Special thanks to Mikothebaby, who almost lost a keyboard and monitor editing this story. All and any errors are mine
"Toasters kill more people than sharks."
This was my sister-in-law Beth talking. I saw my wife roll her eyes at Beth's' statement.
"No really it's true! I read on the internet that last year over 150 people died in toaster related accidents. The same year, only 3 people were killed in shark attacks."
In the Army, there is nothing more dangerous than a newly minted 2nd lieutenant with a map and a compass. In civilian life, people with a high speed internet connection and time on their hands, pose the greatest threat to society today. Sometimes a little knowledge is a dangerous thing.
Beth, my brother's wife, lived next door. She was in our kitchen trying to corral my young, grade school age kids, along with her children to eat breakfast before school. As most parents know, the morning school routine is like herding cats. The kindergarten kids were dressed in those stupid "Too Ugly To Die" oversized tee shirts that were all the rage. My wife had got a bunch of them from an Eastern European anesthesiologist lady she worked with at the hospital.
Now, both my wife and I love our sister in law, Beth. She is a good wife to my younger brother William; the two of them are made for each other. As different as my brother, William and I are, our wives are just as varied.
I managed to squeak by in school. Mostly enjoying the sports side of high school, playing football, wrestling, even boxing a bit. I was not really very good due to my short size. But my fireplug like build, along with a stubborn streak, inherited from southern Greek parents, served me well. Meanwhile my younger brother William excelled in school. William was the National Honor Society, chess club and merit scholarships galore. I joined the merchant marine the day after I graduated, did a few years, and saved some cash. Now, I run a small contracting business. Mostly in home and home improvement construction. William did the whole professor thing. He got his doctoral on the writings of poet Basil Buntings. William teaches at the local university, and he seems to be well respected by his peers.
I met my wife in the emergency room, during a visit for a construction related accident. My wife is a no nonsense type of lady, with a sarcastic sense of humor, plus a real world view of life. My brother, William's wife Beth, was a daycare assistant. Beth is the most pleasant female. It is a real bonus having them live next to us. I know she wants the best for my brother William and their two children. However, let us just say that Beth is a little on the naïve side, living a bit in the Ivory Tower.
Today Beth was spouting some information about how dangerous toasters are.
I poured myself some coffee. "Beth, if toasters are more dangerous than sharks, then logically a shark with a toaster is the worse menace on the planet."
Beth put a plate of bacon in front of my son and gave me a look. My young son took a bite of the bacon then spit it out. "Yeech Aunt Beth! This bacon tastes bad!"
Beth patted my son on his head. "It's Tofu Bacon. Contains none of that nasty chemical filled meat. Meat is the cause in one out of every ten deaths."
Naturally, I could not resist the obvious comeback. "If meat is responsible for 1 in 10 deaths, does that means tofu, fruits and vegetables are responsible for the other nine deaths?"
My wife reached over to my sons plate, then stuffed a piece of the tofu bacon in her mouth. She made a face before swallowing. "Beth, It is easier to change a man's religion then his diet."
Beth just sighed, than clapped her hands. "OK, Kids, time for school. Everybody into the Prius."
I picked up my smallest son and his cousin in a bear hug. "You sit and visit Beth. I'll take the kids to school."
Beth waved her hand. "No, It's OK Ron. I do not want you wasting gas in that big truck of yours. The children can fit into the Prius."
I lifted the giggling boys over my shoulder, onto my back. "Beth I am running on my own homemade Bio-diesel, so no worries." I threw both boys into the air before catching them. "How about we let the boys decide?"
I put the kids down, kneeling in front of them. "What do you say MEN? You wanna ride in Aunt Beth's hybrid, spewing kittens and butterflies out the tail pipe?" I then lowered my voice several octaves to a growling baritone. "Or do you want to cruise in Uncle Ron's MANLY, Testosterone dripping, Smoke belching, Tire squealing, Hulking, Powerful Ford F250 Pickup Truck, with extended cab, Powerstroke engine, and enough torque to pull a house down the street!"
"Truck! Truck! Truck!" The kids chanted, jumping up and down.
"I want Testrone too!" My youngest son piped in.
I put my arms around all the now giggling children. "Sorry Beth, the masses have spoken."
Both my wife and Beth were smiling as I corralled the children out the door, wrangling various cartoon themed backpacks as we left.
After dropping the kids off at school, I headed home. Today was "paperwork" day, to be spent doing invoices, orders, payroll, etc., so I would be working from my home office over the garage. I was headed into the kitchen from the garage when I heard my wife's voice.
"Oh Beth, I could never do that to Ron."
Now I know it is not polite to listen in on private conversations. But Hell, it was my house. Silently I moved closer to the door in time to catch Beth speaking.
"They would not print it in Cosmo if it were not true. Its tricks to really fire up your bedroom time."
I heard my wife reply. "Beth, I do not need any tricks in the bedroom. I have a vagina."
"Yea sure ... but don't you want to get Ron all excited?
My wife answered. "Ron is a guy. To get a guy excited, all you need to do is take off your socks."
Beth would not let it go. "OK ... um, but this is how to make Ron scream in passion?"
My wife snorted before speaking. "I sure as hell do not want my guy screaming in passion or any other time. The only time my man should scream in the bedroom, is if a stray bullet comes through the window and hits him the ass while we are screwing."
Beth continued. "Well, at least you should know what words to say to Ron that really will give him great sex."
At that point, I walked in the door. Both Beth and my wife looked up. Giving them a look, I held up my hand in a closed fist. "Beth, let me tell you 'the guys' requirements for great sex." I lifted one finger. "Number one. Have a Vagina."
I rose up my second finger. "Number two. Do not block the Vagina."
I added a third finger. "Number three. No talk, Shhhhhhhhhhh..."
My wife just grinned, but Beth said. "Ron, all men are not like that. Take your brother, William for example..."
"Beth, you want me to take an example from a guy who let his wife put diesel fuel in their gas powered Prius Hybrid?"
Beth looked embarrassed for a moment, as I recalled having to tow them home. Then the hassle of draining the tank, and getting the Prius operational again. "Ron that was not our fault. The diesel pump was colored green. We both thought it meant the fuel was environmentally friendly."
I shook my head. "Beth, how the hell did you even get that large diesel nozzle to fit into the Prius filler spout?"
Now it was Beth's turn to grin. "Ron, women are experts at making big things fit into small openings. We ladies are just more aware of our bodies. For example women can have orgasms just from exercising."
I shrugged. "Big Deal. Men can have orgasms just by watching women exercise."
"Oh stop it Ron," Beth said. "But I am glad you are here. I cannot decide what to get William for his birthday. The cooking set he has had his eye on, or the sweater vest we saw at the University store."
"Nah Beth, forget that junk." I said. "Let me tell you what William REALLY wants."
Beth leaned forward "What? Tell me Ron, please."
"It's a well known secret Beth. The best gift you can give William..." I paused for dramatic effect. "ORAL, a nice Blow Job!"
Beth blushed as I continued. "It's always in style, it's just our size, we can never have enough, we'll never get bored with it, It always fits, we can always have another, It's just what we wanted, it's never too late for one, they are perfect for any occasion, and they go with everything. Basically the perfect gift!
My wife stifled a yawn. "OK you two break it up." She put some dishes from the table in the sink. "I'm beat from the ER night shift." She pointed at me. "You Ron, go do your paperwork. And you Ms. Cosmo Sex adviser. "She pointed at Beth. "Go bake some erotic cookies or something for your hubby William."
It was one of those wonderful Friday nights all married men long for. My wife was working the overnight shift at the Hospital. The kids were away at some Cub Scout sleepover thing, so I had the whole house to myself, plus my favorite sports team was playing on TV. Could life get any better?
.... There is more of this story ...