I was feeling angry. I knew that part of my anger was due to writing my life history. Reliving the bad things that had happened to me was opening old and serious scars. My emotions were running in chaotic spurts as I recalled the various wounds my psyche had taken.
I wanted, or needed, I wasn't sure which James to spank me and then fuck me 'til I was pregnant. That last I was sure was a want. But being spanked? That was confusing me. Until I'd relived the memory of the first time Mr. Jacob had seen my bare butt I hadn't realized where my tendency to blur pain and pleasure had come from.
Now I was sure that confusion had started that day when simply by tending my hurts Mr. Jacob had brought me to an orgasm. Actually I'm fairly sure it was the first orgasm I'd ever experienced. I'd stopped writing at that point because reliving the moment had been both the best and worst thing that I'd done. I realized now that Mr. Jacob may have intended to bring me pleasure. The difficulty I had at that point was that his manner of caring for me was the only caring I'd ever received outside of Ms. Tannenbaum, the teacher who had taken me under her wing at school. At that time I'd viewed Mr. Jacob's attentions as more sincere because I had learned a terrible thing about Ms. Tannenbaum. None of the other students at school knew it but she was a policewoman who was there to find out why the school had failed to identify an abused child.
I didn't know what else Ms. Tannenbaum might be doing. I just knew that the police were as much to be avoided as the pimps who worked their girls on the main drag near where I lived. After all while looking like a scruffy ragamuffin I'd seen at least one of them pass money to the beat cops who were supposed to patrol the area.
I sat and stared at the wall of my private room and hated the fact that I wasn't sure what my motivation would be if I decided to hunt James down and ask for sex. I wondered what would be driving me. Would it be care for the wonderful tender man who had rescued me from the path of the Sa'arm or would it be the memory of the first man to ever touch me in a way that wasn't intended to cause hurt. And why did I seem to need to be hurt deliberately in order to reach my peak anymore. I considered the large recycler that we used to destroy Corporal Winter's body. It was mostly silent now, though James had worked out a system of robots that were working to enlarge our living area. They carried chunks of the asteroid that made up our home to it to be digested and formed into structural members for an even larger station or to become the bodies of the drones we sent out with our messages and observations. I could throw myself into the maw of that machine and end my pain. It was certainly tempting.
Rather than give in to that thought I got up and headed for the gym or dojo. Actually I think it is really a bit of both. If no one was there I was going to hit and kick the heavy bag James had set up until my hands and feet were bleeding. If someone was there I really would have to watch myself. I wanted to hurt someone, strangely enough I also wanted to be hurt. There was a part of me that even wanted to die.
I felt dirty. It was even worse than waking up the day after Daddy had beaten me. I really didn't understand why I should feel that way but I did. I hit the door to the dojo and saw the place was empty. I screamed and ran at the heavy bag. I hit it like I was trying to tackle it. Then of course I hit the floor. Luckily it was padded.
I got up and started hitting the bag as hard as I could. I hit it the way James was teaching us to hit. Then I backed off and kicked it. I'm not sure how long my frenzy lasted, but when I felt James and Serena put their arms around me. I had beaten my hands and feet raw and bloody in a couple of places.
When I felt James' arms around me I realized that I was exhausted and that I hurt. I went from frenzy to a weeping ball of pain. I didn't know which hurt more. My inside or my outside. The thing was that nothing could be done for my inner pain. It wasn't something that a trip through the med-tube could heal. It was in my mind. And if I was truthful it was a gaping wound that threatened to consume my life.
"What's wrong, honey," Serena asked, mothering me as naturally as she mothered my children.
"I ... I ... I ... d ... du ... dunno," I stammered.
"Addie says you've been getting more and more depressed since you stopped writing yesterday," she said.
"Why is that damn machine tattling on me?" I asked, with a little venom. I didn't have much though, my body was demanding that I sleep soon.
"Because I know what you wrote and told it to watch you closely," James said. "Actually I intended to let you work out your depression so long as you didn't get self-destructive."
"We love you. We know some of what you're going through will require you to work through your pain alone. But," Serena shook her finger at me before giving me a soft kiss, "we don't want you to hurt yourself working through your pain."
"How'd you get so wise?" I asked my youngest sister concubine.
Serena blushed as she hugged me tighter. "I'm not wise. But I have fought my own demons. Oh I know, they're not as bad as yours. After all mine didn't last for years. But for a long time until I got picked up by James I had fairly well decided that Brandy was going to be my only lover. I'd even sworn that I'd make her figure out a way to have a turkey baster used to make me pregnant if she managed to become a sponsor before we got picked up. We'd promised each other that we wouldn't let anyone pick us up if they wouldn't let her see their scores. She was on the potential sponsor track at school. They were teaching her how to read and interpret CAP subscores. So she would have a good idea of how to tell if someone had latent tendencies toward violence in relationships," Serena took a breath before continuing. "She approved of James' scores. I wanted to be with her. I'm glad I came. I've learned to love the feeling of a long hard cock in my pussy. I was wrong to judge every man by the measure of the monster who violated me."
I just cried silently. It didn't seem to matter how much James or his concubines loved me. I felt dirty and unlovable.
"Do you remember when you gave us all lessons on giving head?" Serena asked.
"What does that have to do with anything?"
"You showed me that having a penis in my mouth could be enjoyable. A spanking might help you get going for regular sex. But if you have a chance to suck a dick you go of harder and higher than if you've been spanked. I heard you mutter that I can cum from sucking a dick. Well guess who I learned that from?" Serena paused for effect, "You!"
"We all love you Frances," James said as he rocked me and rubbed my back.
I moved with James. The gentle rocking did little to soothe me. I felt like the pain was a big as the Cold Black that surrounded Heinlein Station. I wondered if I could convince Addie to cycle me through the airlock into the drone hanger. Surely if I could do that I would put an end to the horrid pain that seemed to want to swallow me like a black hole.
"Frances, do you think that no one would miss you if you died?" James asked sternly.
"Are you so selfish that you'll put ending your pain above preventing our pain at your loss?" Serena frowned, then she slapped my breast hard!
I pushed away from James in shock. I looked at him and wondered if he was going to do anything to Serena. He frowned at me and said, "What? You sit here rejecting our attention. Refusing to believe that we care for you. Refusing to believe that your death would nearly crush all of your family. Refusing to think of what will happen to Mandy, Missy, and Kevin when their mother abandons them? Are you really that selfish?"
"I feel like I'm a leaking sewer line. But since I'm a person, that's not right. I'm leaking psychic poison on everyone due to the fact that I can't seem to let go of past hurts."
"Bullshit!" James exclaimed, "The only person on Heinlein Station who expects you to be well in an instant is you. I'm not sure how to deal with PTSD but that is obviously what you're suffering from."
"I don't know if I can survive writing anymore of my story," I said, between wracking sobs.
"You can take a break from writing your story," James said, "But only because it seems to be stirring symptoms of surviving traumatic stress. I intend to see if there is any possible way to get a psychologist here. I'm sure you won't be the only person who has problems that need that sort of care."
"I doubt that there is any way to get anyone here," I said.
"Well even if there isn't, never doubt that we love you," Serena said.
"The AI here offered to ship Corporal Winter back to Earth in a drone that had a biostasis field to keep him alive," James said. "I don't know the limitations of such a transfer but I will be asking."
"That would be an unacceptable means of transportation for someone who was not a condemned criminal," the AI put in.
"Two things follow then," James said, "How large is the smallest ship that could transport a person here, and would the Sa'arm detect it coming and going?"
"The Sa'arm don't seem to pay attention to Stagecoach class ships," the AI said, "But one of them would be barely adequate to transport a person and his goods if they were very limited."
"Put out the request then. Until then we will concentrate on loving Frances," James said. He was rubbing my back. I leaned into the caress. If I could have purred I think I would have. Having James talk to me and touch me was about the best thing that could happen to me.
.... There is more of this story ...