Chapter 38: Past

The other girls didn’t notice at first that Eva was crying. The hapa girl’s face was buried in my chest with my arms wrapped around her, so perhaps they thought Eva was just being shy and embarrassed. Belle, Sam, Mari, Holly, and Neevie were effusive with their praise, even patting her back or rubbing her shoulder, but it was Alice who first realized something was up.

“Hey, hey, hey!” she hollered, hands gesturing downwards and then pulling Naimh’s and Sam’s hands away. “Stop, stop. She’s crying.”

The other girls shut up and I slowly rocked Eva back and forth in much the same way I’d done before that night in her bedroom when she’d first told me about her history with Kai.

“Did we say something wrong?” Mari asked in concern.

“Fifty bucks it was Belle who said something wrong,” Holly muttered. “Somehow it’s always Belle.”

“Hey!”

“You saying I’m wrong?”

“I’m saying...” Belle hedged, “that I feel free to speak my mind when I’m with my friends.”

Holly snorted.

The girls went silent, waiting us out. Eva’s muffled sobs were the only sounds audible, but even they subsided and eventually all was quiet. And after one last nuzzle of her face to wipe her tears against my t-shirt, Eva pulled back and started glancing around for the tissue box.

Naimh was already prepared, holding a box in her lap with two tissues in her hand. She extended them to Eva, who accepted them with a grateful nod, wiped her eyes again, and blew her nose.

“If you don’t want to talk about it, we understand,” Naimh stated carefully. “We all respect your privacy ... even Belle ... and if you’re not comfortable sharing what’s going on with the rest of us, then maybe you and Matty can go upstairs to talk about it.”

Eva nodded and sniffled, and the girls all backed up a few inches to give us more space. But after grabbing two more tissues from Naimh and blowing her nose again, Eva sighed and shook her head. “It’s okay. I can talk here.”

“You sure?” Naimh asked.

“You’re my friends, right?” Eva muttered. “Friends are supposed to share this stuff with each other.”

“Do you want us to go?” Alice asked, gesturing back and forth between herself and Mari, and then Holly as well after a second.

Eva gave her a rueful smile and shook her head. “If we’re friends enough for me to let you lick my pussy, we’re friends enough for me to say these things to you.”

The girls all giggled a little at that.

Eva took a deep breath, but she kept her head bowed as she gathered herself. I scooped her sideways into my lap, holding her protectively, and she draped one arm around my shoulders while setting her forehead down against the top of my head.

“Would you like to tell us why you were crying?” I asked gently, stroking her spine.

“Music always reminds me of him,” she muttered.

“I figured.” I rubbed her leg. “You only cry whenever you think of him.”

“It was one of our ‘things’.” She took a deep breath and then shuddered. “It was one of the things I left behind. I’ve barely listened to any music since then. I’m supposed to be moving on with my life. I’m supposed to be keeping myself in the present and thinking about the future. But I’m still haunted by the past.”

I took a deep breath and looked around. Six other girls stared at us, clearly curious but equally resolute not to interfere. I knew they all had questions, but knew enough to let me and Eva work this out together and simply be happy that Eva was letting them observe.

Eva seemed to sense that they wouldn’t insert themselves into the conversation. But rather than continue talking to me, she sat up a little straighter and looked around at the rest of them. “How much has Matty told you about Kai?”

Alice, Mari, and Holly all glanced around cluelessly. Naimh, Belle, and Sam looked a little more thoughtful.

“Nothing, really,” Naimh stated first.

“Nothing?”

“Matty let us know that he’s still alive so that we wouldn’t treat you like a grieving widow or something,” Naimh explained. “But other than that, all we know are the basic things that Lily told us after her conversation with your dad: ex-boyfriend, high school sweetheart, that you ... uh ... well tried to hurt yourself, and that your dad thought you’d be better off going to college here instead of staying on the island.”

“But Matty hasn’t told us anything else,” Belle began a little uncertainly. “The night he went over to your room and then came back all quiet, we asked but he said that stuff was for you to share only if you wanted to.”

Eva glanced at me, looking a little surprised. “I thought you shared everything with them. They’re your girlfriends.”

“I share everything that impacts them,” I explained. “The Kai stuff ... that’s personal.”

Eva pursed her lips, nodded thoughtfully, and then abruptly stood up from my lap. “I’ll be right back,” she stated with furrowed eyebrows and a sense of finality.

And then she walked out of the living room and out the front door.

Once it was “only” the seven of us, the six girls all turned their attention to me. Mari was quick to notice there was an empty spot on the couch beside me, and my Angel quickly moved to fill that spot by scooting her ample ass between me and Holly and then hugging herself against my side.

“Gotta get as much of this as I can before I have to go,” Mari sighed a little mournfully as she really put her muscles into squeezing me tightly. “Especially since it doesn’t seem likely we’re gonna be starting up another orgy anytime soon.”

“Ooh, good call,” Alice added as she moved to sit on the armrest and hug me from the other side.

“You guys can slide over,” Holly offered, getting up and taking Mari’s place between Belle and Naimh. And then Mari, Alice, and I scooted over a bit so that I was sandwiched between the two SoCal BTC girls.

“I’m sorry about Eva’s issues momentarily delaying us,” I apologized to Mari. “I haven’t forgotten that I never got your orange thong.”

Mari waved me off. “Neevie’s thong game was fun, but it’s not a requirement. We had sex plenty this holiday break, and while I’d love to feel your big dick you stretching my ass again before we leave, whether or not we have sex again isn’t such a big deal.”

“Says you,” Holly muttered. “I, for one, was looking forward to getting laid again with my boyfriend before I have to leave.”

“You live an hour away,” Alice drawled. “If -I- lived an hour away, I’d be here every weekend to get regular doses of Matty-dick.”

Holly gave me a sad sigh. “If I came over here every weekend, I’d fall in love with him all over again and never want to leave.”

I frowned and gave her a heartfelt look. Mari immediately gestured for Holly to come back and take her spot, but the blue-haired girl held a hand up.

“It’s really the same kind of thing you were saying this morning about staring out the window, knowing he wasn’t thinking of you. I’m used to it. I’ve never been Matty’s favorite.” She shrugged in resignation.

I frowned again. “I really try not to play favorites.”

“Sam, Neevie, Belle: those are your favorites,” Holly stated plainly. “Even before they came to Berkeley with you, they were your favorites.”

“It’s not that--”

“Look, I’m not dogging on you for that,” Holly interrupted. “Everyone’s allowed to have favorites. I like my mom more than I like my dad. I’ve always been closer friends with Sam and Zofi than I was with the others. We can’t ALL be truly equal.”

I sighed and looked at Naimh. “Can you explain to her the favorite color, favorite food, favorite song analogy?”

Holly snorted. “Riiight. Get your quote ’Head Girlfriend’ to back you up, Mr. I-don’t-play-favorites.”

I made a face. “-I- actually wanted to get rid of the Head Girlfriend title.”

“The BTC needs a Head Girlfriend,” Belle insisted. “Every group functions better with an acknowledged leader, and Neevie’s an awesome Head Girlfriend. No disrespect to Sam, because you were an awesome Head Girlfriend when you were in charge, too.”

“We’re getting sidetracked,” I interjected, focusing my attention on the blue-haired girl. “Something’s bothering you, and I want to know what I can do to help.”

“You can’t help, and we don’t need to make this about me,” Holly sighed and looked away.

Unwrapping my arms from around Mari and Alice to either side of me, I got up and moved over to the other couch. Belle popped herself up onto the armrest, giving me a spot to sit down next to Holly and give her a hug while she continued to look away from me.

“What’s wrong?” I asked gently, squeezing her tight. “Didn’t we have fun this weekend?”

“We did. Last night? When you were pounding my ass standing up against the wall? Holy fuck, Matty...”

I grinned.

“But that’s all I’ll ever have with you: a fun weekend here or there.” Holly shrugged again. “Me, Mari, Alice: none of us are full-time girlfriends. We all know we don’t have romantic futures with you. We’ll always be friends, and that’s good enough.”

“Your words say ‘good enough’ but your tone says you’re regretful.”

She pursed her lips and glanced up at me. She stared into my eyes, and I’d like to think she saw the warm affection for her I felt in them. And in a quietly sincere voice, she murmured, “Eva was just talking about being haunted by the past. Sometimes I find myself wondering how things might’ve been different if you hadn’t turned me down that first night after school started.”

“I’ve wondered that myself a few times.”

“Would -I- have been one of your favorites if I’d been your quote, ‘first’? Would I have fully joined The BTC earlier? How much deeper could our relationship have grown if we’d spent the whole year together instead of just the summer? Would you have fallen in love with me, at least as much as you’d fallen in love with the rest of them?”

I nodded slowly. “I would’ve liked for you to have been with us all year.”

“But I wasn’t. I only really joined up after Prom. Things turned out the way they turned out. And I ended up the seventh girlfriend in the pecking order, staring up at the rankings from the bottom.”

I groaned. “I don’t rank you.”

“We rank ourselves,” Holly pointed out, gesturing around the room. “We’re girls. We do that.”

At Holly’s waggling finger, Belle and Naimh blushed and looked away, while Alice, Mari, and Sam all shrugged and nodded.

Alice chuckled and said, “This is why I just never fell in love with you in the first place. No teenage angst staring out the window pining after you and feeling depressed at the thought you weren’t thinking of me.”

“I caught myself staring out the window a few times, but I never let that shit last long,” Holly continued. “I always knew I was the outsider to the original BTC. I even talked to Eva about what it was like trying to fit in with an already established group of close-knit friends.”

“Really?” I remarked in surprise.

“She actually asked me,” Holly explained. “She wants to fit in with the rest of you, but she’s not totally sure how. I know she acts all aloof, like she’s above it all; but deep down I think she’s just ... scared. And when she’s not sure what to do or what to say, she doesn’t do anything and stays quiet.”

“Well, except with Matty,” Belle pointed out.

Holly shrugged. “Matty makes it easy to open up to him. The rest of you bitches...?”

“Much as I’d like to take personal credit,” I began with a chuckle, “I think that’s only part of it. Eva told me she never got along with other girls back home and only hung out with Kai’s group of guys, which only led to the other girls making certain assumptions about her. She’d lost her mother at a young age and was raised by a single dad. Making friends with other young women must be a foreign concept to her, and she’s not really comfortable hanging around a group of girls. And I get it – I’m in the same boat.”

“Then you do a good job of faking it,” Alice drawled, gesturing around the wall of estrogen surrounding us.

“That’s exactly what I mean,” I stated, raising a finger and waggling it. “All of my friends are girls and I was raised by a single mom. The closest I have to a male presence in my life is Mr. K. Most of my conversations with guys tend to revolve around whether any of you are available. And up until you started shoving your tongues down my throat in the lunchroom or pulling me into the parking lot and janitor’s closet for quickies senior year, half the school assumed I was The BTC’s gay mascot.”

I paused to let the girls titter for a moment.

“What if in an alternate universe, fate threw me a curveball and decided to send me an acceptance letter to my dream program at MIT while also sending me a rejection letter from Cal? Imagine me starting a brand-new life clear across the country. And if I happened to fall in with a group of guys who were already close friends? I’m not sure I would’ve known how to handle that. If that circle had one girl in it, I’d probably gravitate to her simply because being friends with a girl is all I really know and understand. It’s my comfort zone.”

Mari nodded. “I get what you mean; I’m living that life right now. The boys at Caltech have been nothing but nice; but forming close-knit friendships with them is definitely NOT my comfort zone. There are a couple of girls I’ve made friends with, but I do sometimes find myself wishing there were more girls around to make my social life feel familiar. I miss being a part of a large girl-power clique like The BTC. And if I hadn’t had Matty to practice being comfortable with a boy, I’m not sure how I would’ve adjusted to being around so many members of the opposite sex.”

I smiled at my Angel. “I’m glad you’re making it work, but Eva’s got both the lack of experience AND she’s sorting through her ex-boyfriend issues. Holly’s right: I think she does want to be friends with you girls. It just doesn’t come naturally to her. Plus, The BTC has been together for so long and shares a powerful, emotional intimacy that can be a little intimidating to a newcomer.”

“I’ll say,” Holly muttered with a rueful shrug.

I chuckled. “That closeness bonds us together, but there’s a reason why so many girls who auditioned for The BTC back in high school decided it wasn’t for them and didn’t really stick around. And I know you naturally want to put the onus on Eva to step up and make the effort to bond with everyone, but you guys have to offer a few olive branches, too.”

Naimh frowned. “It’s not that we haven’t tried...”

“Eva said that you’ve tried,” Holly pointed out. “Sam’s never around. And from what Eva told me, Belle’s been as inviting and as cuddly as a cactus.”

My impish pixie blushed and shrugged. “We’re making progress. At the end of the day, I want what’s best for Matty. He clearly likes her - and she’s soooo in love with him - so I’ll do whatever I need to do to make it work.”

Holly frowned. “She’s not in love with Matty.”

Belle snorted. “Of course she is.”

“Not yet,” Holly stated, really emphasizing the last word.

“You’ve been around for one day,” Belle pointed out. “You haven’t seen the way she’s been around him all year: the wistful looks and pensive stares.”

“I was here back in September. From what I’ve seen both then and now, the wistful looks and pensive stares are from her internal conflict. They aren’t the looks of a girl head-over-heels in love with him, the way Lily was when I first saw her.”

Belle knitted her eyebrows and pondered that.

“Eva’s very emotionally closed off,” Holly continued. “And although I obviously don’t know the whole story, I gather it has something to do with this ex-boyfriend Kai. She’s too scared of getting burned right now to really put her heart out there. If you ask me, she’s still in love with her ex, and there’s probably a part of her that always will be. Eva doesn’t love you, Matty. But she’s coming to trust you. And right now, that’s more important to her than being in love.”

“I totally get that,” Alice agreed. “Trust has always been more important in MY relationship with Matty than love.”

“Cue the ‘Alice 2.0’ jokes,” Mari quipped.

Belle waggled her head. “Wasn’t Eva supposed to be ‘Zofi 2.0’?”

“Zofi?” Sam pulled her head back. “Eva’s nothing like Zofi. Unless you’re just talking about her physical proportions.”

“I don’t do ‘Anyone 2.0’,” I insisted. “Zofi is Zofi. Alice is Alice. Eva is Eva. Just like Holly is Holly.”

The blue-haired girl blushed when I returned my full attention to her, rubbed her thigh with one hand, and hugged her with my other arm.

“You will always be my uniquely beautiful, one-of-a-kind Holly,” I told her sincerely. “You’re absolutely right: things turned out the way they did and there’s no way of truly knowing how things might’ve been different. If we stop to wonder, ‘What if?’ all we’ll feel is more angst and regret. Believe me: I know.”

Holly’s eyebrows went up expectantly.

“I spent a lifetime growing up wondering, ‘What if my parents didn’t get divorced?’” I explained. “Every time I came home to an empty house, I’d look around and wonder, ‘Was it MY fault? Did I cause this? Was I not a good enough kid to keep my family together? Did my father not love me? Did my mother not care? Why was I always alone?’”

“Matty...” Belle said mournfully, and she leaned in to wrap her arms around my neck from behind.

“You were my everything, my Annabelle,” I told my impish pixie, patting her forearm while looking back over my shoulder to give her a quick peck. “You were my best friend before I consciously understood the term ‘best friend’. I’m grateful to your mom and Mr. K for taking me in. Your whole family was really great to me. And yet I could never forget how alone I felt back in those days, leaving your house full of life and love to go to sleep in that cavernous mansion all by myself.”

Belle squeezed me again, stating with deadly seriousness, “You will NEVER be alone ever again.”

“Well I did wake up alone this morning.” Belle’s face went white for a moment, but I quickly laughed and patted her arm, adding, “But don’t worry about that. I could hear all of you talking downstairs. I needed the rest, anyways.”

“I swear I will make sure you never wake up alone again for the rest of your life,” Belle stated gravely.

“Okay don’t get melodramatic,” I told her. “I don’t expect you to sit around watching me whenever I sleep in.”

“I wasn’t there when my mom died. I won’t make that same mistake again.”

I blinked in surprise, and arching my eyebrows, I murmured, “Didn’t I just tell you not to get melodramatic?”

“I’m being serious, Matty.”

“I know you are.”

“They wouldn’t let me be there for her. Said I was too young. I HAVE to be there for you when you need me. I HAVE to.” Belle took a deep breath, her lower lip quivering. “You’ve spent a lifetime wondering how things might’ve turned out had your parents not gotten divorced. I’ve spent a lifetime wondering, ‘What if my mom didn’t die? What could I have done differently?’ I should’ve taken better care of my dad. There was a woman he really liked: Stephanie. I ran her off. I accused him of cheating on Mom, and told him I hated him for it. I know he broke up with her for me – know he accepted that his daughter needed him to focus on her at the time. But looking back I’ve always felt guilty about that. Did I ruin my dad’s chance at finding happiness? Is that why he’s never brought another girlfriend home to meet me? Should I have convinced him to get married again so I would’ve had a stepmom and some kind of female role model in my life? What should I have done differently so that I didn’t feel so lost and alone in the world?”

“I swear I will NEVER let you feel lost and alone ever again,” I told her with quiet seriousness.

Belle smiled, and then she hugged my neck a little harder.

“We’ve all wondered, ‘What if?’” Sam said sagely, looking around the room. “I’m sure every one of us has a similar kind of story. What if I’d told my parents earlier that I didn’t want to be a doctor? Maybe then we wouldn’t have resented each other so much. Maybe I wouldn’t have been so competitive with my siblings, and we’d have grown closer instead of apart.”

“What if I hadn’t run off to live with Conor?” Naimh added. “Maybe then my parents wouldn’t mistrust me so much. Maybe I wouldn’t have to live with this guilt over betraying them.”

“What if I’d come here to Berkeley instead of going to Caltech?” Mari mumbled quietly.

“You all think too much,” Alice snorted. “That shit’s a waste of time.”

We all chuckled at that, and I remarked ruefully, “Perhaps. But then they say that misery loves company, so I think we each feel a little bit better knowing we’re not the only one struggling with regret.”

“Well compared to Matty’s dad who abandoned him and Belle’s mom who passed away, now I just feel like I’ve been whining over nothing,” Holly muttered with a wry grin.

We all chuckled again.

“Ultimately, I don’t want us dwelling on the opportunities lost in the past,” I stated firmly. “I’d really rather that we all focus on the present, right?”

“Agreed,” Sam stated with a nod.

“My father may be long gone, and my mother may have moved to New York, but that means I get to spend all of my time with YOU: the special girls I love more than anyone else in the world - including my parents,” I said with a smile. “I’m forever thankful that I got to share Thanksgiving with Belle, Mr. K, Skylar, and Eva. I got to spend Black Friday with Eva and Alice. And I got to spend this entire weekend with all of you. That’s a WIN in my book, and I’ll bet there are thousands of guys who would’ve loved to trade places with me for the past several nights rather than endure their extended family gatherings.”

“You’re probably right,” Naimh laughed.

“Our reality is that this is the first time in a long time that we’ve been together like this, but I’m sure it won’t be the last. Winter Break is coming up soon, and Zofi’s flying back. Holly, Mari, Alice ... that’s not such a long time away, is it?”

The three girls all smiled back at me.

“Now I’m happy to be a long-distance boyfriend if that’s what you want, and I’m happy to be your official boyfriend only when and if we’re together like this. Bottom line: I love each and every one of you in uniquely different ways. I am NOT giving serious thought as to the future at the moment, have no idea where any of us will be four years from now, and don’t want to get caught up in all the angst of worrying about it. Agreed?”

I looked around the room, meeting eyes with Belle, Sam, Alice, Mari, Naimh, getting nods of understanding from all of them before returning my attention back to Holly.

“I want to enjoy this time together whenever we can,” I told Holly sincerely.

Bowing her head, she mumbled to the middle of my chest, “And what would you say if I told you I wanted to be a full-time girlfriend instead?”

I frowned, not expecting that response. But I tilted her chin up so that I could look into her eyes, trying to read the sincerity in her gaze. And I intoned with reassuring warmth, “I’d say I’d make every effort to be your full-time boyfriend.”