Chapter 14

Fran could see how happy Suzanne was as soon as she and Andrew arrived but then alternated between being happy for her but concerned for what it all meant. Well, she could join the queue. But Andrew didn’t let it dominate the day and a half that he was there. They were excited about buying their own flat, and he saw the power of the Pink Pound for the first time. The two of them had saved so much money, and had been so fussy in where they wanted to live, that they were able to pay cash for their flat. There was no mortgage on their new home, which they were moving into in three weeks’ time. Suzanne was not going to bother unpacking much, less than half her stuff, and instead the three of them chatted away while getting boxes and doing some pre-packing. Andrew moved some of the heavy stuff for them in preparation for the move.

“Who is helping you on the day?”

“We have hired a local moving company. It is not much stuff and it is round the corner. You look concerned, why?”

“Just making sure you are safe. How well did you check out the movers? Are they known to the community?”

Fran looked taken aback.

“You think we would be in danger? Really?”

“For all I know they could be two guys like Dave and Gord, but they could also be like two guys from your extended family.”

Fran looked sad at the way Andrew was thinking but didn’t challenge him further. He had rattled her. At the end of the day they left Suzanne at the flat and walked down to the Mitchell to get Nikki.

“What should we do?”

“Find a male friend that isn’t 300 miles away and have him come round. Give the movers what they expect, get it done as quickly as possible and then send both the movers and the friend on their way and sit on the couch in your new flat.”

“Do we need to do that, in our own place.”

“For once this has nothing to do with who you are. If the two of you were just flatmates I would still want you to be careful. Nobody has to pretend to play husband and wife, just common sense precautions.”

Nikki understood and one of her colleagues was happy to be there on the day of the move.

“Why did you think of that Andrew?”

Fran was still bothered about the need for a man to be there.

“You just have to read the papers and watch the news. There is still a safety issue for women in this country. Statistically low maybe but it still exists. In the army we train for ambushes, both to ambush somebody and to defend against an ambush. There is a whole lot of stuff around reconnaissance, and all sorts of military stuff like that but it starts with a mindset. Don’t let your guard down, something doesn’t feel right about this. Things like that. Now I have not met the movers and I am almost certainly doing them a grave disservice in thinking about them this way. But having a friend come round for the morning just takes away 99% of all your issues.”

“Prepare for the worst?”

“Maybe not prepare, it is more think about the outcome and take steps so that the worst can’t happen.”

When they returned to the flat they both kissed him on the cheek. Nothing else was said. Well about that anyway. But when Fran was waiting outside the flat when Andrew returned from his run the next day he sensed an intervention coming.

“You don’t seem that surprised to see me?”

“You talk while I catch my breath.”

They started walking in the neighbourhood.

“We are pleased that things are so much better but are worried that things are so much better. How is that for a starting point. Yesterday Suzanne just smiled and told me that the two of you played ostrich all week and things would work out. Do you really think it is that simple?”

Andrew had recovered his breath sufficiently that he could talk as he walked, cooling off.

“No, we both know it is not that simple but for this week at least we have taken a simplistic approach. I don’t think either of us know what we are doing and where it ends up. We both still have two years of university. This year apart broke some of the bonds that had carried over from school, and although it was a tough way to do it, it was probably time. I don’t know if Suzanne thinks this way but for me, we had become lovers first and friends second. This week was more about strengthening the friendship while acknowledging the physical. Or we were both just horny, and this is all a rationalisation for getting laid. I think that is the ostrich part. And I think that for another year and a half we will be like this. But Christmas next year will be when decisions will have to be thought about. There would still be six months to go, but we could start to see the finish line. Right now there is too far to go.”

“Do you think there is a future for you?”

“We spent the last six years saying that neither of us was the one for the other, and yet all that has happened is that we are closer than ever. For me at least I stopped thinking that way last summer. But then it all blew up this year. Who knows?”

Fran took his hand as they walked back to the flat.

“You seem calmer, less riven by doubts.”

“There are all still there but I am trying not to pander to them as much. I think at 18 I was worried about happy ever after while not being remotely close to being a finished person myself. I don’t know if you ever are a finished person but I have grown up a lot over the last two years and may grow even more in the next two. I don’t know if I thought about it explicitly this way but there is some truth to it. I think I envisioned me at 25, married, both of us with a career, almost certainly in London, married to a woman who was the perfect match for me, as I was for her. Was it because I had too much success in other aspects of my life? Probably, but it is also the romantic in me.”

He paused and stopped walking.

“I have never voiced this before but just talking about it, this feels right, that I am on to something. It is all a mess in my head but I have focused on happy ever after without ever knowing either what that meant, or how to get there. Suzanne wanted the Edinburgh dream, basically Leslie and Julian’s life; the big house, close but not too close to her parents; lots of kids at Heriot’s; pillar of the community. Big fish in a small pond. I want none of that and so we don’t think we have a future. But I have been told, for five years now, to let someone in I have to put them ahead of the plan, my other goals. I still have not done that but I know it is the key. Tanvi said it not long before she dumped me. So there is the key for me and Suzanne, for me and anybody.”

All the worries about the future, what the hell he and Suzanne were doing were all skirmishes in the war that was his life. If Andrew wanted to live in London and Suzanne still wanted the Edinburgh dream then the ostrich approach was perfect. Be lovers and when it inevitably fell apart, try to stay friends. Easy to say then, probably a lot more difficult to deal with at the time.

What Andrew had forgotten about the previous day helping Fran with the packing, or the pre-packing, was the video of the commercials. So as a distraction that morning it was perfect. Although Suzanne had seen them several times she sat with Nikki and Fran as they watched them all. Andrew was conveniently making tea so when he came through the expressions on their faces was pretty funny.

“Do you need to take a shower?”

Rather than laugh they both sort of nodded.

“Talking about it was one thing but the reality was, was.”

Exactly.

“That was pretty well Freya’s reaction as well. Really excited to see them, really happy to tease me about them but the visuals are a lot more powerful than the words.”

“How do you do that Andrew? You are this shy and private man, yet there you are. All of you!”

“I can’t really explain it, I have to accept that I am a bit of a show-off. But I started by doing it for a friend, the first model Heloise. She wanted to do this but wasn’t comfortable with other models so she asked me. You know me and damsels in distress.”

Synchronised eye-rolling.

“The other part is I switch off. It is work and although it is not a similar analogy but think about gynecologists, all day, every day dealing with women in an incredibly intimate manner. Very quickly it becomes routine and mundane. I think about the women and how for them it is a much bigger step. I don’t need to go on about the double standard again. So I showed my arse, big deal. I never sit and watch French television but everyone tells me that there is a lot more nudity than we see here, and earlier in the evening. So what I am doing is commonplace. But you are right there is an inherent contradiction about doing what I do, and being secretive about the rest of my life. But am also only human.”

He told the tale of having to re-apply the flesh coloured tape to general amusement.

“If you really want to freak out, the first lady that I worked with last week was older than you. Her name is Mathilde, she is 36 and if you watch the tape you will see us fool around, and we fooled around a lot, and then she went home to her husband.”

The two of them looked excited and horrified all at the same time. Andrew would get Manon to send them a copy of the tape, he didn’t think they wanted him within a hundred miles when they watched it. Their pillow talk was going to be very funny. But laughing about his modelling career filled in the morning and after an early lunch he hugged and kissed everyone goodbye, although only Suzanne’s arse was in his hands as he kissed her.

The drive back to Edinburgh was easy and since he had some spare time he drove over to Mortonhall Crematorium and to the Cross of Remembrance in the grounds. A Saturday afternoon in late September was far busier than 8.00 in the morning in February but Andrew found a space to park and walked to the Cross. He shut out the noise and looked at the Cross, and let his mind wander. Their brief time together in the hospital, 13 and just about to turn 16. Coming up on seven years later he wondered how his life would be different if Faith had been spared then. Would the drive, the focus, the discipline of his life be the same? It was impossible to answer the counter-factual but it was Faith’s dying command to live her life as well; to live two lives underpinned his restless nature. The autumn sunshine changed his mood, he was not as bleak and angry as he was at the actual anniversary. Even that made him pause; did Scotland in February drive some of his behaviours? Andrew bounced around, not answering any of this just having a one-sided conversation with Faith as he stood there, leaning against a tree, thinking about his life, and Faith Campbell’s constant presence. In two days’ time he would be back at Addenbrooke’s and the cycle would start to repeat all over again. But his parting thought brought a rare smile; he was definitely cramming as much into his life as possible.

Andrew’s remembrance of Faith was always a solitary and personal thing. He was seeing Leslie for dinner but it never occurred to him to see if she wanted to join him. Their thoughts and memories were their own. Julian dropped Leslie off and they walked across to his local curry house not far from his Grandma’s flat, for an early dinner.

“These talks seem to be getting fewer and further apart.”

“I think it is the nature of us getting older, of me gaining some wisdom and maturity. I also have been trying to not be too much of teenage whinger these days. I could talk to you for a couple of hours every Sunday evening just like I did five years ago but what is important at 15 just becomes sad and repetitive at 20. Maybe the most important thing that I have realised is that I don’t have to plan and solve everything in my life before the end of term. My friends are growing up, what was important a year, two years ago, is less so now. What was impossible to think about two years ago is suddenly real, happening. Look at you and Julian. Married with a stability of situation that most 50 year olds don’t have. Big house with a huge garden; married before you are 25; no financial pressures; pillars of the community, even if it is mostly unacknowledged yet. Six years ago I had only just met Julian, and now look where we are.”