. “Personal Slut will always love Master taking... possession of her.”

“And Matty will always appreciate the time he spent with Holly,” I stated seriously.

“Holly loved being with Matty, too.”

“Then stay with Matty,” I urged.

But Holly shook her head, staring off into the middle distance. Her mind seemed pretty made up, which gave me a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach.

“I’ll take the photographs and still frames in my mind and cherish them,” she stated, nodding her head. But then she stopped nodding and snorted, giving me a tired look. “I’ll certainly cherish them a helluva lot more than the actual photographs framed on the walls of this house.”

I frowned and briefly glanced at Holly’s closed bedroom door, trying to recall the framed photographs out in the hallway. Holly was an only child, and there were lots of photos of her growing up, in addition to the photos of her with her parents. “What’s wrong with the actual photographs out there?”

Holly shrugged and shook her head. “They’re all a lie.”

“A lie?”

Holly smirked. “Those photographs tell a carefully crafted lie trying to convince anyone and everyone - including the residents - that this house is home to a loving nuclear family. Father, mother, daughter: everyone smiling harmoniously - in a way that has nothing to do with reality.”

My eyebrows knitted together as I tried to gather up everything I knew about Holly’s family. I knew they were fairly well off, as evidenced by the big house we were presently in, not to mention however many rental properties they had like the Santa Cruz beach house. But I’d also barely ever seen her parents, and Holly had always said they never really cared about what she was doing.

Holly was shaking her head as she stared off at the far wall. “I’ve lost count of how many affairs each of them has had. Dad’s keeping a yoga teacher for a mistress and paying for her apartment. Mom’s banging the new tennis instructor at her country club. Everybody knows and ... nobody cares ... They’ll both enjoy themselves for however long it lasts and then move on to the next shiny young bauble that catches their interest.”

I pursed my lips rather than state aloud the first thing that popped into my head.

But Holly seemed to read my mind, or at least my facial expression. “The apple apparently doesn’t fall far from the tree, right? I know I’ve always been ... flighty. But it’s because I’ve always been flighty that I know for sure that this – you and me – this isn’t a situation of me getting bored of you, alright? So please don’t shit on my true feelings by insinuating otherwise.”

Hearing the heat in Holly’s voice, I immediately felt contrite. “I’m sorry. I told you: I’m just trying to understand.”

“I’m pragmatic,” she said defensively. “Always have been. I don’t lose my head wishing things were different with my family, and I’ve tried not to lose my head wishing things were different with you. What I feel for you is real. What I feel for you is special. But I’ve never been the kind of dreamer who’d believe that love conquers all and would throw herself headlong into trying to capture your heart no matter how hopeless the odds.”

I nodded my understanding.

“I’m only too aware that the situation we’re in isn’t conducive to building the kind of lifelong intimate relationship I know you want from a girl,” she continued. “It isn’t conducive to building the kind of lifelong intimate relationship that I deserve, quite frankly. If I’d gotten into Berkeley and I lived in that house with you and the other girls, maybe I’d have had a chance. Maybe. But I’m not at Berkeley, and I’ve always known it would be futile to let myself fall in love with you.”

“Which is why you didn’t visit more often.”

Holly sighed and shook her head, staring away from me. “Even so ... I still fell in love with you a bit.”

“I fell in love with you a bit.”

She blushed and smiled. But then she took a deep breath and sighed. “But I can’t let myself fall even more in love with you. I’ve spent this entire semester unable to really connect with anyone at school. There are cute guys, nice guys, smart guys ... a few that are even all three ... but I haven’t been able to even consider them - not seriously. Not while I was still in love with you. Not without feeling deep inside that I’d be betraying you. It sucks.”

I winced. “You know I’d never hold it against you for hooking up with another guy. Wasn’t that the whole point of ‘breaking up’ every time you left Berkeley? So you could be free and single and flirt with other people without feeling guilty about it?”

She snorted. “It’s a great theory, but one I could never really put into practice. Yes, I asked you to let me be single so I could flirt with other people without feeling guilty about it. And there were times I enjoyed talking and flirting and getting all that attention. But when it came right down to it ... I...”

Her voice trailed off as she searched for the words. I waited her out, not wanting to guess and provide words that wouldn’t match the true feelings of her heart. And in the end, she realized she’d already found the right words before.

Holly gave me a rueful look, sighing as she repeated, “Personal Slut will always love Master taking possession of her.”

“If that’s what you need, I can take possession of you again.”

But Holly shook her head in the negative. “Problem is: I can never take possession of you.”

I frowned. “What do you mean?”

“I mean that I don’t want to end up in a relationship like my parents. They’re not together anymore. There’s a piece of paper that says they’re bound by government regulation, and they file joint taxes, but there’s no love there. There’s no possession. There isn’t even jealousy. He isn’t hers anymore. She isn’t his. They’re two separate people who happen to have the same mailing address. And while I’ve no doubt that you’d step up to take ownership of me, I’d also want to take ownership of my husband as well.”

“And you don’t think you’ll ever be able to do that because of--”

“Because of Sam,” Holly interjected. “Because of Neevie. Because of Belle.”

I sighed and shook my head. “Why is everyone in such a hurry to get married?”

“I’m not in any hurry to get married, but I’m old enough to realize that you and I are a dead end. Could you and I keep doing what we’re doing for the rest of the year? Sure. Maybe. What about next year? Uhhh ... For the rest of my college career? That sounds really lonely. And for the rest of my life? No, absolutely not.”

“I’m not asking ‘for the rest of your life’ or next year or even the rest of this year. But do we really have to break up right now?”

“It’s time, Matty. Yes, right now. Before the Mammoth trip, even.”

My jaw dropped. “You’re not coming to Mammoth anymore?”

“I can’t.”

“But you’ve been looking forward to this all semester. All the other girls have been looking forward to this all semester.”

“I know I have. I know they have. But I can’t stay in this limbo any longer. It’s not how I want to live my life. My only two choices are to either give myself to you fully, try to make this long-distance relationship work, and hope that I can someday convince you to let me possess you as much as I want you to possess me...”

When she didn’t immediately continue, I led her softly, “Or...”

“Or I break up with you for good and move on with my life. That’s the fork in the road. And which of those two choices do you think seems more logically pragmatic?”

“Moving on with your life,” I answered glumly.

Holly sighed, bowed her head, and then pulled a curtain of silver hair back behind her ear. “I had the time of my life with you. The best time of my life. I never missed people or things I got bored of, but I’ll miss this. I’ll miss you.”

“And I’ll miss you.” I took a deep breath and sighed wearily, shaking my head. But then all of a sudden it really hit me how final this really felt, and it hit me how much I did NOT want this to be the end. So gritting my teeth, I looked up at her and frowned, stating firmly, “I don’t want to break up. I don’t. I hear what you’re saying. I understand the logic. But this hurts, Holly. It hurts. I don’t want to let you go.”

She smiled. She started chuckling, even.

“Glad to know my misery amuses you.”

“It does amuse me. Makes me happy, actually, to know that you care enough to feel hurt.”

I frowned. “Of course I care enough to feel hurt. But does that mean I should be upset that you apparently don’t care?”

“Hey this hurts me too!” Holly shot back, and only then did I realize there was already moisture in her eyes. She shook her head with a scowl, and when looked back at me, several tears were already rolling down her left cheek. “And if you want to feel happy about something, know that I’ve never cried over any guy except you.”

I hated to see Holly crying, so I quickly slid across the bed, wrapped her up in my arms, and pulled her into my lap.

The dam burst, both for her and then for me. All of a sudden we were both sobbing, chins hooked over each other’s shoulders. I shuddered, she shuddered, her pain amplifying mine and my pain amplifying hers in a vicious cycle that didn’t end until both of us were completely losing it.