Ladies and Gentlemen, start your engines. As usual my thanks to Mikothebaby who edited and likes this story. As I mentioned on my twitter page, there is no song this week, it's just a regular story that was a lot of fun to write. SS06
My name is Dennis Williams and I'm in a state of panic. I'm running as fast as I can through the hospital to my wife's room. As I stagger into the room, I notice that her sister is there with her. "Steff," I scream in panic. "They've made some kind of mistake with the baby."
"What did they do, Honey?" she asks. Even in pain, my wife is the most beautiful woman I've ever seen. The smile that crosses her lips is partly because she loves me so much and the other part is pure mischief. Her sister is also smiling.
"I'm sure it's just a mix-up," I began, at which point both she and her sister smile even more. Some kind of look passes between them. "But they're obviously confused."
"What are they confused about?" she asks.
"They're trying to give us two of them," I said. "They're claiming that we have twins."
"Oh no," she says. Her face is a mask of horror. Her sister can't hold her face straight and she starts laughing at me.
"Well, super dad," says Steff. "If you hadn't fainted during the delivery, you'd already know that we have twins. The doctors already knew, but since we'd opted not to know the sex or any details about the baby, only you and I didn't know about it."
She gestured for me to come closer to her. "Give me a kiss," she demands. "That delivery took a long time, Dennis. It seems like days since you kissed me."
I kiss her and time just stops like it always does. Nothing else in the world matters when we're together.
"But we're not ready for twins," I tell her. "We had everything ready, whether we had a girl or a boy. Our plans were perfect. But now we're out there in limbo again. We have to figure it all out all over again. What are we going to do?"
She grabbed me by both sides of my face and pulled me to her again. This was a longer kiss. She forced my lips apart and sucked my tongue. Even her sister got turned on from watching us. When she let me go, I was out of breath and I was far less panicky.
"Honey," she said. "When I met you again, a year ago, I had none of this in mind. I only knew that I wanted you badly and that we belonged together. I've been just making it up as we went along. I know that you're an engineer. You like to have plans and blueprints and all of that shit, but I just take each day as it comes. As long as we're together, everything is going to work out. I watched you plan out everything including the nursery, and it seemed like a great plan. But Honey, sometimes shit just doesn't go the way you planned it..."
I love Steff more than I've ever loved anyone in my life. The only person or people who can come close to that are those two tiny little girls in the baby room down the hall. But as she spoke to me, I kind of blanked out over one of the phrases she used. She'd said, "Sometimes shit doesn't go the way you planned it." It was almost eerily ironic that a little under a year ago another woman told me the exact same thing. I remember it as if it was only yesterday.
It was an early Saturday in July, It was ten in the morning and the sun was already high in the sky. The weather man had predicted another sunny day with temperatures in the nineties.
Like most Saturdays, I'd gotten up early to trim the hedges, clean the pool and cut the grass. My wife, Belinda, was cleaning the inside of the house and making it beautiful. Just as I turned the mower off, I heard Belinda scream.
"Get the fuck out of my house!" she screamed. Then I heard the sound of laughter coming from several female voices. I went into the house through the back door and saw my tiny blonde ball of lightning cursing at my friends. I describe her as a ball because, well she's kind of rounded.
Belinda used to be a cheerleader back when we were in college. Now ten years later, she's still as cute as a button and still has the boobs, but the rest of the package has aged a bit. Back in college, she was one of the most popular girls around. We didn't so much fall in love as much as we got pushed together. She was the prettiest cheerleader and I was the quarterback. For us to have dated anyone else would have been some kind of blasphemy.
Belinda was brash and loud, I was shy and contemplative. I guess our personalities, though different, worked for us. Belinda could out scream and out cheer anyone she ran into. She was very sure of herself and very confident that she'd always get what she wanted.
I, on the other hand, didn't talk much and for a quarterback, I had a surprising lack of swagger. I wasn't the gunslinger type. Our coach knew that I was more the thinking type. I was the one who was always going to go for the safer play. After losing three straight games in my freshman season with a quarterback who was more of a gunslinger, he benched him in favor of me and I never gave him any reason to look back. He always knew what to expect from me and I always gave him my best. I wasn't flashy, but I got the job done and we won a lot of games. My teammates respected me and we supported each other. There were a few guys that I just couldn't get along with, but they were very few over my four years.
After college, Belinda and I continued to date. I got a job designing parts for an aftermarket performance parts company. Belinda got a job in marketing. She asked me to marry her, exactly one year after we graduated. At the time, it was a big shock to me. I mean I liked her a lot and I liked having sex with her, but I'd never felt any serious sparks between us.
But all of my friends looked at me like I was stupid. "Dude, Cheerleader, big tits, blond, hot ... why the hell are you still thinking about it?"
A year into the marriage, I was still wondering when the magical thing they talk about in all of the romantic movies was going to hit me. What hit me instead was Belinda sitting down with me in our home office with a stack of bills.
"Dennis," she said. "These are all of our bills. This is the total." She pointed to a number in a cell on the spreadsheet she showed me on our computer.
"This is what you make," she pointed to another cell and another number. I nodded my head as if I understood what she was showing me. The she looked into my eyes. She had on a low cut top so all I could actually see were her boobs.
"Dennis, Honey, I hate my fucking job, so I have a question for you," she said, leaning even further over. "Why the hell am I working?"
She told me all kinds of things then, like how her boss was always staring at her boobs and how all of the women in her office were jealous of her and no one there respected her. So I told her it was okay if she wanted to quit. By the time she got done with me that night, I was sure that my dick would never work again.
Of course, I found out a few weeks later that my loving wife had lied to me. It wasn't just her boss who stared at her boobs. Most of the men there did, because her blouses were all cut so low. Some of the men there were just waiting for her boobs to fall out. The women didn't respect her because her blouses were cut so low, but also because she didn't do any fucking work. And lastly, I found out that the day before Belinda had asked me if she could quit working, she'd already called her boss, "A low rent son of a bitch," and quit her job, because he'd asked her to stop wearing her blouses that way.
Anyway, on that particular Saturday, two of my friends were in the house sitting down when Belinda had come in with a couple of her friends. It wasn't unusual for us to have lots of people in the house because we still hung out with a lot of the same people we'd know from college.
Belinda had seen Danny Tillman and Ray Foster sitting at our kitchen table drinking a beer and had gone ballistic. She looked up at me as I ran inside.
"Dennis, I just cleaned up the house," she screamed. "I don't need your dirty, smelly, fucking friends messing up the house before my guests get here."
"Well Honey, don't worry about it," I said. "We're just planning to hang out around the pool. We might work on my car a bit. I want to swap out the stock plugs for some of those Iridium plugs I got from American Muscle and then re-tune the engine and..."
"Oh no," she snapped. ""Sometimes shit doesn't go the way you planned it. None of that is going to happen today. I'm having a few friends over that I haven't seen since we left college. We have to go over our final plans for the ten year reunion later this summer and I don't need a bunch of smelly, beer swilling Neanderthals under foot. I don't care where you go or what you do, but do it somewhere other than here."
"Let's go to Hooters," said Ray. "They have..."
"No," said Belinda. "No strip clubs."
"But Hooters isn't a strip..." began Ray. He stopped talking as she glared at him.
"Let's go bowling," said Danny. "We all suck at golf and..."
"Golf sounds good," said Belinda. "You guys go play golf. Ride around in one of those little carts and hit stuff."
So I took a shower and changed into appropriate golf wear and we were off.
An hour later, the three of us were at the golf club. We were doing great as usual. We made up our own rules. We just rode all over the course hitting balls. Most of the time our balls never went anywhere near the holes, but we didn't care. If you lost sight of your ball, or just didn't feel like getting it, you just got another one out and started from wherever you felt like. I'd already gone through eight balls that day and we were only on the third hole. We called our game, "I don't give a fuck about," golf.
We came up behind a foursome of players, two of whom were women. We only saw them from the back at first. It looked like some kind of double date. One of the men was teeing off and Danny immediately starting laughing at his clothes, how tight his pants were and the exaggerated motions he took when he swung at his ball.
As the man hit his ball and it rocketed away from the tee, Danny spoke loudly. "Wow, did you see that," he said. "I told you he hits just like Arnold."
The man turned around and smiled at us as we lounged on our golf cart waiting for them to get out of our way.
He was smiling and talking to his friends.
"You fucked up now," said Ray. "That guy probably wants to date you."
"Why?" asked Danny.
"Well you said his swing was like Arnold Palmer," said Ray.
"No, I didn't," said Danny. "His swing is all fucked up. I was talking about Arnold Ziffeld, the pig from Green acres." We all started laughing and then stopped when the foursome looked at us. I felt a chill go through me as they looked back at us.
One of the women got up to swing next. As she addressed the ball, she bent forward and all of the blood in my system dropped to my dick. Her pants were so tight that they showed every curve of her ass and it was magnificent. I almost lost it when she turned and looked over her shoulder at me. She flicked her head and a long curtain of red curls parted and revealed the brightest greenest eyes I've ever seen.
"Wow!" said both Danny and Ray simultaneously.
The killer was when she winked and mouthed, "Hi Dennis." They stared at me and slapped me on the back.
The other guy from the foursome, immediately gave me the evil eye. He got up and came over to us.
"Do you guys want to play through," he asked. "We don't want to hold you up."
"Nah," said Ray. "We're fine. We'll just sit here and enjoy the view. As a matter of fact, we might have to adjust our speed so we can stay behind you."
"Well, I don't appreciate a bunch of guys spending the whole afternoon staring at my wife," said the guy. Just as he said it the redhead came over to us.
"Is your wife here Clark?" she asked. "I didn't even know you were married." She walked right past him and right over to me. "Hi Dennis," she beamed.
Several different reactions all occurred at the same time. Danny and Ray were sitting back on the golf cart watching the proceedings as if it was some episode of a reality TV show. Clark was getting angrier by the second and I felt like a deer caught in the headlights of an oncoming train.
She kept coming and I couldn't move. She stepped up to me and put her arms around me and kissed me. I was lost in her touch and her smell. The little voice in the back of my head that called for reason and reminded me that I was married was drowned out totally.
The fact that I was in a full on lip-lock on a public golf course also didn't seem to register. As I came up for air, she smiled at me and nothings else mattered.
"You don't have clue about who I am, do you?" she asked. I shook my head.
"Stephanie Calhoun," said Danny behind me. "Remember our last year of college, she was a freshman. You started tutoring her in math. Everyone thought it was cute. She had a big crush on you until Belinda made you break it off. Belinda didn't think it was cute."
I remembered then. She'd still had the flaming red hair then, only it had been shorter. And she'd had thick giant glasses and braces. She'd also filled out in the ensuing years. But I remembered her. I'd been attracted to her even then. I think Belinda had sensed that. It hadn't been Stephanie's looks that had attracted me, it had been her gentle, kind personality and the fact that I just felt like she liked me as much as I'd begun to like her.
"I remember her," said Stephanie. "Belinda was your evil assed bitch of a girlfriend back then wasn't she?" I nodded woodenly.
"She wasn't very nice. Whatever happened to her?" she asked.
"Oh, she's changed a lot," laughed Ray.
"Yeah," said Danny. "It's a total transformation. They got married and now she's his evil assed bitch of a wife."
"Oh," said Stephanie. She put her arms back around my neck and started kissing me again.
"Stephanie, what the hell are you doing?" screamed Clark. "We're..."
Stephanie turned towards him and glared at him. "We're what?" she asked coldly. "We're work colleagues, Clark. That's all we are. I'm here to do business with your company. I invited you to come out and play golf with Ted, Julie and me. You accepted. I came out to play golf, nothing more. You and I, are not an item and although you've tried to treat it like one, this was never a date between us."
"But didn't you hear what they said? The guy is married," he whined.
"S-F-W," she said, shrugging her tiny shoulders.
"Wh ... what does that mean?" asked Clark angrily.
"So Fucking What," snapped Stephanie. "I lost him once and I've regretted it for the past ten years. It ain't happening again."
"Julie, talk some sense into her," whined Clark.
"Clark, I've known her for three years. When she makes her mind up about something, she's not going to change it. This is the guy who ruined her marriage, you idiot. You're just upset because you think that he's going to get what you wanted; maybe right here on the golf course from the look of things."
I was floored. Stephanie was holding my hand. "I think you five should go ahead and play golf," said Stephanie. "Dennis and I should go to the clubhouse and eat and talk and stuff."
Danny, the voice of reason spoke up. "Oh hell no," he said. "I am not leaving him alone with you."
"Me neither," said Ray.
"Okay, fine, you two can come with us," said Stephanie. "Julie, I'll see you Monday at your job. I'll deal with you from now on. Clark is obviously too pissed to handle my business."
"But," began Julie. "How... ?"
"Don't worry, Dennis will make sure I get back to my hotel," she said. "I'll call you tonight, if he has to go home early and we can catch a show or something."
We walked over to the golf cart and the four of us drove off towards the clubhouse. Danny and Ray looked like someone had stuck cattle prods up their asses, but I felt really good.
We sat at a table and ordered lunch. Once we started talking it was as if Danny and Ray weren't there anymore.
"Steff, what did your friend mean when she said that I ruined your marriage?" I asked. "I haven't seen you since..."
"I know it was over ten years ago," she said. "Anyway, you guys were a bit ahead of me in school. Your senior year was my freshman year. After the mean, evil, bitch that you married made you stop tutoring me and stop seeing me altogether; I finished school and moved to Florida. I never stopped thinking about you though. I dated a few guys and I always compared them to you. I made a mistake though. I married one of them. He was a good guy, he was a lot like you and that was the problem."
"Why was being like me a problem?" I asked.
"Dennis, remember when you tutored me and you were obsessed with Mustangs? Remember how I didn't really know the differences between cars and I cut out a bunch of pictures of cars to decorate your locker for you?" she asked.
I laughed and nodded my head.
"Are you still Mustang nutty?" she asked. I nodded again and smiled at her.
"Well, imagine that you were broke and you needed a car. Someone just gave you a Camaro or a Challenger. You'd drive it and you'd be glad to have it, but deep down inside you wouldn't be happy. And that's what happened. Phil was a really nice guy. He tried his God damndest to make me happy. But in the end, it just didn't work out. I think I was happier than he was when he told me that he'd met someone. Our divorce was uncontested and we're still the best of friends today. I've met his new wife and I even babysit for them sometimes."
"Sorry," I said, sadly.
"Why are you sorry?" she smiled. "I'm the happiest woman on the planet right now. I never thought I'd see you again. And now I've not only seen you, but I got to hold your hand and to even kiss you and..."
"Hold it there Steff," said Ray. "Dennis is married and..."
"My name is Stephanie," she hissed. "And that's what you should FUCKING call me, nothing else."
She turned back at me with the sweetest look on her face. "Besides, I don't care about unimportant things like that. I owe her one anyway. If she hadn't pushed us apart, who knows how things might have ended."
After we ate and had talked and held hands for a while, Danny and Ray decided to head home. I volunteered to take Steff back to her hotel. She kept trying to convince me that we should go out and do something. My phone rang to end that part of the conversation.
After a couple of yeps and some head nodding I hung up.
"Let me guess," said Steff. "That was Bitchie-poo, right?"
"Yes ma'am," I said. "I'll see you two later," I said to Ray and Danny.
"Uhm, we could take her back to her hotel," volunteered Ray. "We're allowed to stay out past 4 pm. We're grown-ups."
"Fuck you, Ray," I laughed.
"Don't do anything, I wouldn't do," said Danny.
"You probably meant don't do anything YOU couldn't do," spat Steff.
"Oh Baby, trust me, I can," said Danny.
"Not with me," she said. "I'm a one man woman." She grabbed my hand and we headed right to the parking lot.
"Are you going to be in a lot of trouble?" she asked.
"Who cares?" I said. "It's worth it." She smiled again and squeezed my hand.
"So do you think Eric will show up at the reunion," asked Penny Chapel.
"Wait Pen," I told her. I walked across the room and leaned over and spoke to my mom who was talking to a few of my other friends.
"Mom, as soon as Dennis gets back here he'll take you home," I said.
"Why the hell isn't he here now?" she asked. "I don't have all day to wait for him to bring himself home."
"Uhm Mom, he isn't here because I told him to go out and do something," I said. "I didn't want him hanging around getting in the way. And I didn't want his friends trying to eat all of the refreshments and interrupt the planning."
"He'd better get here soon," she said. "You need to take a firmer hand with him." I noticed a couple of my friends looking at my mom as if she was crazy.
My best friend, Della, choked on her drink and coughed loudly. She got up and followed me as I went back to Penny.
"Belinda, your mom is crazy," she said.
"I second that emotion," chirped in Penny. "So, are you going to answer me?"
"Shit, I hope not," I said. "Screwing Eric was the biggest mistake I ever made. I came pretty close to losing Dennis over it. He had the divorce papers ready. If the two of you hadn't lied and convinced him that I'd been drunk out of my mind when it happened, I'd have lost him for sure."
"That might not have been the end of the world," said Della. "That might've actually been good."
"How the hell would it have been good?" I asked.
"Well, if he'd divorced you," said Della. "You could have gotten Eric permanently and after a suitable waiting period of say a month or so..."
I suddenly noticed the relish in my best friend's eyes. I felt uncomfortable.
"After a suitable waiting period, your ass would be too late," said Penny. "I'd already have him."
I felt even more uncomfortable then. "Sex with Eric was awful," I said. "And it wasn't just the guilt I felt about cheating on Dennis. Eric ... Okay let's be adults about this. He can't fuck. He's also terrible at eating pussy. He acts like it's supposed to be a privilege to suck his dick. And I got so fucking tired of him bragging about himself that I didn't know what to do. It was the biggest fucking mistake of my life and if Dennis ever finds out that I was with Eric more than once my marriage would be over."
"Why the hell did you do it?" asked Della. "Dennis is in better shape than Eric and he's better looking. He's got a great job and he really cares about you. Your BMW had to cost at least twice what his Mustang did and Belinda, that man loves you. He puts up with all of the shit you give him. I heard him out there this morning cutting the grass and trimming the hedges and then you sent him off somewhere, that was pretty fucking cold. You treat him more like your fucking butler than your husband."
"Why are you telling me this, Dell?" I asked. "I've already told you I made a mistake. Maybe I'm not the nicest woman on the planet but I do appreciate what I have. And in my own way I do love Dennis. There won't be any more Erics."
I started thinking then as I walked around to some of the other tables to check on other guests. Before that moment, I really hadn't given the matter any thought since it had been resolved. The scary thing was finding out that except for me, no one else considered the matter over. Scarier still was the fact that my two best friends seemed eager to rush in and claim my husband if things went badly. Della I could understand. She was divorced and her first husband had been a monster.
The man was a pure asshole. He'd hit her several times and couldn't keep a job to save his ass. If he wasn't taking her money to buy more liquor, he was cheating on her with some fucking twenty year old bar maid with a hundred fucking tacky tattoos.
But Penny, she was still married. How could a woman who was already married be interested in Dennis? It made no sense, unless she was planning on divorcing her husband too? I knew Penny and she was the kind of woman who was always looking to upgrade whatever she had. Both of them had to know that if they went after Dennis even after I divorced him, that it would mean the end of our friendships.
Apparently, they didn't care about that. I thought about it and tried to put myself in their shoes. I imagined myself married to Eric, the guy I'd cheated on Dennis with. If Penny had been married to Dennis and divorced him, I'd probably have gone after him too. I think it would be more definite than probable; especially, if I was tired of Eric. So it made sense; except for the fact that my marriage to Dennis wasn't in trouble. I might not have treated him as well as I could have, but I love him and he loves me.
Maybe I don't always show it, but that's because I've always been kind of spoiled. I started life out as daddy's little princess. Then I was a cheerleader from middle school all the way through college. That meant that I always got whatever I wanted. After college, there was Dennis. He picked up where my daddy had left off. My stupid fling with Eric really had been the biggest mistake of my life. The only thing that had saved me was the fact that Dennis loved me so fucking much. Della and Penny had lied their asses off to save me. And once they put the belief in Dennis' mind that it had been nothing more than a drunken mistake, Dennis didn't divorce me. He'd still wanted to beat the fuck out of Eric and I begged him not to. I didn't do it to save Eric. I don't give a rat's left nut about Eric. I did it because if Eric and Dennis ever got together and Dennis found out that I'd been with Eric more than once, he'd realize that he'd been lied to and divorce my ass all over again.
But the feeling that I was getting from my two best friends seemed to be that one of them, or possibly even both of them, might actually confess in order to get my husband. I'd kill either one of or both of those bitches if I had to.
I checked my watch again. There was no way that it took forty five minutes to drive home from the fucking golf course. Dennis was probably pissed that I'd interrupted his game to come and drive my mother home. Dennis and my mom didn't get along. He tried really hard to please her, but my mom kind of thought she was the queen of some undisclosed country that only she lived in. She tended to treat everyone as if they were a servant.
Finally, Dennis came in. He smiled at and politely spoke to most of the ladies as he crossed the room. I'm a pretty sensitive person and I noticed that there was something different about my husband. I couldn't put my finger on it, but something was off.
Even as he came over to me, his walk was off. As he looked into my eyes, I realized for the first time since I'd cheated on him that I really could lose him. And it didn't have to be because I cheated on him again. It had taken Dennis over three hours that morning to clean the pool, trim the hedges, cut the grass and generally clean up the yard and the garden and the pool area. After he'd done it, I dismissed him like he was a fucking servant, when he was the one who'd bought the house and paid all of the bills.
The look in his eyes was telling me that not only was he pissed at me, but that I was vulnerable. Maybe that's what Penny and Dell had sensed as well. Shit, maybe I couldn't fit into my old cheerleader's outfit anymore, but who could?
Dennis could, that was who. He could still fit into his football uniform. He'd worn it as his Halloween costume last year. I realized then that I needed to step up my game.
"Honey, can you drive my mom home?" I said. He didn't say a word. He just nodded his head and went over to her.
A few moments later, he'd gathered her belongings and was herding her out to his car. I wondered then how he handled the frustration. He just wanted to get in the car and drive her home and come back. Mom was acting as if she was Queen Elizabeth. She had to work the room one last time and say goodbye to each and every one of her faithful servants who'd attended the party. My mom was out of her fucking mind.
A little while after Mom and Dennis left, I started picking up the dishes and generally cleaning up as the stragglers started to go home. The party had been a big success and we'd made a lot of plans for the reunion. I needed to make sure that Eric didn't get an invitation to the reunion. All I'd need would be for him and Dennis to get together.
On one of my trips to the kitchen, my phone rang. It was my mother and she was talking in a really low voice and she was pissed.
The trip to my mother in law's house had barely begun when she started in on me. As usual, she was giving me a bunch of bullshit about how lucky I was to have Belinda. Also how Belinda was the most beautiful girl in school all the way through school and now she was a beautiful woman. According to her mother, Belinda could have married the fucking Pope and no one would have been surprised.
"You'd better step up your game, buddy," she said. "Or one day, Belinda may divorce your ass and kick you out of her house."
"Actually, it's my house," I said.
"Not in a divorce," she smirked. "The woman always gets the house and the kids."
"That's only in the case of a community property state and a marriage where there are kids," I said.
"And why won't you let me have any grandkids, you selfish bastard?" she snapped. I flicked on my iPhone and turned on the voice recorder app. I didn't respond to the question. But it didn't do me any good. She just repeated it and louder the second time around.
"You heard me Dennis Williams," she spat. "You selfish bastard, I asked you why you won't let me have any God damned grandkids?"
"Actually, it's Belinda who wants to wait a little while longer before having children," I said as politely as I could.
"Her gut has swollen up so much I almost thought she was pregnant already," said her mother. "That's your fault too. You make her eat all of those fatty foods. You're desperate to make her so fucking fat that no one else will want her aren't you? You poor deluded sap. You're afraid of her leaving you for a better man. Well, you'd better get used to it, because she's going to do it sooner or later." Then she started laughing.
"And don't come crying to me when she leaves you," she snickered. "I always thought she was too good for you. Why the hell don't you have a better car? Why don't you get one of those nice German cars like Belinda's?"
"I bought Belinda's car for her," I said.
"Well, you should have bought her a bigger one in a better color," she said. "Belinda's car is really great."
"Is it better than a bigger one in a better color?" I asked.
"Don't you sass me young man," she snapped.
"Belinda picked the color and model of her car herself," I said.
"This car is too damned loud," she said. "All I hear is Vroom Vroom, it sounds like a damned race car. Grow up, I'm embarrassed to be seen in this thing and ... Wait you're driving crazy. Why are you pulling over?"
"Get out," I said.
"What are you doing?" she asked.
"Get your old gray ass out of my car," I said calmly. "It's clear that my cheap forty thousand dollar customized Mustang is not good enough for you. So I pulled over right here, where you can get your old ass home, on a two hundred thousand dollar bus."
"Belinda's going to be mad at you, buddy," was the last thing I heard her say as I drove off and left her standing in front of the bus stop.
As I pulled into my driveway, Belinda was just coming out of the house. She was fuming. As she walked towards her car, she stepped wrong and broke the heel off of one of her shoes.
"Dennis, please tell me that this is some kind of joke," she screamed. "Please tell me that you really didn't leave my mother stranded at a bus stop on the other side of town."
I just shrugged my shoulders. "What could an old lady have done that was bad enough for you to leave her stranded?" she hissed.
I pulled out my phone and played the conversation for her. Her eyes got bigger and then she smiled. "Oh Honey," she said. "You were upset because my mother was calling me fat. Well I have picked up a few pounds since college but..."
"It comes after that," I said. She continued to listen. Then her eyes got hard. "I thought she like my Beemer," she said.
"Nope, it comes later than that," I said. "It's the part where she talked about being embarrassed to be seen in my Stang. I couldn't have her embarrassed, so I put her ass out. From now on, I won't be transporting your mother to or from her visits. If she doesn't learn how to behave, she may find herself unwelcome at the house."
Belinda limped off even angrier than she had been. A few minutes later, my phone rang.
"Are you home?" asked Ray.
"Where else would I be?" I asked.
"Danny and I are on our way over. We'll help you get rid of all of the leftovers from the queen's party. We're bringing the beer."
Less than five minutes later, Ray climbed over my back fence. "Are you ready?" I heard from over the fence.
"Yeah," yelled Ray. Then a case of Dos Equis Amber flew over my fence. Ray caught it and barely avoided falling into the pool. Danny climbed over the gate a few seconds later.
Danny accidentally hooked his foot on one of the ornamental trim pieces that topped the fence posts. He fell onto his chest and started cursing a blue streak.
"Shit, Dennis," he said loudly. "You need to do something about that fucking fence. God damn it. I think I scratched my nuts and caved my chest in. I ought to sue you."
I started laughing.
"What's so God damned funny?" he asked.
"Danny, what do you do for a living?" I asked.
"I'm an engineer, just like you dumbass," he sneered.
"Then I think you'll like this," I said. "I've invented something. It's like on Star Trek. It's kind of like the transporter." He looked at me suspiciously.
"No shit?" he asked.
"Well it doesn't exactly take you to other planets," I said. "But it's a way of transporting your atoms from one side of a wall or fence to the other instantaneously, so you won't ever have to climb over it again."
"We'll be millionaires," he said. "No, wait billionaires. What do you call it and where is it?"
"I call it..." I said. And I looked from side to side as if I was making sure that no one was listening to us.
"I call it..." he looked at me and got closer so he could hear me.
"I call it a GATE and your dumb ass just climbed over it," I said. I opened the gate and it swung open easily on well-oiled hinges.
Ray burst out laughing uncontrollably. "A GATE," he screamed, laughing even harder. Danny looked as if he was about to explode.
"I used to like you Dennis," he hissed. "Shut up, Ray, You climbed over the fucking fence too."
A few minutes later we were all sitting in front of the pool drinking. Ray was eating potato salad directly out of a huge bowl with a fork. Danny had an entire cold cut tray on his lap.
"So, what happened with Steff?" asked Danny.
"You mean Stephanie," screamed Ray, imitating her voice and her frosty tone. "That's her fucking name God fucking dammit and that's what you call her, nothing else." We all started laughing.
"That bitch is psychotic," said Danny. "But she's so hot. Why the hell do you get all of the hot women?"
"She really isn't crazy," I said. "She's just gotten used to a lot of guys hitting on her. So she tends to try to alienate them so they leave her alone. Away from you guys who were obviously spazzing over her, she was just as quiet and soft-spoken as she used to be back in college."
"But she doesn't look like she did back in college," said Ray. "If she looked like that back then, I'd have fucked her for sure."
"No you wouldn't have," said Danny. "Women like that go after one guy. I think that as soon as she saw Dennis back then, she was set. When Dennis left school she waited around until she met and married some Dennis clone. That woman wants you Dennis. And she's going to have you, one way or another. Can you say ... fatal attraction?"
"Didn't you notice that she doesn't even care that you're married to Belinda? You can tell just from being around her that Stephanie would do anything ... ANYTHING to get you. She thought that she'd lost you, so now that she's found you again ... It's on. The question is what are we going to do about it?"
"What do you mean?" I asked.
"Dennis, you kissed her a couple of times and I saw you looking at her ass. You want her. You want to fuck the freshman. Belinda prevented it from happening way back when. I just think that you should think about something besides yourself for once," he said.
"Okay, now I am confused," I said. "What the hell are you talking about?"
"I think that when you do bone her, you should stipulate that if she wants you, she has to fuck, Ray and me too," he said.
"Great idea," said Ray. "And shit, you're not in any danger. Your wife, Skankzilla, owes you one from when she got drunk and fucked that guy and you took her back. I still don't know why you did."
"There's only one problem with your flawless logic gentlemen," I said softly.
"And what's that?" asked Danny.
"I think that I really like Steff," I said seriously. "I mean like, I think I might love her."
"But you've only seen her once after ten..." began Ray. Danny put his hand over Ray's mouth.
"Are you serious, Dennis?" he said. I nodded. "How serious?" he asked.
"Like forever and ever serious," I said. "I think I have a redhead problem."
"Okay, that means we have to help you divorce Skankzilla then," he said. "I never really did like God damned cheerleaders anyway. They're a bunch of uppity bitches who think their shit doesn't stink. I've never liked the way she treats you ... or us," he said. "Let the planning begin."
I started trying to execute "Plan A" right away. "Plan A" involved me giving Belinda some of her shit right back at her. When she came back in about an hour later complaining about how traumatized her mother was, I didn't apologize or try to minimize the situation as she'd normally have expected.
As soon as she came into the room, I turned to her and said, "Quick, get me a beer before it starts." She ran to the kitchen and got me a beer. I drank the whole thing down and looked at her. "Quick, get me another one," I said. "It's going to start soon." She ran back to the kitchen and came back with another beer. I opened it and started drinking it and she spoke to me.
"Dennis, my mother was traumatized," she screamed. "I can't believe you left her at a bus stop in THAT neighborhood."
"Oh shit," I said. "It's started."
She looked at me crazily. "What's started?" she asked.
"You whining about yet another topic that I really don't give a shit about," I said. "Your mother got into the car and constantly berated everything from me, to you, to your car. When she started whining about being embarrassed to be in my car, I thought about her feelings. I didn't want her to be miserable, so I put her out. Sometimes people just need to shut the fuck up."
I got up and left her standing there wondering where her normally mild mannered and agreeable husband had gone and what had happened to bring about the changes in me.