@richardshagrin
More stuff from my brother-in-law, not exactly puns, but somewhat similar.
PONDERISMS
Why do peanuts float in a regular coke and sink in a diet coke. Go ahead and try it.....
Diet Coke is lite, so it's less dense, because light doesn't have rest mass.
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
I only eat organic food, because I can't digest inorganic material.
How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
At least 0.8 Franz Ferdinands.
Why do you have to "put your two cents in"... but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going? (taxes)
It's just that my thoughts are worth more than yours.
Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?
No, they give you a bathrobe and a harp.
In Valhalla, on the other hand, yes. That's why I intend, if I die, to be buried in my armor.
What disease did cured ham actually have?
Trichinosis, probably.
How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
Putting wheels on luggage requires Plastics, and Plastics has Space Flight as a prereq.
Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?
They don't have kids.
If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
It's the judge that does the hearing, not the judged. So, yes, unless you have a deaf judge.
Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?
I'm not.
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
So they can see down women's shirts.
Why do doctors leave the room while you change??? They're going to see you naked anyway.
They prefer to watch you through the hidden cameras.
Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?
Because pants, from which "panties" derive, were originally actually two paired garments, one for each leg, in the same way socks are — they didn't connect at the groin. The gap was covered by the codpiece, which, despite the name, was not made of fish. Single-boob support garments were only common among mythical Amazons.
Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
For things like bagels, which take more toasting than ordinary bread.
Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?
Only in a zombie apocalypse.
If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
The coconuts aren't big enough.
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?
Paraffinum liquidum or petrolatum, generally.
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
No; morons are the fundamental particle that carries Internet comments. Morels come from spores.
Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
For the same reason there's like nine million songs that use the tune of "Greensleeves".
Why did you just try singing the two songs above?
I didn't; I tried humming "Greensleeves". "Tried" is the operative word here.
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
Dogs have very keen noses, and you have bad breath.
