Chapter 82: Q&A

Monday, April 8, 1985

Claire and I only had a few minutes to catch up before class. She described her trip home as ‘uneventful,’ which was not that dissimilar from mine. The little things often seem ‘uneventful,’ right up until something happens that makes you long for them.

She had told her parents she was dating someone but it wasn’t serious, which had apparently gotten her chided about wasting time. Her position was that most dating would be ‘wasting time’ right now, and she was wasting it with someone she could learn from. That swayed her father a bit, but not her mother. Oh, well.

We settled into our seats and prepared for another day of psych. I was expecting it to be a big one.

As promised, Dr. Huffines called me up to the front of the room midway through class. We’d been talking about the psychology of attraction and attachment for a few days, and she had obliquely referenced gay people a few times, but today we were going to expand that.

When I got up there, she said, “I’d like to introduce those of you who haven’t met him to Steve Marshall. Some of you — those who read The Battalion carefully — are aware that Steve, who is completely straight, has been an active supporter of what’s become known as ‘gay rights’ for several years now, long before coming to Texas A&M. He’s active in Gay Student Services as a friend and ally. I wanted to let him speak first, because he’s much more of a parallel for those of you who are straight than someone gay would be.”

I smiled, and said, “Thank you, Professor. Howdy!”

That got the expected “Howdy!” back from the class. Always get your audience engaged somehow, if you can.

“Many of you might be expecting some big, complicated argument. This won’t be that. I can do that — very well! — but it doesn’t take anything big or complicated. The long and the short of it is this: gay people are just people. Sure, who they’re attracted to is different, but that’s it. Everything else you’ve heard has nothing to do with their being gay, it has to do with how society relates to gay people and how gay people relate to society because of that.”

I got some heads nodding. Not all of them, but a goodly number.

“That, by the way, brings us into the realm of psychology, but not their psychology. Rather, it’s the psychology of people who look at someone whose chosen romantic partner isn’t the person they think is acceptable and, instead of thinking of it as a ‘me problem,’ they think of it as a ‘them problem.’ I’m going to ask you: who do you think has the right to decide whether you should like, or love, someone? If it’s anyone other than ‘yourself,’ we might have a disagreement.”

That got a wave of chuckling.

“Now, you may seriously and honestly believe, for religious reasons or for whatever other reasons you want, that someone shouldn’t love the person they love. That’s absolutely fine! But that’s a ‘you problem.’ You don’t like it. Of course, you’re free to tell them you don’t like it, but you’re not free to force them to make different choices. You are free to not associate with them, but — from my moral compass — you’re not free to harm them just because of who they love.”

More nodding. Definitely not everyone, and there were a few frowns. Can’t win ‘em all!

“For me, it’s simple: Why should I care what other people do in the bedroom? Or who they kiss? Who they go home to at night, or who they dance with? It doesn’t affect me! It doesn’t affect anyone but them.”

I paused for a second. The people who were nodding looked more thoughtful, which was good.

“I’ve got one more observation, and then I’ll be happy to entertain some questions. The observation is this: yes, I have plenty of gay friends, but I formed my opinions before knowing any of them were gay. It’s about how you should treat people, not about protecting my friends. That came later. My friends are very important, and I’ll go to great lengths to help them...”

Jas, Angie, and Paige grinned at that, and so did Claire. Cammie had a more serious look. Meanwhile, Matt and Lisa both looked like they guessed there was a story there and wanted to hear it.

“ ... but it’s not about going out of your way for people you know, it’s about figuring out what you believe and sticking to it. If you’re the other way — if you really aren’t comfortable with gay people — imagine finding out your best friend is gay. What would you do then? If it’s different than how you would treat someone you didn’t know, ask yourself why.”

The nods were still more thoughtful, I thought.

“Now, questions! Anything’s on the table.”

There was pause. Then a guy I didn’t know (not that I knew that many people in this class) said, “Aren’t you uncomfortable if it’s a guy? Like ... you know ... is he trying to pick you up?”

I shook my head.

“Nah, and I mean that. I know who I am. He’s not going to pick me up. I want to step back, though, because it’s an interesting question. Is his trying to pick me up offensive? Or would it be more offensive if he didn’t want to? And what does ‘trying to pick me up’ mean, exactly? If he’s just looking and fantasizing, I can no more control that than anyone can. It doesn’t hurt me. I think some of the girls in here would tell you that even thinking about someone fantasizing about them makes them feel uncomfortable...”

There was a lot of nodding at that from the girls, though not all of them.

“ ... but they would probably also acknowledge that it happens much more often than they think it happens...”

The nodding kept going.

“ ... and that sometimes it might be a guy friend. Or, perhaps, a female friend. I’m not going to ask which is more uncomfortable, but the point remains, over half of the human race thinks about this all the time and deals with it, and mostly manages to not freak out about it.”

Some of the girls laughed at that, a few pretty strongly.

The next few questions were pretty basic: how did I find out about GSS, how did I find out my high school friends were gay, and so forth.

After maybe ten minutes, Dr. Huffines said, “I’m going to introduce our next speaker, but I’ll ask Steve to remain down here a second, since she’s very close to him. Our next speaker is Steve’s sister Angie. She’s been in the public eye as a lesbian for nearly a year now and is happy to talk about her experiences and how she sees this.”

A bunch of people kinda looked around. The article had mentioned my sister, but I guess many people hadn’t realized she was here, in the same class.

Angie stood, waved, and walked to the front.

“The reason I asked Steve to stay is because, obviously, it’s personal to him. I thought he might want to say something about that.”

I nodded.

“Well, first ... howdy, Sis!”

“Howdy, Bro!” she said.

That got the laughter I intended, thankfully.

“So ... it is personal for me, but you’ll all need to remember that I was already on this path long before Angie figured herself out...”

“That part of me!” Angie said. “Still working on more!”

Another round of laughter.

“ ... and it’s good fortune, not me saying, ‘Well, I’d better be nice to gay people just in case my sister is gay!’”

Not as much laughter, but enough.

Angie waved again and said, “To be clear: I was dating boys when Steve first started welcoming gay people into our circle of friends and when he befriended a very public lesbian in our high school. It was quite a while later that I figured things out.”

I nodded and scooted off to the side. It was Angie’s show now.

“First, I’m going to slightly correct Dr. Huffines. It’s important, too. We’ve already heard about the Kinsey scale. I’m probably in the middle to maybe a bit on the gay side, so I would call myself bisexual. When you hear people say being gay is a ‘choice,’ it probably is — for me. Some of my friends? No. Definitely no! The point for me isn’t what body parts someone has, the point for me is that I love them. I love my girlfriend and she loves me, and that’s what matters. I didn’t ‘choose to be gay,’ I chose to love Paige. And, since she’s here, and it’s not like her name is a secret...”

Paige hopped up and said, “Howdy!”

“Howdy!” came right back.

Paige waved and sat back down.

Angie continued, saying, “The reason we’re in the public eye is simple. Paige and I went to our Senior Prom together, just like our friends Lizzie and Janet did one year before us. That got us in the newspapers, because it’s still news in this country that people who aren’t straight still want to go to proms and dance and enjoy themselves the same way straight people do. The good news is: now it’s been done a couple of times. And everyone survived! Heck, we got a lot of really nice comments! It gives hope to other people, and I’m proud to be part of that.”

She got a pretty healthy round of applause.

“I’m not sure what else to say. You probably have questions, so I’ll leave it open to you.”

A girl named Victoria, who I knew nothing else about, stood and asked, “How did you ... um ... know? I mean, if you could date boys...?”

I wasn’t sure if that was a ‘maybe I’m gay’ question, or just her being awkward about an awkward subject.

Angie said, “At the time, I was dating a guy named Gene. Gene is a great guy! He’s a close friend, and his now-girlfriend is also a close friend. His parents are friends of mine, too. I don’t think Gene and I were destined to be a great romance, and Sue is a better match for him, anyway, but I want to be clear: he didn’t ‘turn me gay.’”

That got a lot of laughter.

“Paige and I hung out a lot together. We talked a lot and ... well, over time, I started realizing I had feelings for her. She started realizing she had feelings for me, too. One day, we got to where we confessed them and ... that was it, really. It’s not like I ‘knew I was gay,’ because I’m not gay, I’m just not straight. What I mean by that is, it’s not that I’m with Paige because she’s a girl, I’m with Paige because I love her and she’s right for me. If Gene had been Paige in a guy’s body, we would still be together. So, for me, ‘how did I know?’ is pretty much synonymous with ‘how do you know you love someone?’ That’s a big topic, and it might not help, but...”

“It helped,” Victoria said, blushing. “Thanks!”

“Let me add,” Angie said. “I have female friends who’ve never seriously dated a boy. They just knew. How did they know? I can’t tell you. There’s a George Carlin routine where someone says to him, ‘How do you know you don’t like it if you haven’t even tried it?’ and he responds, ‘It came to me in a dream!’”

Lots of laughter. Hard not to, with Carlin, and Angie had Carlin’s inflection down perfectly.

“The thing is, that’s how dating works for everyone. Most of you are straight. Look around the room. Is everyone of the opposite sex someone you would jump at the chance to date, just on looks?”

Lots of people shook their heads.

“Someone you’re not attracted to might say, ‘How do you know you wouldn’t like me? You haven’t tried!’ And, honestly, that’s fair, as far as it goes. But it’s not a rule, and we expect people to date others they’re attracted to.”

Nodding, mostly, again. Some people looked a little uncomfortable.

“The other way I might approach it will make some of you more uncomfortable,” Angie said. “But it’s just as fair for someone to ask you, ‘Hey, how do you know you wouldn’t like dating someone of the same sex as you? Have you tried it?’ Many people think that’s a rude question. If you step back, though, how is it any more rude than the reverse?”

Some more nodding, along with some frowns.

“Anyone else?”

Some guy in the back of the room said, “How do you know you don’t like it if you won’t even try it?”

He paused a second, then said, “Just kidding!”

Most people laughed. I did, too, though (of course) I wasn’t sure where he was going.

“My real question is ... and I’m not sure I’m phrasing it right ... what do you say to people who are genuinely offended by the idea of gay people? Or maybe what they do? I’m not sure how to put it, and I don’t want to be offensive.”

“Thanks!” Angie said. “I get your point, and you weren’t offensive. What I say is ‘Fine! Go ahead! Be offended if you want to!’ I’m serious about that. They have every right to be offended. The thing is, their offense doesn’t give them any right to harm me. Whether that’s passing laws, firing me, beating me up, whatever. Keeping me from going to prom counts!”