Hi people, You see the strangest things on the net. The other day I was looking through my email and saw an article on women who want their husbands to have an affair. It got my curiosity up so I read it. This story is the result of that.The article was true, the story isn't. But the great editing job by Mikothebaby almost makes it feel real. SS06
My name is Carmen Johnson. I'm writing this story for all of you other mid to late-forties women out there who may be in my shoes. A little over a year ago I read an article online about women in our age bracket who were in supposedly very stable marriages who wished their husbands would have an affair.
Yeah, I know it sounds strange to me too. It sounded so strange that I read the whole article and that was what fucked up my life. The article talked about women who wanted their husbands to have an affair, so they'd have a reason to divorce them.
In most cases the husbands didn't beat or abuse the women, they weren't cheating on them, nor were they alcoholics or addicts of any kind. In most cases there was nothing wrong with the husbands at all, the women had simply fallen out of love with them. In the majority of the cases the women were also not having or planning on having an affair themselves. They'd once again simply fallen out of love with the men they married.
After reading the article, I was shocked even further because what they described seemed almost exactly like my life.
The more I thought about it, the more it began to resonate with me. It was word for word a perfect description of my life. There was nothing wrong with my husband Allen. He's a truly nice man. He's a great provider and an even better father to our daughter Joy. He's very compassionate and forgiving and I know from the bottom of my heart that he loves me. He'd make a great best friend, but he just doesn't do it for me anymore.
I remember when we were first together, when there seemed to always be a fire burning between my legs, or an itch that it seemed like only he could scratch. But after being together for twenty five years and married for twenty-three, I guess he finally took care of that itch because I just don't have it anymore.
Don't get me wrong, I still love him, but it's more the way you love a brother or a cousin. I thought about it for a couple of days and wondered what I should do about it. I'd been pondering that question the evening that one of my lifelong girlfriends had come over to pass the time. Allen had gotten home from work an hour or so before. He'd gone into our home gym to throw some weights around as he called it while he waited for the sun to drop.
Allen is a runner. In Michigan it gets so hot during the middle of the summer that Allen usually waits until six thirty or seven to go out and run. He'd kissed me and then headed out to pound the pavement for a while as I sat down to talk to Patti.
"He is so cute, Carmen," she'd said. "I love the way that after all of this time he still loves you. Usually, by his age they're sick of their wives and screwing their secretaries. But that man still loves you just as much as he did when you guys first got together."
"Yeah, isn't it great," I said. I guess my tone let Patti know that I was less than enthusiastic about the subject.
"What's wrong?" she asked. "Don't tell me there's trouble in paradise?"
"Not exactly trouble," I said. I grabbed her arm and dragged her into our home office where I showed her the article. She read it and then looked at me with a smile on her face.
"So you want Allen to have an affair," she smirked. "Just so you'd have a reason to divorce him. Honey you're out of your mind. Maybe you don't remember what single life was like. The last time you were single was what ... over twenty years ago. Trust me when you were single it was a completely different time and you were young and pretty. You could have had any guy you wanted and you took the cutest, smartest one you could find and you fell in love with him, got married and had a baby with him. You got the brass ring girl. You're on the train for happily ever after."
"If you want to see a fucked up life, try being forty-eight years old, divorced, living alone and not even steadily dating anyone. It makes what you have, seem like a fairy tale."
"I guess the grass is always greener from the other side," I said. "The freedom you have seems like it would be really great. You don't have to worry about making anyone's meals except your own. You can go anywhere you want, any time you want with anyone you want to go with. You're not tied down to anyone."
"Carmen, do you have rocks in your head?" she asked. "If I had to be tied down to anyone it would probably be either George Clooney or your husband Allen. Allen is a great guy. Out of every husband we know he's probably the best."
"I know that Patti," I snapped. "I'm not saying that Allen's not a great guy. He's a very good fucking guy okay. That's not the problem. The problem is that I just don't love him anymore. The problem is that every day I spend here feels like fucking torture and I want to be free. The problem is that from the bottom of my heart I can't take another night hoping that he doesn't want to have sex with me. The problem is that I just don't have the balls to ask him for a divorce because he's too nice a guy and I don't want to hurt him but he just doesn't turn me on anymore." As I'd spoken, my voice had risen to the point where I was almost yelling.
Patti looked stricken in front of me. Her eyes were huge and her hand was over her mouth.
"Did I shock you?" I asked. "I thought that when you've been friends for as long as we have that we could be honest with each other." Patti just sat there and then pointed behind me. I turned around to see my husband Allen standing behind me.
He looked like a balloon when all of the air has been sucked out of it. He had the biggest tears I've ever seen running down his cheeks. Then he looked up at me. "I forgot my iPod," he said. "I hate running with no music." He turned and went back out to do his run.
"Why didn't you tell me he was back there?" I yelled at Patti. "I didn't mean to hurt him. I was just thinking out loud."
"With you standing there in front of me flailing your arms around while you screamed out how bored you are, I didn't notice him there until it was too late," she said. "By then you'd already put your foot in your mouth."
"It's going to take some time to fix this one," I said. Patti looked at me like I was crazy.
"That man loves you, Carmen. Did you see how hurt he was?" I just nodded my head. My husband Allen is one of the strongest people I know. He once ran the last five miles of a marathon with blood pouring out of his shoe. He'd cut his foot on a piece of metal a little over a week before the race. They'd only taken the stitches out two days before. The pounding of running over twenty miles on that foot had torn the deep cut back open during the race. He kept running step after step, in agony but he finished.
"I don't think you even understand what you did, Carmen," Patti told me. "I really think that you read that article and started feeling that way because of what you read. I think you're going to end up like some of those stupid women who listen to Oprah and end up making their marriages far worse than they were."
After Patti left, I started thinking about what I would say to Allen when he came home. I felt a deep sense of dread. I was actually sorry that he'd over heard what I'd said. I guess I'd have phrased it differently if I'd had the chance. Allen, in all of our time together, had treated me like a precious gem. He'd never said an angry word to me, even when he was. He deserved far better. Even if I had intended to tell him, which I hadn't, I would have said it in much kinder terms.
About a half hour after Patti left the house phone rang. I picked it up.
"Hello, Carmen, it's James Peterson. I work with Allen. There's an emergency with one of our customers vent systems and since Allen designed that system we need him over here ASAP. I've tried calling his cell but it goes straight to voice mail. Is he there?"
"No, James, he's out running. He should be back soon. As soon as he gets in I'll tell him that you called."
"Thanks Carmen," he said. Then he hung up. About ten minutes after he called, Allen came in. His eyes were so different from the way they were when he'd kissed me on his way out for his run. They were dull and lifeless. His smile was gone and the easy comfortable way we related to each other was gone with it. He looked at me, not like the man who'd loved me and lived with me for over twenty years but like a stranger would. He looked as if he was waiting for me to say something.
"Uhm you got a call from James Peterson," I said. I felt like a coward for diverting his attention from our problems but I just didn't know what to say to him at that moment. I needed more time to think about what I wanted and about what to say.
A few minutes later I heard the shower running. Allen always took a shower after running. He'd learned early on that I wouldn't let him anywhere near me unless he was and smelled very clean.
I knew that he'd come downstairs ready to relax and watch TV with me and maybe we could talk a bit then.
He did come down the stairs but he was fully dressed, as if he was going to work. He also had his bigger briefcase with him.
"There's an emergency. I have to go," he said. I nodded my head.
"Allen, you just ran all of those miles, you're probably starving. Do you want me to make you something to eat?"
"There's no time. I'll grab something on the way," he said. Then he walked out the door. As the door closed I heard the sound of our garage door opening. A few seconds later I heard the sound of Allen's Mustang starting up. The car's awful exhaust system still made that awful noise that he loved so much. I wondered why he hadn't just driven his Jeep. He rarely drove the Mustang to work. But he babied that car. I'm sure he had his reasons why it was okay to drive it tonight.
I shrugged my shoulders and turned on the TV. I'd dodged a bullet. We wouldn't have to talk about our problem tonight after all. This also meant that I could watch my shows without having to listen to Allen commenting on them. I could watch Hot in Cleveland and Lifetime movies the whole night. And when he got home his wonderful Magnaflow exhaust system would warn me as soon as drove up the block so I could just jump into bed and pretend to be asleep. That way I wouldn't have to try to come up with something to say until tomorrow night.
I woke up the next morning and realized that I'd fallen asleep on the couch. The hissing from the TV told me that I'd been watching some cheesy movie on one of those minor channels that didn't broadcast a twenty-four hour schedule.
I wondered why Allen didn't wake me up. Then I remembered that he was angry with me over what I'd said. It was just as well. I didn't have to say anything until I figured out how I'd make it up to him.
I decided that I'd bake his favorite cake and we'd sit down and have a talk when he got home this evening. That is if he went to work. He might have the day off after being at work late last night.
I went up the stairs and didn't hear the sound of the shower. He was probably staying home. That would give us time to talk. I decided to make him a nice big breakfast to eat while we hashed things out.
Stepping into our bedroom it hit me that the bed had never been slept in. Allen had been out all night. Whatever the problem was it was probably a big one. I checked our voice mail. Usually when Allen worked late, he called me every few hours until he got home. Our voice mail was empty. I called his cell phone and it rang several times and went to voice mail. I started to leave him a message but I really didn't know what to say. There were a few seconds of silence and then I spoke. Allen, Honey, it's me. Call me when you get this ... bye."
Allen never called me back and by afternoon, I was frantic. The only time he'd ever gone that long without calling me had been a nightmare. He gotten hurt at one of their customer's plants and had been hospitalized. I called his office and asked what was going on. His secretary Sherry spoke to me. She seemed very guarded and not her usual self. She was very polite, but she spoke to me using her professional voice. I'd known her since she'd first hired in and didn't know how to actually run their phone system. It wasn't unusual for her to switch me right over to Allen after telling me a joke or telling me to beat him up because they were all being mean to her.
"Sherry did they take care of the emergency?" I asked.
"Which emergency are you referring to Mrs. Johnson?" she asked. She'd called me Mrs. Johnson instead of Carmen which was a warning in itself.
"Is Allen there?" I asked.
"He's not in the office right now," she said. "May I take a message?" Her responses to my questions were very professional and probably scripted. She wasn't giving me any kind of information at all. I didn't know if something was going on at the company or if Allen was just pissed at me and having her screen his calls.
Patti dropped by after work and was dying to know what had happened later on with Allen. We talked and drank a little bit of wine to pass the early evening. While she was there, my daughter Joy came over and sat with us for a while. I wondered why my daughter would take an evening away from her fiancé but was glad to have the company. We had a few glasses of wine and talked. I got the idea that my daughter was watching me.
Usually when she just dropped by like this she wanted to ask for something. Either she had another expense for her upcoming wedding in the spring or she wanted something that neither she nor her future husband could afford. I was sure that she was just being polite until Patti left and then she'd tell me what she was really there for.
She did go upstairs for a while. She came back down with a couple of clothes carriers full of stuff but I couldn't tell what was in them. Joy had tons of clothes still in her closet in her room. She often took loads of them to the apartment she shared with Ted.
When I got up to fill my glass again, I heard her asking Patti, "Aunt Patti, what the hell is going on with my mom and dad?"
I heard them whispering and when I went back into the room they stopped.
"Why the hell are you two talking about me behind my back?" I asked. Neither of them said a word. They just got that deer in the headlights look.
"Well?" I asked.
"I asked Aunt Patti what was going on with you and Dad," said Joy.
"Honey, there's nothing going on, it's just a misunderstanding," I said.
"I tried to tell her that," said Patti. "I told her that your father had just overheard some of the things you said and took them the wrong way."
"How many ways are there to take, "I don't love you anymore?" asked Joy. She stood up abruptly shaking her head and got ready to leave. I could tell she was pissed.
"Joy, sit down honey. Don't just leave. Let me try to explain this," I said.
"Mom, there's nothing to explain," she said smiling. It wasn't a very nice smile either. I know my daughter. She was pissed but she was being nice for Patti's benefit. She was so much like her father sometimes. No matter what happened just put that happy smiling face on.
"Come on Joy," I said. "I know you want to say something."
She erupted then. "Where the fuck is my mother? What did you do to her? Where is the woman who taught me not to ever do mean things, even to strangers or bums?"
"Joy," I began.
"You read some dumb assed article ... not in a medical journal or written by a psychologist ... you read it on the internet and then hurt the best man I know," she said. The venom in her voice and on her face was very clear.
"So your father told you huh?" I said. "I knew he'd try to twist this so I seemed to be the villain just because I want out. Don't I have a right to be happy too?"
"Mom, Daddy didn't tell me shit," she said. "I went to see him at work, to ask him to pay for the photographer for the wedding. Ted and I just can't afford the prices those guys are quoting. He said fine he'd be glad to pay for it. But I noticed that he was off. I stayed a little bit longer to try to see if I could figure out what was going on. I told him I'd stop by here to drop him off the printed quotes and packages and we'd figure out which one to hire."
"He told me that it would be better for me to bring them by the office. That meant either he didn't want you to know he was doing it, or he wasn't going to be home. Mom, he looked like hell. I could tell he was really hurting and just trying to keep up that brave face for me. I left and stayed in the hall after Shelly went back into the office. I heard her telling him his divorce lawyer was on the phone. I was shocked. But I've seen enough of my friends parents go through divorces. From the way that Shelly was talking to him, she was being really solicitous, I could see she was trying to be his friend and support him through this."
"I went back in and spoke to him. I told him that I'd heard what they were talking about and I asked him what was going on. Do you know what he told me, mom?" she asked.
"He told you that I'd..." I began.
"Nothing, Mom," she said. "He gave me that tired old bullshit about how this had nothing to do with me. And that both of my parents loved me and that there's not always a right or wrong in these things. Sometimes people just change, he said. But Mom when I looked at him, barely able to keep the shaking out of his voice or the tears out of his eyes, I wondered ... So yep, I grabbed a couple more suits for him to wear to work, since I'm here. But I really wanted to take a look at you too."
"I figured that maybe you'd be upset too and we could get to the bottom of this. But you sit here as cool as a cucumber sipping glasses of wine with Aunt Patti while my Daddy is miserable. So yep I asked her what was going on. Now I know and I'm leaving. Mom, I really hope you're happy. Daddy is still Daddy. He's giving you what you want, just like he has for the past twenty five years. But you know what they say, "Be careful what you wish for..."
She headed for the door. "So I still end up the bad guy huh?" I asked.
She turned and glared at me. "What the fuck did you expect?" she asked. "I love you Mom, Daddy told me to remember that. His exact words were, "She's still your mother and she loves you too." The problem, Mom, is that I just don't LIKE you very much right now."
"Joy, wait," I said. "We need to talk about this. And I want to talk to your father."
"I don't feel like talking right now mom," she said. "And Daddy emailed you."
After she and Patti had gone, I went over to the computer and logged in to my email account. There it was among all of the junk mail and chain letters.
"Dearest Carmen," he wrote.
"I always considered the day I met you to be the luckiest day of my life. I still do. What I overheard yesterday hurt me very badly, I can't deny that. But still, though it hurts I realize that you have the right to express the way you feel and to act on those feelings. I guess when this is all over I'll still feel glad to have had you in my life for as long as I did. You were the perfect wife. You were loving, beautiful, smart, sexy and the best friend I have ever had. I hope the next man in your life has qualities that I lack and can bring all of those things out in you again. Mostly, I wish that you'd felt that you could trust me enough to just sit down with me and explain how you felt. I guess that's another thing I missed because I never would have forced you to stay with me if it made you unhappy. I honestly thought that we were happy. As usual, I'll do my very best to give you what you want. I've already told my lawyer to start the divorce proceedings. I have no intention of trying to be unfair to you. We'll split everything 50/50, including the house. But if you'd like to keep the house, we could write that into the agreement.
The one thing I must insist on though is a clean break. I don't want to send you a check each month or anything to that end. Our lawyers can work out a one-time payment or other suitable financial arrangements. It would be nice if you could spend Saturday out with Patti or your friends so I could come and get the rest of my things. I'd really like it if we could do that at least without involving the lawyers. I'll come by Saturday after nine in the morning. If you're still there I won't stop.
Always remember that I loved you with all of my heart and my fondest wish was to grow old and watch our grandkids with you. Since this probably won't happen, I'd like for us to wrap this up with all due haste and a minimum of unpleasantness. My lawyer assures me that most divorces don't actually end up in court. We have no custody or child support issues to work out so all we need to do is make financial arrangements, sign the papers and move on.
I really enjoyed the past twenty-five years, but that was probably just me being selfish. It's your turn to enjoy the next twenty-five. I hope you find whatever it is you're looking for.
Love always, Allen."
When I read that letter, the thing that went through my mind first, was relief. Patti had told me several times about how acrimonious her divorce had been. She and Greg had argued over every insignificant detail for months dragging their divorce out until it seemed like it took years for them to be free of each other. Even after it was over, he constantly stiffed her over her alimony payments until they ran out. They'd been divorced for over ten years and the two of them still couldn't run into each other without a fight happening.
The weirdest things about their divorce though, only I knew about. Greg dated a lot of women and Patti also dated, but neither of them had settled down with anyone else. More often than not Greg was dating sluts and Patti complained long and loud about the types of men she met. They were both unhappy. And secretly they'd gotten together on several occasions just to fuck. There were no strings attached and they didn't sleep with each other or spend the night. They just hooked up fucked and left without saying anything. I wondered if I'd ever be that desperate.
But at least Allen's letter let me know that he intended to be fair with me during the divorce. For the next few weeks I woke up whenever I felt like it. I worked in my garden though I didn't know why. The house was on the market and that made me want to cry but there was nothing I could do about it.
I hadn't held a job in over twenty years. There was no way I'd be able to afford the house. If I wanted it I would have to pay Allen half of the value of the house. And besides that there was simply no way I needed a place this big alone.
More than likely I'd end up in an apartment like Patti's. Maybe I'd end up in an apartment in Patti's building. That was an idea because then I'd have a friend nearby. Patti could be my guide to the carefree single life.
A few weeks later, Patti suggested that we share an apartment. I told her I liked the idea but I was worried about cramping her style. I didn't want to have her hesitant to bring home men after her dates. She just looked at me like I was crazy and said that it was worth it to save fifty percent on her rent and expenses. Plus, since I didn't work there's be someone at the apartment during the day to get her packages and make sure the super wasn't going through her things.
Less than three months later my divorce was final. Patti and I decided to go out to celebrate. Most nights we stayed in and drank and watched movies. This would be my first time going out as a single woman. We arranged all kinds of signals so one of us would know if the other was going to let a guy get lucky.
We sat at the bar for most of the night alone. The only difference between what we did that night was that instead of making the drinks ourselves, the bartender made them for us and they cost us a hell of a lot more.
Patti blamed it on the bar. She said we should have gone to a livelier place. I tried to remind her that there had been a lot of men there and I did see them hooking up with some of the women there. It was just a case where none of them had tried to pick us up. Maybe we were giving off a lesbian vibe. Or maybe we just weren't dressed slutty enough.
I'd had a feeling for the past few weeks that maybe I really hadn't treated Allen well. I was sure that yesterday had been hell on him. I imagined him sitting in some shitty little apartment alone last night, drinking himself to death. I felt bad for him.
I called Joy and Ted answered the phone. As soon as he found out who it was, he handed the phone to Joy without saying another word.
"Yeah, Mother," said Joy.
"How's your father?" I asked. "I know that yesterday was probably rough on him. Maybe I should call him and try to cheer him up."
"Mom, Dad is on a cruise," she said. "For months now he's withdrawn into a shell. He bought a nice little house in a really nice community. He's been fixing his house up and it's really nice. It's very plush. He has a small pool, a nice deck the whole nine yards. It sits on two acres and he hasn't even begun to landscape it. That was always your thing. He just did all of that crap to please you."
When she said that, something went through me. I don't know what it was. I just started to feel funny.
"Joy, why don't you just give me his phone number and when he gets back I'll give him a call," I said.
"Mom, I can't," she said. "I'm not sure he'd want you to have his number. You know that he hurt for months over what you said and the way things ended between you. For you, this is all just a big adventure. You wanted your freedom and you got it. You never went through any emotional upheavals, Mom. For you, it was just a change in your life. You've even started dating again. Ted and I spent weeks trying to comfort Dad. And even more weeks after that trying to get him to go out and do something. I think the only reason we got him to go on the cruise was because he didn't want to be anywhere around here on the date your divorce was final. It kills him for me to see him crying over you."
That last statement of hers made me feel even funnier. She was right, I'd walked away from the man I'd married with no more concern than if a gold fish had died.
"You know what they say, Mom," she said. "Freedom isn't always free. You got to be free from a man who worshipped you. And all it cost was breaking his heart."
Now I was sure that something was funny. "When your father returns from his cruise, why don't you ask him to call me," I said.
For the next few weeks, Patti and I went out three or sometimes four nights a week. Patti often hooked up with guys and went home with them which left to me come back to our apartment alone. She was so used to it that she had a big purse with all of the things she needed for her late night walk of shame. I asked her why she didn't just stay overnight.
She gave me a lot of reasons. She hated waking up in a strange place. She didn't want to worry about being late for work. She could trust a guy for sex but who knew what they might try to do to her during the night. Their wives might not like it. And her number one reason ... They never asked her to.
She said that most of the guys she hooked up with described eternity as the period of time between when they came and she left.
One night Patti and I were in a bar and two guys came over to us. One of them was obviously after Patti and the other one spent a lot of time trying to talk to me. I pretty much ignored him until Patti dragged me into the ladies room.
"God damn it Carmen, this guy wants you badly," she said.
"So," I told her. "I'm not attracted to him at all."
"Why not?" she asked. "I know he isn't Allen, but he's not that bad and you haven't gotten laid since before your divorce. Shit, it's been at least eight months. Can you at least pretend to be interested so I can get laid?"
We went back out and I at least spoke to the guy. Truthfully he didn't interest me at all. When he put his hand on my leg, nothing happened. That should have told me something. I didn't get a tingle or anything. We ended up going back to one of the guy's place.
"Your wife has good taste," I said.
"Uhm, I'm divorced," he spat more to Patti than to me.
"Bullshit," I said. "I was looking for a towel and found all sorts of feminine things in your laundry closet.
"Uhm, I'm separated," he said.
"Look I don't care," I said. "It's no skin off my ass either way." Patti glared at me. A few minutes later she and the guy were headed up the stairs leaving me alone with his friend.
He scooted over to sit near me. He started rubbing on my leg and I told him to stop.
"Come on babe, you'll enjoy it. Lighten up a little bit and have some fun," he whined.
Actually I was wondering too. So I looked at my watch. "It's ten thirty," I said. "Leno comes on at eleven thirty. "I need fifteen minutes to drive home, ten minutes to change into my sleep wear and five minutes to make a drink and some popcorn. That gives you thirty minutes to get me interested enough to think about staying. Go to it."
He started rubbing me again and I thought about it. I remembered back when I was younger and having a man just touch me, even if I wasn't attracted to him caused a reaction in my body. For a second I thought about Allen and I felt a spark, but this guy was giving me nothing.
While I was thinking about it he ran his hand under my skirt and started to rub my vagina through my panties. He kept rubbing me the same way and it started to get boring. Allen used to do little things while he was down there. It wasn't just that this guy didn't rub like Allen. It was that I just wasn't getting anything.
One of his hands got busy on my breasts. I leaned back and looked at my watch. He noticed this and got a worried look on his face.
"How much time do I have left?" he asked.
"Six minutes," I said.
"Do you want me to suck your pussy?" he asked.
"Not unless you're talking about the cat back in my apartment," I said. I pulled my skirt back down and went to find Patti.
Before I got to the top of the stairs I could hear the springs on the bed creaking. The guy sitting dejectedly on the couch could hear them too.
"Tell Patti, I left," I said to him as I got ready to leave.
"Tell her yourself you fucking dyke," he said. He was sitting on the sofa with his arms folded across his chest. He looked so angry that I just quietly left. I didn't want to do or say anything to start him thinking about hitting me.
"Thanks a lot," said Patti the next morning.
"When I left you were getting what you wanted," I said.
"Oh yeah attack of the three inch dick," she smirked. "That guy humped me for about an hour and I barely felt anything. I kept praying for him to cum. It got so bad I looked in the drawer to find some lube because he was just chaffing the shit out of me. I found more Viagra than a pharmacy. And to make matter worse, when he finally got done we came downstairs and saw that his friend was so pissed he was ready to chew nails. He called you every type of lesbian in the book."
"My guy felt so bad for him, that he asked me to give his friend some pussy just to make him feel better. That let me know right then and there how the guy felt about me. He acted like I was some kind of whore. He looked me right in the face. His voice sounded like Joe Piscopo. "Why don't ya give old Sam some pussy too?"
"When I said no, make that hell no, Sam spoke up and told me that I was as big a lesbian as you are. I had to call a cab to get home and I couldn't find my panties anywhere. I hope his fucking wife finds them."
"Patti, I was going to let you know when I left but when I heard the bed squeaking, I didn't want to disturb you," I said.
All through the fall we had a bunch of similar experiences. I had mercy sex with a couple of guys who made me feel really bad. I was forced into sex once. I swore that would never happen again. Patti told me he was a really good guy and I had just teased him all night by letting him feel on my ass, my breasts and even stick a finger in me. When I didn't get wet he got a tube of lube and covered his dick with it and then just forced it into me. I screamed like a banshee and it hurt really badly. When he was done he apologized for about an hour and I could tell he felt really bad about it.
When Patti and I talked about it the next morning, I could tell it was going to be hard for her until she just came out and asked. "Carmen, are you a lesbian?"
I had to honestly tell her that I didn't know. I'd been divorced for over a year I'd been out on dates with maybe twenty different guys. I'd had sex with three or four and not one of them had made me feel a thing. Maybe I was. I'd read stories about women who hadn't known that they were gay or bi until later in life.
"Well, let's find out," she said. Patti took off her clothes. We live together and we were both women so I'd seen her naked hundreds of times. She got down on the bed and spread her legs. "Come over here and lick my pussy," she said. "Let's see if that does anything for you."
I have to admit that as I looked at her I did feel a stirring. I smiled and got down closer to her and all of a sudden I just threw up when I got close enough to catch her scent. During my marriage, Allen had always told me that I gave the best oral he'd ever had. I didn't mind and actually like sucking him off and swallowing because it gave him so much pleasure. But there was no way I was going to stick my tongue in Patti's furry hole. It just didn't seem even possibly pleasurable.
"Thanks bitch," Patti said as she headed for the shower. "You barfed in my kitty. I'll clean myself up, you change my sheets."
That ended the question of whether or not I was into women.
A few weeks later Patti sat me down again. I'd been worried about the fact that spring was almost here and my daughter was finally going to be walking down the aisle. The wedding had been delayed a couple of times but now seemed to be ready to happen. I didn't want to show up dateless for my daughter's wedding. I hadn't spoken to my husband in close to a year and a half. I'd been considering asking Joy to sit me near her father at the wedding. I'd thought it was a great idea. It would solve two problems. The first was that I could finally apologize to him for the way that I'd handled things and thank him for his fairness to me during the divorce. And secondly it would avoid the awkwardness of neither of us having dates.
I'd also been thinking about him a lot lately. I missed him. Okay, it wasn't a sexual missing type of feeling, but I missed the friendship we shared. I also missed waking up with him and most of all I missed knowing that someone other than myself loved me.
Since I'd lived with Patti, I'd begun to realize all the things I'd taken for granted. Things like Allen sitting there by my bedside and taking the day off from work just because I had a cold or the flu. Shit, I was almost fifty years old, I could handle being sick. But he'd always shown me so much love.
Anyway, things got interesting because Patti came home looking like she had the news of the decade. "Carmen, we're friends right?" she asked.
"Yes Patti," I said. "We have been since high school. We're almost like sisters."
"Good," she said. " ... Because I have to ask you something. And I don't know how you're going to take it."
"We won't know until you ask," I said.
"On my way home tonight, I stopped off at a store to get us some wine because it's movie night and we're out," she said. "I heard this purring sound as I got out of my car. I looked up and saw Allen pulling into the parking lot in his Mustang. He's done a lot of stuff to it. I guess that's his hobby or something now. Anyway, I guess he's over his depression, because he looks really good. There wasn't a trace of sadness left in him."
"You know I always thought he was kind of cute. Anyway, I think he's dating some again because as he was shopping, I saw him getting two of most of the things he bought. So I was wondering how you'd feel about me going out with him?" she asked.
For the first time in months, I got a flash of emotion. I didn't say anything but the thought of Patti going out with my Allen filled me with anger. I imagined her with her legs spread and him sticking my dick in her furry pussy and I almost lost it and threw up again.
"I don't have any way of getting in contact with him," I said. "Sorry."
"Oh you don't have to worry about that," she said. "Joy's coming over to talk about the wedding with you later. She called earlier."
I ran the idea back and forth in my mind and the more I thought about it the more I decided that I didn't fucking like it at all. But Patti is my oldest friend and I didn't want to hurt her feelings so I didn't say anything.
My daughter did show up later. We talked about the final plans for her wedding and when rehearsals would start. I hadn't actually had very much to do with the planning and I felt bad about it. She told me that some of the things that happened at some weddings would be omitted from hers to avoid hurting mine and her father's feelings. Like she told me that I didn't have to worry about any awkwardness because I wouldn't have to sit next to her father. I also wouldn't have to dance with him.
"But I don't mind sitting with your father," I said. "And it would only be one dance. Your father isn't a very good dancer anyway."
She just looked at me and shook her head.
"Well he isn't," I said. "He's stepped on my feet so many times." She just continued to shake her head.
"Mom, that isn't it," she said. "It was Daddy who didn't want to dance with you. Daddy is a great dancer now. But he didn't want Selena to get jealous."
My head started to hurt then. "Who the fuck is Selena," I snapped. My mouth felt funny and I was hot all over. It seemed like I could only get one side of my mouth to move. I tried to stand up so Joy could tell me who this Selena was and the leg on my left side just gave out.
After that everything went blurry. Joy sat me down and called 911. The only thing going through my mind was who the fuck is Selena?