Hi folks. I have no idea what happened last week with the double posting. It was supposed to be another roughly four or five pager. This one is even shorter than last week and should be less than five pages, that is for all of you who actually bother to read the story. I'd like to thank as always mikothebaby for her usual editing prowess. SS06
Like most guys, during my lifetime I've looked at some porn ... okay, I've seen a lot of porn. But I've also been on the internet and read some of those divorce and cheating stories. I read them to help me deal with something I was going through at the time and to get a handle on how someone very close to me had to be feeling when he went through it.
I've always had my own opinions over the way the guys in the stories handled their wives and the guys they cheated with. And under no circumstances would anyone ever think that I'd be a cuck or a wimp. It is simply not in my nature. I always had a very strong opinion on exactly what I'd do in that situation, but I never thought I'd actually ever do it.
One reason is that most of us talk a lot of shit when we're not in that situation but when you're the person it happens to, everything you thought about, all of your tough assed bullshit goes out the window. When it's your heart that is being ripped still beating from your chest and not some fictional character's, everything is different.
Most of those stories start out with a guy coming home early to find a strange car in his driveway. In my case, I did come home early, but the car in my driveway was all too familiar to me.
Unlike those guys in the stories, I knew from halfway down the block that something was strange in the neighborhood. I parked my car a Mustang GT, three houses down the block and waved to my retired neighbor, Benson Dubois, whose house I parked in front of.
I walked down the block as quickly and as quietly as I could. I opened my front door as quietly as I could too. I heard the bed springs squeaking as soon as I got inside the house. My blood pressure must have shot up at least fifty points. But my brain was functioning clearly.
I knew that my wife was upstairs and I knew who she was upstairs with. I'd known the bastard since we were toddlers and we'd fought over Kathy until I finally just married her to end the competition.
On one hand, the news that Kathy was fucking the bastard was a shock to me. He and I had become good friends over the past twelve years since I married Kathy. There were a lot of guys who I thought at some time might've stabbed me in the back but he wasn't one of them. I guess I'd just learned the definition of frenemy.
On the other hand, it gave me the chance to do something I'd wanted to do for years. So I didn't go charging upstairs just yet. The man upstairs fucking my soon to be ex-wife was Josh Patterson. We'd grown up "three doors down" from each other and had known each other all our lives. He always thought of himself as some kind of Superman. We disagreed on everything and had always competed since the days of PAL football and little league baseball.
I liked action movies like every other red blooded American man (and all of the coolest women). He preferred French art films. Or at least he did on the surface. He was an asshole from the start. He was always the one on movie day in school who'd suggest some foreign film that none of us had ever heard of. It was only one of his attempts to prove his superiority over the rest of us. When we did see one of the movies he'd suggested, he was usually the one who didn't understand it. He'd also explain this by claiming that the version we'd seen was a remake and the original was far superior.
He loved European sedans and pretended to collect art. I love old school muscle cars and I drive new muscle. I may as well admit it to you now. I have an obsession with Mustangs. So as I crept silently back out my front door, I stopped off in my kitchen and grabbed a screwdriver, a hammer and a cup of sugar. I walked over to the BMW parked behind my Jeep.
With a relish I'd never have imagined, I plunged the screwdriver into the tires one after another. I smiled with glee hearing the air screaming out of the expensive rubber, protesting the invasion of its structural integrity. No one should ever treat a fine specimen of automobilia that way.
I looked around and made sure no one was looking. I thought I saw someone behind a tree but I couldn't be sure. I tried to open his gas tank door and found it was locked; screwdriver to the rescue. I pried the door open and removed the gas cap and pissed into his gas tank. Then I poured all of the sugar in after that.
I dropped the hammer on the ground. I figured I'd come back later for that. I crept back inside the house and quickly, but quietly moved up the stairs. I could hear Josh grunting and Kathy whining as I ascended the carpet covered stairs.
"You're not doing it right," she whined.
"But I'm doing it," he wheezed. "If you're so particular about what you want, just let Brian get you off when he gets home. Satisfying his wife is supposed to be HIS job. This is just for fun."
"Yeah, but so far you're the only one having fun," she snapped. "I think next time I'll pick someone else. I still don't know why you wanted to do this. You're supposed to be his friend."
"Brian and I have always competed for everything," he wheezed. It sounded like he was really out of breath. I knew from experience that it took a lot of stamina to get Kathy off. And it sounded like Josh needed to hit the gym more often.
"That bastard stole you away from me," he wheezed. "You were always my girl. He cheated and snatched you right out from my arms. Maybe we were friends on the surface, but I've been waiting for the right time to get back at that bastard and now I have. It feels really good. I feel really powerful; like a jungle animal. I'm the king of the jungle baby. Get down on your knees and suck my dick. When Brian comes home, I think you should just take a shower but don't clean up down there. Leave my stuff inside of you. Let that asshole have my sloppy seconds."
"Josh, your sperm is so thin and watery that it'll probably run out of me as soon as I stand up. And as for sucking your dick your highness, that won't happen until you get me off at least once. Are you out of practice or something?" asked Kathy. "Don't you and Pearl have sex regularly?"
"Even you can't spoil my mood Kathy," he said. "Nothing you can say affects me. I have stolen and fucked another man's woman. In the language of the jungle that only men understand, I have power over Brian now. Whenever we compete at anything, I'll have the edge, because I'll know deep down inside who is the better more virile man. I feel like a lion that just pounced on his defenseless prey."
"But you look more like a fly that just bounced off of a stinking turd," I said loud enough for them to hear. I'd been hiding behind the door taking video and snap shots with my iPhone. I intended to use the high def video and audio as my evidence in the divorce case. Unfortunately, Kathy didn't say anything incriminating that I could use against her. It wouldn't matter, I had what I needed. I carefully put my phone away and started moving towards the bed.
I immediately knew that there was something funny going on. I heard a mixture of screams and calming voices coming from the bed. Josh was screaming like a girl and Kathy was trying to calm me down. It really should have been the other way.
"Aaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhheeeeeeeeeeeeee! Please don't hurt me! It was her fault, the evil bitch. She made me do it. She came after me. I'm a weak man Brian. I gave in to the sins of the flesh," screamed Josh, who towered over me and outweighed me by at least fifty pounds at two twenty five.
"Brian, calm down," said Kathy. "Honey this isn't what you think. If I wanted to cheat on you, I'd have picked something better than that."
"I am calm," I said as I punched Josh in the nose as hard as I could. His face turned bloody in an instant and he tried to hide under the covers next to Kathy. He fell off the bed on the other side and started trying to scramble to his feet, backing away from me.
"Josh, use your Karate," yelled Kathy as I advanced on him.
"Really Kath," I said. We'd both been forced to watch as Josh took a Karate class at the local YMCA along with his 6 year old son. Josh jumped into a stance with his fist held out and one leg behind the other like they did in his Karate class. His face took on a serious expression despite the blood flowing from his busted nose.
"Horse stance, now," I yelled just like his instructor did in class and laughably, Josh switched into a horse stance. The horse stance is ridiculous. You have both of your legs very far apart like you were riding a horse. Josh actually helped me. He did a little jump and came down lightly on the balls of his feet in a horse stance.
Imagine if you will, a two hundred twenty five pound man descending earthward propelled downwards by gravity. This man solidly impacts the rapidly rising foot of a man who weighs one hundred and seventy pounds, who's put everything he has into the kick. How many factors do we have here? Mass, Velocity, Gravity, Impact and Force. If you do the math ... well fuck the math, when my foot hit Josh's nuts, he screamed so loud the guys on the international space station must've heard him.
Why does one man kick another man in the nuts, knowing how badly it would hurt? That's it exactly; because we know how hard it will hurt and we want the motherfucker to suffer. If someone calls you a name or pushes you, you don't kick them in the nuts. The nut kick is reserved for the worst scum of the universe. And at that moment, that was how I felt about Josh.
The kick must've been a good one. Not being a Karate guy, I'm no judge of kicks or kickness. But it felt solid and it got the desired response from my opponent. After that one long piercing scream, Josh dropped to his knees and then fell onto his face, writhing in pain and screaming, "My nuts. Oh God, my nuuuuuutzzz."
"Josh," I yelled to get his attention. He was still lying there on his side holding onto ... well you know, right? Anyway he looked at me as he lay there vibrating, so I'm sure he understood me.
"You're right Josh," I said. "You're the better man. You took my woman away from me. I can't live with the shame so take the bitch with you. Get the fuck out of my house, now. Or I'll make the pain in your nuts seem like nothing."
He looked at me in confusion. But he was in too much pain to try to talk. He didn't have to though, because Kathy, clearly upset, leaped off the bed and tripped over Josh's still writhing body. Kathy is no sprite. Even at only five four to my five nine, she outweighs me by about twenty pounds. I truly believe that it was Kathy falling onto Josh that cracked his ribs and almost killed him.
"What are you talking about, Brian?" she asked. "This isn't the way this is supposed to go. We need to talk about this."
"You and Josh can talk about whatever the fuck you want," I said calmly. "But the only thing around here that needs to go is you."
"But ... but ... but," she began. Her eyes were rapidly filling with tears and her lips stuck out. Kathy is a reasonably attractive woman from the neck up. Until she starts crying that is. I think that's one of the reasons why throughout our twelve year marriage, I've constantly given in to her. She's ugly as hell when she cries.
"That was brilliant," I screamed. "You sounded just like a motorboat. Now but, but, but your ass out of my house."
"Brian, look at Josh," she said.
"I've seen that fat fucker too many times as it is," I said. But I turned to see what she was talking about. Josh was on the floor, turning blue. I ran over to him and started doing chest compressions.
"Move over," she said. "I weigh more than you do. I can do the compressions better. You breathe for him."
"Fuck you whore," I spat. "You fucked him, now you can blow him." As Kathy huffed away, I got an idea. I sat on Josh's chest and bounced up and down compressing it. In the meantime I called 911 on my iPhone. Once the call was over, I went back to doing the compressions the normal way. Before the ambulance got there, Josh regained consciousness. We ... err ... Kathy made him comfortable. I had a date with a hammer.
I went back outside and broke every pane of glass or plastic on that piece of Euro trash in my driveway. I stopped only to direct the paramedics inside the house and show them to where Josh was laid out.
"Holy fuck! He's a whale," said one of the EMTs. "Why is it that the fat fuckers always collapse upstairs," said his partner.
"Shit, he's already out of it. Let's just roll his fat ass down the stairs," said the first guy again. Then they looked at me as if they hadn't realized that I could hear them.
"Just joking sir," said the first guy again, throwing his words out from behind the shit eating grin he affected when he noticed me paying attention to their conversation.
"Oh my fucking back," said the second guy, as they lifted the back board with Josh on it.
"Why the fuck is this dude naked?" asked one.
"Fuck that," said the second guy. "Why are his nuts the size of softballs?"
"Why are you looking at his nuts?" countered the first guy again. "Are you switching teams?"
"Fuck you!" spat the first guy, almost dropping Josh in his anger.
"See, I knew you were a fruit," spat the second guy. "But it's okay. I'm open-minded. I can work with anyone; as long as they pull their weight."
"Shit, I only weigh a buck fifty nine. That fat chick's ass probably weighs more than me," said the first guy again. It was then that Kathy noticed that she was still naked.
As soon as the EMT's got Josh to the first floor they called us. "Is either of you going to ride to the hospital with him?" they asked.
"She'll meet you there," I said. "And I'll call his wife."
They got Josh into the ambulance and sped off with the siren blaring.
Kathy was looking at me timidly. "Get dressed and go to the hospital. Your lover probably needs you," I said.
"Brian, we need to talk about..." she began.
"Get your ass to the fucking hospital or wherever you're going," I spat. "After you're done checking on Josh, go stay with one of your friends. Don't come back here tonight, Kathy. I don't want to see or hear from you. I'm serious."
She got into her car and drove off after the ambulance. I went back outside with murder still left on my mind. When I got outside, I was disappointed. There was pretty much nothing left of the car to destroy. Benson and several of my other neighbors were all taking sledge hammers to it.
"I've always hated that motherfucker," smiled Benson, flashing me a grin. "I can't believe he has the balls to come sneaking around your place while you're not at home. They carried his ass out of here on a stretcher."
"Did he see any of you?" I asked.
"Yeah, but what was he going to do?" asked Clayton Endicott, another septuagenarian retiree. "Was he going to get off of that stretcher and get his ass beaten again?"
I just shrugged my shoulders and went back into the house. I called a locksmith and had him come right over and change all of the locks on my doors. I reprogrammed the garage remote and put my car back in the garage. I made myself a sandwich and started scrolling through ads on the internet to find myself a good lawyer.
Boy was I pissed to find out that it wasn't nearly as easy as they talk about in those fucking stories. I remembered those ads I've heard on the radio for ADAM. They're a divorce group that specializes in handling divorces for men. "Yessssssss," I hissed with an evil gleam in my eye. I was going to call ADAM and we were going to fuck that worthless whore. Me and ADAM would nail her cheating ass to the god damned wall. Fueled by my anger and righteous indignation, I called them. ADAM would feel my pain.
I knew that bonded by the spirit of fraternity and male bonding I would find solace with ADAM. After all they were men, they could understand this. I quickly found out the truth when a woman answered the phone. Then the bitch put me on hold. I think I ate twice and shaved before she picked the phone back up. Yep ADAM is a divorce association for men just like it says in their commercials ... Rich men. There was no way, I could ever afford them. After listening to the guy talk, it felt like I was going to get fucked three times. Once, by Kathy and Josh, the second time by the court system and the third time by ADAM. And not being gay there was no way ADAM was fucking me. I quickly hung up the phone.
Besides, the guy I'd spoken to over the phone had already given me enough information to realize that no matter what I did, the cheapest way out of this would be to take Kathy's cheating ass back. Any other alternative would cost me more money than the cheating whore was worth.
I sat down on the couch and started to ponder my options. Realizing that Kath wasn't there, I put my feet up on her favorite couch. "Fuck her and this couch," I said out loud. Then I kicked one of her throw pillows onto the floor.
I didn't get much thinking done before I fell asleep. I woke up and looked at the clock and realized that I'd slept for nearly an hour. It was almost six p.m. I ran upstairs and changed into my running clothes and headed to the park to run.
When I got to the park, I noticed that one of the older guys who always ran at about the same time I did was in the park. I waved at him, the way I always did and he waved back but he seemed sad. And come to think of it I hadn't seen him in the park in over a week. While I ran, I thought about the divorce. Kathy should have realized that I was not the kind of person to have pulled this shit on. She knew my history and my family's.
I guess she just couldn't resist Josh. After all of those years, maybe she just never got over him. Maybe this was just her way of having her cake and eating it too. And I couldn't believe that Josh would do that either. Not that he was any great friend of mine. We became friends because we were the last men standing more than anything else. Everyone else we'd grown up with had moved away.
The reason that I thought it was stupid was because Josh was married too. And his wife was hot. Josh was married to Pearl Christian. I don't know how he talked her into marrying him, but that woman was the stuff that dreams were made of. She was slim, blond, and pretty and the sweetest woman ever made. Why he'd cheat on her with my pear shaped goofball of a wife was beyond me. But then I remembered that there was an article I'd read that said that most people always cheated downwards.
Josh cheated with a woman who was nowhere near as attractive as his wife. Hey, if the article was correct, it meant that I was better than Josh. I love the internet. After a couple of yucks, I got serious. I decided that maybe instead of taking the traditional path, I might have to go JPB on that bitch.
JPB is Just Plain Bob. He's one of my favorite writers and he has a knack for exposing the truth. One of the things that Bob has written about quite a lot is the fact that men can't trust the courts when it comes to getting a fair shake in a divorce. Nine times out of ten, the poor guy ends up in a tiny crappy apartment eating tuna for the rest of his life, even when he wasn't the person in the wrong. He ends up paying for his worthless wife, who usually ends up moving her lover into their house so he can support both of them. Shit, I'd kill them both first.
If this was a Just Plain Bob story, I'd have a hare-brained scheme that would end up with both of them being ridden out of town on a rail after being tarred and feathered by the whole town. I would also end up fucking Pearl and she'd fall in love with me. Unfortunately, this being reality, no one in town gave a fuck about what they'd done except me and maybe a few of my semi-senile neighbors who really just needed something to do after Jerry Springer went off.
Anyway, Bob did have one thing right. In a lot of his stories the guy just moved out and moved on with his life without ever divorcing the cheating whore. I'd taken some time and looked into it on the internet and legally, men and women don't have to live together just because they're married. I decided that no matter what happened, Kathy and I were through. Now on the internet this would be where the new hot woman enters the story, smelling and looking great. She immediately falls in love with average Joe (namely me) and leaps gracefully over a crowd of rich guys, politicians, bodybuilders and just general ne'er do wells, all of whom have been gifted with foot long dicks that are as thick as beer cans.
As I finished my run, I started looking around for her. I looked behind trees. I looked on the benches. I remembered that in one of those stories the couple started out by fucking in the bushes in the park. I dove into the bushes trying to find her, but I didn't find shit. Boy was I pissed at Bob and all of those other internet writers. I had thorns and thistles in my hair and my socks as I emerged from the bushes with a grimace on my face.
"What were ya looking for?" asked the other runner. You remember him. He was the guy I said I'd never spoken to. He picked one of life's most embarrassing moments to start a conversation with me. On closer inspection, he didn't really look much like a runner. He looked older up close and to be honest, crazier.
I didn't want to tell him that I'd been looking for my imaginary perfect woman that the writers on the internet had promised me, so I held up my keys. "You look kind of off," he said. "Even when you were running; you just looked different. You didn't seem to be as focused or as happy as usual. Believe me; I know what that's like..."
"Oh shit," I thought. Here it comes. Please old guy, don't tell me your problems or your fucking life story. But he did. He droned on and on endlessly about his youth spent on the "Mighty Missip," and about a thousand other useless items and bits of trivia. Finally, he told me about how his only son, who was incidentally about my age, recently died of a sudden brain aneurism that was probably genetic, because they ran in his family. Just as I was hoping that his would pop, he surprised me. He actually asked me about my problems.
There has to be something about that whole thing about the kindness of strangers, because I just unloaded on him. And unlike what I'd done to him, he actually listened to my whining about Kathy and what she'd done and how unfair the divorce laws were. I even told him, since I figured that we didn't know each other from (I hate to say it) Adam, that I'd given just disappearing a strong consideration.
After that he just smiled at me and said, "See ya' tomorrow." As I headed back to my car, I actually felt better.
When I got back to the car, I started my usual post run rituals. I had a towel that I kept in the trunk and wiped down every trace of sweat, twice. Then I put on a warm-up suit. I wasn't cold, I just wanted to make sure I didn't damage my car's leather interior with any of my foul odors or fluids.
As I opened the door, I noticed that my iPhone was ringing. I didn't recognize the number but I answered it just for shits and giggles.
"Brian, this is Pearl," she began. Even her voice made me think of clouds, roses, twin screw superchargers and other wonderful things.
"We need to have a talk," she continued. "Can you come and bail me out of jail?"
"Pearl, I can't imagine you in jail," I said. "What did you do?"
"Oh, I got into a big fight in the hospital with your whore of a wife," she said. "It started when I was trying to find out why my pig of a husband was in the emergency room, naked as a jaybird, with his nuts swollen up to the size of cantaloupes, two broken ribs and his nose pushed so far into his head that he lost at least three IQ points. They said that if you'd hit him any harder you'd have killed him. They also have to do surgery to get his balls back down into his scrotum. It's a good thing we already have a son because well ... the prognosis for future procreation is questionable."
"They asked me to bring clothes for him when I came down. So I asked them what happened to his clothes. That was when they told me that he'd been naked when they picked him up. They also gave me your address. This is when things started to get interesting. I walked into the emergency room and heard my fat assed husband talking to the medical staff. He was asking them for pain killers and screaming about how badly his nuts hurt. I thought he'd had some kind of accident at work. As soon as I got near him and asked him what had happened. He started telling me they'd given him something and it was making him sleepy. He dropped right off to sleep. The nurse standing there told me that she hadn't given him shit. I knew that something funny was going on. I'm talking about funny bullshit, not funny ha ha."
"Then your whore came over to me and started telling me how sorry she was and how she'd make it up to me but her first priority was talking to you. I asked her what the hell she was talking about and she tried to blow me off. She acted like she'd already said too much. Then I asked her why Josh had been at your house naked and what had happened and it all made sense. I figure you must've caught them doing something didn't you?" she asked.
"Anyway, she tried to just give me the bum's rush and go over to Josh. She told him not to speak to you until she worked all of this out. She told him not to talk to anyone because she was going to fix it. The bastard actually opened his eyes and nodded to her. As soon as he saw me coming up, he went back to pretending to be asleep. So I grabbed her by the shoulder to move her out of the way and she tried to swing at me. I grabbed her by the hair and launched her across the room. Unfortunately, she knocked one of the nurses down and the security guards separated us and called the police."
"The only person who can come and get me, with Josh in the hospital, is you and since you're the one I need to talk to about this anyway, will you please come and get me?" she asked in that little girl voice of hers.
"I'll be right down?" I said. I hung up the phone and started my car. Almost as soon as I disconnected, the phone rang again. I answered it immediately.
"Brian Honey, I need you to come and get me. I'm in jail," said Kathy.
"Fuck you, I hope you rot," I said hanging the phone up. I drove straight to the station and asked where Pearl was. He told me that she was in the last cell on the right. I looked through the room. There were several cells along the outsides of the room. In the center there was a big desk with a mean looking guy reading the paper. There was a phone and an ATM machine.
As I got close to the cells and could see the occupants through the screen they had blocking them from viewing the area outside of the cell block, Kathy stood up and started calling me.
"Brian, Honey," she yelled at the top of her lungs. "I knew you'd come for me, I just knew it. Just you watch. We're going to work all of this out and be even happier than we were before and..." her words trailed off as I passed right by her and kept going. I gestured to the guy at the desk and he came over.
"I'm here to rescue one of your puppies," I said.
"Be careful," he said. "Not all of them have had their shots. That bitch over there for instance is a menace."
"Yeah, I know, " I said. "She's my wife."
"Sorry, guy," he said. "I didn't mean..."
"Don't worry about it," I told him. "You're right."
"Well, you need five hundred bucks to spring her," he said.
"I'm not here for her ass. How much for the blond?" I asked.
He looked curiously at me. "Are you serious?" he asked. I nodded.
"Well, Pearl can go with you for only two fifty," he told me.
"Why the difference?" I asked.
"They both started with disturbing the peace," he said. "The arresting officers didn't bring any further charges against them because they were both emotionally distraught. But your wife kept getting lippy and had to be restrained. She's just been a general pain in the ass."
"Better your ass than mine," I said. "May I have a few moments with Pearl?"
"Of course," he said and led me over to her cell.
"Thanks for coming Brian," she said quietly. "I'm curious. How are you going to get both of us home without us tearing each other's hair out? Are you going to try to charm us into acting like ladies until we resolve this or are you going to manhandle us and make us toe the line?"
"Neither," I said. "I'm only here to get you. I'm leaving her ass in jail. It'll probably take a while for the paperwork to come through but as far as I'm concerned, she's no longer my problem."
"Hm, first time huh?" she asked. "Well, don't waste your money trying to bail me out. This card belongs to Josh. The pin number is his birthday, nine six seven six. Take out enough money for us to go to dinner and talk about this too."
I did. I went to the ATM machine and drew out four hundred dollars. I bailed Pearl out. The screaming as I walked out of the room and left Kathy in her cell was incredible. She sounded like a scalded cat.
I had a nice dinner at Texas Roadhouse with Pearl and we talked about the whole incident. It turned out that Josh had cheated on Pearl before. I listened to her tear filled story about how she'd caught him before but then as now she was trapped. Their son worshiped his father and she just couldn't see hurting the boy for something his asinine father had done. Someday she'd leave him, but not until their son was old enough to deal with it.
Once again, if this had been an internet story, I'd have fucked her every which way possible and we'd have discovered that we had the unique skill to pleasure each other in ways that no other earthly mortals could. We'd be soul mates forever and nothing would ever separate us. Back in the real world, not only did I not get any pussy, I didn't even get a goodnight kiss. Shit, I didn't get a handshake, but I did make a new friend.
When I pulled into the driveway and walked up to the house, I was really happy. I liked Pearl. She was a really special lady and I'd had a great time. I was humming a happy tune when something leaped out of the darkness of my porch and scared the shit out of me.
"Well, did you have a good time with Pearl? Are we even now? Do you know how long I've been sitting out here?" screamed Kathy. "My fucking key doesn't work. I had to take a dump in my God damned rose bushes. My ass is all scratched up. Do you know what it feels like to have a constant pain in your ass?"
I let that one slide. It was just too easy. "Why are you here?" I asked calmly.
"We're going to talk about this like adults and then make up," she said. "You really don't understand what is going on here. And you're doing this all wrong."
She was just speaking gibberish, so I walked right past her and opened the door. Then I closed it right back because she was just too close to me. I couldn't get inside without slamming the door on one of her body parts and having to go to jail for some trumped up assault charge.
"Wait here," I said. "It's going to rain tomorrow. I have to put my car in the garage."
"Everyone besides you can let their car get wet," she said. "Who owns whom? Is the Mustang your car or does it own you? Do you know how stupid that is?"
"Do you know how stupid it is to get fooled by the old 'I have to put my car in the garage trick'?" I whispered under my breath.
I used the remote inside of the car to open the garage door and pulled my car inside. Then I closed the door behind me and went into the house through the connecting door. Once inside the house, I turned on the TV and started to watch the news. Kathy started banging on the door and demanding to be let in. I turned off the lights and went to bed. It only took about twenty minutes for the police to arrive. When they knocked on the door, I yelled out the window that I'd be right down."
I opened the door and stepped out onto the porch. "Good evening sir," began the officer. "This woman claims you're keeping her out of her home. We got a call about some crazy woman causing a disturbance. What's going on here?"
"That is my soon to be ex-wife," I said, calmly yawning as if they'd awakened me. "I caught her cheating on me and threw her out." I went inside and grabbed my phone. I showed him the video.
"What a couple of whales," he said. Then he realized that Kathy was one of the whales. "Sorry ma'am,"
"Fuck you," she snapped.
"Not on a bet," he retorted.
"Anyway," I continued. "I threw her out, pending our divorce. The house is in my name alone. I bought it before we got engaged. Hang on for a second. Don't let her inside my house." I went into the office and grabbed a copy of my mortgage and my deed.
I brought them out and showed them to the officers. They nodded and told Kathy to move along. "Where am I supposed to go?" she asked.
"Anywhere but here," I said snidely. "Kathy, I'll pack up all of your stuff and put it outside for you. You can pick it up tomorrow. I'll even leave it on the porch for you just in case it rains. Unlike you, I have a job so I'll start by leaving you a few boxes every day until the weekend comes. Saturday, I'll get everything of yours out of the house."
"Brian, I don't want a divorce," she screamed. "We need to sit down and discuss this like rational adults."
"Yeah, blah blah blah," I said. "Good night officers."
The next day, as I pulled into my driveway after work, I was surprised to see my dad waiting for me. "Hey son, can we talk?" he asked. I nodded, wondering what the hell he needed. I loved my dad. He'd practically raised me by himself. There was very little I wouldn't do for the guy.
"What are your plans for the evening?" he asked.
"Throw a few weights around, and then go out for a run," I said. "Nothing major."
"Can WE talk for a while and then you can go and run?" he asked.
"Sure," I said.
I opened the door and he explained to me that Kathy was staying with him and my mom. As soon as he said my mom, my stomach started to hurt. I knew that Mom would take Kathy's side. They'd try to give me some ass brained Oprah wisdom with a side of girl power thrown in that would make it seem like this bullshit was my fault somehow. He thought it would be a good idea if we all got together to talk about this.
"No Dad," I said. "I love you but this isn't your business."
"But son," he said. "I raised you to be better than this. When you were a kid, I..."
"Oh please don't give me that shot about teaching me right from wrong and living life like the good book says," I whined. "You did all of that shit and look where it got you. Besides, this isn't about you and me talking. We both know that this is a scheme to get me to talk to Kathy about what she did. This is her way to try to convince me that this shit is somehow my fault. I somehow did something to make her spread her legs for Josh and we should forgive each other and roll on."
"By the time she's done, we'll all be sitting around the campfire singing Kum by Yah and trying to do the wave. Fuck her. I ain't buying it. Tell her that I should have a lawyer soon and we'll sit down and talk once the papers are ready and she signs them." He nodded at me and went back to his car.
I loved my dad, but I had no respect for him.
Things progressed rapidly over the next few days. I got a lawyer, he drew up divorce papers. Now to be honest, the guy I got wasn't the best. He was the cheapest. He even downloaded the papers from the internet. I was fine with it. I didn't want to spend even a quarter extra to get rid of the bitch.
He did do me one great favor though. He went and saw Josh. He had both Josh and I sign non-prosecution agreements or some other legal shit. It basically meant that Josh wouldn't sue me or prosecute me for whipping his ass. And I wouldn't sue him for destroying my marriage. I'm pretty sure that Pearl had something to do with it. I found out later that she liked the new Josh. Actually I did too. Since he was now technically a eunuch, he didn't have the problem of all of that excess testosterone running around in his system. The doctors having to remove his balls made life easier for all of us. He was far more agreeable and much less of an asshole.
Kathy got the papers when they were delivered to her by a gum chewing, college girl who looked bored. She didn't sign them. Her lawyer immediately asked for a settlement meeting to counter my offer. My lawyer told me that it was some kind of ploy. He said that technically what they should have done was to send us a counter offer; especially since my offer was more like a slap to her face. My offer basically amounted to Kathy having to just take her shit and git. No alimony, no support, no nothing. I was not going to pay that slut a dime for cheating on me. My lawyer told me that it was basically an insult.
I told him she'd insulted me by fucking the being formerly known as Josh in my house. We gathered in Kathy's lawyer's office. As I looked around, I noticed that her lawyer had nice stuff. Nice stuff is expensive and has to be paid for. She looked across the table and smiled at me. She'd gone all out. She'd had her hair done. She was wearing an outfit that I loved. It made her ass look less fat. She'd obviously had her makeup done professionally.
"How the hell are you paying for all of this?" I asked. "You don't have a job." Her lawyer got noticeably nervous when I said that.
"Your mom and dad loaned me some money," she said. "I figured we'd pay them back after we get back together again."
I started laughing immediately. "What's so funny, Honey?" she asked.
"We're here to talk about our divorce," I told her. "What gives you the idea that we're going to get back together?"
"I love you dummy," she said. "We're going to be just like your parents."
If this was five years ago, the look I gave her would have been done by a wrestler known as, "The Rock." It would have been called the people's eyebrow. Suddenly, her lawyer, my lawyer and I were all passing glances between us. Our expressions all said the same thing, "Bitches be crazy!"
"Can we get back to the divorce?" asked my lawyer.
"Sounds like a plan," said her guy. "We've put together a theoretical counter offer that I'd like you to peruse in the event that we can't somehow manage to work things out between you two. But before we talk about ugly things like divorces and settlements, may I suggest counseling?"