Chapter 47: Squeak

“You can break up with the bitch.”

There was that record scratch again.

Time skipped a beat for a moment. I didn’t pass out or anything, but it felt like my consciousness had blacked out for a second, a blip in the visual experience of my reality in sync with that record scratch sound. And I found myself blinking as the visual experience of my reality slowly swam back into focus.

A reality that included a beautiful woman hiding beneath the covers and crying. I lifted the blanket and gazed down at her.

“I dinna mean that,” Naimh muttered, pulling the blanket back over her face.

It took me a moment to gather my bearings, but I took a deep breath and then murmured slowly, “I think you did.”

“Nooooo,” she groaned defensively and shook her head while abruptly jerking the blankets down to her waist. And I found myself momentarily distracted by her naked breasts while she whined petulantly, “It was an impulse. A wrong impulse. I dinna mean it.”

I blinked to bring my focus back to her face. “I think a part of you meant it.”

“No ... no ... no ... There’s no WAY I’d actually ask you to break up with Sam.”

“Except that you just asked me to break up with Sam.”

“Sam’s me friend ... one of me best friends,” Naimh insisted, control of her accent slipping again. “You breakin’ up wit Sam would break up this special group of girls. I told’ya b’fore I’d ne’er break up The BTC just to beat Sam, an’ THAT is the TRUTH.”

I closed my eyes, took another deep breath, and mentally focused on calming my racing heart before exhaling. And only after I felt like I’d gotten over my initial shock did I open my eyes to find Naimh looking up at me pensively.

“I know you’d never actually ask me to break up with Sam,” I told her kindly. “But the simple fact that those words came out of your mouth proves that we have a problem.”

She nodded glumly and sighed, slowly pulling the blankets back up and sinking herself beneath them like a turtle withdrawing its head inside its shell.

“I’m the boiling frog,” I muttered with a sigh.

“Boiling what?” Naimh poked her head out again.

“The urban myth.”

“Oh,” she replied with an expression that clearly told me she didn’t quite understand.

“I didn’t notice your growing jealousy,” I explained. “I’m sorry. I should’ve done better.”

“Stop apologizing,” she groaned. “I should be apologizing to you.”

“For what? For loving your boyfriend and wishing he’d be better about making you feel loved?”

“You DO make me feel loved,” Naimh insisted. “Always have. You’re really good at it.”

“Not good enough to keep you from being jealous.”

“I know you love ME,” she complained bitterly.

I cocked my head. “But you’re upset that I also love Sam. You feel like she doesn’t deserve my love.”

“I’m a horrible person an’a horrible friend,” Naimh whined, turtling her head beneath the blankets again.

“You’re not a horrible friend.”

“I am. All that should matter is how much you love me, and whether or not that’s enough for me. It shouldn’t matter how much you love Sam or Belle or Eva or anyone else, as long as I get what I need. An’ I do get what I need,” she insisted.

I’d heard the same set of words from her some time before. Well, not exactly the same set of words, and I glanced up at the ceiling trying to recollect the memory. “You once said it shouldn’t matter how much money the rest of us had growing up. It shouldn’t matter that we all lived in quote ‘mansions’ while your family was in a tiny apartment, that we drove fancy new cars while you had a beater Civic hatchback. So long as you had what you needed, it should be enough. And yet you couldn’t deny that some part of you would’ve been happier if the rest of us lived in apartments and drove used cars.”

“I’m not envious of the rest of you for growing up with money.”

“That’s a lie,” I stated softly, although I tried to keep my tone gentle. “And it would be a lie for you to say you’re not envious of how much I love Sam.”

Naimh pursed her lips and shook her head, her gaze pointedly averted away from me.

I waited her out, giving her a moment to collect herself. And eventually, she spoke.

“You broke me heart over a slip of the tongue. One minute I have me perfect boyfriend in me sacred core, iverythin’ in me life is perfec’ ‘cept for me da being a total arsehole, an’ the nix’ minute...” She spread her hands out. “Poof.”

I reached out to comfort her, which only caused her to flinch before she accepted my caress.

“One word, an’ I lose the most important thing in me life.” She closed her eyes, on the verge of tears. “An’ I’ve tried so hard since then, stressing out so much to be the very best girlfriend for you that I can possibly be.”

“You ARE the very best girlfriend. You’re a WAY better girlfriend than Sam is, that’s for sure. And that’s just one of many reasons why you’re Head Girlfriend right now.”

“But Sam gets away with putting no effort at all into your relationship an’ still keeps your love an’ loyalty. She lets a guy like Charlie put his hand onner waist, an’ somehow it doesn’t raise your hackles. You trust her witta boy you barely know that she probably sees more’n you an’ who’s half in love wit’her, but you dinna trust me with a boy halfway ‘cross the world who I hadna spoken to in months.”

I took a moment to digest that. Finally, I said the only thing I could. “I’m sorry.”

Naimh closed her eyes, and instead of reprimanding me for apologizing too much, she gave a short nod of acceptance.

“It feels like she’s the one you always want,” Naimh continued. “I know I shouldn’t complain about fairness so long as I’m getting what I need from you, the same way I shouldn’t complain about you living in a ‘mansion’ so long as I have a safe and happy home. But I just ... I can’t help wanting what she has. What I thought I had before.”

“You do have what she has. I trust you completely.”

Naimh just shrugged as if it didn’t matter. And part of me realized that in some ways, maybe it didn’t. My Head Girlfriend had been carrying around a burden for almost a year that I’d carelessly placed on her shoulders.

“I ask meself if I should treat you more the way Sam treats you,” Naimh muttered bitterly. “Absence makes the heart grow fonder, right? Maybe -I- should find a new group of friends out there, spend all me time with them, and only come home every once in a while. That way, you’ll believe that the merest crumbs of time I leave behind for you are so precious that you’ll drop everyone and everything to savor them. I’ll make you miss being with me so much that you’ll fall in love with me even more for me absence.”

“I wouldn’t say I love Sam even more for her absence,” I said defensively.

“Don’t you? Maybe you really do have an Oedipus Complex. Not the part about big boobs, but that you’re programmed to yearn for emotionally distant girls like your mam, like the way Sam is treating you now. And that a devoted partner like me will always get taken for granted.”

“I’m sorry,” I repeated.

But Naimh just shook her head.

I took a breath and rephrased, “I never want you to feel taken for granted.”

“Well ... I do. But that’s normal for you and your relationships with any girl where things are actually going well, I suppose. What was it that Alice said? ‘The squeaky wheel gets the grease.’”

Grimacing, I sighed. “I remember that.”

“Whenever things are going well with a girl, she gets ignored,” Naimh muttered bitterly. “It’s the drama queens that get all your attention. Poor Lily and Mari – both so sweet and uncomplicated – all they ever wanted to do was love you and be loved back like they deserved. But they never felt special, and now both are gone. Belle acts out like a spoiled brat and forces you to focus on her. And Eva was a wounded soul for you to fix, so she gets special Matty time even though she treated the rest of us like gum that had stuck to the bottom of her shoe.”

Naimh looked directly at me as she continued, “And just now when I kissed you, when I was angry and out of control: Admit it, you thought that was hot, didn’t you?”

I couldn’t lie. “Yes...”

“Damn straight yes. I felt more from you in that kiss than I’ve felt in a long time.” Naimh shook her head. “Squeaky wheel. We’re all squeaky wheels now, vying for your attention. I’m supposed to be Head Girlfriend, keeping The BTC on track and friendly, but in the background you’re sabotaging us by encouraging all of us to compete for your attention by behaving badly. If you don’t stop, we’re all gonna be nothing but a bunch of drama queens: me, Belle, Eva, and Sam.”

“Sam’s not a drama queen,” I insisted, and then I winced at the look Naimh shot me, realizing that taking Sam’s side right now wasn’t in my best interests. Still, I persisted lamely, “Sam’s simply ... absent. A wheel that’s not present can’t squeak.”

“A missing wheel is even worse than a squeaky wheel. You don’t feel whole without her. Fuck, -I- don’t feel whole without her. Sam’s the one who brought me into The BTC. She’s my mentor, my friend. Sam should be The BTC’s Head Girlfriend, not me.”

“And yet you want me to break up with her?”

“I don’t know what I want!” Naimh suddenly exclaimed, throwing both arms up into the air. And again she burst into tears.

I quickly slid back down the bed, slipped my left arm beneath Naimh’s pillow, and then pulled her with both arms back into a spooning position. She’d started trying to hold back her tears, but the dam burst and the river became a flood. Naimh shuddered in my arms, sobbing uncontrollably while I did my best to soothe her with stroking hands and soft shushes. But in the end, all I could do was hold on and wait for her to cry it all out.

Eventually her tears ran dry and I kissed the back of her head. When she went silent, I took a deep breath, collecting my thoughts and my words. And rather than apologize, I tried a different tact.

Taking a deep breath, I stated seriously, “I should’ve gone after you last night.”

“Ya you should’ve,” Naimh sniffled.

“I know now that deep down you were trying to get my attention, and you didn’t know how to get it without misbehaving yourself. It hurt you when I went after Sam again, continuing the same pattern and this time leaving you crying in the backyard.”

“Like I said: I expected you to go after her. I told you to go after her.”

“Because your brain told you it was the right thing to do. Because that’s what ‘Good Neevie’ does: she looks out for everyone in The BTC instead of selfishly thinking about herself.”

“Just like ‘Good Matty’ does everything he can to be the very best and most understanding boyfriend he can be instead of selfishly thinking about himself,” Naimh muttered to the ceiling.

“You and I are the same,” I stated quietly. “Both of us trying so hard to be selfless and take care of the people we love. And I’m sorry for failing you.”

She frowned and rolled back onto her right shoulder to face me. “You’re not failing me.”

“Aren’t I? What was last night if not a failure? If I’d been doing my job as your boyfriend, you wouldn’t have gotten upset with Sam or with me.”

Naimh now propped herself up on one elbow, the blankets sliding down the side of her body and exposing her heavy breasts. My eyes briefly yo-yoed down to them before returning to her eyes just in time for her to shake her head and mutter, “Stop that.”

“Stop what?”

“Being so understanding and forgiving. It just makes me feel worse for being a shitty girlfriend who’s being a drama queen for your attention. I’m the one who should be apologizing to you for getting mad. I was drunk and not thinking clearly ... and I wasn’t fair to either of you.”

“You had one bad night. That doesn’t make you a shitty girlfriend. And the night turned out pretty well in the end, didn’t it?”

She blushed, and I could almost see her mentally replaying the post-party orgy in her mind. But then she took a deep breath and refocused. “Just so we’re clear: last night was MY fault. You ARE doing your job as me boyfriend. You’re an excellent boyfriend – to all of us.”

“As evidenced by how my Head Girlfriend in particular has been exceedingly happy,” I deadpanned. “For one thing, I certainly haven’t done an excellent job of reassuring you that you mean so much more to me than just ‘the spare’.”

She closed her eyes momentarily and sighed. “I know I mean more to you than just ‘the spare’. You’ve done everything you can to reassure me. It’s not your fault that I can’t get let go of a rough patch we had almost a year ago and to let meself believe you.”

“A teenage girl has self-esteem issues,” I deadpanned. “News at eleven.”

Naimh rolled her eyes.

I gave her a serious look. “You really don’t have to be jealous of my other relationships.”

“I’m not jealous of your other relationships.”

“‘Envious’, then. You want what you believe they have: Belle’s forever family ‘little sister’ bond, Sam as my Aphrodite.”

“And your first love. -I- shoulda been your first love,” she muttered thoughtlessly before grimacing and clenching shut one eye while staring up at me with the open one, almost hoping I hadn’t heard her.

I squeezed her and stated seriously, “You were my first love, remember? Does ‘the most gorgeous thing I’d ever seen’ ring a bell? I wanted you from the moment I met you, and I would’ve pursued you if it hadn’t been for The Rule. You were my first official girlfriend, remember?”

“Only AFTER Sam got your cherry.”

“Well yes, she’ll always be my ‘first’ in that regard,” I admitted. “But you were the one I chose to pursue a romantic relationship with.”

“And then promptly broke up with me after the whole ‘Conor’ thing,” Naimh winced at the slip.

I sighed. “I’m sorry.”

“Stop apologizing.”

“It’s just: I know I hurt you.”

Naimh took my hand. “I forgive you. I really do. We weren’t ready for a relationship yet, and it just goes to show how shallow your love for me really was.”

I grimaced. “While your love for me wasn’t shallow at all. You really did love me.”

“I did. I just ... I didn’t know how to express it at the time other than with my body. I thought that by drowning you in sex you’d understand just how much I truly loved you.”

I sighed too. “I AM sorry about that, but I can’t change what happened in the past.”

“And you’re making it up to me the only way you can, by being a wonderful boyfriend now. Like I said: last night was my fault. I wasn’t being a good girlfriend. And I was being a terrible Head Girlfriend. But Sam and I, we told each other some hard truths last night. Maybe I should tell you a few myself.”

“Isn’t that what we’ve been doing?”

Naimh’s smile was brittle. “Truth: That for all my talk of valuing The BTC above all else, what I really want is to be The Greatest Love of Your Life. I want to hold you and kiss you and fuck you to absolute exhaustion until you forget the names of every other girl you’ve ever been with.”

“Okay...” I muttered while nodding slowly.

“Truth: That when you and I broke up the first time, it absolutely destroyed me. I can never go through that ever again. I hiked out into the hills to scream. I put my fist to my mouth and howled until my throat was raw. Sank to my knees and just kept screaming until I couldn’t scream anymore. Then I just sobbed, wracking gasps that hurt so much I thought I’d cracked my ribs open, soundless shudders reflecting my broken heart.”

“Neevie...”

“Truth: That I AM jealous of Sam. Jealous, not envious. I fear Sam taking away from me what I believe should be rightfully mine.”

“You don’t need to f--”

“I’m terrified of Sam taking you away from me, Matty,” she cut me off, turning to glare at me with barely restrained resentment.

“Take me aw--” I shook my head. “Where would she even take me?”

“I don’t know! I don’t even mean physically taking you away from me. I just ... I’ve put in the work. I’ve made the commitment. I’ve spent the time with you and the rest of The BTC. I love you with all my heart, and I want our roots to be intertwined for all eternity. But I close my eyes and have nightmares about Sam raising her hand when the priest conducting our wedding ceremony asks if anyone objects, telling you she’s ready to marry you now, and you happily inviting her on-stage to come take my place.”

“That would never happen.”

“It’s ALREADY happened. The FIRST time we were together.” Naimh’s eyes were shimmering with moisture. “Like you said: I was your first official girlfriend. But then what happened? I wanted to be with you, and Sam was trying to emotionally withdraw from you, and she STILL ended up with your heart! Who did you truly fall in love with? Sam. And maybe it was meant to be. You two really ARE amazing together. She’s happy. You’re happy. I don’t want to hold that against her, don’t want to hold it against either of you. But--”

“But you do,” I muttered at the same time.

“I want you both to be happy. Really, I do. It just feels like Sam always wins these sorta competitions, you know? She IS the competitive one, after all. I enjoy competing with her when it’s all in good fun, and when she beats me to something, I tell myself it’s no big deal. But then this voice in the back of my head whispers that only losers tell themselves that shite to make themselves feel better. It whispers that I should just accept being one of Sam’s bridesmaids when she marries you and be content with always being a part of your life rather than get me hopes up of ever being more.”

“Neevie...” I hesitated. “You know we’re too young to think about getting married. I didn’t exactly grow up in a house that made me dream of blissful matrimony. I probably won’t put a ring on anyone’s finger until I start thinking of having children, and that’s years away.”

“Right around the time that Sam makes partner and can welcome you back and have it all?”

“That’s not fair.”

“No, it’s not. But it feels true. The shite thing about that is: I can see a future where Sam decides her career is what’s most important to her, so she stands back to let you be happy with a wife who prioritizes you. But even then I’d feel like second place. I wouldn’t have earned the right to be your wife. She’d still be the one you wanted, only she was too busy for you and handed you off to me instead.”

I winced. “You’d feel like Sam still won the competition.”

Naimh gave me a pained look. “Why the fuck do you keep following after her like she’s a goddess made human on Earth? What’s she got that’s so much better’n me?”

“Nothing. Absolutely nothing,” I assured her.

But Naimh shook her head, and her voice cracked as she burbled, “I dinna b’lieve ya.”