Chapter 1: Lunch

[Note: first cousins have the same grandparents, and second cousins have the same great-grandparents. Not relevant here, but once-removed means different generations, e. g., one level down in a family tree.]

Gail and her cousin Paula have always been close. They grew up as near-neighbors, went to the same schools, and even dated the same guy a couple of times.

One day they meet for lunch at their favorite spot. It’s a steakhouse, but they have great deals for lunch. So, they are in a booth with walls and not many other patrons, so they have plenty of privacy.

“I got to tell you, Paula, about my nephew Jimmy. You know, my brother Allen’s kid. He’s only 14 years old, but he’s shot up taller than me, and I’m 5’ 9” as you know. That’s not the only part of him that has grown up fast...”

“Part? What do you mean, part, oh...”

“Exactly, let me show you.”

Gail picked up her linen napkin and rolled it diagonally into a tube shape, about ten inches long.

“Oh, Gail, you’re a terrible tease. He couldn’t possibly be that big at only 14.”

“Nope, if anything, this napkin under-represents Jimmy.”

“You must have been tempted. I know I would have been. He must be in the top 5%, but who would publish that kind of statistic?

“I wonder, Gail, if he could, should, meet my niece Connie. She’s 17 and very beautiful. Curvy. But she’s so unhappy. I’m her favorite auntm and she’s confided in me because her mother Lucille (my sister-in-law, never ‘Lucy’) is a raging bitch. Lucille tries to keep her from dating and makes her wear super-conservative clothing, and so on. Anyway, Connie is feeling boy crazy but can’t get any interest from guys, no matter what clothing she has on.”

“What’s the problem?”

“Her vision is drastically bad. In order to see at all, she has to wear these incredibly thick and old-fashioned ‘cats-eye’ glasses. It’s a stupid thing, but teenagers get focused, pardon the pun, on the smallest thing to pick at each other about.

“Remember when I unexpectedly got my period and had a red blotch showing in my pants? Those bitches were still snarking about that day for years, even after we got into high school.

“Oh, I’ve derailed myself. Look, Jimmy sounds like a good kid. He could make Connie REALLY happy with his endowment, and he’d be in paradise as the boy toy of a hot older girl. Let’s put them together and make magic, Gail. Connie comes over to my house all the time to talk. That’s how I know her story, and I have that spare bedroom...”

“If this happens, Paula, I want to hear all the sexy details to put into my website stories.”