The Stupidest Incest Story Ever Written

by ClockworkBanana

Caution: This Humor Sex Story contains strong sexual content, including Ma/Fa, Consensual, Celebrity, Science Fiction, Time Travel, Humor, Space, Incest, Brother, Sister, First, .

Desc: Humor Sex Story: He fucks sister; joins secret order, fights space pirates

Author's Note: A large part of this is a parody of incest stories, but I am not making fun of incest stories in general: I'm only making fun of the BAD incest stories.

Malcolm Rush couldn't believe his luck.

18 years old with a muscled, lean body, he was the stud who everyone wanted at his high school. Girls often told him that he looked just like a younger version of Brad Pitt, except maybe even more attractive. Despite that, he hadn't lost his virginity yet, or even had a girlfriend, and not for lack of girls having interest in him.

The truth was, he only had eyes for one girl. And that girl was his older sister, Jessica.

And right now, he was watching the object of his desire masturbate herself without her knowledge of his presence.

He stared through the keyhole of his sister's room into the mirror that reflected her actions on the bed. His sister was lying on the bed and fingering herself. It was a wonderful sight for Malcolm.

Jessica was 20, and attending a local community college so she still lived at home. She had long blonde hair, large but perky tits, a slim figure, and a firm ass. He always thought she looked a lot like model Kate Upton.

A few months ago, a few days after his 18th birthday, Malcolm had accidentally seen her get naked and about to get into the shower as he walked past her room. Luckily, she hadn't noticed, and Malcolm couldn't help but stop and stare at her. He hadn't had any sexual thoughts about her before then. They were best friends and shared everything, but he had always just thought of her as his beloved older sister and nothing else. Seeing her delicious naked body changed his mindset entirely. She was the first girl he had seen naked in the flesh and her body drove him wild. He went back to his room after that filled with shame and regret, but resolved that there was nothing wrong with it and that he wanted her bad. He hadn't jerked off to any other girl since that time.

And now, here was his sister, naked and masturbating. And he could watch it. He watched her finger her pussy and moan, and he undid his belt, pulled his pants and boxers down a notch, and started to pull out his cock and stroke it. He knew this was wrong and that it was incest, but he didn't care. Luckily, their parents were away on vacation for a few weeks.

At one point Jessica threw back her head in pleasure and it looked like she was about to orgasm. This made Malcolm extremely aroused as he imagined that he was the one fucking her.

At that point, Malcolm couldn't help but make a loud grunting noise as he stroked his dick.

A noise loud enough for her to hear.

Uh oh.

He saw that Jessica heard it, as she suddenly jolted out of bed.

"What the fuck was that?" she muttered to herself.

Malcolm sprinted over to his room and closed the door behind him, quickly.

Too quickly, he soon realized. It made a loud slamming noise. Damnit.

He lay in bed pretending to sleep, hoping the knock wouldn't come at the door.

It did. He ignored it, then heard the door handle slowly open. Damn, he should have locked it. He lay in his bed pretending to sleep, even though it was only 9:00pm and his light was still on.

Even though his eyes were closed, he could tell that Jessica was standing in his doorway glowering at him.

"Malcolm," she said coldly. "Malcolm. I know you're not asleep."

He groaned and pretending to wake up. "Oh, hey, sis, what's up? I must have dozed off."

"You didn't doze off," she said with an icy glare. "You were just outside my room, and you darted back in here."

"What? No, that's crazy, I was..."

"Shut the FUCK up!" she yelled, "You know exactly what you were doing! You were watching me, you fucking pervert!"

Malcolm stood up, and Jessica looked into his eyes. Malcolm had no idea what to say or think. He felt ashamed. He had just ruined the purest and most loving relationship in his life by giving in to his raging hormones and thinking of her sexually.

He looked down, with sadness. "I'm so sorry, sis. I couldn't help it ... I just..."

"Malcolm, do you have any idea what you were doing? I'm your sister! What is wrong with you?"

"I'm so sorry Jess ... please ... I love you ... don't let this change things..."

She could hardly compose herself. "How DARE you, how dare you sit there ... watch me in my private moments, pleasuring myself ... how could you..."

"Please, Jess, please..."

"How could you ... touch yourself, think about me in THAT way..."

He was silent. There was nothing he could say.

She paused for a moment too, then continued.

" ... and not join in?"

Malcolm did a double take. "Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa?"

Malcolm didn't have time to react as Jessica lunged towards him, grabbed the back of his head, lifted her left leg to wrap around him, and leaned in for a deep French kiss. He was in heaven as their tongues intertwined.

She eventually detached her lips from his and gave him a sultry look. "Now why don't you take your clothes off and get in bed, so you can fuck your big sister."

Malcolm was dumbfounded. He couldn't believe this was happening. His forbidden fantasy was coming true. He walked into her bedroom behind her as he took off his shirt, kicked off his sandals, and then pulled his pants and boxers off of him.

"Sis, are you sure about this? This would be..."

"Incest?" she said as she leaned on one side on the bed, looking at him, her large breasts swaying. "Who cares what it's called? Here's the most important thing to call it: this is LOVE. You're the only man I've ever loved, and I've been saving myself for you. Just like I know you've been saving yourself for me."

"Wow," Malcolm said as he tried to compose his thoughts, "so you've been thinking about this for quite some time, too..."

"Of course I've been thinking about it. I'm surprised it took this long." She moved towards him as he stood there, then got on her knees and used her hands to start massaging his cock and balls. "I've been planning it, too. Do you really think I would have gotten naked in order to go into the shower without noticing that my door was open?"

Malcolm was mesmerized as her head slowly started to move towards his cock. He had wanted this for so long, so he wasn't sure why he was still asking questions about it. But he knew he had to make sure this was real and not some fluke or heat of the moment decision. "We still need to think about this, sis. Things won't ever be the same after this."

"You're right," Jessica said, "they'll be better." She opened her mouth and took the length of his cock inside of it.

Malcolm was in heaven as his dreams came true. His beloved sister was finally sucking his cock. The moment he had dreamed of. He looked into her eyes as she moved it back and forth while fondling his balls while continuing to play with herself.

After about ten minutes, she went back towards the bed and opened her legs for him. "Since I've been playing with myself, I think I'm decently wet, so you don't have to worry about returning the favor if you don't want to."

"Are you kidding?" Malcolm said with a smile. "I've been dreaming of tasting that sweet juicy honeypot for some time, no way I'm passing up that opportunity." He walked towards the bed and knelt before her, as he grabbed either sides of her ass cheeks and leaned in to stick his tongue in her pussy. He moved his tongue slowly and deliberately, teasing her clit as he did so.

"Oh, God!" Jessica yelled. "I've never had my pussy eaten before, it feels so damn good! Don't stop!"

After several minutes, Jessica looked like she as on the brink of orgasm. "You can stop eating me now - I don't want to orgasm on your tongue, little brother, I want to orgasm on your dick."

"I'll be happy to oblige you," Malcolm said as he stood up and then slowly entered his erect dick into the sweet folds of her wet pussy as she lay on the bed.

Jessica threw her head back and screamed. "Oh, God, Malcolm! Please fuck me! More, harder! Oh, baby! Oh, baby!"

He picked up the pace. As he continued to enter her, he knew that he had made the correct decision waiting for the right girl to lose his virginity to, and he knew he had picked the right girl. This experience was bliss.

After a few more minutes, she announced that she was ready to finish. "Oh, dear brother! You've made me fucking cum! I'm cumming all over your huge cock!" He enjoyed the sweet feel of her release on him.

Malcolm eventually got on his back so she could ride him cowgirl style, then flipped her around to enter her doggy-style. After about twenty minutes he couldn't control it any longer.

"I'm about to cum too, sis."

"Oh, God, little brother, cum inside my pussy."

"Are you sure that's a good idea?"

She paused as she methodically moved her ass back and forth on his cock. "Do you love me?"

"I love you more than anything else in the world."

"Then show me you love me by cumming deep inside your sister's pussy."

He couldn't argue with that, and violently unleashed his hot cum deep inside of her.

They both collapsed onto the bed. He kissed her on the forehead.

"Like I said, Malcolm said as he stroked her back, "this changes everything for us."

"It sure does," Jessica responded, "and I love every bit of it."


A man named Donny walked out of an elevator, back from his cigarette break, and sat down in a chair. He was sitting in front of a large amount of computer screens in a control center. He looked at the nearly two dozen screens and monitors, taking as many notes as he could.

Donny yawned, then leaned back in his chair and started to doze off.

Suddenly, a loud alarm sounded. Red sirens went off everywhere.

"WARNING! WARNING! INCEST ALERT! INCEST ALERT!" the alarm blared over the loudspeakers.

Donny was shocked awake. "What? Who? Where?" he asked as he composed himself.

A woman ran in from a nearby room, dressed in her nightgown. "What's going on, brother?" she asked.

"The incest alert is sounding," Donny responded. "We need more information. Chip, get in here!"

Their robot butler, Chip, suddenly wheeled into the room, flailing his mechanical arms up and down. "Aye-yi-yi-yi! The incest alert is on full blast!"

"Chip, you need to calm down," Donny responded. "Who are you talking about, and where is it happening?"

"According to reports, an insanely attractive pair of siblings has consummated their relationship in Cincinnati, Ohio!"

"Have they? Onscreen," Donny responded.

Donny turned towards the screen and was rewarded with headshots of quite possibly the hottest couple he had ever seen, as well as a meter reading and graph that was off the charts.

"This is unbelievable," he said to his sister, "just look at that sister, she looks like Kate Upton if only she was even hotter."

"I know what you're saying, bro," she responded, "that guy looks just like a young Brad Pitt, if only Brad Pitt was even more attractive and awesome. And look at these charts, the incest meter is in the red, meaning that they're having sex right now. Let's bring up their biographies."

Donny clicked to zoom in on the brother's headshot and brought up his bio, and read it onscreen.


NAME: Malcolm Kyle Rush

Age: 18

Height: 6'2

Weight: 203 lbs

Hair: Brown

Eyes: Green

Physical description: Heavily muscled, athletic, handsome

Personality traits: Brave, intelligent, charismatic, noble


Donny nodded then clicked on the sister's biography notes.


NAME: Jessica Colleen Rush

Age: 20

Height: 5'7

Weight: 119 lbs

Hair: Blonde

Eyes: Blue

Physical description: Shapely, model-esque, slim waist, large breasts

Personality traits: None discernible


Donny turned towards his sister with a mixture of hopefulness and wonder in his eyes. "Sister, do you think, maybe ... they could be... ?"

"Seems like they have a shot," she responded. "We'll have to visit them first, and then bring them back."

"Only one choice, then," Donny responded. "We have to go get them. Make haste, to the incest mobile!"


The next day, Malcolm and Jessica couldn't keep their hands off each other, taking full advantage of the fact that their parents were gone for some time. Everything was right in the world for Malcolm. He got to be with the woman he loved. Their situation would be complicated once their parents returned, but he knew love would conquer all.

The two of them lay together on the couch in the living room for a short period of time after another intense lovemaking session, when suddenly they heard the doorbell ring. Jessica panicked, grabbed her clothes, and ran towards the bathroom. Malcolm quickly put his clothes back on as well, and walked over towards the door, annoyed by this distraction.

When Malcolm opened the door, he was greeted by a dark haired man and women who were still very attractive despite being in their 40's or 50's. Something about the two of them seemed familiar, but he couldn't quite place his finger on it.

"Hello there," the man said as he extended his hand, "you must be Malcolm Rush."

"Yeah, that's my name. If you don't mind me asking, what are you here for? Are you selling something?"

The man laughed for a moment. "Do you recognize me and my partner here? It's okay if you don't recognize us by face, the height of our popularity was well before your time."

"I vaguely recognize your faces, but I can't quite place it, sorry."

"Quite alright," the woman laughed. "My name is Marie Osmond, and this is my brother Donny. We used to be pop stars in the 70's and 80's."

"Oh, right, sorry!" Malcolm replied. "Donny and Marie. Yeah, yeah, okay. I've definitely heard of you, I'm sorry I couldn't recognize you by face right away. So, umm, wait, why the hell are you two here at my doorstep and how do you know my name?"

Donny paused before responding. "It's a rather serious issue, I'm afraid. May we come in and talk for a moment?"

"I don't think that's such a good idea, I'm sort of busy at the moment..."

"Busy having intercourse with your sister, yes, of course," Donny replied. "This involves her as well. Tell Jessica to come out of the bathroom so we can talk to both of you."

Malcolm was absolutely dumbfounded. How could they have known? He had half a mind to kick them out, but was just too curious as to what was going on. He let them in before knocking on the bathroom door to tell Jessica to come out. She was shocked as well, but they agreed to sit down and listen to what the two had to say.

"Before we start," Jessica asked, "how the hell did you know about our activity and how do you know our names? And why do you care?"

"This is a very complicated matter," Marie answered, "all those questions will be answered in due time. Suffice to say, we may need your services."

"You see, Marie and I are here as representatives of a very important and powerful organization," Donny continued. "An organization called 'The Supreme Council of Incest.'"

"The Supreme Council of Incest? What the fuck? That sounds absolutely insane. Is this some sort of joke?" Malcolm responded.

"No joke, we are very serious. As newly discovered incestuous lovers who are both ridiculously attractive, Marie and I feel like you may be the people we have been looking for to complete our long standing quest."

"Long standing quest?" Jessica replied. "This is ridiculous. What sort of long standing quest? What are you talking about?"

Donny and Marie started to reply to her, but suddenly Jessica cut them off. "Hold on, for a moment. Would you mind if I spoke with my brother for a moment in private?"

They obliged as Jessica dragged Malcolm into the kitchen nearby and then whispered to him.

"Malcolm," she whispered, "what the hell is going on? This can't be real, it feels like some sort of practical joke. Please tell me you didn't tell one of your friends about us last night and that they hired some people to play a joke on us ... you didn't tell Ted, did you?" Ted was the name of Malcolm's friend, a horny jokester who liked to pull pranks.

Malcolm grabbed her shoulders and kissed her on the forehead. "I swear to God, Jessica. I swear on our love, I have told no one and I have no idea what the hell they're talking about. I sure as hell would never tell anyone, especially not that asshole Ted. Besides, have I even left your side since last night? I had no part of this."

Once she seemed satisfied with his answer, the two of them walked back into the living room.

"Sorry about the interruption. Please explain further," Malcolm asked.

"It's okay, we know this is difficult for you. It's a very complicated story, and I'm afraid the two of us can't quite do it justice explaining it here," Marie answered.

Donny continued her train of thought. "Luckily, we have someone who can explain it all. A few years ago we realized that we needed someone who was great at explaining things and giving exposition to the newcomers. So we figured, who's better at giving explanations and exposition than Morgan Freeman? So, we convinced Morgan to marry his step-granddaughter so he could join the Council of Incest. Please come with us back to our headquarters so we can have him explain everything, and we can introduce you to the rest of the council."

Malcolm paced around the room at this madness. "Morgan Freeman? The actor? Everything that you're saying is absolute nonsense. We aren't going anywhere with you."

"I don't think you quite understand," Donny replied, "this is more important than any of us. The fate of the world depends on it."


While dumbfounded, Malcolm and Jessica eventually confirmed by looking up their pictures of their phones that these people were actually the former pop stars Donny and Marie Osmond and not some sort of impersonators, so they figured there was little risk in traveling with them, even if this was some sort of elaborate prank.

They left Cincinnati and drove in their car for some time and after about an hour and a half found themselves in rural Kentucky. Donny and Marie eventually led them to an apparently abandoned factory. Malcolm was still skeptical at what was going on, and became even more puzzled as Donny walked inside and flipped over a rock to reveal a control panel. He inputted a code into the control panel, and an elevator suddenly rose from the ground.

"How did you make that elevator appear? What on earth is happening?"

"Like we said, answers await inside," Marie responded.

Malcolm was hesitant about this as they got into the elevator and took a long ride down into some sort of underground fortress. What plan were they talking about, and how did he and his sister fit into the equation?

Finally, the door opened, and Malcolm walked out to see what appeared to be an elaborate and ornate military facility. The central room had large portraits of Albert Einstein former president Franklin D. Roosevelt.

"Ah, good old Einstein and FDR," Donny reminisced as they walked past the painting, "two of the most respected men in modern history, and both married their cousins to support our cause."

"May they rest in peace," Marie solemnly added.

As they continued to walk down the hallways towards their destination, Malcolm noticed a large amount of paintings everywhere depicting various famous people throughout history who were apparently involved in some sort of incest, and a description of their incestuous activity.

Finally, the four of them walked up to what appeared to be the doors to a large and ornate boardroom. A young African-American man sat outside at a large desk at the entrance.

Donny walked up to the man and greeted him. "Hey, Nick, how's it going? What have you been up to?"

"Not much, not much," Nick replied. "Just been watching the incest meter reports. Had a close call earlier today in Albuquerque, from what I could tell it seemed like the brother was tickling his sister in a pretty suggestive manner. Unfortunately, she said she was getting uncomfortable, and he agreed and stopped."

"That's a shame," Donny replied. "Hopefully this is just the first step and they'll come around. Anyway, everyone in the council is in there and prepared?"

"Sure are."

"Excellent. Oh, how rude of me. I'd like to introduce you to our guests."

Marie suddenly brought Malcolm and Jessica to the forefront so they could talk to him. "Malcolm and Jessica, I'd like you to meet Nick Brown. He's Whitney Houston's adopted son, and he's been having relations with his adopted sister," she explained. "He's trying to work his way up into the council, but for now he serves as an assistant and guard."

"Ah, Malcolm and Jessica. So nice to see you two in the flesh, you guys are just as attractive as people have mentioned," Nick responded as she shook both of their hands.

"People have mentioned us? What?" Malcolm asked.

"Oh yeah, everyone's been talking about it. I bet the sex between you two was crazy hot."

"Wow, that is a wildly inappropriate thing to say," Malcolm responded, irritated.

"Things work a bit differently here, you'll get used to it," Nick smiled.

Jessica suddenly chimed in, "You know, I'm not exactly thrilled about this whole invasion of privacy thing, how on earth did you guys know about..."

Marie shushed her. "Calm down, child. It's time for us to meet with the council. Everything will be explained."

Nick pushed a button on his desk, and the large wooden doors suddenly opened.

"The council will see you now," he exclaimed.

Malcolm, Jessica, Donny and Marie all walked forward into the large boardroom as the doors closed behind them. There were 11 large chairs around a large desk in a semi-circle, all facing away from them. 9 of the chairs were occupied, with the other two obviously being for Donny and Marie. There was a logo in the center of the desk, a picture of the male gender symbol placing its arrow into the circle at the top of the female gender symbol, with a picture of a DNA strand between them.

"Malcolm and Jessica, we would like to introduce you to the esteemed order of the Supreme Council of Incest. These are people you may recognize who have helped support our cause by promoting incest in culture, either by committing it themselves or displaying it in the works they create," Donny explained.

The chairs suddenly swiveled around to face them, and Malcolm and Jessica got their first look at the members of the council. Malcolm recognized a few of them and was shocked at a few of the members.

"Let's introduce each of the members to you, one by one," Marie stated. She started at the far end. "You're already familiar with Mr. Freeman and his contributions."

"I'm pleased to make your acquaintance. I know that there's a lot going through your head right now, but everything will be clear as a whistle in due time," Morgan Freeman told them in his reassuring voice.

Marie went one spot further and introduced an older white man that Malcolm didn't recognize. "This man is director Nick Cassavetes. He made a film promoting incest and then caused a controversy by going to the papers to support incestuous marriage."

"Hey, my methods may have been a bit blunt, but it got people talking about incest," Cassavetes smiled.

Donny then pointed out the small nebbish of a man in glasses to Cassavetes's left, who Malcolm instantly recognized. "I'm sure you recognize Mr. Woody Allen, and remember him leaving his wife for her daughter that he helped raise."

"Thanks for the introduction, Donny," Woody Allen sheepishly replied. "Although I understand if you two have some reservations about this place. After all, I would be hesitant to join any club that would have..."

"That would have you as a member, yes, yes, we get it, you say that every time!" a young man with long brown hair sitting next to him snapped. " Geez, I didn't agree to pretend to be gay with my brother on TV just so I would have to listen to the same jokes over and over. You didn't even invent that joke, it's from Mencken!"

Donny laughed and introduced the young interrupter as Jared Padalecki, who they were using to tap into the market of homosexuals with repressed incestuous desires through his homoerotic show about two brothers on the CW.

They were then introduced to director George Lucas, who had included some unwitting incest in his Star Wars movies by having an attraction between Luke and Leia. Next, they were introduced to Virginia Andrews, an old woman who apparently wrote a popular mainstream incest literary work called "Flowers in the Attic."

Marie then acknowledged an extremely obese man with a scraggly beard. "And next we have George R.R. Martin, whose Game of Thrones series and TV show depict incest constantly."

"Nice to meet you," George R.R. Martin said as he licked his lips. "So you two are brother and sister? That's my favorite. You two are a regular Jaime and Cersei Lannister."

The next member was unmistakable, a young man with brown hair and a thick orange jacket, but Malcolm couldn't believe what he was seeing.

"And this man, who I'm sure you recognize, is Marty McFly. He went back in time and got hot and heavy with his own mother!"

"Nice to meet you," Marty responded, "I understand you might be the Chosen Ones. This is heavy!"

Malcolm stopped them. "Okay, hold the fucking phone for one moment here. I'm pretty damn sure that Marty McFly is a fictional character from a movie. And yet here he is, and he still looks young, nothing like what Michael J. Fox looks like today. What is going on here?"

"Hey man, time travel causes some crazy things to happen," Marty responded. "Speaking of which, has either of you seen a 1981 DeLorean car anywhere? I seem to have misplaced it a few days ago."

Malcolm decided to let it go, but almost lost it when he was introduced to the last member.

"Dey already know me," the last member said in his trademark sneer, "errybody know me. Errybody want to be Tony Montana. Errybody do imitations. Dey pull out the two guns, they say 'Say hello to my little friend.' Dey say about wanting the money and the power and the women. Errybody pretend to be me. But nobody remember that I wanted to fuck my sister. Nobody imitate that part! And that was the whole point of the damn movie!"

"Okay, okay," Malcolm paused. "This is nonsense. I KNOW Tony Montana is a fictional character. And also I'm pretty sure he died at the end of the movie."

"Hey, spoiler alert, mang!" Tony replied. "I ain't even seen it yet!"

"What? You haven't seen your own ... how do you ... how is that even..."

George Lucas decided to speak up and interrupt them. "In all seriousness, I empathize with what Tony is talking about. I made the Star Wars films and they became wildly popular, and everyone started to imitate them. Everyone wants to be a Jedi, everyone pretends to fight with light sabers. Whenever guys walk up to automatic sliding doors, they always wave their hand across first so they can pretend they're opening it with the Force. But no one talks about the romantic passion that Luke and Leia had, and that was the whole reason I created it."

"Also, Darth Vader definitely was doing it with Leia at the beginning of Episode 4 when he was interrogating her, right?" Woody Allen added.

"Uh, sure, whatever you want," Lucas responded.

Malcolm was just about fed up with all this and turned to face Donny, "Okay, now we've met all you. A bunch of celebrities and stuff. Two of them aren't even real."

"Also, I've been looking you guys up on my phone as you've been talking and I'm pretty sure Virginia Andrews died, like over 25 years ago," Jessica added.

"I got better," Virginia replied.

"Okay, whatever," Malcolm continued. "So what the hell is this all about?"

"Allow me to explain things," Morgan Freeman said calmly as he got out of his chair and walked over to them. Malcolm and Jessica immediately felt reassured by his dulcet tones. "You see, our order has been involved in a long standing battle. A battle that we need to win. And we feel that you may be the Chosen Ones that the prophecy has talked about."

As soon as he mentioned "Chosen Ones," the door opened behind them and a frantic looking man in raggedy clothes with a British accent came out to address everyone.

"What's all this about the Chosen Ones? These two can't be the Chosen Ones! Everyone knows that I'm the Chosen One!" the frantic British man yelled out, exasperated. "I'm the most popular incest writer on the ENTIRE INTERNET! I have the most votes! I have the most comments! I have the most contest wins! Of course it was my own fake contests but who cares about that? I've made so much Monopoly money selling my stories that I've even bought a boat! I've also created a 'reader' for my works, for both fans and serious scholars!"

A few security guards suddenly grabbed the man and dragged him out of the room, still ranting.

"Uh, wait, who was that guy?" Malcolm asked.

"Don't know, just some guy that hangs around here looking for attention," Donny responded. "We need to tighten security around here."

Morgan Freeman composed himself and continued. He pressed a button and a screen came down in the middle of the room to show images while he talked to Malcolm and Jessica.

"You see, you two, incest has been a part of life since life began. Single celled organisms reproduced with themselves. Life itself couldn't go on without incest. That's how mankind came into being. Back in Biblical times, Adam and Eve's children had the burden of populating our planet. Cain and Abel both married their sisters and had children with them, and so on and so forth. And after the great flood, Noah and his family, as well as all of the animals, had to reproduce using incest.

"This tradition continued on for ages. Through caveman times, through feudal times, all throughout mankind's history. The pagans, the ancient Greeks, the ancient Egyptians, all committing incest. Royal houses of Europe and Asia married their relatives to keep the bloodlines pure."

Freeman then displayed a chart on the screen. It was a graphing chart, with the x-axis showing periods of Earth's history and the y-axis displaying "percentage of incest acceptance." The trajectory of the graph was going downwards.

"But as time went on," Freeman continued, "incest became less and less accepted. It started with the Roman Empire, who decided they weren't fond of incest and banned it in their territories. Despite all the incest throughout the Bible, Judeo-Christian religions turned against it as well due to Roman influence. Later on, scientists came in to the picture, they did genetic testing, told everyone incest was wrong. And that brings us to where we are today, with incest considered a taboo, with levels at an all-time low."

"Okay, that makes sense," Jessica said. "Thanks for the history lesson. I'm not really in a position to judge since I've been sleeping with my brother, but what's the big deal, exactly? Why are you so obsessed with keeping incest popular?"

"Let me show you a few other charts," Freeman responded.

He showed them a chart of time versus "human decency," which showed that "human decency" was going down as mankind progressed (although Malcolm had no idea how he quantified that). He then showed the same trends showing that "self-respect," "kindness" and "passiveness" were going down, while "human aggressiveness," "greed," and "potential for worldwide destruction through technology" was going up.

"In addition to these human factors, the Earth is also slowly getting destroyed by climate change as businesses carelessly ignore environmental decency, making it weaker, more ripe for attack," Freeman continued.

"Okay, so it seems like the gist of what you're saying is that all these bad things have been accumulating over time, while at the same time that incest has been going down," Malcolm interjected, "and you think that the lack of incest is what's causing the aggressiveness, the breakdown of human kind? That's a faulty argument. The bad things you mentioned could be happening just because of the natural progression of time and human nature. Correlation doesn't always mean causation."

"Unfortunately, Mr. Rush, in this case we are quite certain that it does."

"So what you're saying is that if people are committing incest, it causes them to be happier and better people and stops them from destroying the environment?" Jessica asked.

"In one sense, yes," Freeman continued, "but that's not the full story. You see, these negative impulses, they aren't necessarily caused by lack of incest in and of itself. They're caused by an outside source, an evil source that's been sending negative brain waves to humans for eons in order to destroy us so they can take over our planet, and incest helps prevent them."

Malcolm was stunned. Was he talking about aliens? Was this real?

"And incest can stop these waves?" Jessica asked.

"Yes, that's correct, Miss Rush. It just so happens that when a person commits incest, something about the biology involved in the act gives that person resistance to these foreign offending brain waves. Committing incest is about reinforcing your DNA – you're interacting with someone that has more of your blood, so in a sense you're adding and reinforcing your own internal make-up, making you stronger, making you able to resist the waves. Even in cases where the incest isn't among people who are actually biologically related, such as in my case, the filter of assumed incest causes the brain to think that it's reinforcing itself anyway, thus resisting the waves."

Malcolm shook his head. "I can't believe what I'm hearing. So aliens really have been sending brain waves to try to take us over? Those guys who wear the tinfoil on their heads were right all along?"

"Well, not exactly aliens, Mr. Rush," Freeman answered. "I believe the more specific term would be ... space pirates."

"Fucking SPACE PIRATES? Seriously?"

"I'm afraid this is quite a serious matter. And we feel you two might be the ones to stop them."


"Yarr, matey, I knows what I saws. Saws it with me own good eye through the lookout port. They took 'em and broughts 'ems into their cavern," the space pirate explained to his admiral.

"And you're absolutely sure about this?" his admiral, Julius Caesar, responded.

"Yarr, as sure as I am that a whale ate my leg."

"Thank you for your report, Peg-Leg Pete. I will make sure to report this to the Supreme Commander," Caesar responded.

Caesar walked away, dismayed by this news. He paused to take a moment to look at their armada of pirate ships in space as he walked back and forth on the deck.

Caesar knew that the news had to be reported, but he wasn't looking forward to upsetting the Supreme Commander. Caesar owed his life to him. After he had been stabbed at the Roman Senate chamber in 44 BC, the Supreme Commander appeared to him and transported him to their space fleet, where Caesar was healed through their advanced technology. This same technology also allowed him to stay alive throughout the millenniums.

The Supreme Commander had saved Caesar because of his role in banning incest throughout the Roman territories, one of the first rulers of civilizations to do so. When the Supreme Commander told him of the intentions and purposes of the space pirates, Caesar immediately joined their cause, becoming second-in-command of the operation.

He ruminated over the possibilities. If the Incest Council had truly found the Chosen Ones as foretold in the prophecies, their entire operation could be in trouble. He pondered a direct attack, but he knew that would be impossible. The Council was wise to set their base in the heart of rural Kentucky – the incest vibes there were far too powerful, and the pirates' attacks would have no effect.

Caesar sighed as he walked towards the Supreme Commander's throne room. He walked in and saw the Supreme Commander sitting in his chair, draped in a cloak and covered by shadow. Caesar approached him cautiously, and knelt before him.

"What news have you, Julius?" the Supreme Commander asked.

"Potentially dire news, my Lord. The Incest Council believes that they have found the Chosen Ones, and they have taken harbor in their fortress."

"Oh, have they now?" the Supreme Commander cackled. "Well, let's just see about that. We've disposed of some of their so-called 'Chosen Ones' before. What information do you have on them?"

"From what the lookout crew has gathered, it seems like it's a brother and sister. Both exceptionally attractive by the standards of modern day America."

"How far have they progressed?"

"Looks like they're still at the first stage, they recently discovered their lust for each other for the first time. They haven't reached the part where the mom becomes sexually involved yet or anything."

"And do you have their names?"

Caesar looked down at the report he was handed. "It says here that the names are ... Malcolm Rush and Jessica Rush, of Cincinnati in the United States."

The Supreme Commander was silent. "I see. Malcolm and Jessica Rush. I have been watching them with great interest for some time. So the time has come at last for them to meet their destiny and challenge us."

The Supreme Commander threw back his head and let forth a maniacal evil laughter. Caesar joined him in laughing so that it wouldn't be awkward, even though he wasn't sure what they were laughing about.

Eventually the evil laughter subsided. "Arm the fleets, Julius. Prepare for an attack."


Malcolm and Jessica were still trying to process what was happening to them as they stood with the Council in the war room, going over maps and plans.

George R.R. Martin, having studied war plans and strategies for his series, was their tactical commander.

"So, you see," Martin said as he pointed at some maps, "the space pirates have an armada which they keep hidden a few distances behind the moon. The waves they send out have a cloaking device which renders the fleet invisible to the human eye, unless that person is committing incest, of course."

"They also can't be captured by camera, so throughout history, whenever an astronomer who engaged in incest was able to see them, no one believed that person," Donny added.

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