Chapter 17

Hospitals scared the fuck out of me. There was something about their eerie, yellow-white glow, the sounds of quiet distress, and labyrinthine design that made me never like them. It didn’t help that my only memories of going to a hospital were because of bad memories, and this surely wasn’t going to improve them.

Rick, Sydney and I nervously walked up to the front desk, with Rick leaning in to explain we were here to see Nicole Baker. After a song-and-dance about visiting hours and our reasonings and who we were and all that, we were finally admitted in.

I didn’t care about anything that was being said around me. I didn’t care about anything else in the world. I needed to see Nicole, and I needed to see her alive. I was prepared for her to start shouting, yelling anything she needed to poison us, but I wouldn’t care. I needed to be by her side. She needed someone.

Sydney’s mascara was running down her face from crying in fear on the car ride over. Rick kept up his stern expression, and didn’t say much of anything until Sydney started to hyperventilate or something. As usual, I was their third wheel, but I was part of this. I couldn’t not be.

The nurse escorted us down a few hallways until we were taken into this wing with stiff green curtains separating hospital beds, one after the other. Some beds were empty, some had worried people crowded around them, and some just had people laying there, suffering. I could feel my fists clenching as I walked past. This place wasn’t good. Nicole didn’t need to be here.

Eventually, we approached Nicole’s bed. Thanks to the curtain, we were quite close before we saw her. My first sight of her made me worry almost more – she was dressed in one of those hospital gowns, hooked up to a machine and an IV drip of some kind. Her eyes had little red rings around them, like she hadn’t slept in days. Her hair was a mess, and she was looking up at the hospital ceiling like she was madly looking away from someone or something. As soon as we approached, her eyes turned to us. I prepared for them to show anger – they didn’t. If anything, they showed fear. “Oh my God,” she murmured, holding the blanket up. “No. Please.”

Sydney’s lip quivered. “Nicole,” she began in a low voice. “What happened?”

Nicole chewed on something invisible in her mouth, trying to find some kind of response. Her face showed an utter seriousness, almost to the point of anger. Eventually, she took a big breath in. “Tada,” she nearly whispered, never losing her serious expression.

“Are you okay?” I asked. My own breathing was difficult at this point.

Her eyes turned to me. It’s like they were lifeless. She didn’t even care. “Hey squirt,” she told me in the same tone of voice. “Don’t I look terrible?”

I didn’t know how to respond, and defaulted to sarcasm. “We should see the other guy,” I told her, weirdly imitating her serious tone. I had no clue why I did that; I just did.

It got a chuckle out of her, but she never lost that determined, serious ... dead look on her face even when chuckling. She turned to Rick. “Gang’s all here, huh?”

Rick approached her and touched her arm – the one without the IV drip – sympathetically, but she brushed him off. “You shouldn’t touch me,” she told him with no emotion in her tone. “Doctors probably wouldn’t want you doing that.”

“Was this...” Sydney started, nearly choking over her own words. Her eyes squeezed shut. “A ... s-sui-”

“Yes,” Nicole told her seriously, now sitting up in the bed. “Yes it was, Sydney. It was a suicide attempt. Get it out of your system, tell me I’m a bad friend, and leave.”

“We’re not going to do that, Nicole,” Rick told her supportively yet defiantly, despite Sydney now crying too hard to respond herself. “We need to be friends right now. That’s what friends do when their friends aren’t well.”

“And why am I not well?” Nicole challenged him, never once raising her voice. “When’s the last time we hung out, Rick? Hell, let’s throw a softball – when’s the last time we texted? When’s the last time you asked me how I was doing? Is today the day you’re pretending to care, dude? The day you find me in a fucking hospital? How utterly serendipitous, my friend.”

Rick’s stern expression was starting to crack, but he handled it well, exhaling calmly. “You’re right,” he told her. “I haven’t been there for you. That was unfair of me. I-”

“Good start,” Nicole told him, laser focused on him. “Wouldn’t it have been crazy if you were the reason? Can you imagine? You could have saved me, but never did? Boy, wouldn’t that be the worst feeling in the world.” She was starting to smile now, almost evilly, even though tears were pooling in her eyes. “It’s almost a shame I didn’t succeed when you think about it, huh? I’m getting closer to death every day, guys. And I’m getting better at it. I’m going to kill myself any day now.”

That broke the dam for Sydney. She couldn’t bear to be party to this conversation anymore, and with a particularly pained expression, she hid her face in her hands and ran away, bawling. Rick turned where he stood, calling, “Syd-!” after her. He turned back to Nicole and pointed at her. “We’ll be back,” he nearly growled, before chasing after her. I turned with him and ran two steps with him, before turning around.

I had zero intention of running off with them – I barely knew either of them, they were just Nicole’s friends – but I had a feeling making it look like I left was a good strategy here. Sure enough, with her thinking all three of us had run off, Nicole squeezed her eyes shut, covering her mouth with her hand, crying silently to herself. She was nearly convulsing, she was crying so hard. She looked so broken here, so lifeless, and...

... And something spoke to me. Some voice inside my head. Some voice that knew what was going on, why she did what she did. Trying to be silent, I walked back up to her, and waited her for open her eyes again. After a minute, she opened them, and was immediately startled by me. “Wh- christ!” she exclaimed, sadness affecting her voice. “Can you just go!?”

“Can I make one guess about what just happened?” I asked in a small voice. “If I’m wrong, at all, I’ll leave voluntarily. But if I’m a hundred percent right, I just want to stay with you a bit longer.” My gaze wandered to the empty chair beside her. “What do you say?”

“You’re fucking bargaining with me?” Nicole nearly laughed, despite the complete sadness of her face and tone. She stared at me for a bit. “Try me. Tell me about me.”

My jaw quivered. “You love your friends, you love those two,” I began, looking deep into her eyes. “You know...” Nicole was looking at me differently now. My voice caught in my throat. “You know it’s getting harder not to ... you know ... so, to make it easier for them when ... you’re gone ... you’re pushing them away, by any means necessary. The less they like you now, the less it’ll hurt when you’re gone. You’re saying anything to hurt these people not because you want to hurt them...”

Nicole was breathing heavily, tears welling up in her eyes. “Adam, stop...”

“ ... But because you think hurting them now will make them hurt less when you die.” It was getting difficult for me to talk at this point, but I needed to say this. I knew, and Nicole knew, how awfully and selfishly her words came across to others. It was time for her to know someone else knew why she did it. “This is the only way you know how to love when you’re like this.”

A tear rolled down Nicole’s face. “I...” she managed, before breaking down, closing her eyes and crying again. I wasn’t succeeding at holding back my own tears, and extended my hand forward. Nicole eagerly took it, holding onto my hand with hers, still crying, never looking at me. Without us saying anything else, I sat down in the chair beside her, still holding her hand.

A few minutes went by. Nicole went from crying to shivering, to staring back at the ceiling again. Now I knew why her eyes were so red and puffy before. If anything, this time she looked even more drained. Sydney and Rick returned, walking slowly up to us. I got up to talk to them, but Nicole yanked me by the hand, wordlessly telling me to sit down.

“I’m going to be out of the hospital tomorrow,” she told them, almost sternly. Her voice was dry, drained and almost crackly, like dead leaves blowing down the street. “I don’t have any energy. I’m not in a good headspace. If you stay, you’re gonna keep seeing me at my worst.”

Rick looked at Sydney and smiled supportively at her, then turned back to Nicole. “We want to support you,” he told her. “We want to stay.”

“Then you’re going to be silent,” Nicole told them. “If you want me to talk, I’ll talk later.” She had no emotion at all in her voice. She was almost speaking like a robot.

Rick and Sydney walked over to each side of Nicole’s bed and, one at a time, rubbed each shoulder sympathetically. Nicole didn’t react, at all. She just stared up at the ceiling, occasionally sighing in annoyance. I never stopped holding her hand, even after our hands started to get clammy, although Nicole occasionally changed up the angles. Every so often, Sydney would say something, trying to start a conversation, and get absolutely nothing in response. After about fifteen minutes, Sydney cleared her throat.

“Okay. I hope you feel better soon. We’re gonna go.” She looked at Rick, then at me.

I slowly shook my head. “I’m gonna stay, it’s okay.”

Rick shook his head back. “C’mon, Adam. We’re already bending the rules by having more than two visitors at a time. Visiting hours are almost up.”

“I just want a few more minutes. I already texted my dad, he’s going to pick me up. I’ll be fine, guys,” I reasoned, never standing up, never letting go of her hand.

Rick stared me down. He knew as well as I did that he was going to leave. Eventually, he relented, accepting his fate. The two promised Nicole they’d hang out and talk soon, and walked somberly down the hall, their footsteps echoing in the hallway.

There was another silence for a brief period, before Nicole of all people decided to speak. “You should probably text your dad,” she nearly rasped. I looked towards her to see her looking at me blankly. “That thing about you texting your dad. It was a lie, right?”

I stared at her for a bit, before shaking my head and smiling. I took my hand out from her hold and reached into my pocket. “Stop knowing me so well.”

“Nah, never,” she replied casually. Her face was still blank, but I just knew, if this was Nicole at her best, she’d be smiling right now. I quickly texted my dad, then eventually got lost in a sea of social media on my phone. I hadn’t checked my notifications in a while.

“Hey,” Nicole said, grabbing my attention from them. She gestured with her head across the wing to some mild-mannered middle-aged man sitting in a chair, reading a James Patterson book. He looked old and wise, and yet weirdly meek at the same time. “That’s László. He’s here to watch me.” She shifted in her bed. “Turns out, when you try to off yourself, you have to get someone to watch over you to make sure you don’t escape or try to kill yourself with the IV cords or something.” She began to form one of her first smiles since I arrived. “I have a bodyguard. Isn’t that the coolest shit?”

Even though I thought I didn’t have the energy, a smile slowly formed on my face too. I even began to giggle. “Wow,” I said. “Yeah, Nicole, life in the fast lane.”

She cleared her throat. “Hey, László!” she called out. “Where’s Sarah?”

László looked up from his book at her with a puzzled face, then looked down the hallway in both directions. “I can never tell vith that girl,” he said disapprovingly in a thick Hungarian accent.

Nicole turned to me, life back in her eyes. “Sarah’s the other guard, but she patrols the area,” she told me. “They squabble like an old married couple, but she’s, like, nineteen. It’s almost cute.”

László took out a walkie talkie from his belt. “Sarah, are you in the area?” he asked. He got no reply, but Nicole’s smile only got bigger. A few seconds later, a young woman approached. She was dressed in the same uniform as László, but had clearly trendy clothing on underneath.

“What’s the problem, Lás?” she asked.

László pointed to Nicole. “Nikola vas vondering vhere you vere.”

Sarah turned to Nicole, who simply shrugged. “I was just bringing your name up,” Nicole pseudo-lied. “I mentioned it out loud and László just decided to call you up.”

Sarah rolled her eyes and smirked at László, who was looking confusedly back and forth between the two women. “László, when are you going to leave your wife for me?” Sarah joked.

László went “bah” and, with a dismissive wave of the hand, went back to his book.

Sarah giggled then turned back to Nicole. “But, seriously, no problems?”

“Nope,” Nicole said with a shrug. “Sorry to disturb you.”

“All good, this shift is hell anyways,” she replied, walking off.

I turned to Nicole and smiled. She noticed me and looked back, a blank look on her face. “Even here,” I mused. “Even here, you have to cause trouble and make people talk to each other and be so ... human,” I marveled.

Nicole shrugged. “Last time I checked, that was my species,” she flatly told me. “Makes sense I would act like one. The trouble, you don’t even know the half of it. I discovered...” She eyed László and, satisfied he wasn’t listening in, motioned for me to lean in. “I discovered,” she continued in a whisper, “that if the nurse is taking too long with getting me some juice or something, all I have to do is hold my breath. They come running.”

I looked around, confused. None of the nurses were nearby. “Wait, how? They can’t see it,” I replied.

Nicole’s eyes sparkled, then she winked. She drew in a deep breath, then held it. Suddenly, one of the monitors she was hooked up to started beeping, with some kind of flatline appearing on the screen. Even holding her breath, Nicole couldn’t help but smile. I smiled back in disbelief as László piped up. “Nikola, you need to be stopping vith this please,” he told her. “The staff here are very busy.”

Sure enough, a nurse approached Nicole, clearly angry with her. “Stop abusing the system,” she accosted her.

Nicole scoffed. “I asked for a blanket an hour ago,” she reported. “How’s that going?”

The nurse pursed her lips. “We haven’t found one,” she replied tersely. “And if you keep holding your breath like that, we’re going to delay it intentionally.”

Most people would have backed down, but why did I think Nicole was most people? “Guess I’ll need to hold my breath for longer,” she replied with a smile, like it was a game. “I was brought here for a suicide attempt, sister. Do you think I’m gonna care about holding my breath so long I’ll damage myself?”

The nurse didn’t back down. “Then we’ll have to sedate you,” she replied swiftly, thinking she had the upper hand.

“Aren’t I due to transfer to psych ward at ten? If you sedate me now, that’ll really clog up the system. Hell, you told me the psychologist was already on her way, for me. I bet that would really inconvenience her. Especially since I’m kinda figuring out she’s not the patient type.”

“I’m not engaging with this,” the nurse replied dismissively, walking away. László was already back to his book, washing his hands of the situation. I probably should have been concerned too, but I looked at Nicole and saw her, smiling with her tongue between her teeth like some kind of brat, and I couldn’t help but feel ... happy. Nicole was happy with something. Yeah, she was being a brat, on top of ... this whole fucking situation, but there was this weird gem in the darkness. If Nicole was going to be helpless at the hands of her own despair, anything she did that she enjoyed was progress.

And she didn’t seem to be stopping anytime soon. “Hey, your mom’s Hungarian, right?” she asked me, now giddy. Her eyes had life in them again.

“Um, yeah...” I slowly replied.

“Say something in Hungarian to László,” she ordered playfully. “All I know are the greetings. Hey, László!” László slowly raised his head from his book. “Szia! Adam here is Hungarian too.”

My cheeks burned, especially as László slowly smiled in appreciation. “Beszélsz magyarul?” he asked happily.

“Nicole,” I grumbled, almost angrily, then turned to László. “Uh, sorry, my mom is from Hungary but I don’t really speak it.”

“Oh,” László replied sadly, but then his face lit up again. “Vhat county?”

I should never have pointed out how much trouble Nicole was. She clearly took it as a challenge. I glared at her. She winked back. “Dunno,” I replied lamely.

“I see...” László slowly replied, then a silence greeted us. Slowly, he went back to his book, while I gave Nicole the stink eye. She winked back again. I chuckled and shook my head, unable to stay mad at her for too long.

Eventually, after a silence, Nicole cleared her throat. “Hey.”

“Hey hey,” I replied.

“It’s, uh, end of visiting hours. You’re gonna need to leave,” she told me, softly. When I arrived, her voice was firm and lifeless, like she had none of her humanity left. Now, it seemed, it was back.

I wanted to protest, but that nurse seemed like a serious no-nonsense person. Plus, Nicole had multiple security guards or whoever they were on her ass, and I didn’t feel like testing their patience either. “Okay,” I conceded, standing up and putting my coat back on. “When you’re out of here, do you wanna be alone, or would you enjoy hanging out?”

Nicole slowly smiled. “I dunno,” she softly said in this quiet, almost shy voice. “I wanna say something though.”

I gestured around me. “Go right ahead.”

“I, uh...” Her eyes got misty, but in a much happier way this time. “I was wrong about you.”

I paused. “Yeah, no shit. You’ve been wrong about me so many times.”

She chuckled, the mist pooling around her eyes. “Yeah, I guess I need to qualify that. I was wrong to think you couldn’t possibly understand me when I get like this. So many people just think I’m this hateful bitch. And like, I am, a lot of the time. I can be kinda insensitive. It’s like my brand.”

“At least it’s a spunky brand,” I reasoned.

“Right? Anyways, off topic. Point is, I’m sorry for thinking you could never get me. I, um, really trust you.” She sat up and reached her forwards again. “Yeah. Let’s hang out when I’m out of here. You and me.”

“Okay,” I replied, smiling. This was wonderful. It felt like Nicole and I reached some sort of new level of understanding in our relationship. “More GTA, or did you want to go somewhere or something?”

“I think I have an idea,” Nicole said. “But I’m probably going to complain a lot about it. It’s going to be...”

“ ... fucking cold,” Nicole complained. “Thank fuck winter is on its way out.” She wasn’t even looking at me. Instead, we were both sitting on the cold wooden second floor of the abandoned church, staring out the window at the sunset. Nicole gazed at her phone screen. “Christ. It’s not even 5:40. Aren’t the days supposed to be getting longer?”

I loved winter, even if Nicole didn’t. I was content to look out the big warped glass window of the church’s second story, looking over our picturesque, snow-covered neighborhood, barely lit by the last glimmers of the day’s twilight. “You have to admit, it looks really pretty.”

Nicole grumpily grabbed her mug of hot cocoa, grumpily sipped from it, and grumpily refilled it from the thermos. “I don’t have to admit shit. That’s what freedom is. This is America, you traitor. You Loyalist. Go back to England.”

“Go back to history class, you fucking nerd,” I rebutted, taking my own sip. We looked at each other and shared a giggle before resting our heads together. We let a few moments pass, content to just enjoy the sights with each other.

“Okay, so, this was a really cute idea ‘n all, but let’s fucking bail,” Nicole eventually said. “I’m cold. Let’s do anything but this.”

“Are we going back to your place?” I suggested.

She paused. “Let’s do anything but this and also that,” she added, taking her head off of me and standing up. “Mommy and daddy are home, and they’re only getting madder at you now. They’re convinced that somehow the car crash was your fault.”

“ ... Wait, how?!” I asked incredulously. “Do they think I was driving it?”

“No, just this idea about how we were upset at each other that night and it made me unfocused and blah blah fucking blah. Stupid parents shit. Because they’re stupid fucking parents.” She packed up the thermos angrily.

I paused. “They’re not stupid, they’re just-”

“Awful. The worst. I can’t wait to fucking leave them,” Nicole replied, the heat in her voice getting less sarcastic with every word. “I can’t wait to fucking leave them and then never fucking talk to them again.”

“Nicole...” I replied uneasily. “Calm down.”

She looked at me, her eyebrows meeting in a V, just breathing. Eventually, her face relaxed. “Whatever,” she said in a gentler voice. “I’ve just been pissed at them lately.”

I shrugged in affirmation. “I can tell!”

She breathed heavier for a bit, clearly mulling something over. “I’m gonna say this one thing but then let’s switch topics, okay?”

I paused. “You don’t have to say anything if it’ll hurt. It’s alright.”

“No. I wanna.” She paused. “Do you know the first thing my parents did when they heard I was in the hospital?”

I didn’t like this. “What?”

She breathed a bit. Her eyes got misty. “Complain about the bill.”

She just stood there, breathing uneasily. I couldn’t believe what I’d heard. The bill? Was she telling the truth? Was she exaggerating, or were her parents ... that’s evil. That’s so unkind.

I wanted to say these things out loud, but all that came out of my life was, “Shit, Nicole...”

“Shit Nicole,” she repeated. “I’m lower than shit to them.”

“I’m so sorry.” I moved in for a hug, which she accepted, getting close to me and shivering, digging her face into my shoulder.

“I just ... want ... a mom and dad ... who love me,” she admitted gently, with way less anger or even sadness than I would have expected. “That’s it. That’s all. I want a mom and dad who miss me when I’m gone. I want to feel ... wanted.”

I broke off the hug, looking at her. She looked so broken, almost as broken as she did in the hospital. I didn’t want to offer her sympathies, I wanted to ... fix things. I knew she didn’t like how I always jumped to that, but Nicole out of everyone deserved that. She deserved it so much. And here she was, shivering, and feeling lonely and deserted, and ... it was unfair. It was unjust. It’s why I needed to do something.

So I did.

“I seriously feel like they’re going to judge me for everything,” Nicole repeated as I opened the door. “I mean, I haven’t spoken to them in ... how long?”

“Just act like nothing’s wrong and you’re the center of attention. You’re good at that,” I quipped back.

Nicole gave me the most ‘you motherfucker’ grin as I walked inside and removed my boots. “I’m home!” I called out. “I’ve got someone with me, if that’s okay.”

“Oh!” Mom called out unexpectedly. “Someone with you? Wh-”

“You would not believe ... the week I’m having,” Nicole almost comically bellowed out, ditching her boots and marching into the kitchen. “How’s it going, Timothy? Timbo? Tim timiny, tim timiny, tim tim ter-ee?”

“Oh my God, she’s back,” the flat sarcastic tone of my father greeted me from the kitchen. “It’s good to see you, Nicole.”

“It’s good to see you too, dad! Mom! Can I call you dad and mom again please?” Nicole asked, full of her usual pep.

“Oh!” Mom exclaimed in happiness. “Are you and Adam back together?”

“Nope.”

I couldn’t help but laugh at the awkward silence that filled the house afterwards. I removed my boots in time to see Nicole sitting in a chair, cross-legged, facing my mom, reading a newspaper. “You know, I never actually bother to read these things?”

“Nico-”

“Yeah, I know, it’s obviously a lie,” she cut in dryly, tossing it aside. “Anyway, it’s good to see you two again. I’m, uh, sorry I haven’t kept in contact.”

Mom smiled warmly, sitting across the table from her. “Well, it’s nice to see you two are still so close to each other.” She smiled at Nicole, then at me.

I smiled back at her as Nicole continued. “Adam and I are alright. Not a couple, but like...” She paused, almost uncharacteristically. “I’ve, uh, never met a guy like him. He’s gonna be one of my best friends for life.” She looked at me and flashed me a shy smile, then turned back to my parents. I didn’t know where this was going, but I put my hand on her shoulder. “I kinda went through a bad period and my parents, uh ... well, they don’t care. So, here goes, most pathetic request in the world coming in three, two, one ... you two are parents. Good parents, if looks ain’t deceiving. Can I, uh, have a hug?”

“Oh my goodness, of course!” Mom immediately gushed, standing up off of her chair. Nicole stood up, almost shyly, like she was expecting mom to back away and say it was a joke with no notice. Dad watched the two hug with a warm yet unmoved expression on his face, then looked at Nicole once their hug was over.

“I’m not normally a very huggy person,” he began, getting up from leaning on the counter.

Nicole nodded. “You don’t have to, I’m sorr-”

He shook his head. “I’m just warning you, I’m going to be kind of rusty,” he quipped, then moved in for a hug. Nicole beamed like a kid on Christmas, then accepted the hug. While hugging her, dad looked at me. “If someone asked for more hugs around here, maybe I’d be better at it.”

I shrugged. “Learn from your mistakes and ask for more,” I quipped back. Dad’s eyes danced.

“Ha, scorch,” Nicole replied mid-hug. The two broke off the hug and dad went back to leaning against the counter.

“So how has school been, Nicole? How’s Student Council?”

“Appeal to my busybody nature,” Nicole observed. “Good move. It’s been alright, just work work work.”

Dad nodded. “Adam talks all the time about how hard you work and how communicative you are,” he noted. “He really appreciates everything you do.”

Nicole whipped her head around to look at me. Looking at her face, it was like that was the most inconceivable thing in the world. “You ... do?” she managed, fully caught off guard. Nicole was rarely ever caught off guard like this. I tried to savor the moment.

“Of course I do,” I replied. “You’re a good friend, a hard worker, and the best Student Council President I’ve ever seen.”

“You’ve only ever seen one other President you doofus, and he was a tool,” Nicole mumbled feebly, now looking at the floor. “That’s really ... uh ... you’re really ... yeah, you know what, I think I need to go to the bathroom, BRB.” Without letting any of the three of us see her face, she rushed out of the kitchen.

Dad paused, eyes shifting from myself to mom. “I hope I didn’t offend her,” he remarked. “It was meant to be a compliment.”

“Oh, Timothy,” mom nearly scoffed. “She loved it. She just wasn’t expecting something like that, and it affected her, so she needs a moment., that’s all.” She shook her head at him. “Nicole seems to be ... would it be fair to say she’s ‘emotionally guarded,’ sweetie?” She looked at me.

I smiled, looking off to the bathroom. “She has her moments.”

I told Nicole through the bathroom door that I would be in my room when she was out, unless she wanted to hang out with my parents some more. She accepted it and I went up to my room to wait for her. As soon as I got to my room, I huffed, looking at all of the clothes on the floor. Knowing what Nicole would do to such a room, I began to pick up my clothes, putting the dirty stuff in the hamper and sorting the clean clothes on my bed into the labeled drawers.

After a few minutes of this, I heard a dry voice interrupt me. “That’s what we call personal growth,” Nicole quipped, looking at me putting my clothes away.

I chuckled, looking up at her. She was leaning against my door frame, arms folded. “Look at what you’ve turned me into, I’m a monster,” I replied.

“Cute monster,” Nicole replied. “Anyway, do me a solid. Stand over here.” She pointed right in front of her.

“Why?” I asked, putting the last of my jeans away.

“Just do it, dummy,” she replied with a completely gentle voice. Slowly, I walked over to where she was standing. She smiled, putting both of her hands on my shoulders, and before I knew it, I was against the wall, with Nicole passionately kissing me for all I was worth. Her entire body was against mine, and I felt physical force keeping me against the wall, but ... no aggression. She wasn’t a hungry animal or anything, she was just ... emotionally overwhelmed.

When she broke off the kiss, she was nearly panting, her eyes looking everywhere but in mine. “Okay, now do me another solid,” she murmured.

“Is it anything like the first one? Because I’m in,” I joked.

She chuckled but still didn’t look at me. “You know that word? That word I never use. The four-letter one.”