Chapter 16

~Friday, October 24th~

I was a wreck. It took all of my strength just to make it through Thursday. I didn’t even go out. Alyssa was annoyed that I refused to talk about my date, I answered my other texts with one word answers, and Dave didn’t text me at all. Of course, I was too much of a coward to reach out to him.

Friday was another day I woke up miserable. It took my barely-conscious mind a few seconds to actually remember why. When I did, I let out a long breath, blowing a strand of hair out of my face as I stared at the ceiling.

Well, I couldn’t stay in bed all day. Shame. Throwing the covers off my body, I got out of bed and started my morning routine. I barely had the energy to work out, and mostly got through it due to sheer willpower. Only when I was sitting at my desk, ready to start work, did I finally check my phone.

Alyssa: Ready to talk about it?

Suzie: Not really.

Alyssa: Tough titties! I’ve given you enough space. Spill it.

Suzie: I don’t think Dave and I will be seeing each other anymore.

Alyssa: Uh-oh. What happened?

Suzie: He found out I was messing around with other guys.

Alyssa: And he had real feelings for you.

Suzie: Yeah ... I’m a bitch.

Alyssa: No, you’re not. You weren’t exclusive.

Suzie: That was just an excuse! We were seeing each other. I fucked up.

Alyssa: Did you want to be his girlfriend?

Suzie: I don’t fucking know! Doesn’t matter now, anyway.

Alyssa: I’m sorry, Zee. :(

Suzie: What is wrong with me? Why can’t I do anything right?

Alyssa: Nothing’s wrong with you. You were spreading your wings. Someone caught feelings.

Suzie: I knew he was jealous. I knew, and I didn’t care. Hence, bitch.

Alyssa; You broke your first heart. It sucks, I know. In a way, it’s good for you.

Suzie: How?

Alyssa: It’s part of growing up, experiencing the world. Feelings get hurt.

Suzie: He shouldn’t have assumed we were basically together, but I still I feel terrible.

Alyssa: Because you’re a good person. You care about people.

Suzie: A good person doesn’t cheat.

Alyssa: You didn’t cheat!

Suzie: Dave thinks I did.

Alyssa: Dave couldn’t accept that you were keeping things casual. That’s on him.

Suzie: I wish I still believed that. I did at first, but now I don’t.

Alyssa; Okay, enough! You and me. Dinner. Tonight. No excuses.

Suzie: Fine, I’ll meet you.

With a loud sigh, I set my phone down and tried to actually get some work done. I did not do a very good job. I had to listen to the same recording three times to actually comprehend what it said. That was just great. Just fucking great.

My frustration only grew as the morning slowly went on. Every little thing pissed me off and made me want to scream. Finally, just when I logged off for lunch, my phone went off. I picked up the stupid thing, almost ready to throw it when I realized it wasn’t Alyssa who was texting me.

Steven: I wanted to wish you a happy birthday, but I don’t remember if it’s today or tomorrow.

Suzie: It’s tomorrow, but thanks! I’ll be twenty-five on the twenty-fifth!

Steven: Golden birthday! I’ll remember to text you tomorrow.

Suzie: You don’t have to! :)

Steven: I want to. How are things for you?

Suzie: Been better, to be honest.

Steven: Sorry to hear that. :( Do you wanna talk about it? I can be a good listener.

Did I want to talk about it? I had fought Alyssa when she tried to pull the information out of me. Maybe talking to Steven would help? I could get a man’s perspective on things. It was definitely an idea. Although, I was sick of texting all the time.

Suzie: Maybe I could call you later?

Steven: I can talk now, if that works?

Suzie: Really? Sure!

I had figured Steven was at work, so I was surprised he was able to make time to call me as soon as I asked. I was also shocked that I wasn’t feeling any anxiety about talking to him, since he was a guy I was interested in. It was probably because he made me so comfortable. Just like Henry did.

“Hello?” I said into the phone.

“Hey, Suzie.” a smooth voice responded. “It’s Steven.”

“I know, silly!” I giggled. “Sorry for interrupting your work day.”

“It’s lunch time, so no worries.” Steven answered. “Stacey should be okay by herself for a few minutes, at least.”

“Oh, who’s Stacey?” I inquired in a cute voice. Just hearing this guy was putting me in a better mood.

“She’s my assistant.” he told me.

“And another hot woman you’re boning?” I suggested, amazed by my own boldness.

“A gentleman never tells.” Steven laughed.

“That’s a yes!” I teased, climbing into bed so I could relax and talk.

“No comment.” he replied. “Anyway, what’s going on?”

“Well, you remember my list of acts that I told you about?” I asked.

“Sure, I remember.” Steven confirmed.

“I was doing things with a few different guys, some I barely even knew. I know, it’s slutty, and I can’t believe I’m telling you all this, I just feel like you won’t judge me and I can talk to you.” I rambled on, the words tumbling out of my mouth as I shared way too much with someone I met one time. “Dave was jealous of one of my dates, we never really talked about it after that, but I knew he wanted me all to myself. We never agreed to be exclusive, though! He gave me a really nice birthday present and asked me to be his girlfriend. Then he found out I was messing around with other guys. We yelled at each other, I got mad that he assumed I was his. He asked me to leave and hasn’t talked to me since. I’m a cheating bitch!”

My breathing was heavy, and I’m sure Steven could hear me panting into the phone. Tears were forming in my eyes as I lay my head back against the pillow. Fuck! Fuck, fuck, fuck! What was I gonna do? Dave was a great guy, and I broke his heart.

“First off,” he began slowly, after digesting everything I just told him, “I definitely won’t judge you. Second, Dave was never your boyfriend. It sounds like he put a lot more of his heart into the relationship than you did.”

“Yeah, that seems right.” I acknowledged.

“You can’t control other people’s feelings.” Steven insisted. “I know you’re feeling some guilt about hurting him, and that just shows you care. Still, you never promised him anything. It sucks that he got hurt, but you can’t dwell on it. You can’t let it paralyze you. You have to live your life.”

Steven was good. He was compassionate and insightful. Even after only meeting once, he understood me. He knew I’d withdraw back into myself and avoid people, avoid living. I was right to feel guilt about hurting Dave, I knew that. I disregarded his feelings and acted as if mine were all that mattered.

Yet, I had to move on. I had to learn from this experience and do better in the future. People got really emotional when it came to their romantic entanglements. I understood that, I screamed at Alyssa out of jealousy over Steven and Henry. Nodding to myself, I promised to always consider other people’s feelings.

It also wasn’t entirely my fault. Or that’s what I tried to convince myself of, at least. I didn’t belong to Dave. I never agreed to only see him. Sure, I definitely liked him, but he didn’t make my heart race. Still, maybe I led him on?

“Guess I’m staying a virgin for awhile.” I giggled, trying to lighten the mood a little bit.

“Does joking mean you’re feeling better?” he asked.

“Only partly joking, but yeah, I’m feeling better. Thank you.” I replied.

“Glad to hear it!” Steven exclaimed. “You know, my offer still stands.”

“Is that so?” I purred into the phone, feeling myself start to get wet as I pictured the sexy man.

“I have references.” he pointed out in an amused voice.

“My, someone is confident in his abilities!” I laughed. “How can you be sure the girls will give you glowing recommendations?”

“That’s true.” Steven admitted. “Maybe they’ll tell you I’m a selfish lover and I cum in two thrusts.”

“Somehow, I doubt that.” I told him. Maybe I just needed a little flirting to bring me out of my funk.

“No pressure, I don’t want to make you nervous, just know the offer is there.” he stated calmly.

“And you’ll be gentle?” I wondered in a coy voice.

“You won’t even feel me.” Steven vowed in a sincere voice.

I burst out laughing. The phone actually fell out of my hand as I shook with giggles. Soon, tears were running down my cheeks. Was it really that funny? Maybe not, but I had a ton of pent up tension. It felt so fucking good to feel it melt away as I expressed my mirth.

“Thanks for that.” I finally said, picking up the phone as my other hand wiped away my tears.

“You’re welcome.” he chuckled.

“So, how would this work?” I asked between giggles. “Do I just come over to your house and bend over?”

“I think I can prepare something a little nicer than that.” Steven replied. “If you want, we can make a full night of it. Nice dinner, candles, music. I’m told I give nice back rubs. We can take things as slow as you’d like. And you can always back out at any time, I won’t be upset. If you want me, of course. I know you think I’m cute, but I don’t wanna assume you’re interested.”

“You are cute!” I admitted, a bit smile on my face. “And I think you already know I definitely want you.”

My heart was racing. One of the sexiest men I’d ever met wanted me! Me! Suzie! I had to take a second and think. I wanted him, I knew I wanted him. Still, I had to remember to consider people’s feelings going forward. He was taken, but his relationship was obviously open, so neither of us would be cheating on anyone. I wanted him, he wanted me, everything was perfect.

So, what was holding me back? I wracked my brain trying to figure it out. Then I knew. It was Dave. I remembered the agony written all over his face when I broke his heart. What if I had sex with Steven and ended up falling in love with him? He was just so damn incredible.

“And I want you.” he whispered. “You’re beautiful, Suzie.”

“Wow. That’s ... wow.” I managed to say, overwhelmed by how compassionate and understanding this man was. “Steven, I’m so grateful. You are just amazing. That’s the problem. You’re too amazing. From everything Lexi and Nicole have said, not to mention the state you managed to leave my sexy, but slutty sister in. I just, I’m not sure I could do that with you and not fall for you. You’re taken, and even if you weren’t, I’m just not ready for that kind of situation right now. I’m sorry. I really want to! You seem so perfect. You’re incredibly sexy, and you make me feel all tingly. And, and, and now I’m rambling.”

“It’s adorable.” Steven laughed softly. “And I understand completely.”

“I’m sorry to decline over the phone like this,” I began with a sigh, “but I can’t trust that, if I was with you in person, that my pussy wouldn’t just jump on your magnificent dick.”

“Magnificent, eh?” he followed up with. “That’s quite the compliment.”

“Don’t let it go to your head.” I giggled.

“I’ll do my best.” Steven promised.

We talked for a few more minutes, but then we both had to get going. I went back to work, doing my best to catch up on the tasks I failed to do in the morning. My feelings were more under control after talking with Steven, but I was definitely still in a foul mood.

My hands held the steering wheel in a death grip, the tension in my body obvious as I drove to the restaurant. I wasn’t anxious. No, I was angry. Not at Dave, not anymore. Angry at my fears, my inexperience, angry at myself for hurting someone so badly. I caused someone pain. I hated myself for that.

“Hey, Zee!” Alyssa exclaimed, hugging me tightly. “How are you feeling?”

“Been better.” I mumbled, slowly returning the hug.

“Let’s talk inside.” my sister gave me a tight smile.

Alyssa didn’t pressure me to say anything. She let me sit across from her at the table as we both snacked on free bread and sipped on our sodas. I wasn’t even sure where to begin. We placed our dinner orders before I finally managed to open my mouth.

“I broke someone’s heart.” I sighed.

“I know.” Alyssa nodded slowly. “I’m sorry.”

“You should have seen how he looked at me.” I sniffled. “He was devastated.”

“Do you regret the things you’ve done?” she asked. “Sexually, I mean?”

“No, I don’t.” I shook my head. “I’ve been able to experience things I never thought I would. I still get anxious, and probably always will, but now? Now I can fight through it. I can do the things I want to do. Being extra close with my big sister is a nice bonus, too.”

“Love ya, too, Zee.” Alyssa smiled briefly before her face fell. “Heartbreak sucks, but it’s part of life. Sadly, you’ll probably experience it yourself at some point. Likely more than once.”

“I deserve it.” I replied.

“No one deserves that.” she insisted. “It just happens. I’ll ask again, did you want to be his girlfriend?”

“I don’t think I wanna be anyone’s girlfriend right now.” I answered carefully. “I was so sheltered, I’m still so sheltered. I wanna explore being Suzie before becoming half of a couple.”

“Then breaking his heart was unavoidable.” Alyssa stated firmly. “He wanted more than you could give him right now. Maybe you were a little cruel, but just use it as a learning experience.”

“Steven said something similar.” I commented.

“You talked to Steven?” she followed up with.

“Yeah, he texted me.” I said. “Then we talked on the phone. He offered to take my virginity again, to make it really special.”

“Aw, that was nice of him.” Alyssa grinned.

“Or he just wanted more pussy.” I giggled.

“Nah, he really cares about people.” she reminded me before grinning slyly. “Besides, he can get all the pussy he wants. Mine included.”

“Whore.” I snorted, my eyes sparkling.

“Like Steven would ever have to pay for nookie.” Alyssa rolled her eyes.

“Good point.” I agreed.

“So, are you gonna take him up on his offer?” my big sister inquired.

“I told him no.” I explained. “I was afraid I’d fall in love with him, and that would be a disaster. I’m not ready for it, and he’s not available.”

“I agree, falling in love with Steven would lead to you getting hurt.” Alyssa told me. “Just be careful. You didn’t sleep with Dave because you didn’t feel a connection with him, and now you’re not sleeping with Steven because you do.”

“I thought about sleeping with Dave!” I countered. “I just wasn’t ready. And how would you know, anyway?”

“I know my sister.” she smirked. “I’m just saying, be careful you aren’t just using excuses. You don’t have to have sex with anyone, but think about the real reason you’re avoiding it.”

“I’ll think about it.” I sighed. My sister did have a point, unfortunately. “Looks like I’m out of time, anyway. Twenty-three out of twenty-five isn’t bad.”

“You’re up to twenty-three?” Alyssa frowned, looking confused. Then a mischievous grin split her face. “What did you and Dave get up to, young lady?”

“I gave him a lap dance.” I admitted, looking down with a blush. “Oh, and we did a sixty-nine.”