A thread for the best insults. Here is one I liked:
"Her stature can only be called willowy if said willow has been cut down and turned into a barrel. Her temperament would suit Hades better than Persephone and if she ever had a moral fiber, it has long since dried out and been turned into a basket."
One of my favorites.
"I could assume from your statements that you are pretending to be unintelligent, but I won't."
"I could fill an encyclopedia with the things you don't know"
Not much put down there. I figure that I don't even know 0.1% of an Encyclopedia's total knowledge. Hmm, probably missing several decimal points.
"I could fill an encyclopedia with the things you don't know"
I feel that:
"You couldn't fill an encyclopedia with things you know that I don't."
might be closer to a putdown than the original version.
{"You couldn't fill an encyclopedia with things you know that I don't."
might be closer to a putdown than the original version.}
Actually I think you got that backwards. It translates to:
"You don't know a LOT more than I do."
It should be:
"You could fill an encyclopedia with what I know that you don't. "
I like "According to you"
And some are common word with just the right intonation "Really???"
Older sister (nine years years old) to younger sister (five years old):
"You foul, smelly little rodent."
Mom to dad:
"Well, older sister is studying Shakespeare."
~ JBB
Psychologist to patient: "Ah, Mr. Smith, I think we've finally found your issue. You're suffering from delusions of adequacy."
*After listening to someone say something idiotic*
"So when is your disability hearing? I'll testify as to your lack of working brain cells."
Edit: A couple of variations:
"Too bad you can't get Worker's Compensation for all those non-working brain cells."
"Wow... Your head is so empty I am honestly shocked it hasn't imploded yet from drawing such a hard vacuum."
"I have never met anyone so allergic to thinking before! Do you have to carry around an Epi-Pen for the extremely unlikely event of you actually having a thought enter your head?"
"So...tell me the truth... God ran out of brains to issue at the time of your birth, right?"
I have a T-shirt that says "I'll try being nicer if you try being smarter."
It doesn't seem to work.
Somewhere there must be a village missing its idiot. Quick, go home!
Were you always this stupid or did you take classes?
Then of course, the classic:
"Are you utterly deranged?" (A Fish Called Wanda)
Well, if we're going to go with the classics:
"Your mother was a hamster and your father smelled of elderberries!"
Somewhere there must be a village missing its idiot. Quick, go home!
One variation I liked is "He is depriving some poor village of its idiot".
One variation I liked is "He is depriving some poor village of its idiot".
When he left his home village, the village average IQ rose ten points.
AJ
he can increase crowd intelligence, simply by leaving.
Considering I put the IQ of a committee somewhere around (sum members IQs) / number of members squared, that would take some doing.
Generalizing this, because I've seen all sorts of targets:
'Did you hear about the X who moved from Y to Z? The average IQs of both Y and Z went up ten points!'
Thus flaming both X and Z in one concise phrase.
Were you always this stupid or did you take classes?
See also "The I-95 Song", https://youtu.be/Y8ErIhq3H10
"Were you born an asshole, or did you work at it your whole life?
Either way it worked out fine, because you're an asshole tonight!"
childhood put-down
When I was a child it was, "Your mother wears combat boots."
That's not a put-down anymore.
I know your IQ. It's your shoe size divided by two.
When you die, there's going to be a mad rush for your brain for a transplant because it's never been used.
AJ
Not quite an insult, but close:
He has a wonderful sense of humor, ... it's just never been used.
-- Shasta's Tale, colt45
Paraphrasing some nerd humor from Sea-Life's Geeks in Space:
"I'm sure you have some comedic talent, but, sadly, humor is hard to detect at the quantum level."
In the past I've heard the phrase, "May the bird of paradise fly up your nose" and have never quite understood the concept. I presume it is an insult, but...
May the bird of paradise fly up your nose
Not so much an insult as a curse (i.e. may you sneeze for what's left of your miserable life.)
It's from a song "May the bird of paradise fly up your nose". by Little Jimmy Dickens.
The refrain:
"May the bird of paradise fly up your nose
May an elephant caress you with his toes
May your wife be plagued with runners in her hose
May the bird of paradise fly up your nose"
Not a put-down but a funny back-and-forth:
Parent: Child, you better check your attitude!
Child: For complaints about attitude, please contact the manufacturer.
Parent's response A: I'll reset you back to factory settings!
Parent's response B: God is the one that created you and his instructions are not to spare the rod!
Parent's response C: Operational defects aren't covered by the manufacturer's warranty so you can choose to either self-correct or we can always employ the last-ditch mechanical corrective technique.
This is bringing to mind a similar thing: phrases that are between noncommittal or outright putdowns but sound good at first read. This isn't quite 'damning with faint praise' - the slippery language is the point.
'I cannot praise X highly enough.' (i.e. I would if I could, but I cannot)
'The contributions X has made to our team are incalculable.' (and, perhaps, infinitesimal - or imaginary)
'No one would be better than X.' (and, indeed, we're replacing X with 'no one', which will be better for us)
And so forth.
'I cannot praise X highly enough.' (i.e. I would if I could, but I cannot)
'The contributions X has made to our team are incalculable.' (and, perhaps, infinitesimal - or imaginary)
I would actually disagree. It could be a localisation/regional thing, or even a contextual one, where the meaning is decided by tone of voice or facial expression. Both of those examples I have found to be generally used in a positive light in the UK. Very rarely, with heavy sarcasm, I have heard "I cannot praise (them) highly enough" used amongst people where the individual in question is known to the other(s) in the conversation as being a complete 'tool'.
Any dialogue that requires extensive body language to be correctly understood, I would avoid using in a story, as the need for that to be conveyed to the reader would harm the story. And to be honest, the technical ability to carry it off well, is far beyond that of the average writer on this site.
It could be a localisation/regional thing, or even a contextual one, where the meaning is decided by tone of voice or facial expression. Both of those examples I have found to be generally used in a positive light in the UK.
Me too!
AJ
'I cannot praise X highly enough.' (i.e. I would if I could, but I cannot)
'The contributions X has made to our team are incalculable.' (and, perhaps, infinitesimal - or imaginary)
'No one would be better than X.' (and, indeed, we're replacing X with 'no one', which will be better for us)
Some of these insults through ambiguity are quite witty, even if you would not actually use them. Here is a page with a few more:
https://www.ling.upenn.edu/~beatrice/humor/ambiguous-recommendations.html
I have not seen it here, but I work in retail and have used (after the idiot left) "The perfect example of why brother and sister should not marry."
Two other customers almost choked.
Daze in the Valley have some zingers between friends.
limab