Chapter 56

“I don’t understand why they aren’t listening to us,” Tori grumbled, running her fingers through her hair in frustration.

“Because we rolled like shit on our Diplomacy,” Rhia sighed.

The fifth session of the campaign was not going the way the girls had been hoping.

Rhia was right, they had rolled like shit on a couple of key diplomacy checks. The first two I’d had contingency ideas for - the guards at the gate of the fort hadn’t believed that the three adventurers and their woodsman companion were of any importance whatsoever and they hadn’t been granted an audience with the Princess, the Castellan in charge of the Duchy while the Duke was away, or the Garrison Captain. They had, however, still been allowed into the courtyard of the fort where they’d been presented to the local Sheriff.

Then they bombed a very easy roll with the Sheriff, managing to offend the man when they insinuated he was shit at his job. To be fair, he wasn’t exactly a character that I’d designed to be extraordinary at his job, but he wasn’t a corrupt son of a bitch either. He was just one man trying to do the job of what should have been an entire regiment.

Even then, I’d had ideas. They were in need of healing and food. The Fort healer was a Hedge Monk, a man of faith in the natural world instead of the Gods. What I hadn’t counted on was Rhia loudly disclaiming any healer who spurned the Gods, unprompted, to the man’s face. He’d healed them, since that was his calling, bringing them all back to half their hit points, but he didn’t go out of his way and he certainly wasn’t trusting their wild story about ‘an army of bandits led by a werewolf gathering in the forest.’

And now, after another disastrous roll, they had pissed off the cook when they tried to ask for food and managed to ruin the meal intended for those eating in the main hall that night in a Rube Goldberg machine-worthy chain of actions. Even if I was shocked at how poorly they were rolling, I was pretty proud of my description of that specific sequence that had led to the suckling pig half swallowing the lad who turned the spit as he ran around in a blind panic until he tripped and fell into the pantry and a fresh bag of ground flour.

Now the three adventurers, and poor Fergus, were sitting out in a corner of the courtyard looking for all the world like a band of beaten-down travellers who had been thrown out of the last three places they’d stayed and were gunning for a fourth.

“We’ve tried the nice way,” Elyse said. “What if we try the ... not nice way?”

“You mean we try to take over the castle?” Tori asked.

“I mean ... it’s not the worst idea,” Rhia frowned.

“Except it would be considered treason, wouldn’t it?” Tori asked. “Not to mention the fact that that’s pretty much exactly what we’re trying to stop Alexander from doing. It would just make us the bad guys.”

“I didn’t mean take over the castle,” Elyse clarified. “Just ... use something other than basic diplomacy.”

“Intimidation?” Rhia asked. “Like we start threatening our way to the top?”

“Or Deception?” Tori asked. “Lie our asses off until we get to someone we think will listen?”

Elyse sighed, rolling her eyes. “OK, maybe it was my phrasing and me trying not to be fucking obvious. What if we seduce our way to the top?”

“Ooooh,” Tori and Rhia chimed in while I covered my mouth, trying not to laugh. I’d had a feeling that was where Elyse had been hinting the whole time. Then Tori and Rhia both started grinning, and the three of them started scheming.

Olivia of Parnassus was bad at sneaking. It just didn’t come with the territory of any part of her being - trained Paladin, armed and armoured. Clergy of Revelry, God of Parties and Joyous Celebration. Bold Courage and Outspoken Empathy were her schtick. That made her great at certain things; especially at attracting attention.