Chapter 4: A Legitimate Response

We got three genuine replies this time, each with a photograph. We sent them back and forth to each other as Russ was again marooned on the west coast for a weekend. One we ruled out immediately because the man and woman were seriously overweight, and we just didn’t want to contend with that. A second we ruled out because the couple looked to be eighteen years old, and we didn’t want to be robbing the cradle.

The third couple, Jo and Dirk, looked about our age in the photo they sent. They were standing in casual attire at some waterfront restaurant and obviously having fun. The accompanying email said:

Saw your ad but couldn’t believe someone would have the same problem that we do. Jo (Joann) is in Mountain View, CA – living and working in a good job we don’t want to compromise. Dirk has had to take over his father’s business near Boston due to his dad’s illness, and get it orderly to sell – a process we expect to take two to three years.

Except for one visit, we’ve been apart two months now, and don’t like it. We’ve given each other the freedom to experiment with others, but never thought of a longer-term relationship such as you suggest. We wonder about the chemistry, and suggest that we meet. The problem is that Dirk is east, and I’m west, so we don’t think we would meet simultaneously. Anyway, we are interested in your proposition. Warm regards, Jo and Dirk. Box 9473712

I suggested to Russ that he respond and set up a meeting with Jo somewhere public. If he did it on the right day and time, I could even video in on his iPad to say hello. Moreover, if Jo looked ‘legit’ I could then repeat the process in the Boston area with Dirk.

Russ emailed the box and got a phone number in reply. He called the phone number Jo had given and got a pleasant woman on the other end of the line. After introductions and some embarrassed laughter, the two decided to meet for lunch four days later at Viva Sol, a busy Mexican restaurant on the Camino Real in Mountain View.

I agreed to keep my iPad at the ready from about three-thirty on that day, understanding that if Russ didn’t call before four o’clock, he didn’t like what he’d discovered.

The video app on my iPad triggered off exactly at three-thirty. I opened the link, and there was Russ wobbling around on the screen as he set up his iPad on the restaurant table. In the lower part of the screen I could see two half-eaten lunches.

Next to Russ sat a very pretty brunette (like me), looking a little uncomfortable and embarrassed, but resigned to the situation of being ‘on the air’.

Russ said, “Julie, I’d like to introduce Jo, and Jo meet my wife Julie. Julie, just so you know, we are in a back booth in this restaurant and we’ll keep the volume low so no one else can hear us.”

We both said, “Hi.” I wondered if our conversation would get beyond those short words. I was speechless.

My counterpart in California was stunningly beautiful. I was almost jealous that my husband was even having lunch with her, let alone thinking of setting up house with her in some way.

I ventured, “Jo, you are so pretty. Can you tell me about yourself and then, if you want, I will too.”

Jo shifted in her seat; “Well, I’m thirty-two, grew up in Denver, and was a pretty good student. I graduated from the University of Denver with a degree in physics and got a job for a company in Silicon Valley called Innovative Technology Initiatives or ITI, and I’ve been with them since graduation. If all goes well in the next year or so, I’ll become their head of R&D. I work in their product development department. It very techy and recently we’ve been toying with artificial intelligence and how to incorporate that into our work and products. Everyone in the company’s management is young.”

She paused, “Let’s see, Dirk and I met on my first day at ITI. He was a grad student at Stanford doing an internship with them. He went to work for Google after graduation, and up until five months ago he was working for them on their driverless car. He’s good at complex data algorithms. He has a degree in computer science.

“In December, his dad had a heart attack so Dirk got a leave of absence and went back to Massachusetts to hold the business together and care for his parents as his father recuperated. His father now has serious limitations to what he can do. Dirk and his dad decided to sell the tool and die company, but the economy hit the business so Dirk is nursing it back to health so it’ll be attractive to a buyer.

“They think they’ve turned the corner, but the company’s accountants think it may take as long as three years before the business would be attractive and viable enough for a sale to take place. We love each other dearly, and just can’t imagine being alone and apart that long.”

Jo hesitated again and added, “We live in a nice town house here in Mountain View. I have a small Bichon named Charlie, and he has quite a personality. He adores me and won’t let me out of his sight. I can take him to work with me and usually do. Dirk and I have been postponing children, but this geographic gap in our marriage has thrown a monkey wrench into our planning – everything in our lives. Dirk flies home every three or four weeks so we keep things together, but it’s a serious strain.”

After another pause, Jo wiped her eyes and smiled. “You say something now, or ask me questions. I’m getting embarrassed talking about myself. I don’t want this to be superficial. I’ve never done anything close to this.”

I started, “Okay, and I am loaded with questions, but about me. First off, I teach psychology at Harvard, and do research in the obtuse area of transpersonal psychology. I do teach one undergrad section in general psych and several advanced classes, even for grad students, and a small clinical practice about one day a week. I have a B.A., from Tufts, and an M.A., and Ph.D. from Harvard. I just got tenured and a full professorship before I turned thirty – so pretty young by most standards.

“I have several grants I’m working on too, so I keep busy during the day, also managing the students that work on my grants. My parents live near Portland, Maine. I met Russ in high school. We married on my eighteenth birthday when we finished college, so have been married twelve years. He can tell you about himself. We have a nice house that we own in a town called Dillon, Massachusetts, and we’ve been working on one room at a time fixing it up since we bought it two years ago, but it’s a slow process for us because we’re so dedicated to and busy with work. Oh, we’ve been postponing kids too.”

After my pause, I thought I should add something about the arrangement we were seeking. “Jo, I hope Russ has told you that we are not swingers or swappers or whatever you call them these days. The idea doesn’t turn us off, we just aren’t looking for that. This may be a crazy idea, but Russ and I have ... well, high sex drives. Since being freshmen in high school it’s been a rare day that we haven’t made love multiple times a day when we’re near each other. This separation is doing a number on both of us. When we get together we’re like a bag of horny rabbits.”

Jo laughed. “Dirk and I are the same way. We can never get enough of each other. I think we pull the national average up.” She added, “I want you to know we are very much in love, apparently just like you two. We don’t want to lose each other, but we are willing to add people like you to our relationship if we connect on multiple levels – in other words, have good chemistry with them.” She whispered, “We don’t want just fuck buddies. If there is someone else for either of us, they have to share a deep interconnection with both of us and be more than willing to happily share us with our real spouses.”