Hi Folks, Thanks for the reaction to last week's piece, both positive and negative. Whether you realize it or not we really are trying to improve and are listening to your comments and views. This time out I had an idea in mind, but I also wanted to see if I could bring it in with fewer pages. I had to cut out a lot of the things I wanted to do, but I think it still turned out okay. As usual please let us know what you think of it and also tell us what you liked or didn't like so we'll know when we're on the right track. Some of you won't like the ending here and others will but that's normal by now, right? And lastly but by no means least I'd like to give thanks and credit to the incredible Mikothebaby for editng this story. She really makes what I do easy. all I have to do is jot down whatever pops into my head in a somewhat legible fashion and she takes it from there.SS06
Getting over a divorce is always rough. In terms of emotional stress, they say that it's the equal of actually having your spouse die. I actually think that it's worse. I'm not a psychiatrist or any kind of professional counselor but I'm sure I'm right. Let's compare the two. When your spouse dies, you lose the person that you've lived with, loved and been emotionally attached to for whatever period of time.
After a divorce, the exact same parameters are in effect. The difference is, when a spouse dies, whether it's due to illness, accident or even foul play, you aren't left with the paralyzing self-doubt that a divorce brings. You don't spend months or even years wondering why you weren't enough or good enough for her. You don't spend a long period of time afraid to try with someone else purely out of fear that the same thing will happen.
There's also the fact that when your spouse dies, you don't have the pain of wandering into your favorite restaurant and seeing them with someone else. If you really loved that person, seeing that has to be one of the worst feelings you'll ever have.
Anyway, my name is Jake Reed and I'm just beginning to get over my divorce. First, I should tell you that my divorce wasn't one of those bitter drawn out things with both parties scratching and clawing for dominance and a bigger share of the marital assets.
My divorce was the kind that you don't very often hear about. It was warm and caring and filled with a lot of love. I didn't divorce Sarah because I wanted to. I divorced her because she broke my heart and left me no other choice.
Sarah also seemed to truly regret cheating on me, but she knew the kind of person I am. I value loyalty above everything else and her betrayal was the end. As much as I loved her, I still need to be able to look myself in the mirror every morning and respect the face I see looking back at me. So when she fucked her boss, she also screwed up any chance of us staying together. The child that resulted from their union only made it worse.
Sarah, who refused to marry the bastard after their affair and barely has anything to do with him, doesn't have a great life. That isn't my fault. I pay my child support on time and I'm actually a few months ahead of schedule. In my profession, your reputation means a lot so I can't afford to be labeled a deadbeat dad.
Sarah is also very liberal about visitation rights. She never tried to block me from having access to our daughter who is three years old now. She allows me to visit my daughter whenever I want to see her. It's still very hard for me to go to Sarah's apartment though. Every time I see her, I'm reminded of how much I love her and how special she was to me. There's also the problem that no matter how cordial we are to each other, everyone always assumes that I'm the bad guy here. Even people who know what really happened seem to think that this is my fault. I guess I was supposed to simply look the other way and pretend it never happened.
Almost everyone I know seems to think that if your spouse only cheated once that it's acceptable. I'm supposed to just say, "Okay babe, you've burned your get out of jail free card. Now you have to actually honor the promises you made to me."
But, if you can let it go once, why can't you live with it twice? Maybe three times should be the limit. And then for some people with extenuating circumstances there really needs to be a bigger range, right? Nope, that's not what I signed up for. I never once cheated on Sarah and I never would have. So, as much as I miss her and as much as I still love her deep down inside of my heart, I had to say goodbye.
In the end, it was her actions, not my refusal to accept them that tore our family apart. I still buy her a present at Christmas and her birthday without fail and she does the same. She also buys me a present for Father's day, but I'm unable to reciprocate. Mother's day is just so hard for me because her new kid just reminds me of what I lost and what we could have had.
The worst thing of all happened when I picked Tina, our daughter, up to take her to the zoo a couple of months ago. Sarah's kid follows my daughter around all over the place. I guess that's to be expected as he is her half brother. Anyway, Tina came over to me and hugged me and wanted to be picked up. "Daddy, pick me up," she said. The little boy, following her, came right up behind her and called me Daddy too. I almost lost it.
I hate leaving him behind when I take Tina out and though Sarah understands, it's hard on her. I'm still hearing from our mutual friends that she misses me and that she occasionally cries about our breakup even though it's been over a year. For some reason, she also named her son Jake, after me. She said it was her way of getting back at his father and it had nothing to do with me. But it ended up working out the other way. Her ex-boss just sends a check every once in a while and pretty much has nothing to do with the kid.
I guess the bleeding hearts out there are thinking that the kid had nothing to do with breaking Sarah and I up, but every time I look at him, I see the son I always wanted with Sarah and now will never have. What can I say, it's a truly fucked up situation.
Over the past few weeks, I've realized that I have to get my head out of my ass and move on with my life. No matter how much I loved Sarah, there is no going back there. But also I figured it would be a good move for her too. If she saw me starting to date and get out, maybe she would too.
Tonight had been pleasant but strange. My date for the evening, Mildred Henderson, is a beautiful woman. She has those classic features and that beautiful mane of blonde hair. She's very fit and very petite but I found myself comparing her to Sarah all night. I also found her losing in every category. On paper, Mildred is more attractive than Sarah, but to me she's nowhere close.
Even when I considered the date over, she was ready to go into extra innings. Surprisingly, it was me who wasn't ready to pull the trigger tonight.
I was sure that it would take a while before I was ready to have sex with someone other than Sarah, but it would happen eventually. I just had to get myself ready. That was what I had on my mind as I drove my 2012 Mustang GT back to my condo. I loved the car's low growl and I loved the view through the hood with its power tower partially obscuring my vision.
I also loved the fact that the car had so much power that I was always just one toe twitch away from a speeding ticket and an astronomical increase in my insurance rate. Driving a Mustang has always been a little bit like being Spiderman. Every time you get into the car you remember that, "With great power comes great responsibility."
Actually, buying this Mustang after my divorce had been one of the things that I did to restore my sense of confidence. I've had others but this one is the most powerful. There are only two things I can name that make me smile every time I see them. One is this car and the other is my daughter.
I locked the car and headed for my condo. Hearing the reassuring sound of the alarm system arming itself let me know that my baby would be safe from most of the dangers she'd face while we were separated.
Suddenly, a shadowy figure separated itself from the potted trees around the entrance to my building.
"That car is a fucking beast!" she said. In the shadows I couldn't make out her features. I could tell that she didn't mean to scare the shit out of me but she did anyway.
"I guess I really didn't remember it being so visceral and so powerful," she said. "You are really not going to like this at all."
I was immediately on my guard. I stepped away from her. I wasn't stupid enough to think that just because she was a female that I'd be able to beat her. For all I knew she could have a gun or a taser. I wanted to keep some distance between us, just in case.
As I stepped back, she moved forward.
"And that woman you were with tonight," she continued. "That bitch wants you badly, but it's never going to work so you may as well call her and dump her."
"She's a really nice lady," I said. "The problem was with me. I'm probably just not ready to get back into the dating pool yet."
"The problem is that there's only one woman that you're ever going to be comfortable with," she said.
"Look lady," I snapped. "Maybe you should let me handle my own life."
"Maybe I can't do that," she said. "Maybe I know better than you do what's good for you."
I started laughing and told her good night.
"Can we go inside and talk about this?" she asked. "This really isn't the way I foresaw this. Really, I'd imagined that we'd be hugging by now or you'd be really in shock."
.... There is more of this story ...