Chapter 20

“I’m really sorry I scared you that badly,” Nicole told me, before turning and giving me a sympathetic smile. “I can only imagine what that must have been like for you.”

Our legs dangled over the building’s edge. Both of us were sitting on the edge, overlooking the vast nothingness below. I nodded and looked up. “I don’t blame you.”

Her smile turned genuine, yet somber. “It’s sweet you say that, but ... c’mon, dude.” She rolled her eyes and made her legs start to criss-cross. “It was the dumbest thing I ever did.”

“I thought the dumbest thing you ever did was that thing with Allistair at the party,” I pointed out with a humorous tone.

“Yeah, there are a lot of contenders there, but I outdid myself with this one,” she added humorously.

“I wasn’t exactly perfect either,” I admitted, finding her hand with mine and squeezing it.

“But we were so fuckin’ human, weren’t we?” she asked with this faux inquisitive voice. “Anyways, how’s school?”

“Finals start soon,” I admitted. “Like, in a few days.”

“And lemme guess, you’re not prepared for aaaaany of ‘em,” she replied with a smirk.

I smirked back. “Excuse me, I kinda had other shit on my mind,” I replied teasingly. “Who’s even prepared for Salvador’s finals anyway? Business will be fine. Health and Wellness is still a bullshit class, I don’t care what you say.”

“And chem?” she asked.

“Yeah, okay, I’m gonna fuckin’ suck at chem,” I admitted.

Nicole giggled and ruffled her hand through my hair. “You have a few days to study, dummy. Use ‘em.”

I sighed, looking away. “I dunno,” I truthfully told her, looking away. “It’s really hard to actually focus right now.”

“Yeah,” Nicole mumbled, the mood dropping. “I guess I’m sorry for that too.”

I waved my hand dismissively, still looking away. “I don’t want you apologizing for any of it. It doesn’t change how I see you at all.” I paused. “I’ll always love you, no matter what.”

“I’ll always love you too,” Nicole told me quietly, and the two of us remained there for a while. “You should probably get going soon, huh?” she finally asked. “You got a big day ahead.”

I sighed again. “I don’t want to.”

“I know,” she admitted. “But hey, I’ll be here. You know that.”

“You’d better be.”

My eyes didn’t shoot open when I awoke. I was over that by this point. Instead, they slowly opened, accepting that today was another day. I stared at the ceiling for a bit, before stretching. Some days I stared at the ceiling for a while before getting out of bed. Today, I had a little more energy.

I threw on my clothes, taking them from the carefully organized dresser, and made my way downstairs. “Morning,” I called out to Mom and Dad with little energy as I approached the breakfast table.

“Good morning, sweetie,” Mom said affectionately. “How are you doing today, are you okay?”

“Yeah, I think I’m okay,” I replied softly. “I, uh, had the dream again.”

Dad turned around, nodding. “Was it nice?”

“Yeah,” I admitted. “They’re always nice.”

“That’s good,” he told me quietly, then turned back to his frying pan. “Hey, if you don’t mind a topic change...” He looked back at me.

I shook my head.

““ ... I think I’m getting better at making eggs. You want any? I really do think you should start eating breakfast again. It’ll help, I promise.”

I sighed. “Okay, sure, let’s try it today,” I conceded. “But if I can’t eat any more after a few bites, I don’t think there’s anything I can do about it.”

“I understand,” Dad told me seriously. “It means a lot that you’re trying at all.” He got a plate and served me two eggs and a lightly buttered piece of toast. I gave him a small, muted smile, and picked up my fork. Experimentally, I broke a piece off of one of the sunny-side up eggs and put it in my mouth. I slowly chewed it, putting in more effort than I expected, and eventually swallowed.

“What’s the verdict?” Dad asked, leaning into the table.

I ran my tongue around in my mouth and opened my mouth a few times, trying to settle on the taste.

“ ... Looks like manslaughter,” Dad added jokingly.

“They’re fine, it’s just tough to get back into,” I answered. “I’ll finish the eggs and you have the toast.”

“You’ve got yourself a deal,” Dad replied. “Marcia, eggs?”

“Two, please,” Mom said back warmly to Dad, then turned to me and smiled sadly.

It was kind of funny how Mom, Dad and I were having sit-down breakfasts for two weeks now and yet this was the first breakfast I actually ate. Life is funny that way, I guess. I quickly finished my breakfast, then realized I might miss the bus if I didn’t hurry. I scooped up my bag and grabbed my new flip-phone. It was older and could do less. I loved it.

As I ran out the door, the morning sun and dew weren’t the only things to greet me. As I walked down the driveway, I dared to steal a glance at the property two houses down from mine. I wasn’t too shocked to see the new sign sticking out of their lawn. ‘For Sale.’ That sounded about right. Once or twice in the past few weeks I entertained the idea of visiting them, talking to them, but ... what the hell would I even say?

After getting off the bus, I walked silently to my locker. Apart from lunches, I didn’t really talk to anyone these days. At lunch time, I’d hang out with Megan and Athena and Zelda, but the rest of the time, I was just doing my thing. Heck, maybe I’d come to really miss it over the summer and blossom into a social butterfly in grade eleven again. Grade eleven.

The school was only barely beginning to get back to normal, and even then, it was like we forgot what “normal” even was. It was nothing like the movies. It wasn’t like they made her a martyr or anything, it wasn’t like they all went, “oh, she’s so cool and we all should have listened to her.” Hell, some students actually went in the other direction. A group of kids started some online page talking about how much of a selfish slut she was and that she deserved what she got. The kid who made it was quickly found out and expelled though. That was nice. A little bit of justice.

For the most part, the aura in the beginning was more like a combination of disbelief and panic. Ms. Dewitt, the school counselor, became fully booked immediately, as were the two grief counselors the school immediately hired. It was all the students could talk about, and yet ... they didn’t know what to say at all. The morning the news broke, instead of having a normal class, Salvador asked us to sit in a circle onstage like we did that time he reprimanded us. Only, this time, he ... cried. He talked about how important life is, how important it is to keep the people we love close, and how much each and every one of us meant. We all talked. We all cried.

I don’t think I’ll ever be able to get the visual of Salvador crying out of my head. Add it to the pile, I guess.

When I closed my locker, I realized I wasn’t alone. I turned to my right to see Carson standing next to me, looking a little sheepish. The last time we talked was when we were at his locker and he said ... he said to Nicole...

“Hey,” he told me in a low, gravelly voice.

“Hi, Carson,” I told him flatly, locking my locker. “What do you need?”

He stared at me for a bit and sighed. “That’s a great question, isn’t it?” he asked. “I don’t know. I guess I ... I wanted to let you know that ... I dunno. Some part of me wouldn’t be able to forgive myself if I didn’t tell you that I didn’t mean the last thing I said to her.”

I stared a hole through him. “Well, you said it, didn’t you?” I told him.

“Yeah. Some part of me can’t help but wonder if ... never mind, it’s stupid...”

“No. She didn’t give enough of a shit about you,” I answered, reading his mind. “You didn’t change anything, Carson.”

“Yeah, well...” Carson trailed off. “I guess that’s a comfort. In the worst way. You know.”

“Glad you’re feeling better,” I told him with no emotion, and started to walk away. It was crazy. For so long I had wished so hard for Carson to come back and start a conversation with me, but now that it happened, I couldn’t wait to get away from the guy. And of course he didn’t apologize for anything he said to me. I was still here, I wasn’t gone. He could have made any amends he wanted with me. But that didn’t matter. Everything had to be about her, and everyone knew I was the person who was the closest to her, so everything around me had to be about her too.

Drama class itself was okay. Pretty uneventful. I went up on stage, did what I needed to do, talked to whoever I needed to talk to. I left my ego at the door and acted. That’s what drama class wanted from us, so that’s what I gave. After class was over, I half-expected Savlador to keep me behind and say something, but he only gave me one quick glance before going back to his clipboard.

“See you later, Salvador,” I called out, leaving the aud. He didn’t respond, but hey, he didn’t need to.

Health and Wellness as a class may as well have not existed. I barely cared about it before, and now, well, forget about it. Mr. Wainright didn’t even bother to get me to focus either. He meant well, but he was clueless. I spent class today doing what I always did in his class: staring at the all ahead of me.

Before long, class was over and lunch period had begun. Megan had texted me during second period to ask if I was going to be at the table during lunch, but I didn’t know why she bothered. I was going to be there, for sure, but I wasn’t going to text her back. My phone was too clunky and awkward to text people back, and that suited me just fine.

As I walked down the halls towards the caf, I stopped in the main hallway, looking up at the gaudy and tasteless picture of Nicole they put up. Jesus. Poor Nicole; she would have hated what they did. I scoffed and shook my head, then looked around at the one or two other students observing the picture. They probably thought it was such a good display. They thought Hazelwood was so good for what they did. Clueless.

I joined my friends at the table, sitting down so I could open my lunch bag and stare at it for a bit. Maybe I’d eat a bit more today, but on the other hand, I was kind of full from the breakfast I actually ate today.

Athena watched me looking at my bag. “Is today easier or harder?” she asked me, her voice full of concern.

“Everything’s annoying me today,” I answered honestly. “Did you see the fucking picture in the main hallway? I swear, I just noticed it today. Christ, what a fucking shitshow.”

Athena’s expression turned to confusion. “Wait, yeah, I saw it. What was wrong with it? It looked fine to me.”

Megan looked at Athena with a patient smile. “Nicole may not have liked how it looks,” she explained.

Athena mouthed an ‘ah’ and nodded. She turned to Zelda, who was looking at her, and sheepishly shrugged. Zelda gave her an encouraging smile and squeezed her hand supportively.

I had to admit, I didn’t see them coming. From the stories they told, they weren’t expecting it either, but I was pretty happy for them. For a whole host of reasons, no one was happier for the two of them than Megan, whose smile turned wholesome when she saw Zelda’s hand remain on Athena’s, stroking it supportively. Their hands soon separated and they went back to their lunches.

I turned to Megan. “You’ll never guess who had the balls to talk to me today.”

“Who?” she asked, her face inquisitive.

“Carson,” I replied bitterly. “And he acted exactly like I said he would when he’d talk to me again.”

Megan’s face changed. Her eyebrows slightly lowered and her lips pursed. “Like I said, who?” she asked, her voice more snide.

I chuckled, taking the first bite of my sandwich. “He didn’t even apologize for anything he did to us. Didn’t bother to say he’d put in an effort. He just wanted to say he was sorry for what he said about Nicole.”

“Wait, what did he say about Nicole?” she asked.

I paused. “Something about her looks. I can’t remember,” I lied. “It was a while ago, and I didn’t exactly bother to keep it in my memory banks.”

“Being a dick to women. Shocking,” Zelda noted, now back in this conversation.

Athena shook her head. “What a fucking shame,” she lamented. “How much do you want to bet he and Sabrina will be over by next September?”

“If that,” Megan added.

I kept eating. Part of me just wished I could have my friend back, but I realized that I didn’t even want current Carson back. Not after what he said, and not after what he did. I wanted an older version of Carson, one that didn’t exist anymore. And as long as that version of Carson didn’t exist, there was no point pining for him. I would have preferred to pine for something real.

... Huh. Guess I was really changing. Against Megan’s wishes, I kept reading up on stoicism. She rolled her eyes whenever I brought it up, but it honestly did help me out a lot.

Soon, the five-minute bell rang, and students began to get up from their lunch tables. Athena and Zelda gave us polite goodbyes, then quickly left. Megan and I lingered for a bit longer, eventually locking eyes and giving each other small smiles.

“My locker?” she offered. “I feel like you’re probably just going to fester and brood if you’re left alone for too long today,” she added humorously.

“That’s not even a joke, it’s just true,” I admitted.

“Hey,” she interjected, her mood dropping. Her free hand stroked my arm. “I’m sorry. It’s okay to hurt.”

“I’m not the only one hurting,” I pointed out, looking at her. “You never got to tell her-”

“I know,” she replied quickly, quietly yet with a powerful enough voice to cut me off. “I know. It’s going to ... I’m going to be thinking about that for years, Adam. If not longer. But we all have regrets. What the heck are we going to do about them now? What would she have wanted you to do?”

I shrugged, not wanting to answer the question, and she accepted that. Before long, we were off, making our way towards Megan’s locker. She tried making small talk once or twice, and while I felt a bit guilty for giving answers like “mm, yeah” and “sure, I can see that,” I just didn’t have the energy to engage.

One of the loveliest things about Megan was that she understood. She didn’t need to be told why I didn’t feel like replying. She just accepted it and moved on, and tried to be there. She was such a ... such a friend.

I leaned on a locker near hers and watched her fiddle around with her stuff, until I heard an “excuse me” from behind me.

I turned around to see some nerdy-looking timid girl. I lowered an eyebrow. Long black hair. “What?”

“You’re, um, leaning on my locker,” she replied.

I looked at the locker and, with a sigh, pushed myself off and got closer to Megan. “Sorry,” I tossed behind me.

“It’s okay ... Adam,” she replied, going up to her locker.

I gave her a weird look, then remembered, oh yeah, I was the Student Council President. I guess people knew my name. “That’s my name, correct,” I responded, not knowing what else to say.

She shrugged. “Well, we met once before, so...”

I gave her an inquisitive look. “Um, sorry, I don’t remember.” I paused. “To be fair, it’s been a hell of a month.”

“I heard, I’m really sorry,” she replied quietly. “My name is S-Sophie.”

“Got it,” I replied, turning back to face Megan. “What are the odds of being in homeroom together for two semesters in a row? Crazy. Is she a friend of yours?”

“Um, no, we don’t talk much,” Megan replied awkwardly. Sophie eventually went away, and when she did, Megan just looked at the vacant spot where Sophie stood and sighed. “You could have been nicer.”

“Anyone could have been nicer to anyone,” I argued. “I’m just trying to get through the day, Megan.”

She was still looking off towards where Sophie was. “Maybe you should just start meeting girls again.”

My eye twitched. “And what, replace her?!” I asked, heat building up in my voice.

Megan slammed her locker. “No, you ... you idiot,” she yelled back with just as much force. “Just live. That’s all I’m asking you to do, to live, to keep living. It might be a good distraction to meet new people, and remember that life is worth living.”

I laughed a very ‘wow, you went there’ laugh. “That’s a hell of a thing to say right now, Megan.”

“We have three overbooked counselors at the school right now because people have forgotten that, yes, life is worth living,” Megan shot back, turning to fully face me. “I’m not always going to coddle you, Adam. We’re all hurting here, but there comes a time when you accept that you’re hurting but you go on living. You don’t need to stop grieving, but you do need to make sure it doesn’t take over your entire life.”

“Megan, she was my entire life,” I seethed, my blood boiling, my eyes getting misty.

She didn’t back down. “Then that sounds like an even bigger reason to find other things that make life happy,” she replied. “You had a life before meeting her-”

“I really didn’t.”

“And there have been so many people who have managed to find happiness in their lives after things like this happened. I get it will take time, Adam, I get it, but you need to help it happen. Stop ... stop refusing to live! Are you going to have a life after her or not?!”

“Well it’s either that or-”

“Don’t you dare,” she fumed.

I threw my hands up. “Whatever, whatever. I dunno what you want me to say. ‘I’m gonna wallow for a little more’? It sure sounds pathetic when I say it like that. So I guess you win today, Megan. I’m pathetic. I’m fucking pathetic. I’m worse than you. Is that what you wanted to hear?!”

Her expression turned from angry to sad. We did little more than stare at each other for the next ten seconds. “Maybe I’m rushing you, I’m sorry,” she eventually said. “If you need to take more time...”

I sighed. “Oh, come on, Megan, don’t guilt me like this, you know it’s going to work.”

“I’m not guilting, I’m trying to understand you,” she replied.

“Normally you don’t put up a fight like this,” I observed. “You just go, ‘oh, Adam doesn’t feel like replying. That’s okay.’”

She got quiet for a bit. “It just ... scares me when I see you rejecting what you used to love.”

I chuckled. “I used to love Sophie or whatever her name was?” I asked, pointing behind me.

“No, but you used to love being around people. You used to love being more social, and now you’re just ... closed in.” She paused, and shook her head. “I’m just worried.”

“I know,” I replied, nodding. We paused, and I grabbed her hand and held it. “I’ll get there. I’ll become Adam again. But, uh ... it might be a new Adam. I feel like you’ll understand that more than anyone.”

“Do I have permission to be more scared than anyone too?” she asked timidly, yet warmly, like we were sharing an inside joke.

One of the corners of my mouth lifted in a sly smile. “Permission granted,” I murmured, letting go of her hand after.

“How kind of you,” she sarcastically retorted, then looked around us. We were basically the only two left. “We’re going to be late for class.”

“Yeah, possibly,” I admitted, getting the hint. “See ya!” I tossed behind me, walking towards chemistry class.

When I got there, Mr. Carrozza seemingly didn’t mind my late entry. The attendance was still on his desk, anyhow. That was very in-character for him. I nodded at him and breathed a silent prayer, finding my desk and sitting down.

Weirdly, despite this class being the most dense, I found I could focus on it a little bit better than business class or certainly health and wellness. Maybe it was because chemistry was harder that I found I could understand it a little bit easier. When I had to work for it, only then did I succeed.

Even so, Mr. Carrozza called me to his desk as soon as the work period began. He nervously started drumming over his desk with his fingertips as he looked over my past papers. “Young master Watson,” he began, his whisper dry as chalk. “I do have to say, I am rather ... well, worried, I s’pose.” He looked over my last few tests. “I’m looking over these tests, and ... not only do I see a bright young man who is not reaching his potential...”

“Mr. Carrozza-”

“I can’t help this nagging feeling that, despite it all, you actually knew the answers, deep in your head,” he concluded, pointing erratically to his own head. “Now, I can’t prove it, of course, but, well ... Needless to say, if perhaps you needed more time...”

I sighed. “Mr. Carrozza, I just have had a lot on my mind these last few weeks. Ms. Dewitt has said that perhaps I should have stayed out of classes for more than a few days.”

“Yes yes, quite so,” Mr. Carrozza said dismissively. “Nevertheless, now that you are ... within these walls ... yes? Perhaps we could talk strategy, hm? Now, what can we both do to ensure that you have the best mental faculties available to you? The final is in a few days!”

I stared at him for a bit. Christ, this guy just didn’t get it. “Tell you what,” I told him, pretending to humor him. “Why don’t I go into the hallway and think about it for a bit?”

“Well, I s’pose, if that’s what you need, yes yes, quite...” Mr. Carrozza babbled to himself. His voice got quieter and quieter, fading away as I walked out of the chemistry class and shut the door. My back hit the cool concrete of the school wall, and I shut my eyes and sighed.

I used to do this a lot more in the early days. When teachers were too much, I’d find every reason to come into the hallways and just ... exist. As quietly as possible. It was getting rarer these days, which I suppose was progress, but even still, every now and then I just needed a break. I didn’t expect anyone else to understand.

“Hey,” a voice broke me out of my thoughts. I opened my eyes quickly to see Morgan standing there, looking at me with a slightly upset expression.

“Didn’t hear you leave class,” I mumbled, getting up off the wall. “What do you need?”

“I don’t need anything,” she replied. “I just see you coming out to the hallways every so often. I wanted to ask if you needed anything.”

I opened my mouth, but just closed it. Shrugging, I replied, “What I need, not even God can give me.”

Morgan gave me a perhaps playful weirded out expression. “Oh, so you come out here to, like, get poetic?”

I shrugged again. “Sure.”

“Sorry,” she immediately added. “I was trying to be funny. It didn’t work. I get it, though. I remember what you told me at the party. But I – is it okay if I give you some advice?”

I rolled my eyes, then shook my head. “Sorry, that was mean,” I mumbled.

“I think I did the same to you once. We’re even,” Morgan’s flat voice replied.

“Uh, go ahead. I’ve probably heard it before, though,” I honestly replied.

“I know it really – okay, I don’t know, but I can understand that it really hurts losing a girl when you did something to hurt her and you never really recovered,” she boldly began.

My facial expression made her stop. I slowly but emphatically shook my head. “You don’t know that,” I darkly told her. “You just assumed that. Nicole and I were doing better than ever. We were...” I got choked up. “We ... she said...” The tears were coming.

“Oh, wow. Um, okay. Hey, I’m sorry,” Morgan fumbled, not knowing what to do with her hands seeing me get more and more upset. “I am not doing good with this. Um ... look, I was just going to say, I remember what you said to me at the party. About meeting someone worth feeling that way eventually. I ... I just wanted to say...” She looked pretty emotional too, though she was nowhere near tears. “Everyone wanted to be a part of Nicole’s world, and ... and I bet she was so lucky to find someone worth feeling that way. Some people, like, search their whole lives for that shit. I know – fuck, I understand feeling angry that you didn’t get more time together, but...” Morgan groaned to herself and hit a nearby locker. “You made her life better. Think of how many other lives you’re gonna make better. Alright? That’s all. I’m sorry.”

She started to walk back towards the class and saw me hold out an arm. She paused, then stopped, standing in front of me, even though I didn’t say anything for the longest time. Eventually, I raised my head. “There are so many people that feel like they need to tell me something right now,” I began. “People just know me as that one guy Nicole was around a lot. And now, everyone – and I mean everyone, it’s been, like, multiple people, today alone – feel like they need to tell me something they clearly just wish they could tell her or something.”

Morgan shook her head. “I wanted to talk to you. I can’t say something to Nicole now, but I can say something to you, and maybe you’re holding it in really well, but ... look at you.”

“Look at me,” I repeated with no energy, looking myself over.

We paused, and she leaned against the wall, next to me, slowly starting to talk. “Do ... do you ever think, like, it’s sometimes easier to say things to people you don’t know well? Like, ‘fuck, this person doesn’t know me well, I may as well get this thing off my chest, because, like, it would take more context to tell people who know me, or they could even judge me’ or something?”

I considered her words, then slowly nodded. “Yeah, I think that makes a lot of sense.”

“Is there anything you wanna say?” she offered. “I get I’m basically like a stranger.”

“Kinda strange how we made out and yet you’re saying I’m a stranger,” I noted.

She paused. “I kinda forgot that happened,” she admitted, then scrunched her face slightly. “Sorry ... not like ... I mean...”

I waved her off. “It’s cool,” I replied. “It was really kind of you to offer.”

She was silent for a bit. “If you wanna tell me something, I’m good to listen. If you want me to fuck back off to chemistry, I’m going.”

I paused again. I did have something to say, but it took a lot of energy. I sighed shakily. “Why...” I began clumsily. “Why did it have to be Nicole? Why couldn’t it have been some fucking sicko on the streets? Why did it have to be her?”

I blinked through the tears, and looked up to give Morgan giving me something rare – a visible expression. A sorrowful gaze; a sympathetic almost knowing gaze. She said nothing.

I closed my eyes, then ran forward and slammed on the locker in front of me. Words just came out of me. “I want some answers, and I want ‘em now!”

There was no way chem class, let alone the rest of the school, didn’t hear my scream. I didn’t care if what I was saying was cheesy. I remained at the locker for a bit and turned around. “Why did it have to be her? Why did it have to be when everything was getting better? Why does it seem like no one but me actually gives a shit about her?”

“Adam, no one here probably knew her like you did,” she replied. “If my mom died tomorrow, how much would you feel about her? I get it, she was your world. We just lived in her world. Like, do you want some tough words right now? You’re probably going to be alone a lot while you get through this.”

Once again, silence pooled around us. “And I’m really sorry,” she added. “Like, I’m so fucking sorry. I know I’m barely anyone to you, but like, if I could do anything to make any of this better, I would. And, like, actually. If you think of something ... you have my number still.”

I held up my phone. “I got a new phone,” I told her. “It sucks at texting.”

She nodded, getting it immediately. “Sounds peaceful,” she replied.

“Hey, you’re the first one to actually get it,” I replied.

She emitted a near-silent chuckle, her still expression not changing. “I thought about it once or twice myself,” she admitted. “Well, then ... come and find me. If you need.”

“I thought we were strangers,” I told her. “Why are you offering this?”

“Because, first of all, you’re hurting really badly. That’s good enough,” she replied flatly. “Second, you were nice at the party, and I like how, like, to-the-point you were. You’re blunt. People don’t like blunt. And, like, I’m blunt. Just because some stupid shit happened doesn’t mean I’m gonna forget that. It sucks that this shit happened the way it did, but it’s like, insult to injury that an actually nice guy is hurting because of it.”

“I’m not looking for anyone to pity date me right now,” I replied dismissively.

Another expression, disdain mixed with confusion, clouded her face. “That’s not what I’m offering,” she replied with a sour tone. “I still don’t see you like that. I’m offering to be a friend. You remember friends, don’t you?”

“Barely,” I replied.

“Ooh, edgy,” she retorted, holding up her hands, then just stood there, leaning against the wall, looking at me.

“Thanks,” I eventually told her. “I’m not going to immediately take you up on it though.”

She nodded. “No problem, and you don’t have to,” she told me. “I’m going back to class. If Carrozza asks if I saw you, I’ll say you were on your way to the bathroom.” She didn’t wait for me to reply, and walked back into the room, leaving me alone with my thoughts.