A romantic tale of a bright, over-weight girl from the wrong side of the tracks who endures bullying at school and has a bad home life. She finds a guy from another country who now lives in America. He wants to befriend and defend her. But will she accept?
Size: 497 KB (99,642 words)
Genre: Romantic
Sex Contents: Some Sex
Tags: Ma/Fa, Consensual, Tear Jerker, First, School
Review by Teloz [other reviews by Teloz]
Reviewed:
This is a really good, if not great, story, with a great plot, and good characters that engage the reader emotionally. It's well worth reading. Perhaps the author should read his work too, preferably before he posts it!
Sadly, that's the best I can say about it. If there's a mistake that Clansman hasn't made, I was unable to spot it, to be honest, I've seen first drafts better than this. The punctuation was awful, with quote marks missing right, left, and centre, and apostrophes conspicuous by their absence. 'Two', 'to', and 'two' seemed to be used indiscriminately, and there seemed to be some sort of congenital defect that meant 'of' should be used instead of 'off'.
The dialogue was often stilted, with no use of contracted words such as 'don't', 'can't', and 'wouldn't', particularly for the American characters; I suppose Gibby (the main protagonist) could well talk in such a fashion, he is after all, a bit of a prig. This was compounded by a multiplicity of unnecessary tag lines (he said/she said), plus starting sentences with conjunctions. You don't start a sentence with 'and' as a rule.
The point of view jumps about faster than a preteen gymnast on speed, and somewhere along the line Fiona morphs into Gladys. All in all, the technical aspects of the story are pretty dire, I can't even remember scoring a story so low in that respect, and not clicking away from it in the first chapter.
I'm sure that by now, you're asking yourself why I wrote this review, instead of just emailing the author and telling him it was rubbish, and for my answer I refer you to my first paragraph. It is a good story, and it is well worth reading. If you can just get past the technical wasteland.
