Chapter 13

Helena was lying on Andrew as usual, bright eyed and with a teasing expression. The initial fuck when they had first got back into the flat was a race to the finish. It had been a physiological act to relieve the pressure, for both of them. As usual, Helena had bounced back quickly.

“How long do you need to recover?”

Ouch. Before Andrew could formulate a reply Helena leaned over and grabbed a bottle of lube from the nightstand. Andrew hadn’t known it was there. That act alone shortened his refractive period. Andrew bumped Helena off him and grabbed a towel from the bathroom. Moments later the pillow raising Helena’s hips was covered and he knelt between her spread legs. When the top fell off the bottle of lube and deluged Helena’s bum Andrew didn’t fret. He was glad he had thrown down a towel but he just started working the excess into the skin of her bum and well as down the crack and starting to lube up her arsehole. He got into a rhythm of soaking his finger and stabbing her rosebud, a regular steady invasion that had Helena groaning and moaning, her hips shaking and craving more contact. The subsequent plundering of Helena’s booty was easy and almost too slick between them. But the teasing all day had them both worked up and the second fuck of the night ended up no different than the first. A pair of breathless but satisfied teenagers. The excess oil had to be showered off but five minutes later they were back in bed.

“You were a terrible tease all day, weren’t you? All morning, God you looked so hot getting ready for the wedding.”

Andrew shook his head and Helena smirked.

“Then you teased poor Douglas all through dinner, not as badly as Suzanne, but still. I think the two of you got him through puberty in one evening.”

Helena giggled softly.

“And then you teased me all night just for good measure.”

Andrew shook his head again.

“You were wonderful, you really were.”

“Andrew I am tingling all over. I might have teased you but I was teasing myself. Hmmm.”

Helena laughed but then it faded and she sighed.

“I feel bad about it actually. It was only at the end that I realised that it can’t have been any fun for Suzanne seeing me act that way.”

“No I suppose not but six months ago I thought I would be bringing her to this wedding. It was through her own actions the situation occurred. When I saw Leslie in the middle of term, Suzanne was allegedly bringing someone. So don’t feel too bad.”

“Oh I know but it was still insensitive.”

Andrew shrugged, not sure what to say.

“She was very nice to me both yesterday and again today. Not instant friends or anything false like that, she was just nice and polite. She knew very little about me, just as I knew little about her. I can see the reason why you are very discreet. Every woman knows that you never talk, except to Leslie, and even there I get the sense that you don’t talk about women as much as you used to.”

“No need anymore.”

He looked over at her.

“It hasn’t been awkward for you? You didn’t feel like you had to be on your best behaviour?”

“Suzanne was the one I was worried about. Leslie I had met already and she had such a positive impact on your life that I just didn’t care. Like so many people have said over the years, every boy needs a Leslie. There are times when I think I could have done with a Leslie as well. But the thing with Suzanne was I could imagine myself in her situation. Now this is just a hypothetical so don’t go teasing them but imagine if Matt and Navya got married. We would both be invited to the wedding and there is a chance that we would both be in the wedding party, bridesmaid and groomsman. The assumption leading up to it is that we will attend together. But then I fall for another person, a replacement Ed, and you have to find a date. Ed the second proves to be as reliable as the first one but you have now asked Suzanne, and she has accepted, and I am now going to have to attend solo. Sure it was her fault that she ended up in this situation but I knew that she was your friend, and she was Leslie’s maid of honour. I was the outsider not her. So rather than be catty or stupid or territorial I just sat and talked to her. We spoke for quite a while at the dinner last night and again on and off today.”

Andrew listened and understood. What was the proverb? Walk a mile in another man’s moccasins. This was a mile in her heels.

“Were you worried?”

“Not really. I believed that the two of you would be able to survive a dinner and a wedding reception. I did not think that either of you would have made a scene or done anything to spoil the day.”

Helena was silent for a few moments.

“What about us Andrew?”

“Do you want there to be an us? It is shitty, answering a question with a question. Your parents think you are at Abi’s place this weekend and your father took an almost instant dislike to me.”

All that engendered was a sigh.

“Let me ask you this, what made you want to go out with Ed? We very consciously did not talk about dating, indeed at the start of the year were definite about not dating.”

Another big sigh.

“Yeah, I get it. The sigh is because I am not sure. I like the idea of a boyfriend but I can’t see myself having one while at Cambridge, it seems to be against the ethos of the three years there. Now that is all in my head but it is how I feel. With you I have someone who is going through a lot of the same issues that I am. You are trying to understand how to treat a woman as a woman but also respect her. Oh hell, that is not what I meant. You know what I mean Andrew. It comes back to the eight out of ten thing we talked about at the end of term. How do you deal with that, that oh I don’t know, the inherent contradiction of wanting it all?

“Look at us. Hypothetical again, so don’t freak out. We get married and I know that you will support me 100% with my career. Now there are lots and lots of things that have to be talked about, nature of jobs, location of jobs, how to deal with having to move for a job but those are mechanics, important but mechanics. What I know about you is that you expect your wife, whoever it is, in this example me, to have a career. Every woman who has met you knows that about you. But then there is the whole issue with kids, time off, nanny, hell I don’t know, boarding school. All that sort of stuff. Life. Marriage. Together.

“And then there is our relationship, intimacy, sex, frequency, who initiates, all those sexual politics that we are skating over the top of. Look at the eight out of ten thing. Is it wrong to want it all? Worse, is it possible to have it all? I want to have a respectful, mutual, imaginative sex life with my partner most of the time. But then there are moments when I just want to be fucked. Not hurt, not abused, but be at my partner’s whim. I think back to the night you first buggered me. It was almost gentle but it was also inevitable and I was total ready for it. ‘Tonight I am going to bend you over and fuck you in the arse’ and all I can think of to say is ‘yes dear’. But I think and can act that way because of the way you act the other 80% of the time. And the thing is I am pretty sure that is the only time you have acted that way. And being friends that fuck means that none of that is being addressed. None of this stuff. I don’t know how to be a career woman wife or girlfriend in the 1980s just as you don’t know how to treat a career woman wife. Oh, and we are all different. What works for me won’t work for Abi or Suzanne or whoever.

“So yes, I think about us. Not as a happy ever after couple, that is too far in the future, especially with our degrees not being in sync, but as a couple from the point of starting to talk about life beyond great sex. There are some nights I would like to hear your thoughts on children, your thoughts on raising them. If we were a couple and I got a job at the New York Times or something like that, would you move? If we didn’t move I would like to think and talk through the feelings, would I be resentful? How does loving someone change all that. Based on the divorce stats it does not go down well.”

Andrew laughed.

“I used to be called the one who overthought everything. That is quite the list. Okay, assuming that you don’t run into the second Ed in the next month, when we are back at College we can start to talk about stuff like that. I worry about how many ‘I don’t knows’ there will be but there is no harm in trying. You asked ‘what about us?’. I was exclusive with you until that one night with Abi at the end of term. What is happening there?”

“All part of the stuff that needs to be sorted out. Look the woman is beautiful. This all comes back to the whole ‘Andrew is safe’ thing. You wouldn’t judge me. You are the only person I know who knows lesbians. Sure I have seen some women around College and I have even spoken to some of them but you have real life, all but married lesbian friends. I mean tonight you saw a couple of women getting frisky with each other and all you did was give one of them the room key and tell her to go and seduce her girlfriend, or wife, or partner, whatever the right term is. So if ever I was going to take baby steps, and needed help, I know I can count on you.”

Helena looked him in the eye.

“Yes I have imagined it and no I have not mentioned it to Abi. And yes you, you lucky bastard, I have imagined you there as well. But again, who the hell else can I talk about this with. I am pretty sure I am straight and that I am going to marry a man. Hell I love getting fucked, but have I wondered what it is like?”

Helena looked down.

“And just saying it like that, I want to play around a bit and see what it is like, it seems disrespectful to Nikki and Fran who live that life and have to deal with all of the issues around it. Have they ever talked about stuff like that?”

“We once had a long conversation about the gay scene in Cambridge, whether there was one, how supportive everyone was, stuff like that. I must confess that I am clueless about stuff like that. In fact, you probably have a better idea than I do, you are involved in the student union. What is their view?”

“A lot of the student activists are gay or curious, some open, a lot pretty quiet about it. There is a lot of talk about setting up a Gay and Lesbian Club so that there is support, encouragement, working to reduce the harassment. There are nights at some clubs that are gay friendly but I have not been.”

“Okay we have returned from a wedding, had a couple of epic fucks and are back being confused teenagers at university again. Let’s park all the fantasy stuff for now. Let’s agree that we can have some more serious conversations around life after university in the coming term. I think it will be fun, I don’t know what the answers are but I have no problem thinking about it. Okay?”

Helena smiled and nodded.

“So putting aside experimentation for the moment what are the rules?”

“I don’t think I should impose any rules. I would like to spend time with you alone in your room on Wednesday and Sunday nights. Other than that we are two friends at university. Dinners at the end of the week, cards at Justin’s on a Saturday night.”

The conversations had quenched their libidos and so it was a quick trip to the bathroom and then Helena fell asleep draped over him. Andrew skipped the run in the morning but did his exercises and then went for a long swim. He smiled as he slowly swam back and forth. Could he and Helena have been more like a pair of self-absorbed students? Nothing they were thinking about or talking about was new. People had been dealing with gender dynamics for decades at least. But it all seemed so new to them and teenage students were poster children for self-absorption.

When he returned to the flat Helena was still fast asleep and before Andrew’s cold hands could rectify that situation, the phone rang. It was Fran and so he drove the two miles over to the hotel and collected the pair of them. They were sitting in the lobby, looking happy. Well Fran looked radiant although Nikki looked more sheepish than anything else. He was treated to two long hugs before they climbed into the car for the quick drive home.

“You are a romantic Andrew McLeod, never let anyone tell you otherwise. That was wonderful, thank you.”

“I am glad you were able to enjoy the room and relax, take advantage of the moment.”

“Oh I took advantage all right.”

Fran could hardly finish the sentence she was already laughing. Nikki had her head in her hands and Andrew just laughed.

“Secrets ladies, let’s keep some secrets.”

They chatted away for the five minutes that it took them to get back to Marchmont. When they returned Helena finally made an appearance and they sat and drank coffee in the living room. Both of them eschewed showering at the flat, they wanted to head back home and relax. So they changed out of their dresses they wore to the wedding and Andrew helped them carry everything down to their car.

“It was a quick visit but it was good to see you Andrew. Will you come through and see us before you head south again?”

“You know what, this week is quiet. I won’t stay overnight but how about I come through for dinner and a night sitting chatting with you both, catch up on some of the craziness. There is quite a lot to talk about, what night is best, Wednesday or Thursday?”

Thursday night Andrew was going to be in Glasgow. The rest of the day he and Helena walked and talked. The previous night had been lots of talk of the future and growing up and dealing with relationships, whereas that Sunday afternoon they stayed away from all that, for the most part. They did talk about his family, not just the specifics but things like his attitude to race and sexual orientation, parental approval. Andrew knew that last one was the one area where he really stood out from his friends. He wasn’t an orphan but more and more emotionally he was. He would move to Paris and marry Heloise or marry Rupashi, just examples but real life people, and it would never occur to him to consider that his parents had any say in the decision. Andrew would tell them, not ask them. What he saw with his friends was that no one was at that stage. Maybe it was something that happened when you were older but right now no one was prepared to go against their parents. The most shocking disregard had been Rupashi’s night with him but that was still a prelude to working with her mother to find an appropriate husband.

Andrew thought back over all the years to the people in his life and how they sacrificed their own happiness to keep family happy. Helena, right there beside him was an example, Navya, and most troublingly Arabella. Their letters had stopped over the summer. No one’s fault, maybe his travel had some impact but the last letter Andrew had sent her was right before he left for camp, in the few days he was in Edinburgh last June. Andrew didn’t even know if she got it. It was only later in the summer that he remembered that she had graduated and may have already returned to her parent’s home. He thought of her less but for a woman he saw less than 20 times she was the only one that he pined for. She was gone from Andrew’s life but not from his memories. He thought back trying to remember when he had first spoken to her. The day she found out that a 15 year old schoolboy had bought her coffee, more than four years ago. It made him both happy and incredibly sad. So many missed opportunities.

The thing that was different that cold Sunday afternoon was that he and Helena walked hand in hand. A small thing, right? But what Andrew thought about it, then as well as later, was how infrequently it happened. He had a rich and varied sex life but while at Cambridge all the ‘normal’ out in public behaviours were either rare or missing entirely. Neither Abi nor Helena wanted to walk hand in hand with him, down the street, around the College, even alone on the Backs. Walking alone round the south Paddock in the dark was about the only time. The three weeks of holidays that Andrew took with Suzanne were the only time when it had seemed acceptable. Away from anyone they knew. That struck him as sad, in a way he didn’t fully understand. But there they were again, outside Edinburgh away from people, and Helena was okay walking hand in hand. A moment of normality in a relationship that was all over the place. He shrugged and accepted it, they were not a couple. Andrew still had only ever had one exclusive girlfriend, Hannah back at the start of 5^th year at school. Encouragingly, she dumped him for being boring after less than two months!

Looking back later the day was a placeholder, a time filler until he could talk with Suzanne on Tuesday. Andrew knew it and more importantly Helena knew it. But he spent the day with Helena and they had a fun time playing at being a couple. It was late when they returned to the flat and made love rather than fucked. All the talk, all the very mature deliberations, when it came down to it, they faced each other and reassured the other.

Helena went swimming with Andrew the following morning and the contrariness of the male mind was once again on display. He had come back to the flat after his run and Helena had climbed out of bed, completely naked, did her bathroom routine and then changed into her swimsuit before going across the street with him. Yet not three minutes later when she walked out the female changing rooms his eyes were glued to her as she daintily stepped over to the water. He laughed at the absurdity of it all and started to swim. Two hours later, on the way to the station he stopped at one of the photoprint shops and handed Helena the packet of prints. Looking inside she laughed.

“I better not let Dad see these. Thank you Andrew, I will put some up on my board at College when we get back.”

“Thank you for coming all the way up here for the wedding. I will be back in College 10 days before term starts probably Sunday the 14^th so if you want to escape home and do some studying I will be there as soon as I can get access to the room.”