"An old farmer was pulled over by a young state trooper for speeding. The trooper, fresh on the job, decided to throw his weight around and he started lecturing the farmer about his speed. He did his best to make the farmer uncomfortable but eventually got around to writing the ticket.
As he wrote he had to swat at several flies that were buzzing around his head.
"Having some problems with circle flies there are ya?" asked the farmer.
The trooper stopped writing the ticket and looked up. "Well yeah, if that's what they are" he said. "I never heard of circle flies before though."
"Oh, they are pretty common on farms" said the farmer. "We call them circle flies because they are always circling the back end of a horse."
"I see" the trooper said as he continued writing the ticket. All of a sudden he stopped and looked at the farmer. "Hey ... wait a minute; are you trying to call me a horse's ass?"
"Oh no officer" said the farmer. "I have far too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horse's ass."
"Well that's a good thing" said the trooper as he resumed writing the ticket.
After a long pause the farmer continued, "Hard to fool them flies though."
Why was I sitting in the Landing Strip listening to a want to be stand up comic? I was there more for the booze than the entertainment. That and it was the place where Darnell usually hung out. I wanted to see Darnell in an informal setting.
I thought back to the first time six years ago when I did this same exact thing. I wasn't absolutely sure, but I think the stand up comic was even the same one. As I waited for Darnell to show I remembered that first time.
Darnell was a Detective Sergeant on the local police force and Darnell owed me a couple of favors and I was where I needed to see if I could call one in. In a way Darnell owed his job to me. He had been accepted into the police academy and we had gone out drinking to celebrate. Dar had taken on board a little too much to drink and he drove into a parked car. A DUI would have gotten him tossed out of the academy so I swapped places with him and took the hit. Four points and a DUI on my driving record and loss of my license for a year, but Darnell went to the academy and graduated number two in a class of forty-six.
And why did I need some detecting? That's why I was at the Strip for booze and not entertainment. My wife Tracy had just informed me that I was going to be a daddy in nine months and it did not set well with me. Not that I was against kids and didn't want any, but because I knew I couldn't have any.
Tracy was born to be a mommy and one of the things she told me before we got married was that she wanted a big family. She thought four kids would be perfect. We had been married for three years and she wasn't pregnant yet so she began to worry that something was wrong so to calm her down I went and had myself tested. I found out that I was as sterile as it was possible to be. My problem was that I loved Tracy so damned much that it would kill me to lose her and I was afraid if I told her I could never get her pregnant she would leave me and find someone who could give her the kids she wanted. I did the only thing I could think of – I lied. I told her that the test showed that I should be able to get half the women in town pregnant with just one drop of my superior baby making juice. Tracey had herself tested and found that she could pump them out if she could just get her eggs fertilized.
We redoubled our efforts. For a week before and a week after her most fertile times we made love at least twice a day and on her most fertile day we made love three times. Another year went by with no pregnancy and then suddenly a happy smiling Tracy giving me the great news. The problem of course being that if she was pregnant it was because SODDI. "Some Other Dude Did It" for those of you not up on the current lexicon.
Now I've already said that I loved Tracy so much that it would kill me to lose her and as wimpy as it makes me sound I loved her enough to keep my mouth shut and raise some other asshole's kid to keep from losing her, but – and make that BUT in capital letters – the asshole that fucked my wife was going to have to pay a very stiff price for doing it. I know that Tracy was just as guilty as the asshole, but I loved her and I already knew I hated the asshole whoever he might be.
I saw Darnell come in and I waved him over to my table. He sat down and said:
"What brings you to this place? I didn't think that you liked this kind of entertainment."
"It isn't bad; it just isn't my kind of thing. Mainly I'm here because I know that this is where you usually hang out. I need a favor bud; I need a huge favor."
"You name it, you got it."
I explained the situation to him."
"I know I owe you big Walt, but if it backfires on me I could lose my job."
"You know me well enough to know that no matter how things fall I'll keep you out of it."
"Okay bud; I'll trust you. I'll need a few days or so."
"Take all the time you need. I need the info, but I don't need it in a hurry."
"My wife is from Minnesota and for some weird reason she thinks that it makes her better than me because I am from Iowa. Did you know that the toilet seat was invented by a Minnesotan? Two years later an Iowan invented the hole in it.
"There was this Swede from Minnesota who bought his wife Lena a piano for her birthday. A few weeks later Lars asked, Hey Ole, how is Lena doing with her piano?"
"Oh" Ole said, "I persvaded her to svitch to de clarinet."
"How come?" Lars asked. "Vell" said Ole, "Because vith a clarinet she can't sing."
The phone rings in the middle of the night when Ole and Lena are in bed and Ole answers. "Vell how da hell should I know. Dats two thousand miles from here" he says and hangs up.
"Who vas dat" Lena asked.
"I dunno. Some fool vanting to know if the coast was clear."
I was again at the Landing Strip on a Wednesday. Darnell had called and said he had the information I needed and he asked me to meet him there. He came in, saw me and headed for my table. I already had a beer setting there for him and he lifted it, took a pull and then slid me an envelope across the table to me.
"It's all there. Just be careful okay?"
"Careful is my middle name."
"Funny; all these years I've known you and I always thought your middle name was Randolph."
"Got me there."
"Just try real hard to make sure that this doesn't come back on me."
"You know I'll always have your back Dar."
"I know bud; believe me I know."
I opened the envelope, read the contents and then said, "Thanks bud."
Three days later Marv Pallister walked out of his apartment and was severally beaten and robbed. A good bit of the violence inflicted on Mr. Pallister was done to the area of his genitals and I understand that he lost both of his testicles. Such a pity for a man so young. I was just a little pissed that his wallet only had $186.00 in it. Tracy's pussy was worth a hell of a lot more than that. At least to me.
Tracy seemed a little out of sorts for a couple of weeks and when I asked if something was wrong she blamed it on mood swings brought on by the pregnancy. Being a bit of a cynic I didn't believe her and I put it down to her being upset at what happened to her lover. Things smoothed out between us and things were good between us until the baby was born.
The ultrasound had shown that the baby was as boy and we talked about possible names. Personally I didn't care much for any particular name, but when Tracy said she wanted to name the baby after her grandfather Marvin I dug in my heels and said:
"No! No child of mine is going to be named Marvin."
"But you don't understand. I promised my mother that I would name my first son after her father. I have to do it."
"No Tracy; no way."
I knew damned well that it wasn't her grandfather she wanted to name the baby after. She wanted to name the baby after the baby's father.
"Why are you so opposed?"
"When I was growing up there was an older kid in the neighborhood and he was a bully. He made my life miserable for almost ten years until his family moved away. I hated him with a passion and I've hated the name Marvin ever since."
It was a lie of course, but even though I would pretend to accept the kid as mine there was no way I was going to let her honor her lover. She pouted some and we finally agreed that the baby's name would have her father's first name and my father's first name as his middle name. He would be named Jason Louis Walton.
The child was born; a healthy eight pounder and when I picked up the birth certificate at the desk I found that Tracy had named the boy Marvin Walter Walton. I told them that a mistake had been made and that his name was supposed to be Jason Louis. They told me that they were sorry, but that is the name my wife told them to put on the birth certificate and I would have to discuss the matter with her. I went to her room, stuck the birth certificate under her nose and said:
"Just what is the meaning of this? You know my stance on the name Marvin."
"I promised my mother."
"Then you can call your mother when you are ready to leave so she can pick you up and take you home with her. I'll box up your clothes and things and send them over to her house for you."
"What are you saying?"
.... There is more of this story ...