Chapter 2

Fuck!

There I go again. Thinking about things I do not want to be thinking about. Actually, correct that. Thinking about things I should not be thinking about. In all honesty, I love my mother. In ways more than a good son should be. I cannot honestly tell you what fucked up my head so hard that I developed genuine lust for my own mother. But, it is something I have grappled with for quite some time now. I don’t remember when exactly it began or what even triggered it. Maybe I had it in me all along and I just didn’t know. But things went from unnoticeable to bad real fast.

Fifteen-year-old me was grappling with a lot of issues at that time. Wanning friends list, increasing loneliness, and an insatiable level of porn addiction, and that is when I really began to notice my mother and her attributes.

No. No. No. No. No. I must not think about her that way. It is wrong. Especially for my mother, who is more innocent than a virgin woman. She has the soul of an angel. But that is where lies the dilemma. I am by every measure a demon whose sin is insatiable lust. Do I become a better man for the sake of my angel or leave behind her for my own pleasures? I cannot do both.

Once I completed high school, Mom, as usual, began looking to apply for college. However, I had other ambitions. I still remember the conversation that happened just a month ago.

‘What do you mean? What else do you want to do?’ she asked me. I could see the genuine concern on her face.

‘I am not sure.’ I replied. ‘I just want one year off. To figure out where and what I want to do next,’ I replied.

She fell silent. Curling her fingers and looking down in disappointment.

‘As compensation, I will find myself a job,’ I added on.

She looked back at me and said, ‘Why do you want to work? Is what I bring home, not enough?’

‘No! No.’ I never really thought about it that way. ‘Just a way for me to make up for the one-year break.’

She fell silent once again. This time seemingly lost in deep thought. I waited for her answer with bated breath. Each passing second felt like an eternity.

‘Okay... ‘ she finally said. ‘You don’t need find work or anything. Just make sure you figure things out fast.’

I lied to her, right in the face. I had no intention of going to college. The truth is that I was just buying some time. I just wanted to turn eighteen as fast as could.

When I hit rock bottom a few years ago. I began to imagine a life where I could fully dive deep into lustful sensibilities, unchained from the world of expectations. It was then I began to dream about the life of pornstar.

I love porn. I have always loved porn. Sex is my life and any kind of art depicting it, is my place of worship. Yes, porn is art. And I want to be an artist.

Yes, my greatest desire in life is to be a pornstar and it is something I have thought a lot about. I could not express to you in words how disappointed I was when I learned the real-world picture of pornography. However, over the years I have come to terms with it and been preparing myself for such a life. You see to be a pornstar one has to consider two major factors.