The coffee shop. Jerry is sitting alone in a booth reading the menu, which he knows by heart.
Elaine Benes walked into the coffee shop at the usual time and sat down across from Jerry Seinfeld in their usual booth.
The big, pink-uniformed waitress came over, poured them both coffee, and asked "What'll it be?"
The waitress nodded and shuffled away.
"So how's it going?" asked Jerry. "You look kinda tired. Hot date last night?"
Elaine shook her head and made a face, her thick, dark hair swishing back and forth. "No date. I just went out with a girlfriend - Alyssa, from Pendant publishing. She works for an internet company now. Remember her?"
"Let's see: about five-five, a hundred and ten pounds, long blond hair, cute little button nose, great body, worked in accounting?"
"Yeah, that's right," she snorted. "You know, how well a guy remembers a woman is directly proportional to how attractive she is, isn't it?"
Jerry nodded and raised his eyebrows. "Now that you mention it, that's exactly right. Very perceptive of you."
"Thanks." She stirred her coffee for a few seconds, and said rhetorically "So you think Alyssa is attractive."
"Yes, she's quite comely, as a matter of fact. I wanted to ask her out, but you wouldn't let me, remember?"
"Right, it was too soon after we broke up."
"It was two years after we broke up!"
"Was it? Sorry."
"Yeah well, she wasn't really my type anyway. She's kind of a giggler, as I recall. A little giggling is OK, but I really prefer a regular laugh to a giggle."
Elaine shook her head wonderingly and said "And you wonder why you're still single."
"I'm a comedian, Elaine - the laugh is important. So why do you bring it up? Did she ask about me?"
"Nope." Elaine looked around to make sure no one was eavesdropping, and then leaned closer across the table. "I'm going to tell you something, but you've got to put it in the vault, all right?"
Jerry made a zipping motion across his lips. "In the vault, you got it."
"OK. Alyssa and I went out to dinner, and then we went out to a bar and had some drinks. We talked about all the problems we had with men, what losers they all are, that sort of thing. We both got a little tipsy."
"This is just fascinating, Elaine."
"OK, ok. Alyssa started telling me how she had a crush on this girl back in college, and now she was wondering if maybe she was a closet lesbian and that's why she can't find a man she's happy with. She's kind of a touchy-feely type, and while she was telling me this she put her hand on my knee." Her voice fell to a near-whisper. "And it tingled."
"What tingled? Your knee?"
Elaine looked annoyed. "It. Tingled," she said a little louder.
Jerry's eyes suddenly got wide. "Ohhhhh! It tingled!"
"Are you sure?"
"Yes, I'm sure. It definitely tingled."
"Doesn't it sometimes just tingle, sort of randomly?"
"No, not like this. This was a more purposeful tingle."
Jerry nodded thoughtfully. "Uh, just so we're clear, we're talking about your pussy, right?"
"Yes, Jerry, we're talking about my pussy."
Neither of them had seen Kramer walk into the coffee shop.
"Hey! What are you two talking about? You look like you're planning a crime or something, all hunched over the table like that."
Elaine jerked upright, spilling her coffee. She put her hand on her chest and said "God, Kramer, you scared the hell out of me. Do you have to yell?"
Kramer slid in next to Jerry. "So what are you talking about?"
Jerry said "Well, as a matter of fact, we were on the extremely interesting subject of -"
Elaine gave him a look that could have cut through steel.
"- dandruff," he finished smoothly. "I mean, when you use one of those medicated shampoos do you really have to feel that little tingle to know it's working? Can't it just work without that special little tingle?"
Elaine gave him a dirty look, but then had to laugh.
"No, no, no," said Kramer. "You don't want to use that stuff. Orange juice mixed with heavy cream - that's the best thing for dandruff."
"Oh, right, that sounds like something I want to put in my hair," said Jerry.
The subject having been successfully changed, they chatted for a little while and then Kramer looked at his watch.
"I gotta run. Time to pick up my new computer." He rubbed his hands together gleefully. "I'm very excited."
"I didn't know you were into computers," said Elaine.
"Well, I wasn't - I thought they were just big paperweights. But I was over at Newman's apartment the other day and he really opened my eyes to the possibilities. Did you know you can see pictures of people having sex right on your screen?"
"Yes Kramer," said Elaine with distaste. "Everyone knows that."
"Well, nobody told me. I'll see you two later." He finished his coffee in one long gulp and headed out.
"Nice of him to drop by for a chat," said Elaine sarcastically.
"The good news is, he won't come out of his apartment for weeks now. Now, where were we ... oh yes! You were telling me about your lesbian experience with Alyssa."
"Very funny. Nothing happened, of course. But now I can't stop thinking about it."
"Look, what's the big deal? You know you like men - you've always liked men. You know what team you're on ... why are you so worried?"
"Well, what if I like women too but I just never realized it? I mean, to use your silly metaphor, I've never played for the other team, so how do I know I wouldn't like it?"
"Hmmm - this is interesting. You think you might want to play for both teams at the same time?"
"I'm not doing very well on my current team, Jerry. Maybe if I spent some time in the other league, it would help my game."
He spread his hands apart and said "Well maybe it would. Tell me, are you attracted to Alyssa? Other than the tingle, I mean?"
Elaine scrunched up her face and looked at him for a few seconds. "Yeah, I guess I am. I can't believe I'm telling you this. I really shouldn't be telling you this."
"It always helps to talk about these things, Elaine. In my opinion, I think it would be healthy for you to explore these new urges. And when you do, I'll be here for you, to help you sort out your feelings."
She gave him a disgusted look. "You just want me to have sex with a woman and then tell you all the details."
"You've got me all wrong! I'm just here for you, as a friend!" The wide smile on his face didn't help his case.
"Well, there's one major problem with this scenario."
"You don't know if Alyssa is attracted to you?"
Elaine looked at him like he was crazy. "Why wouldn't she be? Of course she's attracted to me."
Jerry put his hands up defensively and said "Of course she would be. I'm sure she is. I don't know what I was thinking."
"The problem is that I set her up on a date with George."
Jerry almost choked on his coffee. "You what! Why?"
"I don't know ... she was telling me how she was tired of dating the same kind of guy all the time, how she wanted to try something different. I didn't realize until later that she was talking about women! So for some reason I mentioned George."
"Well, he's certainly different, all right. Is Alyssa really that desperate, that she would agree to go out with George?"
"Well, it's not I like I told her George was a loser ... I think I told her he was 'refreshingly unassuming', and she thought that sounded terrific."
"'Refreshingly unassuming' - nicely put. I guess you probably forgot to mention he was unemployed and living with his parents."
"I must have been really hammered," moaned Elaine, shaking her head. "I can't believe this - I'm actually competing with George Costanza for a woman. Just shoot me, will you?"
Jerry patted her hand and said "Don't be so hard on yourself, Lanie. This could actually work out to your benefit. If she isn't a lesbian now, a few dates with George will do the trick. I bet Alyssa dumps George after one date and then you can move right in."
A quiet Chinese restaurant. George is sitting across a food-strewn table from an attractive blond woman.
George Costanza narrowed his eyes and looked suspiciously at the attractive blonde seated across from him.
"Yes, George - I think it's really nice that you live with your parents. I mean, it must be wonderful for them to have you around all the time."
"Oh, absolutely." He nodded solemnly, and his voice took on a self-important tone. "They need me, Alyssa. My mother is always saying: 'Georgie' - she calls me Georgie - 'Georgie, it's so good of you to live with us. I don't know what we would ever do if you moved out.'"
Alyssa nodded, a little glint of desperation in her eyes. "That's really touching, George."
'Touching, my ass - it's pathetic, ' she thought to herself. As George launched into a discussion of his parents' finer qualities, she forced herself to smile and nod. What did Elaine see in this guy, anyway? Elaine was so funny, so smart, so ... sexy. And George -
" ... they keep offering to move down to Florida, to 'get out of my way', but I won't hear of it - as if your own beloved parents could ever be a bother! I tell them that it's an honor to share the same roof with them, that..."
George was a loser. But if this was what it took to get closer to Elaine, then this was what she would do.
.... There is more of this story ...