Chapter 2

Author’s notes:

Welcome to part two of Half a Sex Shop. Be warned, there is a lot of exposition in this one. I purposefully left part 1 without any firm explanations, which means we get a lot of explanations in this one. I tried to keep it fun. I enjoy the characters, but I’m biased. Not trying to make this an every-time thing, but the sex does come near the end again. So, if that is all you are here for, now you know where to look.

This was originally posted on another website under the same title and pen name. Grammatical changes have been made since its original upload, but the story content is the same.

Finally, if you weren’t aware of this before now, I have the maturity level and sense of humor roughly equivalent to a fourteen-year-old boy. I get a giggle out of writing this, but those actually mature may not.

They were on the cash register. Or had been, maybe? I was starting to confuse myself. But I was sure of at least the fact that they had been there yesterday morning. I had spent probably close to an hour examining that crazy, ornate, impossible cash register yesterday. Not just pulling the lever like Kendra said, but actually in-depth examining.

There were six buttons, each shaped like a different animal. I had hit every single one of them in every combination I could think of with no effect. Running down each side of the register was a painted scene. Mural? Fancy, smancy cash register probably had a fancy name for what was on it. But each of the figures before me was painted there on the cash register. G on the left and whatever his name was on the right.

“ ... new life Kendra and Tom Greenthalw.” The words echoed weirdly in my head, it seemed like they had been said before. Different maybe? Oh for fucks sake.

“Was the lightning you, too?” I nearly shouted. “Tried to kill us then decided to make up for it with a corset or...” I waved at the garment still clutched in Kendra’s hand. Looking at it, my anger vanished. Had I just accused them of calling lightning?

“Do you need some tea, bro?” the man asked in a kind, gentle voice. Bro? How many times could I say what the fuck before it didn’t mean anything?

“Those words”, I stammered. “Welcome to my life. I said that ... thought that at the funeral. Then there was lightning.” The words sounded stupid even to me. Even after Kendra asking about the jacuzzi, which again. What. The. Fuck.

The man, I really needed a name or even just a letter to call him by, gently pulled away from G. He walked up to me and put a massive arm around my shoulders. “That wasn’t us, but good try. Let’s get you some tea.” He steered me towards the sex shop.

“Wait, no, he doesn’t need tea”, Kendra shouted. Oh good, nature was healing. “Certainly not from popping people we just met. What the hell is going on here? What do you mean you made this corset for me? How is this my life? What happened to me?”

The man, muscles yeah his name is fucking muscles until he says otherwise, had stopped at her outburst and was looking at her with a small smile. “Popping people”, he chuckled. “That’s a first, and I don’t have many of those left.”

Muscles let go of me and moved back towards G. He waved his hand towards us, and I had the utterly bizarre urge to duck. Of course, nothing actually happened besides his wave as he grabbed his discarded broom and sat cross-legged atop a table.

“All yours G, this is your ass. I’m just facilitating,” Muscles said with a sigh.

“Right. So I’m here to get my ass and Fi”, G gestured at Muscles, “is here facilitating.” She was looking back and forth between Kendra and me. Her face was guileless and radiant with a massive smile and twinkling dancing eyes. I got the feeling she was one of those happy, peppy people who are obnoxiously upbeat about everything. Probably easier to get away with that when everyone is distracted by Pantene commercial-worthy hair swirls, “Maybe it’s Maybelline” looks without actual makeup, and a body that would give dead men hard-ons. Plus, it was all genuine. None of it seemed like an act. There weren’t any moments that she didn’t seem happy, excited, and just enthusiastic about literally everything.

“What, so he”, I pointed at Muscles “is called Fi? What’s your name?” I gestured generally towards G.

“Oh, I’m sorry. I thought you heard my name earlier since you asked about the jacuzzi. I’m G”.

I groaned.

Kendra looked thunderous. “So he is Fi, you are G, and he is facilitating getting your ass?” She did finger quotes when she said facilitating. At this point, I thought it might be even odds whether she just beat one of them to death with the corset or the blood vessel pulsing above her eyebrow finally burst.

G nodded happily.

“See”, she said enthusiastically, turning her head towards Fi. “I told you my ass would be easy. Few decades and we are outta here. Your record is toast. Sucks to suck!” She did what I think was supposed to be that hip thrust, crotch slap thing from 20 years ago as she said the last part. I hadn’t seen it in years but mostly remembered it just looking dumb. The way she did it, and how physics interacted with her body, she’d probably make shy virgins cum in their shorts just from watching and pick up a couple AVN awards to boot.

“This is too much”, I groaned, sinking to the floor. “Too much. Nothing you say is making sense.” I tried to rest my head in my hands but felt them being grabbed by someone whose skin defined soft.

“I’m sorry, but what is too much?” I heard G’s voice right in front of me. Happy about everything still, but there was genuine concern in her voice. It was an odd combination. Happily concerned? I appreciated at least the latter, but what I really wanted was for a single fucking thing to make sense. Is that really too much to ask in half a sex shop?

“Kendra”, I looked at my wife. “Did she pop again?” On a normal day, that would be a nonsensical question or at least one that would leave people wondering how much of the conversation they had missed. Today, it was 100% a legitimate question in and of itself.

Kendra nodded, then glared fiercely at Fi. “If you are facilitating whatever the hell this is then you better hope you are better at explaining than her. Because if I hear one more thing that doesn’t make sense, I’m calling the cops, and they can figure out what the hell is going on and what drugs you are on.” Yeah, my bet was death by corset bludgeoning at this point for at least one of these two strangers. Shame if it was G; she seemed nice.

Fi stared hard at Kendra. Unmoving, unblinking. At first it seemed like a challenge, then I realized he had that look you get when you aren’t actually looking outside, it’s all internal. The man was doing some serious thinking. The thought floated through my head that his beard was definitely meant for stroking while thinking. I had to stifle what I thought would probably be a manic giggle. No need to let Kendra know I was losing my fucking mind.

Fi suddenly snapped his fingers. The sound cracked like a whip in the silence of the staring contest. It seemed to signal the release of tension because Fi was smiling widely now, and G let go of my hands. She stood and actually walked over to Kendra.

“I’m sorry”, she said.

“Ah, it is not your fault”, replied Fi on behalf of my wife. “I should have thought of this.” He grinned at us like he was about to say something extremely intelligent and we should all be impressed at how neatly he would solve all of our problems.

“Languages do not always translate well”, he said with finality.

Oh shit. I held my breath and looked at Kendra. See, Kendra was raised that if you made a threat, you followed through with it. Threaten to punch someone? Well you better do it and deal with the consequences because your dumb ass opened your mouth. She had threatened to call the police if they said one more thing that didn’t make sense. I didn’t actually know any language other than English, but I vaguely knew that yeah while I might say butt plug in English that doesn’t mean every language I just say the word for butt and for plug to mean the same thing. So, his statement was true. It was also absolutely no help when you have four people speaking English to each other.

Accents? Maybe they thought they had thick accents and he just said translation to sound smart? Or wait, some languages have variations, umm I knew this. Dialects? That sounded right in my head. Does English have dialects? Was there some place where ass meant something totally different like potato?

Kendra was still engaged in her staring match. I don’t think she had bothered to blink, even though Fi was obviously not competing anymore.

“So English isn’t your first language, and you are having trouble finding the correct English words?” Kendra asked. Oh, right, that made much more sense.

“Exactly”, exclaimed Fi delightedly.

“Then pull out your fucking phone and use google asshole”, Kendra was screaming again. “How in the world do you know two languages, but when you aren’t fluent your first thought is using words that you know don’t make sense.”

Fi was frowning now. “Google? No, there’s no need for Google to translate. It’s already being done, it’s just your language is small and can not contain the concepts we are expressing.”

He held up a hand as Kendra was clearly getting ready to follow through on her threat. Well that or corset bludgeoning, which was still my bet. It seemed like a high-quality garment, and those lion hooks on the front were not light. I imagined those would leave some significant and probably oddly shaped wounds. It would be like those stupid CSI shows people loved. Nothing made sense until someone had what was an obviously impossible deduction. Then, everyone went along like it was perfectly reasonable, and because of that, an unsolvable crime now had perfect evidence spelling out exactly what happened. In this show, they would spend hours looking for a sturdy murder weapon, maybe look at the BDSM gear at hand. Then a sarcastic, life-weary detective would remember that one time in Bali he saw a hook shaped like a lion, it would match the victim’s wounds exactly, and the case would crack wide open.

Fi was speaking again. “You are speaking English. However, I am speaking Italian, mostly. G is speaking”, he got another frown on his face and paused. “Umm I don’t think the magic will translate that, hmm. Let’s just say she is not speaking English either. But...” he held up a finger excitedly. “You are hearing English, I am hearing Italian, and G is hearing the language she wants. It’s a good spell, much better than Google, but it has its limitations.”

Tom was still sitting on the floor. Fi seemed like he was in lecture mode and pose, though it honestly was a little spoiled by his muscles. I’ll admit it, I got distracted when every gesture looked like he was flexing. And G was knitting? Yep, knitting something green while her friend casually made no sense. What was that she said? Welcome to my new life? I was beginning to wonder if this was worth it compared to just diet and more exercise.

“Magic”, I said flatly. “Magic is somehow making us hear the language we know when everyone is speaking different languages. But that magic is also bad at translating?”

I ground my teeth together; technically, it made sense, sorta. It was also ludicrous. Magic. Whoever heard of magic that wasn’t well magically perfect? I looked down at myself. These thighs weren’t this way yesterday, though.

“Ok, five minutes to convince me that’s true. After that, if I’m not convinced, I call the cops like I said”, I continued with what I hoped was a don’t fuck with me voice and moved to sit on a table above Tom.

“What if I try to explain in a way that makes up for the shortcomings of my spell and demonstrate that magic is real?” Fi was excited again. “When I was last here, I remember magic being the biggest, umm sticking point. After that, things got much easier.”

I gave him a jerky nod.

“My thanks”, Fi said, hopping to his feet.

“Very well. We shall skip most of the lesser important things to stay within your time limit. First, I do not believe that our names have been coming across correctly.” He bowed deeply, “I am Felix”, he then gestured at G, “and she is Genie.”

“Genie”, I spluttered. “Your name is Genie? Or are you trying to say you are genies?” The rest of my tirade was cut off by Felix.

“I believe we agreed five minutes,” Felix said. I nodded with only a small sulk.

“But yes, you are correct. Her name is Genie, and we are not from Earth. We are from another dimension, universe, world, plane of existence, whatever you want to call it.” He waved dismissively. Figures that something as small as not being human is of little consequence to the man who thought facilitating someone’s ass made sense. I ground my teeth together to try and stave off shouting again.

“Over the centuries of traveling here our kind are often called genies, yes. But that is, again, a failing of language. You are thinking that her name is the equivalent of calling yourself human.” Felix’s eyes were twinkling as he looked at me. He was getting passionate now. Maybe language was his kink even if he seemed to suck at it.

I nodded again.

“A common misconception and, as I said, a failing of language. Her name is Genie. Your stories and legends have given our people the collective name of genies. That does not mean we are genies any more than if we started calling all humans Kendras.”

It made sense. I couldn’t even say it was confusing because it made perfect sense. Maybe I was biased because as he was talking, he was walking back and forth, gesturing with his arms. He was like one of those people who can’t talk without moving their hands, but with him, it was his whole body. A body that I still was distracted by. He had on a form-fitting short-sleeve workout shirt, board shorts, and hiking boots. Which left lots for me to be distracted by. Did Genies have the same number of abs as humans, or were his just unusually well-defined like all his other muscles?

“How we came to be called genies is a story for another time, but it is not related to Genie”, he gestured to her. She was still knitting, but what had been about 6 inches finished minutes ago was now closer to 10 feet and was all pink, not a hint of the original green in sight.

“Genie is here to obtain her A.S.S.”, he said, each letter individually. “Or her Alien Sexuality Studies degree. As I said before, it’s a failing of language that English does not actually have the correct concept for what it is she is actually doing. However, through an unfortunate turn of events it does share letters and the magic condensed it down to an acronym.”

“So this is a study abroad trip or something?” Tom’s voice startled me. Seeing as he was still on the floor and out of my sight line, I had gotten a little too comfortable with this being a three-person conversation. Well two people and a knitter.

“That is one way to look at it, using a human frame of reference, sure”, replied Felix. “You see, magic is simply the ability to manipulate energy. Shape it, control it, and allow it to do what we want when we want. It has to be learned and practiced.” Felix looked like this was a favorite topic of his and he was about to launch into a monologue. Genie interrupted him, thank god.

“Yep, so I want to be able to use magic sexually for non-genies”, Genie said as she dropped her knitting. It hung in the air, unmoving. “So I’m here to practice. Felix had to come because I can’t use magic this way yet. So I’m borrowing his, but it’s me doing it. I get to direct it. Then, once I’ve learned how, I go back and prove that I can. Then I get my ass,”, she said, using the word ass rather than the individual letters like Felix. Did they control what the “magic” translated? If so, I agreed with her choice. Ass was much more entertaining than A.S.S. She also ended her explanation with an ear-to-ear smile.

God, that smile. Perfect curvature, unblemished white teeth, it was unrestrained and made you want to smile back uncontrollably even if you realized that you could never hope to match its perfection. I shook my head. One smile and I was ready to give up the rage and frustration this whole thing was causing? Not to mention the fact that I felt violated by the corset clenched in my fist. No sir, no damn smile was getting rid of all that.

“You’re still just talking. I’m waiting for you to actually prove that magic is real. Because until then all of this just sounds like someone high as fuck wrote really bad erotic fiction.” Whether the insult meant anything to them or not, it made me feel better. I wasn’t sure which one I should glare at. Genie was too adorable to stay mad at, and Felix made it hard to focus. I settled for the broom, nothing obviously weird about that.

As soon as I mentioned proof Genie positively lit up and started bouncing. She was wearing a plain t-shirt and long, loose silky black capris. If anyone could see inside the store, her chest would likely have caused traffic accidents. But it was her eyes that caught my attention. They were flashing different shades of purple. Lilac, violet, mauve, and more. Each bounce brought with it a different colored iris. It was entrancing because I felt like her eyes weren’t actually changing color. More that I was finally seeing all the different colors within them.

I remember feeling like her hair was multi-colored when we first walked in. I went back to studying it. It was much subtler than her eyes. But as I watched, I felt the same thing. Blonde was not accurate because there were multitudes of colors within her hair. But at the same time, it wasn’t not accurate because they somehow did become blonde together? Maybe I should have just called the cops at the start. This was feeling more and more like drugs had to be involved.

“Ooh yes”, screamed Genie. “What do you want? Just say it, and I’ll do it. Wait. Moon sex? No too late in the cycle for it to be really good. Sex with a satyr? No, that’s normal. Vampire? What about-” She said a word I didn’t know that sounded very slithery on the tongue.

“You’ll love it. All the same equipment, but coils mean twice as much to work you with. Plus, they squeeze sooo good. Or a penis for yourself? I can give you one.”

The words just kept going. She was so excited about these things that I wasn’t even sure what she was talking about anymore. I thought we started talking about proving magic was real. What did mufflers have to do with that? I looked over at Tom. He was holding his head in hands again, but this time, he was at least looking at our two crazy visitors.

I tried opening my mouth to interrupt several times, but at this point, I was so lost. What was it Tom said earlier? It was too much. That’s how I was feeling now. A void of uncaring overwhelmedness was quickly gutting the anger I felt before. The changes to me, these people, the words they were using. Talking about sex in ways that I hadn’t ever even thought of and now that I had heard it I was sure I would have nightmares forever. People did that with knives and rubber chickens together? It was too too much.

Felix finally came to our rescue, though I think it was less out of compassion and more from a desire to move things along. He walked over to Genie and gently put his hand on her shoulder. Her excitement had risen to the point it looked like she was floating and bouncing in mid-air as she continued her non-stop, nonsensical soliloquy of sex acts she could provide.

“Genie”, Felix said gently. “They need to decide. This time, it needs to be their choice. You already gave her one gift. This time, it needs to be her choice.”

The bouncing stopped, replaced by a look of horror as Genie looked at Tom and me. I imagined we both looked numb and nonplussed at that point. She opened her mouth for what I was certain was going to be a massive apology. I didn’t want an apology. I didn’t want to be here. I didn’t want to see more of Felix’s muscles. I didn’t want to hear more about how Genie could let me have sex with other people. Or had she really said creatures? If they were genies, fucking worst genies ever who didn’t even ask what my wishes were before turning my life upside down, then I knew what I wanted.

I made eye contact with Tom. He gave me a soft smile and a nod.

“I want the ocean.”

Vacations for me had always been times where I wanted to go and see new things. Hearing friends talk about how they just sat next to a hotel pool all day getting tan and watching their kids play sounded like a waste. Just pay a tenth of the price and take your kids to the local pool every day for a week. But I have to admit, I could get used to a vacation of lying by the beach.

I looked over at Kendra. Fuck she was hot. I will maintain my stance that my wife has always been beautiful. Sure, at 40-something, she looked different than when we were first married. Funny thing is, so did I. But there are different types of things we mean when we say beautiful, or at least when I say beautiful.

There’s attractiveness, which is your body. This is first and foremost genetics, then it’s how you take care of your body, and finally plastic surgery and straight up lying on social media with filters. That’s the first thing that people think of when we say beauty.

Of course, the next one is the “well, they have a great personality”. It’s beauty for who you are. The things you do. No amount of lying on Instagram will change this one. Fake the photo op all you want, we still see whether you are a beautiful person inside.

Some will debate me on this next one, but the third is the emotions from the combination of the above. That is the beauty that Kendra always had, even if she could only ever focus on what she hated about her body. I couldn’t care less what she looked like; she was a good person, my favorite person, and that made her the most beautiful person in the world to me. The way she laughed, what made her smile, the way she made Disney movie references completely inappropriate- it was everything about her. I loved it all and damn it if that didn’t mean she was beautiful I didn’t want to know what did. She was my beautiful.